MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time for another edition of The Moxargon Group. Joining me today are Xran the Fleshrender, Varos Quasar, and the head of Android Cai/7. First issue: It's recently been revealed the former Vice President, current Oscar winner and professional prophet of doom Al Gore uses over 20 times the electricity than the average family of four. This is in direct contradiction of his preaching and grandstanding demanding everyone else in the United States give up their modern lives and in many cases their liberty to some internationalist Kyoto regulatory Gestapo. What do you think?
XRAN- I think it's hypocrisy of the first odor. The man is worshipped by the media and by Hollywood and he personally doesn't live up to a single tenet of what he preaches.
VAROS- I think you're being a little harsh. Gore's people say that his rampant utility consumption is okay because he's buying carbon offsets.
MOXARGON- What a load of Trifluvian bandak nuggets. Here are some questions people should be asking:
- What exactly are these so-called 'carbon offsets' that he's buying?
- Is some hippy getting paid $10 a month to ride a bike, handmade from reycled pop cans by Hopi Indians, to his job at the Organic Vegan Market or are they planting trees?
- What sort of neutral 3rd party regulation is there to monitor these so-called 'offsets?'
- Why is the gesture of buying a carbon offset more important than actually practicing what you preach?
- Are these offsets really effective?
- He had $500,000 to spend campaigning for his Oscar, why didn't he spend that bread on getting some solar panels or wind generators?
- And why doesn't Al Gore criticize China, India and Russia for their pollution even though they create more than the USA with even fewer environmental regulations?
ANDROID CAI/7- I think the question people should be asking is what the hell is he doing with all that electricity? It's a rather massive amount, even for his large estate.
MOXARGON- Good question. What is he up to? Let's move onto the next issue. The Academy Awards. What do you think?
XRAN- Fell asleep. But I am happy that Scorcese finally won.
VAROS- What are the Academy Awards?
ANDROID CAI/7- Too long, and too few people enjoying themselves at home and at the Kodak Theater.
MOXARGON- And I was busy watching my DVD pack of Firefly that night. Next issue. Ex-Marine, Abscam escapee, and current congressman John Murtha is pushing forward with a 'slow bleed' strategy to destroy the American war effort. What do you think?
XRAN- Boy, that Murtha thinks you're supposed to lose wars.
VAROS- I think it's perfectly okay for a politician with a history of pork barrelling and corruption to be the new arbiter of all that is moral in government.
ANDROID CAI/7- Is Murtha unable to see the illogic of his position?
MOXARGON- Good question. I think Murtha, like the most of the Democratic Left think 'getting' George W. Bush is more important than the millions of lives that would be snuffed out by an American defeat in Iraq. And speaking of Iraq, Britain is withdrawing 1,600 soldiers, but sending Prince Harry. What do you think?
XRAN- I think Harry must be a tough little bastard if he's replacing over a thousand troops.
VAROS- I don't know about Harry doing all this public service. The children of prominent Democrats go to work in Hollywood, not in the military. I think Harry's setting a bad example.
ANDROID CAI/7- He would make excellent bait for luring insurgents into ambushes.
MOXARGON- All good points. Still in the Middle East the Israelis want to replace a broken ramp leading to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, and as usual, the Palestinians responded to this simple act of maintenance with violence and murder. What do you think?
XRAN- I think the Palestinians are doing a piss poor job showing themselves worthy of anything but life in a cage let alone a state of their own.
VAROS- How dare the Israelis try to replace something that stood there for centuries. It might endanger the Al Aqsa mosque even though it's over a hundred meters away!
ANDROID CAI/7- The Palestinians are merely acting out the decades of brainwashing they have been subjected to. They have to perpetuate the conflict with Israel to keep the Islamic world distracted from how crappy their lives and their leaders are.
MOXARGON- My Android Cai/7, you've been pumping out the good points like Hollywood D-Listers pump out sex tapes. Still on the topic of archaeology, producer James Cameron and documentarian Simcha Jacobivici are running around claiming that they've found the tomb of Jesus Christ. Something that contradicts the religious faith of about a billion Christians. What do you think?
XRAN- Sounds like more 'DaVinci Code' crap.
VAROS- I think it's perfectly all right for rich people to stomp on the faiths of Christians. Now if they dared challenged the holiness of Mohammed, then it would be okay to kill them.
ANDROID CAI/7- Highly irrational and illogical.
MOXARGON- True. I personally think it's a load of womp-rat droppings. It's the equivalent of archaeologists 2000 Earth years in the future finding a room of boxes labelled Bob and John and claiming that they've found the tomb of Bobby and John F. Kennedy. Joseph, Mary, and Jesus were incredibly common names back in first century Judea, so this is all just more grandstanding. Plus there's also a psychological reason behind it all.
XRAN- What's that?
MOXARGON- James Cameron hasn't directed a feature film since Titanic. He's essentially scared spore-less because anything he does will be looked on as a failure compared to the mega-box office of Titanic. So he's deliberately turning a big chunk of the American ticket buying public against him, so his inevitable failure can be blamed on 'those Christians oppressing him.'
ANDROID CAI/7- It got the Dixie Chicks a Grammy, it should get Cameron an Oscar.
MOXARGON- Next issue. A suicide bomber blew himself up outside Bagram Airbase in Afghanistan, at the same time Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting. Al Qaida is claiming that it was a deliberate assassination attempt instead of their usual half-ass civilian slaughters, and the media seems to be buying it.
VAROS- There's no reason for Al Qaida to lie about it.
XRAN- There are lot of reasons for Al Qaida to lie about it. First one is the desire to look like something other than a pack of inbred gummocks who blow up women and children to feed their god's hunger for innocent blood.
ANDROID CAI/7- The second would be to feed their friends in the media and the Democratic Party the ongoing myth of their comeback. They're mostly hiding in Pakistan and getting slaughtered whenever they raise their heads. They need to do something to get attention.
MOXARGON- I'd like to add that the media is refusing to take into account the size of the Bagram base. This attack is the equivalent of someone firing a pistol in Brooklyn and claiming it was an attempt on the life of someone in Manhattan. It's like that Jesus tomb documentary, a lot of hot air that only serves to hurt people. Now that's all the time we have for now, and unlike CNN we made it the whole show without mentioning Anna Nicole Smith. So keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.