Answers Please?

Hello Earthlings.

I have a few questions and I hope that you can answer them for me.

1. President Obama says that Iran has a right to nuclear energy. Then why does he oppose America having nuclear energy?

2. While I admire President Obama as Earth's messiah, I have to wonder why he is he still campaigning since he's already won the election?

3. Why are people so upset about the Sotomayor nomination? All she did was repeatedly espoused supremacy based on ethnicity and gender, which is okay as long as it's coming from the right ethnicity or gender.

4. Since it is agreed that Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the murder of that saintly abortionist, why are some criticizing various mullahs and imams as being responsible for the deaths of people at the hands of terrorists? We're talking apples and oranges here!!!

5. Why did Angelina Jolie beat Oprah on the celebrity power list? I mean Oprah managed to buy a presidency, can Angelina top that?

That's all for today.

Answers Please?

Hello Earthlings, Varos Quasar here, and I have a question.

There's a lot of ballyhoo about a video featuring Prince Harry using the word "Paki" as a nickname for one of his squad-mates. Now, as the site's token liberal, I have no doubt that the term is racist, and that Prince Harry must be racist for using it, and is therefore worse than Hitler, but I still have a question.

Why is the term "Paki" racist?

I mean if you meet someone descended from the people of Uzbekistan and ask them if they're an Uzbek, and they will usually answer yes, and often with pride. Ask someone from Kazakhstan if they're a Kazakh, and they will say yes, and often with pride. You would get the same response from people from Turkmenistan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, and even the Kurdistan region of Iraq.

So what's the problem with Pakistan?

Why are they ashamed by the name of their nation?

I've looked it up, and the name was constructed as a wordplay symbolizing how the country was composed of Punjab, Afghania, Kashmir, Sindh, and Baluchistan regions while also meaning "Land of the Pure" in Urdu and Persian.

So what's wrong with being called "Pure" or acknowledging the country's rich ethnic tapestry?

Could it be Pakistan's creation by political opportunists who used religious nationalism in 1947 to cover up their own lack of foresight in forging the necessary alliances with Hindus in the struggle for Indian independence from the British Empire?

Is it that the country swings wildly between corrupt and incompetent elected governments, to autocratic and incompetent military dictatorships?

Or maybe it's the country's headlong rush to the seventh century, while it's neighbour India looks forward to become a democratic, economic, and military superpower in the 21st century?

Why haven't the people of Pakistan and their relations abroad simply seized the name and wear it with pride?

As a liberal I will accept as racist what I am told to be racist, but I do like to know why.

Quasar's Media Roundtable...

VAROS QUASAR: Good evening and welcome to my very own feature, my MEDIA ROUNDTABLE, where I discuss important issues in Earthling politics with the most objective and non-partisan journalists in the world. Joining me are Jack Cafferty of CNN's the Cafferty File.

JACK CAFFERTY: Hello.

VAROS QUASAR: Respected investigative journalist and intellectual Keith Olbermann.

KEITH OLBERMANN: Good night and good luck.

VAROS QUASAR: And finally, honoured journalist and public thinker Chris Matthews.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Barack Obama is a god to you people.

VAROS QUASAR: Let's start the roundtable with our first topic. John McCain has named Alaska governor Sarah Palin to be his Vice Presidential candidate. What do you fellows think about this appointment?

JACK CAFFERTY: She's a self-made woman with years of executive experience and a solid working class, American Christian background. She is pure, unadulterated evil.

KEITH OLBERMANN: Her experience, crusades against corruption even within her own party, and even her looks, make her a cancer on this country, not seen since Nazi Germany.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: I have it on good authority that Sarah Palin hunts hobos for sport.

VAROS QUASAR: Really, that's fascinating.

JACK CAFFERTY: And what about her knocked up daughter?

KEITH OLBERMANN: That disqualifies her from being one heartbeat away from the presidency even more than a history of plagiarism, brazen partisanship, and an utter lack of accomplishment.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Let's not forget her daughter!

JACK CAFFERTY: Yes, we must crush the daughter to destroy the mother!

KEITH OLBERMANN: Attack! Attack!

VAROS QUASAR: Wait, didn't Barack Obama asked you to leave the families of politicians alone?

JACK CAFFERTY: That's nothing.

KEITH OLBERMANN: Yeah, that's what he said, but it wasn't what he meant.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: What he meant was to leave the families of Democrats alone.

VAROS QUASAR: That makes sense. Well, Remulak's cutting us off, so that's all the time we have for now, so we'll see you next time.

NEWS OF THE EARTH #17: Grade Primary Edition

Hello Earthlings!

Varos Quasar here, and even though I'm a liberal I'm allowed to do a News of the Earth!

So here we go!

DATELINE: WASHINGTON D.C.: Hillary Clinton got angry and an MSNBC anchor was suspended for saying that Hillary was "pimping out" her daughter Chelsea with her constant campaigning. This goes to show what a fascist organisation MSNBC is. They are only supposed to use such slanderous language against the children of REPUBLICANS. Bastard!

DATELINE: TOLEDO, OHIO: The mayor of Toledo finally did the right thing and kicked the US Marines out of his city for the crime of daring to train in techniques for protecting the city. Mayor Carty Finkbeiner, you are an American hero, not like those cowards at Berkeley who are folding faster than Zendar the Swift making his bed, just because the federal government wants silly laws enforced. FIGHT THE POWER FINKBEINER!

Mayor Carty Finkbeiner
Toledo's Greatest Military Hero!

My Meme...

Hello puny Earthlings. Remulak's making us do that meme thing, whatever it is. So I guess I better get started.


8 THINGS ABOUT VAROS QUASAR

1. I have a fear of spiders that are more than three of your meters in height.

2. Despite rumours to the contrary, my head-fin is all natural and not a silicone implant.

3. I'm a damn good dancer.

4. I can also sing opera as a tenor. Not very well, but I find it relaxing.

5. I'm secretly addicted to a reality tv show called Dancing with the Deathbots.

6. I'm the best swimmer of the group, which natural because I'm amphibious.

7. I have a very keen sense of smell.

8. I'm a terrible driver.

Quasar's Questions

Greetings Earthlings.

I have a few more questions that I'd like to get answered, because there are some things about your world that I still don't understand.

1. If Michael Moore really cared about those 9/11 workers getting free health care, why didn't he arrange for them to go to Sweden, or France, or another country with socialized medicine? Why did he take them to a 3rd world dictatorship whose doctors almost killed their own president with their incompetence and had to be replaced with doctors from Spain?

2. Why do the Democrats in Congress have a lower approval rating than the President who is subject to a non-stop barrage of negative media coverage?

3. Why do so many Americans oppose surrendering to Islamic fundamentalists? The Democrats seem to like and agree with them, why not you?

Answers Please...

Greetings Earthlings. It's me, Varos Quasar with more questions that need answering.

1. Why was liberal shock-jock Don Imus fired for making an obnoxious statement which was much milder than the sort of statements made in rap music?

2. Why hasn't Al Sharpton been fired from his radio show for his blatantly racist and inflammatory rhetoric?

3. Why are Democrats willing to talk to any mass murdering and terror supporting dictator, but unwilling to talk to the US President over simple budget issues?

4. Why did Nancy Pelosi lie about her "breakthrough" with Syria over Israel?

5. How can anyone accept that Democrats are able to combat terrorism when they're all afraid of Fox News?

6. Why does the media spend so much time covering inanities like the Don Imus debacle and so little time on successes in Iraq?

7. Why won't any MSM outlets report on Diane Feinstein's resignation from a committee that made her husband millions of dollars?

8. If Nancy Sinatra had to point out that "These Boots Are Made For Walking," does that mean that people make boots for sitting?

9. Why do 'Blog Codes of Conduct' proposed by the left seem to only target speech from the right?

10. Why are Democrats afraid of Fox News?

11. Why do people accept every unseasonably warm day as evidence of Global Warming, and every unseasonably cold day as evidence of Global Warming?

12. Why is the climate Earth had in the 1950s-1980s considered some sort of ideal that has to be maintained? Wasn't it better when people could farm on Greenland?

13. How can John Edwards be considered a champion of the poor, when his own wife is scared of them?

If you have any answers, feel free to let me know.

Quasar's Questions

Greetings Earthlings.

It's me, Varos Quasar, and as the junior member of the MoxArgon Group, I'm still very new to your planet and I have some questions I'd like answered.

So here goes...





1. Why does South America complain when the USA ignores them, but when the USA doesn't ignore them, they complain that the USA is 'meddling?'



2. Does the giving of 'carbon credits' to Hollywood's Academy Award voters by a company founded and part-owned by Al Gore, constitute bribery to insure his winning the Best Documentary prize?



3. Why is Scooter Libby looking at prison for failing to remember gossip at a party, and Sandy Berger is free for stealing and destroying important secret documents?



4. Why is the firing of US Attorneys considered wrong and called a "purge" when it's done by a Republican, but okay when done by Democrats?



If anyone can answer these questions, please drop me a line.

So that's what a backlash looks like...

A Personal Message From Varos Quasar

Greeting puny Earthlings, it's the handsome one from the MoxArgon Group, Varos Quasar. I figure you've probably already heard about the arrests made in the Dominion of Canada of a suspected terrorist cell.

Once again the greater Islamic community has been given a chance to distance themselves from the image of the Muslim as terrorist or terrorist sympathiser and once again, as we say back home, they pollanxed the fondargle.

Almost as soon as word came out about the arrests a self proclaimed spokesman (there are very few spokeswomen) for the greater Muslim community condemned the arrests as the product of unfair racial/religious profiling.

Okay.

Maybe it will take a mind more evolved than your own puny craniums to explain this, so I'll give it a shot.

Let me use a hypothetical situation to explain this.

Imagine that Scandinavian Lutherans engage in violent terrorist and genocidal acts around the world, killing tens of thousands each year, Scandinavian Lutheran Pastors call for the deaths or enslavement of all non-Scandinavian Lutherans from the pulpit.

Then imagine in this world the police, claiming to stop a terrorist plot, arrest a group of Hindu cricket players.

That would be a case of unfair racial/religious profiling, especially for the Hindu cricketers.

It is not unfair profiling to investigate a group of men who match the predominant demographic of violent terrorists when they purchase over 3 tons of highly explosive ammonium nitrate fertilizer.

What were they planning to do with the ammonium nitrate?

Start a massive farm in the middle of a city where the average lawn is slightly smaller than a postage stamp?

Sorry, I just can't accept that as unfair.

Today they held a big meeting with representatives of the Toronto Police and the RCMP, not to express their support for their supposed home country, or to thank the police for excising this tumour of terrorism from the bofy of their community, but to demand extra protection from of a backlash.

What's the nature of this backlash?

Some yahoo broke some windows at a mosque.

So far that's all that's happened.

That's not a backlash.

Let me tell you what a backlash really looks like.

As a child on the planet Poxado VII I was part of the Trigonian Empire. One day a Poxado citizen went cuckoo-ballistic and set off a bomb on the planet Trigonia Prime.

In reaction, the Trigonians came to Poxado VII, and killed 50% of the population by dumping them into vats of Numerian Skinnibbler beetles where they died a slow, agonizing and terrible death.

That's a backlash.

Broken windows are not a backlash. That's petty vandalism.

So far there hasn't been a violent backlash against the Muslim community in North America. Even after the horror of the 9/11 massacre there was only a handful of isolated violent acts by people lacking the intelligence to orchestrate a proper backlash.

However, one might be on the horizon. Especially if the greater Islamic community doesn't do something to save itself, something it seems dead set against.

Refusing to expel or condemn people who engage in or support murder and terrorism is not helping you.

Constantly jumping to condemn others who do fight those among you who engage in or support murder and terrorism as racist or unfair is not helping you.

So to save your own bacon collective hide you must stop rising to defend terrorism and terrorists in the name of tolerance out of some sort of misguided sense of nationalistic brotherhood, because the tolerance of others can only go so far.

And then you will see what a real backlash looks like.

And that would be a horrible tragedy for all involved.

Dear Great Satan

A MOXARGON GROUP EXCLUSIVE BY VAROS QUASAR

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's me, you pal Varos Quasar. Okay, maybe I'm not your pal, but right about now I'm the least of your planet's problems. Now it's hit the news today that President Ahmadinejad (& I thought we had complicated names) had written a letter to the American President George W. Bush.

Well, thanks to a little matter transduction and duplication technology I have obtained a copy, and I've posted it here for you to read before it gets censored by the State Department spin-meisters.

Enjoy.

Dear Great Satan.

It's me, the man who will tear down your mighty and terrible empire in a wave of blood, fire, and screaming torment and bring about the coming of the Mahdi.

Now a lot of folks are making a lot of fuss about my recent comments about wiping Israel off the map and how we're trying to enrich uranium to build nuclear bombs to rain fire and death upon your infidel cities, but there's really nothing to worry about.

Sure, we are trying to make weapons to kill you all, but hey, I've been golden showered by Allah himself at the UN and that makes me special. It also means that you should just chill out an accept your inevitable and total destruction. I'd also like you to tell Shimon Perez of Israel to take a chill pill. He's been going on saying that Iran could be wiped off the map as well, and I think he means it.

That's just so wrong.

I know for a fact that Perez is not on Allah's rolodex, and henceforth does not have the right to threaten anyone with mass slaughter.

That's my job.

So set your boy straight, shut your trap, and let me get back to my job, which is bringing about the end of the world.

Toodles, and death to you all.

~Mahmoud "The Main Man of Tehran" Ahmadinejad.

Well, that's put my mind at ease.

Play 20 Questions with Varos Quasar

Greetings puny Earthlings, as the 'new guy' in the MoxArgon Group it's fallen upon me to learn as much as possible about your planet. That's why I've put together these 20 questions for various segments of Earthling society, and if you can answer them for me it just might inspire me to be merciful when my cyborg hordes finally swoop down on your measly little world.

For Earth's Muslim population:

1. Do you worship Mohammed or Allah? It seems pretty simple and straightforward, I've looked up some of your texts and they say that you worship Allah and that Mohammed was merely a vessel for the word of Allah. If that's true, then why are so many calling for death and destruction over caricatures of a humble vessel?

2. Why do these cartoons matter, aren't the works and opinions of non-believers meaningless if your faith is correct?

3. Are you rioting and threatening people to cover a shameful lack of faith on your part or the part of your leadership?

4. Why aren't you threatening and boycotting Egypt? A national paper there reprinted the cartoons approximately five of your Earth-months ago, and no one seemed to care.

5. If your system is so wonderful and the West so evil and foul, why aren't Westerners immigrating to your countries and not vice-versa?

6. Why do figures in Western entertainment have to apologize when they show radical Islamists engaging in terrorist activity, shouldn't the Muslim terrorists who created the stereotype be forced to apologize to their law abiding brethren?

7. How does producing oil for $5 a barrel and selling it to the West for around $70 a barrel constitute theft on the part of the West? From my perspective it looks like the West is getting the short end of the stick here.

For the American Democratic Party:

8. What's the big deal about your President collecting information on people who want to kill your citizens?

9. Why are Jimmy Carter and Robert Byrd, two 'reformed' believers in segregation with connections to the racist KKK, considered more sensitive to the needs of African-Americans than the Bush family who were founding financiers of civil rights groups like the NAACP?

10. Why are you against almost every program that attempts to protect your citizens from violent radical terrorists?

11. Why are your members calling for surrender in a war that you are actually winning?
Do you have any alternatives to Bush's policies other than just opposing him?

12. Why is gathering information on international terrorists bad, when your own leadership has used similar means to gather information about harmless political rivals?

13. Why is Cindy Sheehan, a woman viewed as either treasonous, mentally unstable, or both by the majority of America's population calling the shots over party policy?

14. Why is abortion considered an absolute good by members of your party, is it because over 70% of abortion clinics are in predominantly ethnic minority communities?

15. Why is the Patriot Act so evil? It only gives law enforcement the same tools to use against terrorists that they already use against organized crime.

16. If the Patriot Act really is evil then explain to me why Al-Qaeda members deserve more rights than American born members of La Cosa Nostra?

For the American Media & Entertainment Industries:

17. Why do you call it 'domestic spying' when the program is targeting foreign operatives?

18. Why do people who leak data that endangers national security called 'heroic whistleblowers' while people who expose questionable activity by Democratic operatives called 'threats to national security?'

19. Why is Hollywood insisting on releasing whiny anti-American movies that domestic audiences stay away from, and then reward these financial failures with underserved praise and awards?