News of the Earth!!

Hi Earthlings.

We haven't done one of these in a mogak's age, so I've decided to jump in and actually contribute to this blog once in a while.

1. Former newspaper publisher Conrad Black has been granted the right to appeal to his conviction. I think this time he should be allowed to show that his accusers destroyed a company that prospered when he was supposedly stealing.

2. Joe Biden gave away the location of his secret vice-presidential bunker. I won't give away the location, because Al Qaida's probably got it marked as a favourite on Google Earth. I swear, if he gets any dumber, he will officially be declared a mineral.

3. The Obama Administration's pet poodles in the mainstream media are attacking Dick Cheney, calling him "evil," a "stalker," and a dozen other names for daring to criticize the messiah. Yet none seem to successfully refute his arguments.

4. Nancy Pelosi's having a tizzy over torture. I don't know why, she only just declared herself a co-conspirator in her plan to criminalize the Bush administration.

Anyway, that's all for today, sorry for the light posting, but we're all very busy lately.

NEWS OF THE EARTH

Greetings puny Earthlings, here are a few new niblets to fill the yawning gaps in your life.

1. Worried about free speech? Well don't worry, just because the White House is conspiring with their media allies to blame all the world's ills on a pompous talk-show host doesn't mean they will be out to get you. Yet.

2. A recent poll shows that 60% approve of how Obama is doing his job. The other 40% know what's actually happening.

3. PBS Journalist Bonnie Erbe has declared that it's perfectly okay for Rahm Emmanuel to corrupt and gerrymander the electoral process as long as it elects Democrats. It's amazing how those who call themselves Democrats all seem to hate actual democracy.

And finally, a little giggle...

see more Political Pictures

There is only one thing I can say...

BLAGOJEVICH BECOMES PRISON BITCH

News of the Earth!

Greeting puny Earthlings, we haven't done this in a while, so here's a new edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

1. Earthling scientists (or as we call them: witch doctors) are baffled by this sight on the planet Saturn...
What a pack of primitives, acting like they've never seen an hyperspace starship portal under construction before. I laugh at your ignorance!

2. Everyone's getting a bailout in the USA! Which is a joke in itself.

3. It looks like bloggers at MSNBC were duped into believing a hoax intended to make Sara Palin look stupid. Gee, how could that happen to a the same bastion of journalistic probity that employs Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Rachel Maddow.

4. The pregnant "man" who gave birth a while back, is reportedly pregnant again. Gee, acting sexually irresponsibly, that person might just be a man after all.

That's all for now, and until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

News of the Earth!

Greetings puny Earthlings, just a few thoughts....

-Some folks are accusing the Chinese of pawning off underage gymnasts in the Beijing Olympics. I know I got suspicious when a foetus won gold on the balance beam.

-Canada is getting a porn channel that promises a minimum of 50% Canadian content. It's not much different than American porn, it just takes longer for them to undress. With all them layers of woollens and all.

-Russia started marching through Georgia this week. When asked for comment Barack Obama said that it was proof that George W. Bush didn't care about black people living in Atlanta.

- Hunters claim to have a dead Bigfoot. I suspect that they just shot Xran's cousin Zrod. He's gonna be pissed.

That's all for now, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

NEWS OF THE EARTH: KARL ROVE EDITION

Greetings puny Earthlings, time for another look the NEWS OF THE EARTH!

1. Senator Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor this week. I'm not going to make a joke about his condition, even though we've had our differences, that would be terribly crass, but I will pass along this message: Hillary, I know he's voting for Obama, but take the damn pin out of the voodoo doll already!

2. Boy band bundler Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for defrauding investors of over $300 million. His defense: Karl Rove made him do it.

3. Canada has angered leftists by beginning to deport deserters back to the United States, showing that if you don't want to be in the Army, you don't join the army in the first place.

4. A Democratic congresswoman and Hillary superdelegate is reported to have walked away from the mortgage on her California home. When asked why she did it, her answer was: Karl Rove made me do it.

5. Despite quadrupling in population, Polar Bears have been declared an endangered species. There's no punchline because the environment service it the joke now.

6. Cobra Commander is out of rehab and re-entering the race. The media has backed down on questioning him on the puppy kicking incident because he now says that Karl Rove did it.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

News of the Earth: Matters of Race...

Hi Earthlings.

TekTak here, filling for Remulak MoxArgon who is in Los Angeles today.

After the spike in visits to see Xran's piece about the Mark Steyn / Maclean's Magazing HRC controversy Xran got all big headed and joined Mike Huckabee as a client of the Creative Artists Agency in Hollywood so they could renegotiate his contract.

I wish them luck, the last time someone tried to renegotiate a contract midway through, a planet exploded. I'm not accusing anyone of specifically blowing the planet up, I'm just saying that it happened.

But anyway I'm here to talk about the news, so let's get started while you still have a planet.

1. Police officers charged in the death of Sean Bell were acquitted of murder charges. In response Al Sharpton declared that he was going to "shut down the city." Well, I don't know the details of the case, but I can tell you that the moment the Bell's family let Sharpton into their lives, an acquittal was guaranteed.

Sharpton's mere presence on one side of any case is pretty much a declaration that the side he's involved with is going to forgo facts and evidence for racially charged invective and threats. Bringing in Sharpton on your side is practically an admission of fault, and if you want to avoid that, you should spurn Sharpton like you would spurn a rabid weasel.

2. Whoopi Goldberg declared that View co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck's desire to judge a candidate by qualification over race or gender was a "very white attitude." Doesn't anyone see that Whoopi managed to insult both whites and blacks with this?

Then let me explain. Basically Whoopi insulted whites, by declaring that their attitude is somehow wrongheaded because of their skin colour. But she also insulted African-Americans by saying that they aren't capable of considering qualifications, competence, or integrity when it comes to voting, if that person has the correct skin colour. While some wags might use that to explain the political career of Ray Nagin, it's patronizing, and insulting to African Americans.

3. Obama's sort-of ex-pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright made a speech to the National Press Club, after speaking to the NAACP and an interview that bordered on fellatio with Bill Moyers. While some in the media are declaring that all is forgiven and that we should "move on" but I don't think so. Obama's 20 year relationship with the race-baiting conspiracy spewing Wright and his subsequent spurning when it became inconvenient shows both a lack of judgement, and moral fibre on the part of Barack Obama.

It reveals that he only joined Wright's church because it was politically convenient for him, not out of any deep belief, and the fact that he joined such an openly racist church shows a serious lack of thought in anything beyond his own short-term ambitions.

Anyway, I hope you Earthlings learn get past all this racial stuff, because as my colleague Snotglob likes to say: "Earthlings all taste the same to me."

Keep watching the skies folks.

News of the Earth: Cosmic Edition

Hello Earthlings. TekTak here with another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

1. Cosmologist, physicist, and all around dude Stephen Hawking said that life on other planets is probable, but intelligent life is rare. Tell me about it, we have yet to find any on Earth.

2. Hillary Clinton declared that if Iran nuked Israel, she, as president would "totally obliterate them." Since she is a Democrat, I'm sure she thinks "obliterate" mean send them a strongly worded letter saying that their actions weren't exactly nice.

3. The Washinton Post recently ran a story that claimed that John McCain's temper disqualifies him from the presidency. When asked to comment on the story McCain yelled: "Aaaarrgh! McCain SMASH!!"

That's all for now, keep watching the skies and all that.

NEWS OF THE EARTH #17: Grade Primary Edition

Hello Earthlings!

Varos Quasar here, and even though I'm a liberal I'm allowed to do a News of the Earth!

So here we go!

DATELINE: WASHINGTON D.C.: Hillary Clinton got angry and an MSNBC anchor was suspended for saying that Hillary was "pimping out" her daughter Chelsea with her constant campaigning. This goes to show what a fascist organisation MSNBC is. They are only supposed to use such slanderous language against the children of REPUBLICANS. Bastard!

DATELINE: TOLEDO, OHIO: The mayor of Toledo finally did the right thing and kicked the US Marines out of his city for the crime of daring to train in techniques for protecting the city. Mayor Carty Finkbeiner, you are an American hero, not like those cowards at Berkeley who are folding faster than Zendar the Swift making his bed, just because the federal government wants silly laws enforced. FIGHT THE POWER FINKBEINER!

Mayor Carty Finkbeiner
Toledo's Greatest Military Hero!

NEWS OF THE EARTH #16

Hi folks, Xran here, filling in for Remulak who is currently on Mars looking for his pet Squinker. The little scamp is always getting into trouble, and Squinker does it too.

Anyway, let's get this ball rolling.



DATELINE- SOUTH CAROLINA- Former Senator/ Actor/Lawyer and current GOP candidate Fred Thompson is now a former candidate because he's dropped out of the race. This leave IMAO with a big hole in their material.

DATELINE- FLORIDA- Former Arkansas clemency dispenser Mike Huckabee is suffering a cash crunch that's effecting his ability to run in Florida. You know what that means, there'll be a handout from a Soros cut-out group coming.

DATELINE- NEW YORK- After reports of the untimely death of actor Heath Ledger come reports that the walking tumour known as Rev. Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church will be protesting at his funeral. Methinks Phelps doth protesteth too mucheth. For some reason I'm getting visions of Phelps & Co. getting jumped by a horde of angry Batman fanboys in full Joker outfits. Seem rather fitting...

DATELINE- WASHINGTON- Once again the blogosphere are all over a media screw-up like stink on a Targellian Dewlapper. This time it's the DisAssociated Press for printing a press release by George Soros backed groups repeating the 'Bush Lied People Died' meme. The same media that doesn't see a major story in a billionaire with a shady history manipulating American politics, bias perhaps?

DATELINE- NEW YORK- There's a mystery around the discovery of guns & a small pipe-bomb factory in the apartment of a Columbia University professor. Now I don't know if I should be more worried if I were an Earthling, but this professor's speciality was studying the spread of deadly diseases. Lovely.

That's all for now, keep watching the skies...yadda, yadda, yadda....

NEWS OF THE EARTH #15: The Clemency Edition

Hi Earthlings.

Your pal TekTak here with another edition of...

NEWS OF THE EARTH!

DATELINE- NEW ORLEANS: Once again the city has revealed its true nature by presenting over 3 QUADRILLION DOLLARS worth of claims for damage done by Hurricane Katrina. That's right, one little city in a swamp known pretty much as a place to get drunk and get murdered, claims to be worth more than the rest of the planet combined. I'd make a joke, but the city's already a tragic joke.

DATELINE- LONDON: It turns out that the Lancet study that claimed over 650,000 civilian deaths in the Iraq War was co-funded by George Soros. Gee, a pro-terror/anti-American propaganda piece being funded by the same hedge fund billionaire who is the main-money-man for the Democratic Party, who'd have thunk it? Is it just me, or is anyone else wondering why everything that's anti-American seems to lead back to a single rich businessman?

And onto other business: MoxArgon has a real hate-on for Mike Huckabee, and wants you to submit 'Amazing Mike Huckabee Facts' here. And here's a video (h/t Rottweiller) to get you riled up.

And while you're surfing check out our friend Furious D's pop-culture blog. The most recent posts are about 'Anger Management' and the 'High Cost of Filmmaking.' Interesting stuff for people interested in what's really going on in Hollywood.

NEWS OF THE EARTH #14: Grade Primary Edition

Howdy Earthlings. Your old buddy Xran here with another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

DATELINE- NEW HAMPSHIRE: Hillary Clinton bounced back from her embarrassing defeat with a close win in New Hampshire. What made Hillary win wasn't her carefully rehearsed tears at a press event, but because New Hampshire's only black voter was voting for McCain.

DATELINE- PERSIAN GULF: Armed Iranian Navy speed boats were aggressive and provocative toward a squadron of American ships. Which means one thing. The Iranians mistook the Iowa primary for Obama being elected president.

DATELINE- PARIS, FRANCE: The nation is in a tizzy over their President's desire to marry Italian model Carla Bruni. Leaving many to wonder who will be his mistress?

Plus it gives me a cheap excuse for cheesecake.

Damn, I'm just awful.

Well, keep watching the skies because we're watching her...

NEWS OF THE EARTH #13: The Crazy Edition

Hello Earthlings.

Tektak F. Mechanoid here with NEWS OF THE EARTH!

Let's get rolling!

DATELINE: NEW HAMPSHIRE: A hostage situation at a Hillary Clinton campaign office ended peacefully last week. Police were initially slow to respond though because when they heard that a man with a history of erratic and crazy behaviour was in the Clinton office, they just thought John Murtha had come for a visit.

DATELINE: NEW HAMPSHIRE: In related Clinton news, Hillary's husband Bill Clinton complained the media wasn't paying enough attention to her record. The media was confused, since that was what the Clinton campaign wanted them to do in the first place.
DATELINE: IOWA: It looks like Hillary's operatives attempt to attack Obama via his kindergarten and elementary school work has backfired, revealing her to be petty and treacherous. Which by the way is her real record.

DATELINE: LONDON: Gillian Gibbons, the teacher who was arrested, jailed and threatened with death for allowing children to name a Teddy Bear Mohammed is back in England. It reminds me a beloved song from my childhood as a little cyborg...

If you go into Sudan today
Your heart will fill with dread
If you go into Sudan today
You might just lose your head

Because on the sands
With blood on their hands
Every nut that ever was
Will be there because
Today's the day the Teddy Bears
Have their Jihad!


DATELINE: WASHINGTON: The most recent National Intelligence Estimate shocked the world when it contradicted common belief by declaring that Iran ended their Atomic bomb program in 2003. Judging by the past performance of other NIEs, this can only mean one thing. IRAN IS DEVELOPING NUCLEAR WEAPONS!

DATELINE: CARACAS: Hugo Chavez was stung by losing referendums that would have made him absolute dictator for life. Yet another case where celebrity endorsement only work to prove that celebrities should lose their right to endorse.

That's all for now, keep watching the skies and all that...

News of the Earth #12: The Sterile Edition

Howdy Earthlings!

It's your buddy Xran here with another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

Let's get the ball rolling!

DATELINE- ENGLAND: A British woman caused a bit of a stir when she said that she had an abortion and was sterilized because baby's little feet leave too big a carbon footprint. This is the next step in the de-evolution of the green movement, which used to be about 'saving the Earth for future generations' to 'killing future generations to save the Earth.'

Congratulations Al Gore, your Church of Gaia is now officially a suicide cult.

I'm willing to bet Rigellian Dolpaks to donuts that Al Gore is currently lobbying the Democrats in congress for a bill to force people to buy millions of his bogus carbon offsets or face sterilization or state mandated abortion.

It's the ultimate money maker.

DATELINE- CANTERBURY ENGLAND: The Archbishop of Canterbury said the USA is worse than Britain in its imperialist heyday. This statement, to a Muslim magazine achieved 2 things. It exposed the Archbishop's complete ignorance of history, and it won the Archbishop one day when a Muslim isn't plotting to cut his throat.

DATELINE- CALIFORNIA: Malibu is burning again. Which says something about building multi-million dollar homes on top of tinder dry brush-wood.

DATELINE- ANNAPOLIS MARYLAND: Syria says that they will attend the Annapolis Middle East peace summit. They give their reason as free food, and loads of aid for signing a treaty they have no intention of honouring.

NEWS OF THE EARTH #11: Slow News Week Edition

Hello Mr. & Mrs. Blogosphere and all her blogs in Cyberspace.

Vox Poplar here, let's go to press.



DATELINE- WASHINGTON: Hillary Clinton made a bold stand for feminism after her rivals for the Democratic Presidential nomination ganged up on her at an MSNBC debate. She told them to stop picking on her because she's a girl, or she'd cry. She also demanded $80 million in campaign contributions or she'd cry. When I asked her biggest contributor about this, the Communist Party of Red China said "No comment."

DATELINE- IRAQ: Casualties and violence continue to decline rapidly in Iraq. In the spirit of the mainstream media, I will now ignore it and report on the antics of Britney Spears as if it mattered.

DATELINE- HOLLYWOOD: The Teamsters announced that they will not work during the Hollywood writer's strike. No one in Hollywood noticed.

NEWS OF THE EARTH: INCOVENIENT TRUTH EDITION

Greetings fellow Earthlings.

Vox Poplar here, turns out I happen to be immune to Remulak's alien flu thing due to my chronic elevated blood alcohol level. So I can post without the risk of all the mucus that Remulak's producing. (And since you know the size of his head, you can imagine the size of his sinuses.)

Anyway... It's time for me to give you another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

DATELINE: ENGLAND: A British court has declared eleven fundamental falsehoods in Al Gore's film An Inconvenient Truth. Here's a summary (HT-Newsbusters)

1. The film claims that melting snows on Mount Kilimanjaro evidence global warming. The Government's expert was forced to concede that this is not correct.
2. The film suggests that evidence from ice cores proves that rising CO2 causes temperature increases over 650,000 years. The Court found that the film was misleading: over that period the rises in CO2 lagged behind the temperature rises by 800-2000 years.
3. The film uses emotive images of Hurricane Katrina and suggests that this has been caused by global warming. The Government's expert had to accept that it was "not possible" to attribute one-off events to global warming.
4. The film shows the drying up of Lake Chad and claims that this was caused by global warming. The Government's expert had to accept that this was not the case.
5. The film claims that a study showed that polar bears had drowned due to disappearing arctic ice. It turned out that Mr Gore had misread the study: in fact four polar bears drowned and this was because of a particularly violent storm.
6. The film threatens that global warming could stop the Gulf Stream throwing Europe into an ice age: the Claimant's evidence was that this was a scientific impossibility.
7. The film blames global warming for species losses including coral reef bleaching. The Government could not find any evidence to support this claim.
8. The film suggests that the Greenland ice covering could melt causing sea levels to rise dangerously. The evidence is that Greenland will not melt for millennia.
9. The film suggests that the Antarctic ice covering is melting, the evidence was that it is in fact increasing.
10. The film suggests that sea levels could rise by 7m causing the displacement of millions of people. In fact the evidence is that sea levels are expected to rise by about 40cm over the next hundred years and that there is no such threat of massive migration.
11. The film claims that rising sea levels has caused the evacuation of certain Pacific islands to New Zealand. The Government are unable to substantiate this and the Court observed that this appears to be a false claim.

Now there's a lot of talk about Al Gore winning the Nobel Peace Prize for his 'do as I say/not as I do' campaign against the weather. But in order to cement his place alongside such moral luminaries as Yassir "Kill The Joos" Arafat or Jimmy "Blame the Joos" Carter, Gore will have to find some way to blame Climate Change on Israel.

DATELINE: WASHINGTON: Senator Hillary Clinton came out and declared that she was one of the founders of leftist smear group Media Matters for America. Now one may wonder why Hillary would want to take credit for creating a group that poses as a non-profit but is nothing more than a partisan slander squad...

Oh, yeah, she raised over $27 million from the Democratic Party's true base, leftist America hating billionaires, Chinese money launderers, and the people who love them.

That's all for now, if you have any questions that only the greatest minds in the Universe can answer CLICK HERE and leave a question. We'll be answering them next week.

Xran's Update!

Hi Earthlings.

Xran here, and I have to say that things are still a little hectic around here. Remulak's kids are going back to school, Android CAI-7 is getting lubed, Vox says he's doing something 'literary' but he's really just writing letters to Penthouse again, Varos is getting a butt-lift, which is funny because his species does not have butts, Snotglob's being Snotglob, and TekTak's filming a25th anniversary reunion special for the cast of Family Units.

At least, the ones that are out of jail will be reuniting...

Anyhoo, Remulak asked me to do one of those NEWS OF THE EARTH thingees to fill space while everyone's running around like Targellian snorkelwaggers. I just find that whole scene a little boring, I did just do one a few days ago, and I am an investigative journalist, so I'm doing my own thing and calling it XRAN'S UPDATE!

Because I'm feeling bitchy.

Speaking of bitchy....

LEONA HELMSLEY died, and left 12 million Earth dollars to her dog. Yes, I said dog, as in four legs, fur, and a tendency to poop in public. Which also describes my cousin Xpar, but we don't talk about him. She also disinherited two grandchildren. Lovely.

Remulak told me that he thinks the dog was the only creature the lovely Leona ever treated like a human being, he also said something about the dog not being the only bitch in the family, but that was a bit harsh.

I know it's bad karma to speak ill of the dead, but what about the karma of someone who doesn't give the living much of a choice?

HILLARY'S FAVE MONEY-MAN NORMAN HSU is not only funneling money to her campaign through rather shady means. He's also a wanted fugitive over a swindling case. Apparently the LAPD has been looking for him for the past few years, when all they had to do was buy a ticket to a Democratic Party fundraiser. Of course the LAPD doesn't have the money in its budget to afford the tickets for two cops to arrest him. You gotta have the big bucks to see Hillary.

New Hillary campaign slogans:

Vote for me, I have lousy taste in men!

Vote Clinton, this time all the scandals will be about money!

Vote Clinton, because all that illegal campaign money can't be wrong!

Her staff says she's going to give it all away to charity. If you'd like to match her donations, here's a list of the charities she's giving the dirty, sexy, money too:

1. The Bubba C Foundation
2. The Hamptons 4 Hillary Charitable Trust
3. Hillary House, a home for constantly embarrassed former first ladies (Democrats only)
4. The Hush Money Slush Fund

She just keeps giving, and not to charity, but to humour bloggers.

But things are looking up, she just got an endorsement from...

FIDEL CASTRO!

That's right, Hollywood's favourite homophobic, free-speech suppressing, political opponent executing dictator said that a Hillary/Obama ticket would be unbeatable. He should know since he's stood in sooo many real elections...

Oh wait, he hasn't.

Anyhoo. He made this pronouncement by moving Madame Opal's Ouija board pointer to spell out their names and then rapped on the table 3 times to signal his endorsement.

Hillary responded by saying that she was flattered by being endorsed by someone as good as crushing his enemies as Castro, but preferred a big whopping pile of cash.

ENVIRONMENTALIST PATRICK MOORE royally pimp-slapped Hollywood pretty boy Leonardo DiCaprio's enviro screed where he, Deepak Chopra, and that guy with the beard tell us how you've doomed your planet.

You Earthlings are lucky, at least the trees on your planet don't fight back like they do on mine. Christmas is a dangerous time with them in the house.

Anyhoo, time to go.

So remember to have fun, because you never know if tomorrow will bring a homicidal horde of android troopers to your door.

News of the Earth #10: Lazy Day Edition

Greetings puny Earthlings. No group post today, most of the guys are spending some time with their families and mistresses before getting the little rug-rats packed off to school, or at least that's their excuse, and I'm feeling lazy.

So here's another NEWS OF THE EARTH!

MICHAEL VICK held his first news conference since pleading guilty to federal charges over his dog fighting ring. He said he was sorry and that he found Jesus. Jesus, like all of Vick's acquaintances, turned states evidence and declared that he was only sorry he was caught.

ATTORNEY GENERAL GONZALES RESIGNED but Congressional Democrats declared that they will keep up with their investigations of everything Gonzalez ever did since the first grade and he put a frog in Lucy Johnson's Gomer Pyle lunch-box. Thank God for that, if they didn't keep the subpoenas flying they might actually do something constructive.

IT WOULDN'T BE AN ELECTION without a CLINTON MONEY SCANDAL in the offing. It seems people are amazingly able to give more to Hillary's campaign than they can afford, and it all goes back to an old fundraising buddy of the Clintons. Phew, I was starting to get worried that she was getting off her game, but she still managed to pull it off.

SENATOR LARRY CRAIG (R-The Closet') declared to the planet Earth that he is not gay after being busted for lewd behaviour in an airport washroom. I don't see any reason for him to be happy after being publicly humiliated by being arrested in a freaking washroom....

... Oh, he's not happy kind of gay he's homosexual kind of gay.

Oops.

I don't care if anyone's a homosexual, heterosexual, or trysexual, as long as their behaviour involves strictly consenting adults, but being busted trolling for tail in a freaking public bathroom is the sort of thing a washed up celebrity would do to get in a gossip rag, not a Senator, or anyone with an actual job. Sweet mother of monkeys, doesn't Washington have some sort of discreet service to handle that kind of thing?

And when he got busted, he tried to bully his way out of the charge by swinging his Senatorial schlong around, thus making it an even bigger story.

That transcends simple stupid into complete and total idiocy.

He should be tossed out of the Senate, and out of the Republican Party, not for being gay, but for thinking through his zipper and acting like a Democrat.

That's all for now, as I said, I'm feeling lazy, so keep watching the skies, because we might be watching you...

-----------------------

UPDATE: According to the ABC news coverage that I watched on the hyperwave link-- the 'signal' Senator Craig allegedly gave for homosexual sex was that he tapped his foot when he went into a stall.

He tapped his foot. He didn't say: "Hello sailor, looking for a good time." or "I could really go for some dirty bathroom man on Senator action," or "Wanna see my Washington Monument?" He just tapped his foot, that was 'the signal.'

That makes the whole 'gay' thing a bit on the iffy side now, but it doesn't excuse his attempts to use his Senatorial status to worm out of it, when he should have hired a lawyer, and let them bully the case into oblivion, that's the American way.

The more I hear of the story, the more I think it's a case of an overreacting cop meeting an overreacting Senator.

And another question. Why did the media sit on the story for 3 months?

Was the Senator's recent leftward tack a strategy to get the press on his side.

As Drudge says...

...developing.

News of the Earth #9: Dead & Buried Edition

Greetings all you Earthlings.

It's your pal Xran here with another edition of...

NEWS OF THE EARTH!

FIDEL CASTRO IS DEAD! No really he is this time. This is not another rumour. Okay, it is another rumour, but we're pretty sure he's dead. I mean he's been looking pretty corpse-like lately, so it's only a matter of time. Time Fidel has been borrowing for some time now, and his sub-prime lender is going belly-up. (Now that's good satire)

And in a related (sort of) matter...

THE INTERNET IS DEAD! At least according billionaire loudmouth Mark Cuban. He's got a good source for that, his HDNet Dan Rather got a fax from a Kinko's in Abilene telling him so. You can't do better than that.

Did you catch how they're related? Cuban dictator dead- Mark Cuban says internet is dead... come on, that's really clever!

SENATOR WARNER CALLS FOR PULLOUT! A Senator whose been politically dead for years, John Warner, has found the way to transform himself from weak-willed RINO and professional chair filler for the Senate chamber to a "respected and important member of the GOP." He joins the Democrats in calling for a pull out of Iraq, though he only asks for a few thousand before Christmas. I guess only asking for a partial surrender makes him more conservative than those who ask for total surrender, but not by much.

FREE CARTOON SPEECH IS DEAD! Normally liberal cartoonist Berkely Breathed's comic strip Opus has been censored by several newspaper for the next couple of weeks for fear of drawing the ire of CAIR and their special combo of threats and intimidation that makes them so lovable.

Thats all for today folks!

News of the Earth #8: British Bastard Castration Edition

First a story about nutless Brits...

-The BBC, which can't ban people from its forums for offending Muslims fast enough, took their sweet time deleting a comment that referred to Jesus Christ as a "bastard." The BBC denied that there's a 'double standard' when it comes to allowing any self-proclaimed streetcorner theologian to hurl rude slanders against Christians and Jews while at the same time it directly bans any serious and polite discussion about the state of Islam. Of course there isn't a double standard, Christians and Jews don't normally slit throats or bomb buildings when offended. They just change the channel, which is apparently happening a lot to the BBC these days.

Hell, when British actors are emigrating to work in American TV because the "standards of quality" are higher, the BBC is in real trouble.

And now a story about other British Bastards...

-Apparently a lot of people in Britain are worried about the rise of drunken, violent "yob culture" which is causing a massive spike in violent crime in the UK.

Well here's a solution from back in the days when the BBC had a pair...

-----------------------

UPDATE: In keeping with it's dhimmi traditions, the BBC medical drama CASUALTY, dropped a storyline about Islamic Extremist setting off a bomb, for fear of offending Muslims with something called REALITY.