Reality Check: Arizona

I just saw the reports coming from Arizona about the mass shooting at a public appearance by Democratic Rep. Gabrielle Giffords by a man named Jared Loughner.

I'm not going to discuss the event itself. Right now the truth is buried in a flurry of conflicting reports and it could be days before we get anywhere near the real story, if it hasn't been already lost forever in a realm of urban myth.

What I am going to talk about is the rash of talk among the political left and its supporters calling for censorship of "inflammatory rhetoric" that they believe must be behind the shooting.

Here's a reality check:

WE DON'T KNOW WHY THE REAL REASON THIS GUY SHOT THOSE PEOPLE!

He could have been inflamed by political rhetoric, he could also have been inflamed by the voices in his head.

His motives may also not spring from alleged "incitements to violence" from the political right. His real target may have been the Republican appointed Federal Judge John Roll.

The point is WE DON'T KNOW.

WE MAY NEVER REALLY KNOW.

And I want those calling for censorship and regulation of "inflammatory speech" to ask themselves these questions:

What if this guy shot a Republican politician?

What if he was screaming "I did it all for you Keith Olbermann!" as the Secret Service took him down?

Would you still be demanding that free speech, the foundation of political liberty, be tossed out the window, or would you try to pawn it off as the work of a "lone nut," or still try to find a way to blame it on Glenn Beck or Sarah Palin?

If you had an ounce of honesty in yourself, you'd answer those questions, then you'd probably tone down your own rhetoric. Because those who demand censorship usually end up censored themselves in the end.

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE YEAR!

Greetings puny Earthlings!

You calendar says that this is the last day of your year 2010. Well, good for you, you managed to make it another year without blowing yourselves up, but you keep on trying. So let's look at those who took douchebaggery into the next level, I'm talking out our DOUCHEBAGS OF THE YEAR!!

Here they are in no particular odor!

BILLIONAIRES

You gotta love these guys, they make billions of dollars, and then support politicians, and even openly campaign for causes, like higher taxes, to prevent others from joining their happy little club. While they declare that everyone else needs to hand over their income to the government, they get patted on the back as moral paragons for putting some of their mega-fortunes in tax-free charitable foundations.

And while we're on the topic of moral paragons, let's look at the one the media love to back-pat the most, Warren Buffet and his position on the cancer tobacco industry:

"I’ll tell you why I like the cigarette business. It costs a penny to make. Sell it for a dollar. It’s addictive. And there’s fantastic brand loyalty." — Warren Buffett, quoted in Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco

That sounds like the attitude of a true moral paragon.

JULIAN ASSANGE

Everything about this guy screams sleaze. That's really all I can say about him.

BRADLEY MANNING

Word is that this fellow brags that he committed treason, and put hundreds, if not thousands of lives in danger because he was feeling pissy about "Don't ask, don't tell." I think that the fact that he used a Lady Gaga CD to commit said treason is a clear case of "telling."

Now his allies and lawyers are running to the United Nations screaming that they should force the USA to let him go over bogus accusations that he's being "tortured." If he was really being tortured, any complaints would go to the Inspector General of the US military. The IG's office can actually do something. The UN can only do one thing: Sway the media and the Democrats with pleas for mercy from such civil liberty utopias of Syria, Iran, and North Korea.

He is not being tortured. Right now he's being treated like he's made of glass and tissue paper, because they need him in one piece in order to hang him. They have to hang him because America's rather light record on treating treason and the people who commit it convinced him that he can get away with it, and if he does, America can kiss its national security goodbye.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA

They really don't need to be mentioned.

THE TSA

Badly run, with a philosophy centered on harassing the innocent over catching the guilty. How long do you think it will take before some Iman files a lawsuit that gets Muslims a special pass from security scans and airport fondle fests? I'm betting it will happen in 2011.

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

People wondered what the Democrats would do with control of both the White House and Congress, and now we know: They went completely bat-shit insane. To hell with the constitution, to hell with voters, and to hell with logic and rationality.

EARTHLING SCIENTISTS

From continuing to propagate the myth of man-made climate change (take from an alien whose been around a few millennium, CLIMATES CHANGE ALL THE TIME), to lame pseudo-studies that claim to "explain" conservatism as some sort of mental deficiency.

In my empire we don't need humor magazines, we have your scientific journals for our shits and giggles.

JON STEWART & STEPHEN COLBERT

Jon Stewart is the new Ed Murrow for criticizing Republicans for criticizing a bill that will probably end up denying health care to 9-11 first responders because vague wording makes it wildly susceptible to fraud. But Stewart's writers told him to demand it be passed, and so he did, because he's an obedient little court jester to his Democrat masters.

Then there's the so-called "Rally To Restore Sanity" he held with his catamite Colbert. It was more of a "Rally To Inflate Our Sense of Smug Superiority."

THE FCC

Net neutrality, the government's plan to regulate the internet by eliminating competition and controlling bandwidth couldn't pass through congress. So the Obama administration passed the ball to their obedient bureaucratic minions in the FCC to begin the process of whittling down free speech into nothing. Expect a regulatory return of the "Fairness Doctrine" to shut down talk radio and Fox News.

It's useless, and should be disbanded.

Speaking of useless

PUBLIC SECTOR UNIONS

Didn't need to be created, because there already were laws on the books ensuring the rights and privileges of public employees. The unions were formed during the Kennedy administration to create a permanent bloc that would vote for the party that consistently fattened up their salaries and memberships and to hell with the consequences, and by that I mean, the Democrats.

THE IVY LEAGUE

The Ivy League went from being the best centers of learning available, to centers for the elite to congregate and perpetuate their own, and now it's become a diploma factory for folks with either the money, or the ability to play politically correct academic games.

I now hold a Harvard degree against a politician.

Anyway if you're on this list, then...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Checks: IT'S A TRAP! Edition

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Time for some reality checks, and for that I brought my old college roomie Admiral Akbar to help me out. Ain't that right Akkie?
Oh, Akkie, you crack me up. But don't jump the gun just yet. Give me a chance to explain some of the traps folks are walking into.

First up:

DON'T ASK DON'T TELL

Now my empire has had gays in the military for centuries, but I can understand that the transition can be tricky. So I actually applaud the repeal of the inane Don't Ask Don't Tell Law, because.... Hit it Akky!

That's right.

All you hippies running around smoking pot and voting Democrat have just stuck your foot into a big fat bear trap. Why? Because you just lost your most popular excuse to get out of the draft.

"You can't draft me, because I like dudes!"

Well, that little excuse, or ploy, isn't going to get you out of uniform in any way that you're going to like. And remember how Democrats love their quotas and mandatory hiring, so expect an "Equality Draft" Bill sometime before 2012.

JULIAN ASSANGE

Julian Assange got bail, and is spending his free time over the Christmas holidays at the mansion of the parents of one of his journalist supporters.

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel that....
Come on, think about it people!

Haven't any of you people watched British television, or read any mystery novels?

Think about it, a man with a lot of enemies, political and personal, and a history of lechery, gets bail for a scandalous criminal charge and goes to spend the holidays at a wealthy family's country estate. This is the sort of thing that you just know is going to end up with a body in the conservatory next to a bloody candlestick.

There will be a lot of accusations, conspiracy theories, and then some short fat Belgian reveals that the real killer was just someone who was upset over Assange giving them chlamydia in 2003.

If Assange was a dorky upper class playboy with a horde of tyrannical aunts and no real enemies, it would be more of a PG Wodehouse, romantic farce, instead of the Agatha Christie plot-line he's put himself in.

And let's have a look at what will probably be the next trap to look for...

GAY MARRIAGE

Oh sure, Republicans and churches oppose it, so Democrats and Hollywood people are demanding it. However....
Thanks Akkie.

That's right. You see, about 20 years ago a Republican activist who was gay, thought gay marriage was the perfect way to win over the gay vote in the long term. You see people get married, they start families, buy homes, and then start voting Republican.

Gay activists were repelled by this idea, seeing it as the imposition of Republican ethics and values on their community. So the Republicans backed off, and started to oppose it, like gays in the military. Reverse psychology kicked in, and now gays are clamoring to join those Republican bastions of military personnel, and the married middle class, and Democrats are fighting like cats in a sack to shove them in. None of them realizing...
Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Check: Leaky Edition

Greetings puny Earthlings....

Sorry I've been so lazy with posting lately, but to be blunt I have an intergalactic empire, and you people are apparently getting dumber. So I'm here to cash a reality check for you, this one about....

WIKILEAKS

I just saw that an arrest warrant was issued for Julian Assange the accused rapist and admitted leaker of classified documents for the enjoyment of terrorists and the dictators who love them.

I once was faced with a similar dilemma. Many years ago I was fighting a war against an insectoid race called the Zzz'Ach. The Zzz'Ach thought that all the other sentient races of the Universe existed to be their buffet, and steadfastly refused to live in peace with their neighbours. Naturally a very nasty war broke out requiring the reconquest of the entire Omaxian 3-123 Galaxy.

This chap named Grox thought I was being prejudiced against insectoid races, even though seventy-five thousand sentient insect species call my empire home as full citizens. He talked a low level clerk named Murg into leaking some of my war-plans and published them for all the Universe, including the Zzz'Ach to see.

I had Murg executed after a court martial and immediately issued a warrant for Grox's arrest. I can even quote the entire thing for you here, my warrant said: "Bring me his head."

Now I'm not a harsh man, I didn't order his murder. My android police simply detached his head from his body, plugged into into a life support sphere, and brought it to me. He's still around, in fact, we go bowling regularly. He doesn't seem to like bowling though.

Julian Assange and his minion Bradley Manning have openly declared themselves enemies of Western Civilization. That means that they are too be treated the same as the terrorists, dictators and pirates they seem to admire so much. I'm thinking Gitmo, military trial as enemy combatants, and then summary execution.

Or, the Americans could just use that death ray I left behind at Area 51 and melt him like a Nazi at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark during one of his press conferences. I know you have it. Just because I was drunk doesn't mean I'm forgetful.

If someone told Obama that Assange supported the Arizona immigration law he'd whip that thing out himself faster than he can spend a trillion dollars.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Check: Cause Or An Excuse?

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I just got back from a trip hunting Trivolian Snarkpuds when I heard that Juan Williams had been fired from his post as a news analyst on NPR.
Yep, someone was able to fire that face. Of course as soon as I heard the news I asked why was he fired, and when I got the answer I was gobsmacked.

Apparently he was fired for offering his opinion.

Now I know that you Earthlings are a relatively primitive, savage, and fairly dim species as a whole, but I think even you know that it's the job of a news analyst to look at the news, analyze that news, and then offer their opinion.

But according to this woman...

Vivian Schiller

Offering opinions is not the job of an opinion giving analyst.

Really?

Of course that wasn't their first story. Frau Schiller She-Wolf of the NPR said that his admission to Bill O'Reilly that seeing openly Muslim men on airplanes made him nervous. He then went on to say how bad that made him feel and how wrong it is to be prejudiced and to deny anyone their constitutional rights... so on and so forth.

Next thing old Don Juan Williams knew, he was out at NPR, first for being a bigot, but when that seemed too silly, it was that whole giving an opinion foolishness.

Now mind you, if Juan said that seeing a Baptist minister and his family on a plane making him nervous he'd probably be promoted, but saying that about Muslims is a no no, because, well, the powers that be in NPR's little pocket dimension say so.

Of course it's not Juan Williams' alleged bigotry that the source of those jittery nerves but rather the bigotry of--

Guys like this
who apparently number in the hundreds of thousands around the world and do things like

this.

No amount of even NPR brand irrationality could justify classifying Juan Williams' statement as racist, or, as Frau Schiller has stated, something only to be shared with a psychiatrist. It also can't make anyone choke down the 'you can't give an opinion because you're an opinion journalist' story either.

No, all the blather spewing from the gaping maw of NPR is just that blather. There are not causes, but excuses.

You see Juan Williams has cause to feel the way he does, NPR is just hunting for an excuse to get rid of him.

Now why would they want to get rid of him?

I mean he is a flaming liberal, he supports the Democratic Party and its screwy platform, as well as most of the politically correct shibboleths that a taxpayer/Soros supported NPR on-air personality is supposed to believe.

The problem is that he was honest about his opinions. He debated his opinions on Fox News openly, and from a place of sincere belief. He also showed the integrity to discuss the opinions of others as just differing from his own, and not as the root of all that evil in the universe.

In other words, he showed too much honesty and integrity for NPR's liking and he did it in the court of crimson king himself Roger Ailes of Fox News.

It's time for the taxpayer to stop having their money pissed away on sinecures for political hacks like Frau Schiller, Nina Totenberg, and that paragon of pseudo-journalistic whoring the late and nowhere near great Daniel Schorr.

That put a target on his head, because the last thing the gauleiters of NPR believe is honest debate based on honest beliefs. NPR stands for using taxpayer dollars to promote and maintain the power of the extreme left-wing of the Democratic Party, and there's no room for any honesty and integrity in that stance.

It's good to see Roger Ailes swoop in to save the day, and offer Juan a full time job. Because while you may not agree with his beliefs, he really does believe them, and is willing to debate them, and not scream racism and stomp off like one of the petulant brats on The View.

Xran Xplains: President Obama VS The US Chamber of Commerce

Howdy Earthlings!

It's your favorite alien space pirate Xran the Fleshrender here, and once again it has fallen on me to simplify the complicated after it's been complicated by the simple.

Today it is my duty to explain why President Barack Obama and his administration has declared war on the US Chamber of commerce:

THIS IS
THE US CHAMBER
OF COMMERCE

Its job is to represent the interests of both
BIG BUSINESSES
&
SMALL BUSINESSES
That means making public statements
in support of
PRO-BUSINESS POLITICIANS
& not
ANTI-BUSINESS POLITICIANS
like
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
& HIS CRONIES
are all
MILITANTLY ANTI-BUSINESS
unless you're a businessman named
GEORGE SOROS
(I'll get back to that in a bit)

That means they don't like the
US CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
& sent out top catamite minion
DAVID AXELROD
to accuse the
US CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
of illegally using money from
WALL STREET FAT CATS
&
SINISTER FOREIGNERS
under the direction of
KARL ROVE
to
STEAL DEMOCRACY

Naturally
DAVID AXELROD
has no
EVIDENCE
of any of this but
DAVID AXELROD
believes that the
US CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
must
PROVE THEY'RE
NOT GUILTY
by
RELEASING THE NAMES
OF ALL OF THEIR DONORS

So those same donors can be
AUDITED
by the
IRS
SUED
by groups like
MOVE ON.ORG
&
CRIMINALLY PROSECUTED
by
US ATTORNEY GENERAL
ERIC HOLDER

Who thinks
VOTER INTIMIDATION
is fine and dandy
but
FREE SPEECH
IS NOT

This is to make people too scared to vote
for anyone but
DEMOCRATS
ever again and to hell with the
CONSTITUTION

It also acts as a
DIVERSION
from the people who give money to
DEMOCRATS
because they include real
WALL STREET FAT CATS
BILLIONAIRE SPECULATORS
& REAL FOREIGN CRIMINALS.

I hope that clears things up for you.