A Little Bit of Advice...

Hello Earthlings.

Tektak F. Mechanoid here and I've been looking at your Earthling news and I can't resist butting in with a little unsolicited advice.

1. Mark Sanford: Will someone get this guy a brain-scan? I mean come on, Michael Jackson dies, the only thing to get the mainstream media to drop a Republican scandal, and he goes and opens his big mouth, again, and again. He's gotta have like an aneurysm, or a brain tumor clouding his sense of reason.

My advice- get him some medical help, and his wife a damn good lawyer.

2. Cap & Trade: Crap & Raid is more accurate. This bill seeks to increase prices exponentially, destroy jobs, and hand Wall Street a whole new market more ephemeral than derivatives and sub-prime mortgages, otherwise known as carbon credit trading. And I haven't even touched the goodies for every political crook, crank and crackpot that it's going to dish out.

My advice- ditch it in the Senate, and anyone who votes for it should be voted out as soon as possible.

3. ObamaCare: Soon Americans will discover the joys of waiting 6 months to see a doctor, and another year to get a test, just like Canadians.

My advice- Forget the 50 million uninsured, the bulk of them can actually buy their own, but don't. Stick only to the 10 million chronically uninsured, and then you can do something. Either that or buy MoxArgon's android doctors and install them in every home. It's the only way you can get socialized health care to actually function.

4. Iran & North Korea: Both countries practice violent aggression against their neighbors and their own people, and both are working on nukes.

My advice- grow a pair, and do something.

I hope this advice is helpful.

Bye.

When Is A Coup Not A Coup?

Greetings puny Earthlings.

The Obama Administration has condemned the ouster and exile of Honduras' now former President Manuel Zelaya by the Honduran military, calling it a military coup.

But is it?

Let's look at the facts:

1. Manuel Zelaya was trying to subvert the country's democratic institutions in order to rewrite the constitution to keep himself in power. Plus he was doing it with the help of Hugo Chavez, the Clown Thug In Chief of Venezuela, who was apparently shipping in ballots to Zelaya to justify this exercise.

2. The Military didn't put Zelaya in front of a bullet riddled wall, with a blindfold and one last cigarette, or hung him by his heels from a lamp-post so children can use him for target practice. Instead they put him on a plane and sent him to Costa Rica. Sure, they pantsed him, but that's apparently in the constitution as part of the impeachment process.

3. The Military wasn't acting on its own. They were enforcing an order from the country's Supreme Court, and Congress. Usually military coups are just the military acting on their own.

4. The Military didn't install a junta of generals in the presidential palace, instead they passed the Presidency on to the next civilian in the line of succession, the Speaker of the Honduran Congress.

Well, it looks like something happened, but I'm doubting that it was a full fledged coup.

So why is the Obama administration so upset?

Because he felt some sympathy for Zelaya.

Look at the 3 main facts:

1. Zelaya won election by a much more narrow margin than the Mainstream Media lets on.

2. His administration was rocked by constant scandals of incompetence, corruption, and attempts to expand presidential power beyond the constitutional limits.

3. His wasted lots of time kissing Hugu Chavez's pimply ass.

Add a few trillion in debt, and they'd be twins.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Checks: Michael Jackson Is Dead--

-- But people are still dying in Iran for freedom, while the American President attempts to cozy up with their killers.

-- But the House passed a "Global Warming" bill that no one has read, no one knows what it contains, or who exactly wrote it, but they do know that it will give the government unprecedented control over your life and business while crippling the economy, and doing nothing about the climate. Which is beyond the control of puny Earthlings anyway.

-- But Sonia Sotamayor's judicial record is being overlooked by the mainstream media, because her racialist and sexist beliefs will embarrass the Obama administration which shares them.

-- But American soldiers are still fighting terrorism, oppression, and evil in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Just remember that.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Leftist Mind: I Ran From Iran

Greeting puny Earthlings, it's time for another dip into THE LEFTIST MIND.

I'd like to start by saying that a beautiful young woman named Neda Agha Soltan was recently murdered by pro-Ayatollah - Ahmadinejad goons. She is the most well known of what could, in the long run, become a list of hundreds of people murdered by Ayatollahs in their desire for the power to bring death, destruction and misery to the world.

What was President Obama's reaction to this murder, and the literally thousands of other stories of oppression and repression occuring in the Islamic Republic?

Well, he eventually uninvited them to the July 4th barbecue. Though he is still keeping the menu halal, just in case.

Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Il is threatening to lob a missile at Hawaii on July 4th, which is why he had to decline his invite to the barbecue, he hates socially awkward situations, and tells his propaganda apparatus that the dark clouds of nuclear war are gathering.

How does Obama react to these threats?

He puts the military on the alert, meanwhile slashing their anti-missile defence capabilities.

Do these decisions make sense?

No. Not a whit of sense.

So why does a man, a graduate of Columbia (though we don't know how he paid for it) and a former editor of the Harvard Law Review (though we don't know how he got that job) make these sorts of decisions that can only be described using the words "dumb" and "ass?"

Because deep down Obama is a Leftist, and the only threats that exist to leftists come from Christians, Republicans, and other people who prefer democracy to dictatorships.

Leftists do not believe in facts. They belong to the cult of post-modernism where there is no real truth, only opinions formed through the lens of race, gender, and sexual orientation.

This goes hand in hand with the belief that Western Civilization, which brought about democracy, modernity, and the foundation of equality of all under the rule of law is fundamentally evil.

Since evil can only lie, then the people that the west views as evil, must be good, and their version of truth somehow truthier than reality.

So as long as the aggressor can put some sort of claim on past victimhood, both real and imagined, they can do, or say anything, and kill anyone with wild abandon, and the Leftist won't say boo. In fact, they'll apologize for the sins of past generations, both real and imagined, in the vain hope that the killers and dictators will like them for being soft-headed nutless wimps.

Or in the case of Jimmy Carter, the leftist will actively lobby on behalf of murderers like Hamas.

And thanks to voters believing the Mainstream Media, such mushy-headedness is now official policy.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

XRAN XPLAINS- WALPIN GATE

Howdy Earthlings, it's time again to simplify the complicated after it's been complicated by the simple.

Today I'm going to take a look at a story that isn't getting much play in the media, even though it tells you a hell of a lot about how the current administration operates.

So let's get's started.

This is
GERALD WALPIN
he used to be
INSPECTOR GENERAL
for the
CORPORATION FOR NATIONAL
& COMMUNITY SERVICE
which oversees
AMERICORPS
a government run
volunteerism
promoting thingy

This is
KEVIN JOHNSON
former NBA star turned
Community Organizer &
Mayor of Sacramento

GERALD WALPIN
Inspected the
AMERICORPS
funded programs run by
KEVIN JOHNSON
and discovered some
SHENANIGANS
involving
MONEY
& misused

VOLUNTEERS
some of them even
WASHING JOHNSON'S CAR
GERALD WALPIN
in his role of
INSPECTOR GENERAL
asked that the groups run by
KEVIN JOHNSON
be cut off from federal funds
the trouble is that he was now
MAYOR OF SACRAMENTO
& Sacramento wants lots of
FEDERAL MONEY
because the whole state of
CALIFORNIA
is
BROKE
lucky for
KEVIN JOHNSON
he's a Democrat and
good friends with another
former Community Organizer
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
so
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
fired
GERALD WALPIN
without good cause
and when people asked about it
the
OBAMA ADMINISTRATION
accused Walpin of being
SENILE

Classy.

So what's the lesson here?
PRESIDENT OBAMA
was a community organizer
but so was
BOSS TWEED
and if you're an auditor of any kind and you want to investigate a FOB (Friend Of Barack) you have to remember...

I hope that clears things up for you.

Testing... Testing...

Well, who knew that Joe Biden, who has the comparative brain power of a turnip, would turn into a prophet. He said that President Obama would be tested by the world's petty tyrants and terrorists, and guess what, he is.

And I don't think he's studied for these tests.

You got North Korea threatening to lob a missile at Hawaii, Obama's home state, on the 4th of July. Plus you have Ahmadinejad rigging an election so he can keep frigging up his country for another term.

And what has Obama done in response?

Well in the case of North Korea, he has ordered some ships to Hawaii, and put the defence forces there on alert, in the hopes that they might intercept the missile if it actually works.

But he seems to have forgotten something.

Which brings me to a little parable from my own experience.

In the Hoon system on the fringe of my empire is a piss-ant little planet called Valhoon. Valhoon was technologically backward, dirt poor, and had a government that couldn't organise a shag in a brothel. But they had a leader named Nudsak, who thought that he was the rightful ruler of the universe.

Nudsak started building and testing war-ships, and threatening to nuke the neighbouring planet of Yolhoon unless the Known Universe declared him the rightful ruler.

So I sent a message back. It was a simple and direct message explaining that not only will my forces intercept and crush his piss-ant little fleet, I would kill him.

Not bomb his planet, or even invade. I would kill him, Nudsak, personally, and painfully.

Because that's how you have to talk to these kinds of dictators. They don't care about their people, and won't lose a wink of sleep if they get slaughtered, they only care about themselves.

Now I'm not saying that President Obama should go to Pyongyang and personally skin Kim Jong-Il alive, and keep him alive on life support so Kim can watch Obama eat his heart, because I doubt Obama has the street fighting skills or the retractable claws for the job. But if he launches his missile, a cruise missile in the window of his presidential palace might do the trick, even if it doesn't kill him. Remember, the North Korean people are raised to view Kim Jong-Il as a near deity and his Stalinist slave state as eternal.

Reducing his palace to a smoking hole does wonders for teaching people about their own mortality.

Now let's look at Iran.

Right now the woefully unpopular Ayatollahs of Rock and Rollas are threatening their own people 6 ways from Sunday because they dare to expect elections to actually result in people getting elected.

The theocracy is on thin ice. Rumours say they don't trust their own army and Revolutionary Guard, preferring the services of their own Basij Militias, topped off with imported thugs from Hamas, and Hezbollah.

It's a lot like the communist government in Poland in the 1980s, they oppressed everyone brutally, but lacked the military loyalty needed to go full Tianneman on their own people. Reagan played it masterfully, promoting the pro-democracy Solidarity movement, while avoiding any direct armed confrontations.

What has Obama done?

Well, he said nothing for days, then he sort of, kinda, maybe, offered some sort of, kinda, maybe tentative support behind the people on the streets, but then backed off, worrying that it sort of, kinda, maybe might destabilize Iran.

A destabilized Iran is just what you want.

A stable Iran is a terrorist supporting, nuke building, neighbour threatening basket case that exports more misery than oil.

An unstable Iran, can't support terror, build nukes, threaten neighbours, or export the misery its masters seem to love so much. Suddenly Hamas and Hezbollah can't bomb innocent women and children like they used to, and their political armor starts to break up. This will take the pressure off the democracy of Israel, and the nascent democracy sprouting in Lebanon.

However, Obama is, above all things, a Democrat.

Being a Democrat means treating enemies better than friends, which means no concrete support for real democracy in Iran, or the neutering of its terrorist catamites, because Democrats are scared that some bearded weirdo in a basement in Qom isn't going to like them.

So expect an already nutless foreign policy to get much more nutless.

REALITY CHECK TIME!

Greetings puny Earthlings, time for a few reality checks.

1. VOTE FRAUD FOR DUMMIES

Is Ahmadinejad really that stupid and declared himself the winner of the Iranian election mere seconds after the poll had closed?

I mean come on. When you rig an election, you have to give enough time to at least pretend to count them. Being able to maintain the pretense of democracy is one of the key skills any homicidal maniac dictator needs, especially when you're going to have actual living people run against you.

You can learn a lot from the Democrats. They can literally have armed men, dressed in the uniforms of an admitted terrorist group, standing in front of voting stations, get away with it, and the world press doesn't say boo.

2. ON DOUBLE STANDARDS

Folks are still talking about Letterman's lame, and insulting joke about the teenage child of Alaskan governor Sarah Palin. This talk has exposed a grievous set of double standards in the media, and the acolytes of Obama.

If Letterman had said a joke where the punchline was "Chelsea Clinton's a whore!" It would not only be a bad joke, the media, feminists, and the entire Democratic Party machine would fall on him like a ton of bricks. And if Letterman's defence consisted of: "I was only calling her a whore because you can't prove to me that she's still a virgin," they'd be burning gap-toothed effigies in front of CBS headquarters, and congressional committees would be called to investigate, and the IRS would suddenly develop an interest in his finances.

But instead, Letterman, blinded by his own smugness, misfired a bad joke at the wrong daughter, knowing that the bulk of the mainstream media would back him up.

The thing is, both cases, the fictional attack against Chelsea Clinton, or the all too real attack on Willow Palin, would be wrong.

They are the children of politicians, they are not politicians themselves, and don't deserved to be attacked like that.

Of course, Letterman slandering Chelsea would never happen. He knows he would be skinned alive by the very same people he sees every weekend at the Hamptons. He went after Palin, and her daughter, it doesn't matter which one, because he is essentially nutless, and assumed that since she is just a governor of Alaska and doesn't spend her weekends in the Hamptons with the rich and the powerful.

He was honestly surprised by the sincere reaction of real people, not just special interest groups, that hit him. And while his ratings may have bumped upward recently, that has more to do with gawkers watching a car wreck than looking for classic comedy.

Another thing is the general double standard the left associates to all things Palin. Take a look at this comment on the MovieLine website:

Old No. 7 said:
And we, the american public, accept Sarah's apologies for parading her pregnant unmarried daughter (with baby's father!) around the campaign trail under the guise of traditional conservative family values.

Hypocritical bitch.

Now think about this for a moment.

I would bet Skardarian sugarwads to Momgarian slimesticks that if Bristol Palin, & her Baby-daddy, didn't attend the convention, and the handful of other photo-ops and TV appearances that they did do, his comment would have been:

Old No. 7 said:
And we, the american public, accept Sarah's apologies for cruelly banishing her pregnant unmarried daughter (with baby's father!) from the campaign trail under the guise of traditional conservative family values.

Hypocritical bitch.

Because to the eyes of someone like "Old No. 7," nothing Sarah Palin does can ever be anything but evidence of some evil intent. Sure, attacking a teenage girl on national television is probably just fine by him, as long as it's done in the service of the correct political party.

Palin could cure cancer, and this fellow would join a "Save The Tumor" movement and march alongside Janeane Garofalo and probably Letterman himself, if all he had to do was smirk and pick on children.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

XRAN XPLAINS- RIGHT WING EXTREMISTS

Okay, a lot of folks in the mainstream media are calling the 88 year old walking tumor otherwise known as James Wenneker Von Brunn a "right winger," and I think this whole situation needs a little explaining if we're going to get to the truth about where Von Brunn lies in the political spectrum.

This is
JAMES VON BRUNN
a bigoted lunatic whose only positive contribution
to society, will be as fertilizer in a graveyard

He shot up
The Holocaust Memorial in Washington
MURDERING
an innocent security guard named
STEPHEN JOHNS
before being wounded himself
VON BRUNN
is being called a
RIGHT WING EXTREMIST
by the
MAINSTREAM MEDIA

But do they have their facts straight?

Well, the only way to find out is to look at what he believes, and who believes the exact same things...

VON BRUNN
thinks the Presidency is controlled by
DA JOOZ!

So does...
REV. JEREMIAH WRIGHT
President Obama's former Pastor & Mentor
is he a "right winger?"
VON BRUNN
thinks the government should
NATIONALIZE BANKING
just like...
BARNEY FRANK
architect of the collapse of Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac
is Barney Frank a "right winger?"
VON BRUNN
believed that violence was justified against the United States
just like
BILL AYERS
Obama's Friend & Unrepentant Terrorist
VON BRUNN
believes
9-11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB
just like
ROSIE O'DONNELL
is she a "right winger?"
VON BRUNN
thinks
SOCIALISM
is the future
just like
MICHAEL MOORE
is he a "right winger" too?
VON BRUNN
hates
CHRISTIANS
FOX NEWS
NEOCONS

&
THE WEEKLY STANDARD
Even going so far as to plot to attack them

Does that sound like a "conservative" or "right winger" to you?

So why does the
MAINSTREAM MEDIA
keep INCORRECTLY calling him a
CONSERVATIVE?

Because the MAINSTREAM MEDIA
are predoninantly
LEFT WINGERS
don't want to admit that
a human stain like
JAMES VON BRUNN
is one of

THEM

I hope that clears things up for you.

Stupid Comedian Tricks...

A

Guest
Commentary
by
David
Letterman
(TV host-former comedian)

A lot of people are dumping on me about making a joke about Sarah Palin's daughter getting "knocked up" during the family's trip to New York. Well, I have to say, in my defense that I was attacking the older daughter, not the younger daughter.

You see, attacking the older slut daughter is funny.

Isn't it?

Paul, make up a song dammit!!!

Dave's just digging a deeper hole!
Digging a deeper hole!
I'm singing with no soul!
Cause Dave's digging a deeper hole!




Thanks Paul, you're a great help.

Anyway, I think it's perfectly okay for a comedian like myself to taunt and torment a teenage girl about her sexual history on a nationwide broadcast because her mother is a public figure.

Sure, the 2008 election has been over for months, she lost, she's not really doing anything particularly newsworthy, and there are tons of material I could use about Joe Biden's stupidity, Obama's loopy economic policies, his addiction to teleprompters, and his nutless foreign policy, but I'm not crazy.

I have my orders.

If I go after Obama about anything, no matter how stupid, and dangerous, it may be, I'm going to lose my cachet as the "cool" "hip" and "edgy" late show host, and the critics will eat me alive.

And that's bad for a comedian like me whose glory days were over before my biggest satirical target was even born.

I need those critics telling audiences that I'm funnier than I actually am, because if I don't have them, fogging up just how un-funny I really am, I'm screwed, and I'm going to start losing again to the Tonight Show.

So, I have to obey my orders, just like Jon Stewart, and attack those who aren't in power, so the folks in power don't serve me my own ass on a plate.

I have an expensive lifestyle to maintain, I don't do poverty!

Take us out Paul!

Dave's too scared to make jokes!
That'll piss off powerful folks!
Cause he's scared of failin'
So he'll keep attacking Palins!
Make jokes about underage sex!
Look out Trig, because you're next!
Oooooooohhhhh yeah....

A WTF Moment...

Greetings puny Earthlings, time for a little reality check...

Yesterday marked the 65th anniversary of the D-Day invasion where the forces of freedom began the liberation of Europe from Nazism. As usual the commemoration ceremony pulled a few political boners to show that the generation currently in power have nothing on that generation that stormed the beaches. First, they neglected to invite the Queen of England, the only living head of state to have actually served in the military during WW2. And guess what, the Labour government didn't shit kittens about it, until after the media brought up the issue.

Then Gordon Brown called "Omaha Beach" "Obama Beach," a blunder no doubt caused by a Labour politician's innate inability to understand or recall any fundamental history. I mean when you're busy tearing a nation down to its foundations, digging out those foundations, and then pissing in the hole, you don't really have the time to for any book learning.

And Gordon Brown isn't the only symptom.

1. British soldiers with visible war wounds are being asked to stay away from public pools, for fear the signs of their service to their nation may "offend" someone.

2. British schools are refusing to teach an accurate view of their nation's history, because they view teaching the facts Britain's past as an endorsement of "imperialism." Which is funny, because what these same people consider evil imperialism when technologically advanced cultures do it, is considered natural migration in more primitive cultures.

3. The British government denied entry into the country to retired Gurkha soldiers. I'm talking about people who sacrificed their lives and health for Britain in the name of honour, got no honour in return until a movement, promoted by actress/Gurkha friend Joanna Lumley raised holy hell about the issue.

Is this the same nation that stormed the beaches with the Americans, Canadians, Free French, and Poles?

Do the leaders of the UK think of anything beyond their next expense account scam?

I don't think so.

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

Answers Please?

Hello Earthlings.

I have a few questions and I hope that you can answer them for me.

1. President Obama says that Iran has a right to nuclear energy. Then why does he oppose America having nuclear energy?

2. While I admire President Obama as Earth's messiah, I have to wonder why he is he still campaigning since he's already won the election?

3. Why are people so upset about the Sotomayor nomination? All she did was repeatedly espoused supremacy based on ethnicity and gender, which is okay as long as it's coming from the right ethnicity or gender.

4. Since it is agreed that Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the murder of that saintly abortionist, why are some criticizing various mullahs and imams as being responsible for the deaths of people at the hands of terrorists? We're talking apples and oranges here!!!

5. Why did Angelina Jolie beat Oprah on the celebrity power list? I mean Oprah managed to buy a presidency, can Angelina top that?

That's all for today.

A Quick Little Reality Check...

Greetings puny Earthlings. Sorry for the light posting, but I do have a universe to run after all.

Anyway, I'm here to drop off a quick little reality check and I'd like to address it personally to President Barack Obama.

Mr. President I see that you decided to say that Iran has the right to nuclear power, if they have peaceful intent for it.

Well whoop dee-fucking-doo Mr. President.

Of course any country has the right to have nuclear power if they intend to use just for electricity.

However, Iran is not just any country. (Why would a country with a glut of energy reserves need nuclear technology, if not for A-Bombs?)

Neither is North Korea, who are currently cowering from the blazing fury of your strongly worded letter.

The people who rule these countries do not have peaceful intent.

Their intent is to grab power through terror, and there's nothing that dishes out terror better than a nice nuclear bomb in the hands of a deranged, possibly suicidal, lunatic regime.

I know you think it's all America's fault, or Israel's fault, and that if you apologized enough they'll all sing "Give Peace A Chance" in a glorious daisy chain of world peace, but guess what, that ain't gonna happen. All your apologizing is used by them to justify their programs.

So here's what you do with Iran...

1. Cut off the gas. They have lots of oil, but have to import all their gasoline because they're too busy trying to build bombs to build a refinery.

2. Tell Putin to back the fuck off with the meddling. Explain to him that he needs to get his own house in order, considering Russia will be losing Siberia to China by 2050, and Central Asia to radical Islam even sooner.

3. Unleash Israel. They know what to do, and hopefully the new government have the testicular fortitude to do it.

4. Stop apologizing for America. You're their President now, and that means you're apologizing for your own existence, and that makes you look like the political equivalent of jello.

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.