9.30.2007

REALITY CHECK!: Surrender Canada!

Okay, here's the story.

In Canada the most left-wing political party in its parliament is the New Democratic Party, or NDP*. The NDP recently declared that a certain action by Canada's Ministry of National Defense is the greatest atrocity of all and because of it Canada should pull out of Afghanistan and leave it for the Taliban.

What is this horrendous crime the Ministry of National Defense is accused of committing?


Oh the horror!

It appears that staffers from the Defense Ministry's public relations department helped compose a speech for Afghan Prez Hamid Kharzai to give to Canada's parliament and its people in general.

Now take a moment to think about it.

You're Kharzai, you have to go to Canada to give a speech to help inspire their people and parliament to continue helping bring your country out of the armpit of the dark-ages. Are you going to ad lib it all yourself on the spot, like the NDP wants you to, or are you going to ask your allies to help you phrase it in the way that best communicates the need for help.

Now if you're sitting there thinking that to call the NDP's argument retarded would be an insult to the retarded of the world, you have a functioning brain in your head.

If you agree with the NDP, then you know nothing about the necessities of war, and were probably repeatedly dropped on your head in your infancy.

George Orwell said: "The quickest way to end a war is to lose it."

This encapsulates the mindset of the NDP. They profess what I call "phony pacifism." They don't really want peace, because peace can only really be possible through strength, trade, and the spread of democracy. Those things are anathema to the NDP, so they go the phony pacifist route.

They don't really want peace, they just want the western democracies to lose.

Sure the Islamofascist horde is an intolerant, imperialist, sexist, homophobic and racist faction that seeks to destroy everything the NDP claims to stand for, but Leftists imbue no real value to their so-called values, as long as it smashes what they hate.

That happens to be western civilization.

Osama knows this, that's why his last missive from the grave cave trotted out all the old lefty talking points about Global Warming, 'Root Causes' and other nonsense. A move latter mirrored by Ahmadinejad of Iran in his speech at Columbia U.

And since the average Lefty derives their identity not from their loves, but from their hates, they look at these and say to themselves: "They hate who I hate, they must be good."

So they do everything in their power to undermine the defense of western civilization. From filing nuisance lawsuits, smearing political opponents, undermining public morale in the media, to finally, claiming that a simple speech is somehow cause to cast an entire nation into darkness and horror.

They will do anything, and will stop at nothing.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

*In an ironic footnote, the founder of the NDP was Tommy Douglas, a Protestant minister who created it as a Christian socialist alternative. Nowadays it is the most virulently anti-Christian group outside the Church of Satan. In other news Tommy Douglas' grandson is '24' star Keifer Sutherland.

9.27.2007

Time 4 a REALITY CHECK!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

It's time check your reality and see that it is still there.

Let's get the ball rolling...

AL SHARPTON: If the Jena 6 case is the worst case of racial injustice you can find, then racial relations in the USA are waaaay better than anyone is willing to admit.

Let's look at the facts:
  • Three white kids hang a noose on a tree to harrass African-American kids.
  • They did not actually hang any African-American kids from that tree. No African-Americans died.
  • The white kids who hanged the noose get punished by the school and have a mark on their permanent records that will prevent them from attending any and all universities in the USA. (Not that kids dumb enough to hang a noose as a prank would actually get in to college)
  • Some African-American kids decide that's not enough punishment, so they jump and stomp the living snot out of a white kid who wasn't even involved in the noose incident.
  • You're complaining that charging the gang that dished out the beating with attempted murder is excessive, even though he did almost kill someone, and definitely put him in the hospital. That's at least aggravated assault.
Sorry Al. If that's the worst you can find, you're treading pretty shallow waters. And by the way, your attempt to justify the random stomping of a person, solely because of some offense committed by others of the same race, can now be used by real racists to justify doing a real lynching.

Of course, you're probably hoping to get a real racist lynching, because you can't keep waiting for white C-list celebrities to say something insensitive the rest of your life.

THE JENA 6: Al Sharpton is not really there to help you. Sure, he might get the charges dropped, but you will be marked forever as racist, yes racist, thugs who stomped half to death someone who wasn't even responsible for offending you in the first place simply because he was the right colour.

If you smacked around the actual noose hangers your actions could have been understandable, maybe even justifiable, especially if you showed some self control and didn't do anything that required hospitalization. It would have been written off as 'kids letting off steam' and how the noose-hangers 'asked for a whup'n.'

But you were stupid, and now you are being used by people with far more cunning. Hoping that the trouble you got yourselves into will incite some real racist anti-African American violence.

If Al Sharpton gets his wish, real racist yahoos will use you and your actions to justify real lynchings, because you thought two random wrongs somehow made everything right.

Well it didn't.

GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISTS: You are always so quick to question the motivations of people you like to call 'deniers.' You accuse them of being the pay of some sinister Bush-Halliburton-Big Oil cabal so fast you make The Flash look like a turtle with a limp.

Guess what: one of Global Warming's strongest preachers is actually in the pay of big business:

How many people, for instance, know that James Hansen, a man billed as a lonely "NASA whistleblower" standing up to the mighty U.S. government, was really funded by Soros' Open Society Institute , which gave him "legal and media advice"?

That's right, Hansen was packaged for the media by Soros' flagship "philanthropy," by as much as $720,000, most likely under the OSI's "politicization of science" program.

That may have meant that Hansen had media flacks help him get on the evening news to push his agenda and lawyers pressuring officials to let him spout his supposedly "censored" spiel for weeks in the name of advancing the global warming agenda.

Hansen even succeeded, with public pressure from his nightly news performances, in forcing NASA to change its media policies to his advantage. Had Hansen's OSI-funding been known, the public might have viewed the whole production differently. The outcome could have been different.

What do you do when this gets out?

Nothing.

You cover your ears and go "La-la-la-la!" and "I can't hear you!"

We're talking about George Soros, the king of hedge funds, a man who has profited hugely from creating economic and social chaos all over the world, who was convicted of insider trading in France, and is accused of being a prime mover in the looting of Eastern Europe after the fall of communism.

He should be the political left's greatest villain, a greedy capitalist who doesn't actually produce anything, but trouble.

Yet no one questions Soros' motives in supporting Hansen, or Hansen's motives for taking the money and promotional help, even though it meant switching his beliefs from an impending Ice Age, to a massive Global Bake-Off. In fact, the Left praises Soros as a 'philanthropist' even though the man has never done anything for anyone that didn't make him a lot of money.

If there is ever a time to question motives, it is now.

So get to it.

Keep watching the skies kids, because we're watching you.

9.24.2007

The Leftist Mind: IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

I question the timing.
That mealy little phrase deserves to be cast into the dust-bin of history alongside such other chestnuts of non-wisdom like "speaking truth to power" or "outside the box."

Please, stuff that phrase in a box, then toss that box into the nearest and hottest furnace, you miserable wanker.

But I digress...

What I'd like to talk about is the how the Left feels it needs to question everything associated with the Right, no matter what, while avoiding any and all questions about what they believe. The latest evidence of this mindset is the latest book by Naomi Klein who questions the timing of everything from revolutions to earthquakes for the past 50 years and declares that they're all the product of a sinister conspiracy, and that only solution to that conspiracy is more cowbell communism.

Why is that?

Why do Leftists assume that there's a conspiracy behind everything from haircuts to hurricanes?

The answer is simple.

As an old time author once said: Those who don't truly believe in God end up believing in everything.

They believe in an over-arching meta-narrative that says that certain people and cultures do specific things in specific ways and that any deviation from this narrative must be the result of some sinister plot.

They also believe that the only true evil in the world are people who disagree with them. Hence they must be part of the evil conspiracy that makes the world run outside their narrow prejudiced view.

The values that the Leftist claims to hold: honesty, integrity, diversity, freedom, etc... have no real value to them.

The only thing they truly hold dear is power. Getting it and keeping it so they can force the world to follow their narrative.

This creates willing blind spots in the Leftist Mind, making them not ask questions when they should.

That's why they allow their vast support network be taken over by the very same money-people whose shady global business dealings they claim to oppose. That's why they don't ask about the motives and desires of these same money-people.

It helps them get power, and that's all they need to know.

So the next time the Left starts talking about conspiracies, ask them about the one in their own backyard.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

-----------

PS: Damian G. asked Xran to post a link to a friend of his to boost his traffic. I guess he figured that for a psychopath Xran's a bit of a softy at heart, all three of them, and couldn't resist.

So, Damian bugged him, Xran bugged me, so here's the link and to make sure people see, I'll put by the real reason people come to see this blog....




9.21.2007

The Return of Vox- Hillary's New Tune!

Hi folks, Vox Poplar here. Sorry I was gone so long, you probably missed me. I know I missed all of you. I especially miss, missing the Roast!
Alien bastards....
And I missed Rogue nominating me for a blogger reflection award, so there's some belated thanks. I have terrible timing, I know. Anyway... I'm back and though I won't be doing the solo blog thing anymore, I will still be an occasional contributor to the MoxArgon Group. And today, I did a little digging, and I found out Hillary Clinton's new campaign fundraising song. She's trying to appeal to the hip-hop community I guess. Check it out...

BABY GOT CASH by Sir Fix-A-Lot

I like big bucks and I cannot lie,
You politicians can't deny,
That when a guy walks in with a big fat check bag and
A wad o'cash in yo face, you get hot.
I wanna sell & be bought cuz I noticed that fund was stuffed.
deep in the wallet he's wearin',
I'm hooked and I can't stop starin'.



Oh baby, I wanna get wit ya,

And pose wit'yo' in a picture,
Republican boys say I'm sleazy,
that fund u got,
is makin me win easy

Oh, Mister Hsu's got the greens,
I say I wanna get in your benz,
Well use me, use me, cuz I am politically loopy.
I get them dancin', to hell wit romancin',
I'm a threat...bet...
Fund-raisin' like a turbo vet,
I'm tired of magazines,
Sayin' straight bucks are the thing,
Get the average Democrat and ask them that,
She's gotta pack much cash,

So fellas (YEAH!) Fellas (YEAH!)
has your Hillraisers got the bucks (HELL YEAH!)
so raise it, ya
so raise it, ya, raise them shifty bucks,

Baby got cash!
(L.A. face with Chinese money)
Baby got back
(L.A. face with Chinese money)
(L.A. face with Chinese money)

I like war chests round and big,
And when I'm throwin' a gig I just can't help myself,
I'm greedy like a animal, My campaign is one big scandal,
I wanna get ya vote, and uh, double up, uh-uh.
I ain't following the law boy, Like lead parts in Chinese toys,
I want cash quick and dirty, so make my war chest double,
Hillary's in trouble, beggin & turnin' democracy to rubble.
So I'm livin like a rock video,
My bundlers raisin' cash like hoes,
You can't have access, without cash that's a big no-no.

A word to all my Hillraisers
I'll raise moolah wit ya
Or I will cuss & hit ya
But I gotta be straight when i say i wanna (cha-ching)
Till the break-of-dawn, money got it goin on,
MoveOn folks will like this song,
Cuz Iraq I will quit it,
And I will not stay and fight,
Cuz I'm wrong and I'm strong,
And I'll soon be on the White House lawn,

So Ladies (YEAH!) Ladies, (YEAH!)
You have to vote for me & my buddies? (YEAH!)
so whip around, hand it out,
Even George Soros got to shout,
Baby got cash
Baby got cash

Yeah baby...
When it comes to bein' female,
morals ain't got nothing to do with my election,
507C!
Ha Ha, only if they got cash for me
So your average voter in a Honda,
Thinks I'm to the left of Jane Fonda,
But Fonda ain't got a hybrid motor in her Honda,
My campaign don't know you unless you got money hun.
You can do polls, or put signs up,
But please gimme all them bucks,

Some politicians wanna play that hard role,
And tell you that bad cash ain't gold,
So they toss it,
And leave it,
And I pull up quick to retrieve it.

So they say your wallet's fat,
Well I am down wit that,
Cuz your rap sheet's small and your funds are kickin',
And I'm thinkin 'bout stickin,
It to Republicans in the magazines,
You ain't it, Miss Thang,
Give me a rich Mista, cant resist-a,
They'll say dirty money didn't miss her,
Some knucklehead tried to diss,
The crooks on my money list,
He had Oprah but he chose to hit 'em,

Cuz I wouldn't let him get wit 'em,
So crooks wit' lotta cash around,
And you wanna tear George Bush down,

Dial 1-900-HILL-YEAH, and kick'em in da nuts,
Baby got cash
Baby got cash

Liberal hiding in the middle but she got much cash,
Liberal hiding in the middle but she got much cash,
Liberal hiding in the middle but she got much cash,
Liberal hiding in the middle but she got much cash,

9.18.2007

9.17.2007

The Leftist Mind: Knockin' Opportunity...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I thought I'd take a moment to have another shot at analyzing the Leftist Mind. Today I'm looking at Hollywood and how everyone seems to making really dumb leftist statements lately.

Sally Field will no doubt be on The View this week complaining about being 'silenced' when Fox tried to bleep out her use of the word 'goddamn' in her Emmy acceptance speech/anti-Bush crank. And speaking of The View, Barry Manilow dropped out from appearing on the daily gab-fest, stating that he considers token Republican Elisabeth Hasselbeck's beliefs as 'dangerous.'

I call these acts "Leftism of Opportunity."

Now let me explain it in a way that even you Earthlings can understand.

Sally Field made her little speech because she has a show, (I didn't know she had a show on TV until Android CAI-7 told me that the Emmy wasn't for the Boniva ad) and she wants to keep that show on the air, even though it's not exactly a ratings juggernaut.

What's the best way to keep a show on the air despite ratings?

Hate Bush.

Now if ABC tries to cancel her, she can scream that she's being 'silenced' by the 'crypto-fascist Bushitler conspiracy.' And no mainstream media company, especially ABC/Disney, wants that, the CEOs may lose their invites to the next big illegal Hillary fundraiser.

Barry Manilow dropping out of appearing on The View because he's scared of the 'dangerous' blonde is also a calculated move. He's shilling an album called Hits of the 70s or something like that, which, coincidentally, was the last time anyone cared about anything Barry Manilow said or did.

Until now.

Attacking Hasselbeck has ensured that Barry will get praise from critics and MSM pundits more glowing than the sweat on his nose. He will use Hollywood's irrational, and suicidal, anti-Americanism to get as much publicity as possible, and ensure that he'll get lots of well paying gigs, no matter how well, or poorly, the album sells.

Brian DePalma's doing the exact same thing with Redacted, he's going from washed up, to heroic martyr, and even though he hasn't had a profitable film since Mission: Impossible, and probably won't ever again, he'll land loads of lucrative contracts.

Actress Reese Witherspoon is following in a grand tradition of winning an Oscar, dumping her husband, and immediately pimping herself out for another Oscar with Rendition. It's a film all about how evil Americans torture innocent people, and it is guaranteed to at least get her a nomination, if not a win.

The filmmakers didn't make Rendition or Redacted to make money, or, as they claim, end the evil imperialist war, instead, I believe that those films are just shamelessly opportunistic attempts to use Hollywood's Bush Derangement Syndrome for raking in money and accolades.

If you're a regular reader of this little feature, you will know that I believe that the Leftist use an overarching 'meta-narrative' (a fancy word for prejudice) to explain the world, and that the only thing they hold dear is getting power (be it through money or awards) and keeping it.

And there's nothing that illustrates that point than the inner working of Hollywood. So remember, there is no devilish an opportunist, than someone who claims to be an idealist.

So keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

9.16.2007

THE DEFINITION GAME!

Hi Earthlings, Xran here with a new video that will tell you how left wing you really are. I call it THE DEFINITION GAME!


video

9.14.2007

The Leftist Mind: Chutzpah!

“You have been made the de facto spokesmen for what many of us believe to be a failed policy. Despite what I view as your rather extraordinary efforts in your testimony ... I think that the reports that you provide to us really require the willing suspension of disbelief.”
Those are the words of Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary "Moneybags" Clinton to General David Petraeus during his report to Congress about his work in Iraq. In her own, deliberate, schoolmarmesque meets shifty attorney manner she basically called Petraeus, a man with over 30 years of service to his country, a liar.

Now this is a woman who hired convicted document thief/shredder Sandy "The Pants" Berger to advise her on national security, has sparked more criminal investigations than John Gotti, and i
f you want to find her big donors, or Hillraisers, you just have to tune into America's Most Wanted or Dog: The Bounty Hunter.

She has the nerve to call Petraeus a liar.

Now that's chutzpah.

But that's not all, the fat-cats that fund MoveOn.org ran this full page ad in the long disgraced and discredited New York Times (which gave the group the 2/3 off 'family discount')...
Now remember, this is a group predominantly financed by a convicted insider trader, and his buddies who make their billions in the mostly unregulated wild west of hedge funds which profit hugely off of chaos and discord.

It's also an organization founded on the principal, if you can call it that, that America should just 'move on' and forget about the perjury and shady dealings of Bill Clinton.

And they have the nerve to call Petraeus a liar and a traitor.

Now you probably wonder where they get the nerve, the sheer unmitigated balls to slander someone who has dedicated his life to serving his country, while they have dedicated their lives to having their country serve them.

It's easy.

They don't expect to be challenged.

You see they've had de facto control of the media, and have been using it to spin their narratives, for so long, they've forgotten what it's like to actually have to stand and prove their points.

Hence they think it's okay slur a good man's name, to brand him a liar without a shred of real proof, and then expect to be praised for it in the media.

Put a modern liberal in any debate and they'll drag out their talking points, and then when actual real proof is demanded, call their opponent a 'racist,' 'fascist,' or 'theocrat,' and storm off in a huff.

Why do you think they're so scared of Fox News?

Why do you think Keith Olbermann said Rupert Murdoch is worse than Bin Ladin?

Because Murdoch always tempers his media enterprises to cater to an underfed market. When he started in Australia, the bulk of the industry was conservative, so he swung liberal. In America, the MSM is 90% Democrats, so he swung his outlets Republican, and it appears to have worked with Fox News beating all comers in the ratings.

That's why liberals want to bring in censorship to ban Fox News, conservative blogs, and talk radio.

That's why conservatives and related groups on campus are subjected to regular and often violent harassment.

That's why The Path to 9/11 is being denied a DVD release, because it makes the Clintons and Sandy Berger look feckless and ineffective in the face of Al Qaeda. Even Oliver "Castro" Stone thinks it's being censored.

Liberals expect, nay demand, control of all outlets of information, because they can't stand up to a real debate.

And though they may claim to support free speech, the only thing they truly support is getting power and keeping it, that's while they'll gladly toss free speech out the window if it suits them.

So remember kids, challenge everything. If they can't argue with you, they're probably a liberal.

That's all, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

9.12.2007

New Osama Videos!

Howdy Earthlings, Xran here.

You can applaud, but not so loud. Everybody's resting after last night's roast, so to keep you entertained, here's a new video about the new videos from Osama Bin Ladin.

video

9.11.2007

THE MOXARGON ROAST!

SOYLENT GREEN PRESENTS

LIVE FROM THE FLOKIAN FRIARS CLUB

IT'S THE

REMULAK MOXARGON ROAST!

WITH YOUR HOST:

TEKTAK F. MECHANOID

& THE ROASTERS:

XRAN THE FLESHRENDER

WYATT EARP

ANDROID CAI/7

DAMIAN G.

SPECIAL GUEST: DALEK DRONE 9099

RT

VAROS QUASAR

MUSLIHOON

SNOTGLOB T. MUTANT

AND OUR GUEST OF DISHONOUR

THE ONE THE ONLY

REMULAK MOXARGON!

NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST WITH THE MOST

TEKTAK F. MECHANOID!

(Applause)

TEKTAK- Thank, you thank you all for coming. I'd say how great it is to be here, but momma didn't program no liars. We were brought here today to honour a great man, a wonderful man, a man of great charity, wisdom, generosity, and let's not mince words, raw sex appeal. Too bad Remulak vaporized him!

(Laughter)

TEKTAK- Let's meet our guest of dishonour, the man who needs no introduction, because all he does is brag about himself, REMULAK MOXARGON!

(Moxargon enters takes the 'hot seat.')

TEKTAK- Great to see you Remulak, the embalmers did a wonderful job.

(Moxargon laughs, everyone else then laughs)

TEKTAK- Let the roasting begin! Our first roaster is a genuine class act, in fact, one of his first acts was to rob his kindergarten class. Let's hear it for space pirate and raconteur Xran the Fleshrender!

(Xran takes the podium)

XRAN- I've known Remulak Moxargon a long time. A long, long, long, painful, boring, and obnoxious time. And let me tell you something folks, there's a warm-hearted and kind human being inside Remulak Moxargon, I know this because I saw him eat one for breakfast.

(Everyone laughs)

XRAN- What can be said about Remulak that hasn't already been screamed out by his victims? Not much, and definitely nothing that can be said while Damian G's in the room.

(Eveyone except Damian G. laughs)

XRAN- Sure I could come here, and tell you embarrassing stories of our days in school, but you don't get to live as long as I have by doing that. Remulak, you're a discredit to homicidal intergalactic despots everywhere. And I'd say a hell of a lot more, but since we're charging you for the booze, I'm going to stay on your good side tonight!

(Everyone laughs)

TEKTAK- Next up, is a man whose blog has been condemned by the ACLU as a new form of police brutality, the pride of the Philadelphia PD, which shows what bad shape they're in Wyatt Earp!

(Wyatt Earp takes the podium, drink in hand)

WYATT EARP- Remulak Moxargon has many accomplishments to his credit: he is the ruler of the known universe, editor-in-chief of a highly-successful blog, and the first living organism with an ass for a head. Nice skull, Mox: I've seen better heads on a pint of beer!

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- I kid Mox, in part because I would like to be one of the lucky ones left alive after his conquest of Earth. Of course, he has been planning this "conquest" longer than Rosie O'Donnell has been a lesbian, but perfection takes time, right folks?

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- But seriously, who else can whittle the branches of info-tainment like our Supreme Overlord? No one, that's who - at least until our distress calls to the Jedi are answered. Until then, We who are about to die, salute you!

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- Thanks, you've been great. Try the soylent green Canadian bacon: it's HAM!!!

TEKTAK- Wyatt Earp you're as funny as getting pepper sprayed. Our next guest is definitely past his warranty, but that's never stopped him before, the ultra-logical Android Cai/7!

(ANDROID CAI/7 takes the podium)

ANDROID CAI/7- Insulting a powerful warlord like Remulak Moxargon is highly illogical. I have learned this lesson when he disintegrated my body after I tried to take over his blog, and then when he got me a new body, he programmed it to feel pain if I ever crossed him again. So I will take a more logical tack and tell you all what a truly wonderful organic entity Moxargon really is...

(ZAP)

ANDROID CAI/7- Aaaargh! Why did you do that?

MOXARGON- Nobody likes a suck-up.

TEKTAK- Let's hear it for Android Cai/7! Yeah. That was painful for everyone. And the word painful perfectly describes the blog of our next, and youngest guest, I have to stretch this out, because he's got to come all the way from the kiddie table, living proof that if America's young people are its future, then it has no future, blogger, scholar, and before picture for Stridex Damian G.!

(Damian G. comes over from a rickety card table in the corner and takes the podium)

DAMIAN G.- We're here to pay tribute to Remulak MoxArgon, a self-described 'trans-galactic conqueror, warlord and political columnist.' Let me give you a bit of background. In August, 2005, a very drunk and horny Remulak searched for a source of pleasure. Having exhausted his pet thrax-o-frat, Remulak turned to the series of tubes known as the Innernets. There, he found Michelle Malkin and was immediately smitten. He made it his goal to know Michelle - Biblically - and to get lots of visitors not with his wit, or political analysis, but with this...

(A few giggle, more out of pity)

DAMIAN G.- Right, then. Back to teh roastage. Now, I'm not going to say Remulak is fat, but I am saying that he violates the Copernican theory, because the Sun revolves around him!

(Crickets chirp)

DAMIAN G.- Oookay. I do a pretty good impression of Remulak. BOW DOWN BEFORE MY BLUE PENIS SHAPED HEAD!!!

(Even the crickets fall silent)

DAMIAN G.- Oh god! I'm not funny! That's why girls don't like me? Aaaaaghh!

(Damian G. runs from the podium in shame)

TEKTAK- He ran so fast he put a rip in the feet of his Spongebob pyjamas. Next up, is a former member of this very blog, you all know and love him as the killing machine who has trouble getting up stairs, Dalek Drone-9099.

(DRONE-9099 takes the podium)

DRONE-9099- Exterminate! Exterminate!

(Everyone laughs.)

TEKTAK- Thanks old buddy, it's good to see that you can still deliver the funny. Up next is a blogger whose wit, beauty, grace, and fame are second to none... wait, Michelle Malkin cancelled, so you're gonna have to settle for RT.

(Everyone groans, RT takes the podium)

RT- So, we are roasting Remulak. The idea of a roasted Remulak brings many things to mind: tough to eat, hard to swallow, and a need to have Pepto-Bismol on hand.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Remulak is so starved for "attention" that his whole body is blue.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Remulak has many qualities: He's an angry sort of guy (He is a guy, right? Well, his type lacks human plumbing ya know...nothing is there, really--Ken-doll smooth, I tell ya).

MOXARGON- Wouldn't you like to know.

RT- Yeah, sure he's smarter than a rock and stronger than a ten year old, but his use of intimidation and the evil eye rivals that of a school lunch lady. His wit, however, is why I quickly skim through the MoxArgon site.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Seriously, though, Remulak's mix of humor and good sense make for a pleasant visit each time I wander by the site (after drinking lots of adult beverages and turning on the black lights).

(Everyone laughs)

TEKTAK- Thanks RT, to bad we couldn't quickly skim that routine. Whoah! Up next is eveyone's favourite fin-headed liberal and the poster child for birth control, Varos Quasar.

(Varos takes the podium)

VAROS- Thanks everyone, I've come to condemn this brutal practice of 'roasting' people! It's tantamount to torture! Which is why I brought the petition to ban roasts and....

(Trap door opens beneath Varos)

VAROS- Aaaaaaahhhhh!

TEKTAK- Let's give Varos a big hand. Not much of an act, but one hell of an exit. Our next roaster is man whose name is synonymous with the word pointless. Let's give a warm welcome to Muslihoon!

(Applause)

MUSLIHOON- There's been a lot of discussion about Remulak's use of Canadian spelling. Why does Remulak use The Queen's English? What else ought a queen to use?

(Laughs)

MUSLIHOON- Remulak dyes his skin blue, out of the mistaken notion that humans will assume he has blue blood.

(Crickets)

MUSLIHOON- Remulak's opposition to Islamism is out of frustration over the fact he will never get the boys like pearls the Qur'an promises Muslim men in heaven. Now, if there were seventeen virgin boys like pearls...Remulak would have a beard and turban by now.

(Crickets go silent)

MUSLIHOON- Come on, these are the jokes folks. How about...

(Muslihoon's bow tie starts spinning, then begins to tighten)

MUSLIHOON- Aaakk! I'm choking! Help...aaaakkk!

(Muslihoon stumbles off the stage gagging violently)

TEKTAK- I guess he choked in more ways than one. Our last roaster is up not because we're saving the best for last, but because he arrived late, Snotglob T. Mutant!

(Snotglob takes podium)

SNOTGLOB- Remulak Moxargon is worse than Hitler. So is George W. Bush!

(A large hook comes out and drags Snotglob off the stage)

TEKTAK- That was the cliché police. They're very strict. Now we can't let all this roasting happen and not let our victim, I mean roastee, get a few shots back, so let's give a big hand to the Known Universe's Absolute Ruler, Remulak Moxargon.

(Standing ovation)

MOXARGON- Thanks for coming. It's good to get all you people in one place, saves ammunition.

(Laughter)

MOXARGON- What a night. If they did this for the terrorists held at Gitmo, they'd really be war criminals.

(Laughter)

MOXARGON- It's good to see everyone here. Tektak, you're a sad, desperate, petty mistake of science, but you're cheap, so I'll keep you. Xran, what can I say about you? If you were uglier you'd be joining Code Pink. I can't insult Varos and Snotglob. They think being called a lefty is a compliment, and I'm not going to even try to top Drone-9099, so let's move to our Earthling guests.

MOXARGON- Wyatt Earp, not to say you're a lousy detective, but the only cases you show interest in are labelled 'Budweiser.'

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- If you ever want anyone to confess, just threaten to tell them some of your jokes. They're more effective than electroshock to the gonads.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Damian G., whose act was the real Amityville Horror, normally I'd kill someone for the type of lowbrow insults you used, but since you died horribly on stage, I don't have to.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Seriously kid, girls will like you someday. All you need is to find a girl that's your style, like Helen Keller with Paris Hilton's morals.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- RT, you do belong on the stage. Too bad it's a lower stage of evolution.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- And not to say that you have a problem with the 'adult beverages' but Wyatt Earp once gave you a breathalyser and the machine yelled: "CHEERS!" You make Lindsey Lohan look like Mother Theresa.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- And Muslihoon, what can I say. You've given new meaning to the term 'suicide bombing.'

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- But in all seriousness, you're the poster boy for decapitation. And I think all your gay jokes are a bit of the 'methinks he doth protesteth too much' if you know what I mean. So let me put it clearly, so even you can understand. MUSLIHOON: I'M STRAIGHT. WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU. RT, thanks.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Well, that's our time. I'd say I had a wonderful time, but I didn't. I would like to thank you for coming, now I know who needs my especially brutal brand of vengeance. Goodnight, and keep watching the stars, because we're watching you!

9.08.2007

Little Help?

Hi Earthlings.

Does anyone know where I can find a downloadable WMV file of Bin Ladin's latest screed? All I can get are flash files, and my video editor doesn't handle them. (Remulak had to get the cheapest model.)

I'm getting back into video making and want to do something about the return of Blackbeard.

Just let me know in the pleas sections.


Keep the jokes coming to xran001(at)yahoo.ca the roast is on for Tuesday night, so Monday at midnight is the latest.

See ya later!

ROAST IS GO FOR TUESDAY!

We're going to need your best material for the upcoming roast and soon because Remulak will be back on Tuesday. So get crackin!

Like the new background?

It's kinda low key, yet spacey.

9.06.2007

BAGMAN ON THE RUN!

Evening everybody, it's your pal Norman Hsu here, and I got another song to commemorate my recent flight from the law. I hope you like it.

Snuck outside those four walls, ran away forever,
For raising shady money for Democrats to use,
Jail Hsu, screw you.

I'll never get sent in there,
Because I was giving cash away
To the Democrat Party.
All I need is to run far away
And I'll never get sent to there. (If he ever gets sent there)

Well, my plan exploded with a mighty crash
And I went on the run,
And George Soros said to the Clinton so fair
I Hope you're having fun.

Bagman On The Run, Bagman On The Run.
And The Jailer Man and LAPD Sam were searching every one
For the bagman on the run, Bagman on the run,
Bagman on the run, Bagman on the run

Well, the big Judge drew a heavy sigh
Seeing that I didn't come,
And an alarm was ringing in the village square
for the bagman on the run.

Bagman On The Run, Bagman On The Run.
And the Jailer Man and LAPD Sam were searching every one
For the bagman on the run, Bagman on the run,
Bagman on the run, Bagman on the run

Yeah the Bagman On The Run, Bagman On The Run,
Bagman on the run, Bagman on the run

Well, the night was falling as the political world
began to settle down.
In the town they're searching for me everywhere,
but I never will be found.

Bagman On The Run, Bagman On The Run.
And the county judge, who held a grudge
Will search for evermore

For the Bagman On The Run, Bagman on the run,
Bagman On The Run, Bagman On The Run

9.03.2007

Culture Corner: A Boy Named Hsu

Howdy y'all, my name is Norman Hsu.

Y'all may reckon me by my fundraising for Hillary Clinton and my recent legal troubles.

But I'm more than that.

I'm also a country and western singer, and I'd like to play you a little tune I wrote while waiting in the lock-up to be punished for my crimes.

A BOY NAMED HSU

Apologies to Shel Silverstein & Johnny Cash

My sentence was hard time for three
But prison time just ain't for me
I got lots of money and buddies in the news
Don't hate me cause I ran and hid
To escape doing time for the fraud I did

Well, I thought doing time was quite a joke
cause you shouldn't go to jail when you're rich folk,
I didn't want to fight my whole life through.
My cellmate would grope me and I'd get red
And some guard would laugh and then bust my head,
I tell ya, jail life won't be easy for a boy named "Hsu."

Well, I had to be quick and I had to be keen,
My cash was cold for when I got seen,
I'd roam from Malibu to Washington and not hide my name.
But I made a vow to the moon and stars
That I'd ride in SUVs and luxurious cars
And raise money for folks who can bury my shame.

Well, it was a campaign in mid-July
And I just hit Beverly Hills and my cash was high,
I thought I'd stop and throw Democrats a do.
They didn't care if my name was mud,
Cause I was fundraising double-dealing stud,
Not a dirty, mangy crook the cops named "Hsu."

Well, I knew that they knew I was a big cad
But they loved me because of the cash I had,
And a certain political filly caught my eye.
She was blonde and sharp and shady and cold,
And on the campaign trail she could be a scold
And I said: "My name is 'Hsu!' How do you do!
Do you want my big money pie?"

Well, I tossed some cash right before her eyes
And she loved me for it, but to my surprise,
She kept wanting more if I wanted a piece of her ear.
I had to raise more or be treated like meat
I stopped short of selling my sweet ass on the street
My cash paying to sling her mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell ya, I ain't met any meaner men
Than Hillary Clinton,
She kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.
When my crimes leaked out and made a fuss,
She tossed away my money like it was cursed,
And stood there lookin' at me with a phony smile.

And she said: "Hsu, an election is rough
And if a woman's gonna make it, she's gotta be tough
But I shouldn't be there to help you along.
So I give away some cash and say goodbye
And you have to go to jail and fry
It's all in the game that will to make me strong."

He said: "Now you turn yourself in and let the lawyers fight
And don't you hate me, though you got the right
To give Obama money, and I wouldn't blame you if you do.
But I ought to thank ya, before you fry,
For the cash in my kitty from all your other guys
But I won't cause I'm the bitch that denied knowing "Hsu.'"

I got all choked up and I lost all my fun
And I offered her more cash, and she promised me a pardon,
And I came away with a different point of view.
And I think about her, now and then,
Every time there's a scandal and every time she'll spin,
And if I never get a pardon, I think I'm gonna blame her
Not Bill or George! But Hillary and I will hate that name!

Yee-haw!

Remember vote Democrat, or I won't be getting out of jail!

And don't forget to visit here for info on the Remulak MoxArgon roast. I wish I could go, but I'm in the jailhouse now...

...hmmm....

That could be the title of a country tune....

9.01.2007

BIG NEWS KIDDIES!

Howdy little Earthlings, Xran here with an important announcement.

In mid August our little blog had its second anniversary. Now Remulak didn't want to make a big fuss, but he's taking a week off to rule the Universe, leaving me and TekTak in charge, and we want a big fuss!

So here's the plan.

While Remulak's away we're going to organize a ROAST!

Yep, you've got it, a genuine Friars Club style Roast of the Known Universe's Beloved Blue skinned leader.

So I want you to tap into your inner Don Rickles and send in your best zingers, jokes, and one liners about our friend, our overlord to xran001(at)yahoo.ca.


Don't let the fact that he has no sense of humour and the largest and deadliest military in the Universe dissuade you, let it rip.

And to ensure the most people read about this upcoming roast... Here's that lovely stack of money that's been such a visit boon to us!
Catch you later!