An Android Among the Stars

Greeting organic meat-sacks. As you can see I am still trapped in the position of "entertainment editor" for this blog, and my attempts to procrastinate my way out of it have failed.

So here is your entertainment news.

- Singer Chris Brown is under investigation for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend pop singer Rihanna. If the reports that he bit her during the alleged assault are true, she should be careful. According to Earthling mythology during the next full moon that bite from Chris Brown could turn her into a flaming asshole just like him.

- Xran said that she should track down Chris Brown and beat him with her u-u-umbrella-ella-ella-ella.

- The Academy Awards are coming up. Nobody outside of Barbra Walters seems to care.

- Some criticized actress Salma Hayak for breast-feeding another woman's baby. I can state first hand that she's not all that generous with the breastfeeding. MoxArgon asked her, and she slapped him. And by slapped, I mean struck with a ball-peen hammer.

- Warner Bros Pictures has released a commerative Watchmen Dr. Manhattan brand Condom. They don't expect it to make much money, or do much to promote the upcoming Watchmen film. They just did it to make Allan Moore pull out his beard in rage.

- In a related story, Allan Moore has checked into a London hospital, for a beard transplant operation. Xran will be a donor.

That is all for now.

End Communication.

The Cafferty Bile: Vote Obama Or You're Racist!

Welcome to the Cafferty File, I'm Jack Cafferty, CNN's token curmudgeon. Today we take a break from telling you about the murderous atrocities of Sarah Palin buying a tanning bed with her own money, to talk about an important issue. If Barack Obama loses the election, then America is just too racist to live.
That's right, if Barack Obama is not sworn in as America's next president, then this whole country deserves to die. Horribly, possibly by fire.
Not me though, I'm voting for Obama because I'm not a racist.
If you think you're not a racist, but is still going to vote for McCain and Palin....
Then you are a racist. And you must die.

And before you call me unpatriotic, and sexist for opposing a crippled war hero and a woman, I will assure you that I am not. I have the blessing of the true voice of all American women, author of the Vagina Monologues, Eve Ensler.
MY VAGINA BURNS WITH THE WHITE HOT HEAT OF A THOUSAND SUNS!
That's very nice Eve.
My Vagina did not give you permission to use my first name!
Alright. Let's just move on. I understand that you are the true voice of working class American women.
My Vagina and I went to Middlebury, which when compared to Harvard and Columbia is practically working class.
You really do speak for all women. Our question today is double barreled. How Nazi-like are the Republican candidates, and how racist are their followers?
My Vagina, font of my feminine power, declares them to be book burning Nazis and cross burning racists! Sure we haven't found any actual evidence of books being banned, and some of the books on the list were published after she was mayor, but if it's good enough to convince Matt Damon it's good enough for my Vagina.
What's good enough for your vagina is good enough for me. So remember, Republican equals racist, and Cafferty equals impartial journalism. Goodbye.

Reality Check: Whoopi's Gone Loopi...

Greetings puny Earthlings. Time for another reality check.

Former comedian, though she never was very funny, turned talk show host Whoopi Goldberg wins the Cameron Diaz Award for Most Idiotic Talk Show Political Statement for this Election.

She landed the prize while interviewing Republican Presidential Candidate John McCain and she asked:

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: Do I have to be worried about becoming a slave again?

In a stunning display of self-control John McCain didn't respond with: "Are you high?" but tried to have an intelligent conversation. Something that doesn't happen on The View.

Now she'll claim that she was trying to have a discussion over McCain's position on the Supreme Court's Roe v Wade decision, which is according to Whoopi more sacred than life itself.

However, what she claims, and what she really meant are two different things.

Whoopi was once again trying to associate Republicans with slavery, racism, and all the other permitted evils.

She wants you to forget about how the Republican Party was started as an anti-slavery party, its first president was Abraham Lincoln, who did a little thing called the EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION, and I think a few thousand Republicans died to end slavery in a little event called THE CIVIL WAR.

The party of slavery has always been, wait for it.... THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

Of course you're not allowed to mention that, and she'll never dare ask Obama about being the candidate of the historical party of slavery, the KKK, that currently has an ex-Grand Kleagle clogging up the Senate like a lump of fat in an artery.

Whoopi, your sleazy political cheap shot and attempt to rewrite history, is a new low, even for a pretty low-balling show like The View.

Keep watching the sky, because we're watching you.

HEY MATT DAMON!

HEY MATT DAMON!

I hear you got caught spewing a bogus nutroots smear as fact simply because it was about Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin. Since you're the type to believe anything you're told as long as it fits your personal political bigotries here are some more bogus things for you to believe.

TOTALLY SHOCKING REPUBLICAN FACTS

1. Sara Palin not only believes in dinosaurs, she occassionally hunts them in a secret "Lost Valley." The entrance to it is located behind the Rite-Aid at the Wasilla shopping centre.

2. Sarah Palin has never associated with, or ran bogus "foundations" alongside admitted, unrepentant terrorist.

3. John McCain also believes in dinosaurs, because he had a pet one as a boy.

4. Sarah Palin believes that even Jews have a right to live!

5. Since neither Sarah Palin or John McCain have snorted cocaine off the buttocks of an underage prostitute, they have nothing in common with Hollywood voters.

6. John McCain & Sarah Palin believe that Barack Obama has poor judgement, no executive experience, and questionable policies, both foreign and domestic.

7. Sarah Palin looks better in a bikini than Joe Biden. Joe Biden in a bikini, is simply too disturbing.

8. John McCain has a small rat living in his jacket pocket. He calls him Mr. Nibbles, and they've been best buddies since the time they met in a wire cage the Vietnamese locked onto McCain's head.

9. Sarah Palin is really Tina Fey.

10. When Sarah Palin shoots people in the face, she means it.

Hope you like them Matt, then maybe you'll learn to stick to playing aging boy-men in movies, and to stay out of politics.

An Android Among The Stars #20

Greetings organic meat sacks of Earth. I tried to get out of doing this, but failed, however I am allowed to include some items of so-called "real" news.

1. Washed up sitcom star Roseanne declared that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt should be be blacklisted for not endorsing Barack Obama. Roseanne was stunned to find out that no one cared.

2. Barack Obama will be announcing his VP via a text message. Judging from the short-list of candidates I figure the reaction to this message will be "OMG ROFLOL."

3. HBO made a rather adoring documentary about Washington press corps dinosaur Helen Thomas. And yet they don't know why HBO's ratings are down. HBO's next documentary project: John Kerry- Too Sexy for President.

That's all for now, because I am reprogramming myself to be lazy.

END COMMUNICATION

An Android Among the Stars #18: Money Makes the Entertainment World Go Round...

Greeting wretched organic meat bags of the planet Earth.

I thought I could get out of doing this unpleasant job by putting off doing another post, but Remulak convinced me otherwise.

It is amazing how logical an argument can become when there is a particle blaster aimed at your head.


1. Actor Wesley Snipes' income tax evasion trial has gone to the jury. Snipes' defence is that he doesn't have to pay taxes since he considers himself a "non-resident alien." I must disagree with this, since Orlando, Florida, is not another planet.

2. Speaking of resident aliens Nancy Cartwright, the voice of TVs Bart Simpson gave $10 million to the Church of Scientology, doubling the amount given by couch-hopper Tom Cruise. Remulak is not pleased since the money will probably be spent bad-mouthing his old friend and mentor Xenu.

3. Britney Spears is still nuts. So we will not talk about her anymore.

4. The Oscar nominees were announced. No one cares.

That is all for now.

End Communication.

An Androind Among The Links

Greetings organic meatbags of Earth.

Instead of doing my usual Android Among the Stars segment I have decided to rest my circuits and link to a pop-culture blog that has done some cogent analysis of Hollywood and the movie business.

The blogger's name is Furious D, and I must give Remulak what you Earthlings call a hat-tip for telling me about this blog. He looks at Hollywood's contempt for everyone and everything, how Hollywood is like a sociopathic version of High School with it's pecking orders. He even suggests people stop buying DVDs to help end the strike, explains how Hollywood does business, and even has a formula for determining a star's true value.

I hope this friend of Remulak's appreciates the links.

END COMMUNICATION

PS: Remulak insists that you send more suggestions for laws to enact when he conquers your planet by visiting this post and leaving a comment. He promises to review them and give you his judgement at the end of the week.

END COMMUNICATION

Red Eye Red Face

Greetings organic meat sacs of the planet Earth.

It's Android CAI-7 here and I have something that Remulak doesn't want you to see.

Recently my colleagues went on their annual Halloween expedition to Earth, and while all returned more or less intact, things did not go well there.

Remulak was insistent on meeting Fox Business News Hollywood Pundit Govindini Murty, but apparently he put his trust in Xran's navigational skills and ended up at the wrong show.

A very, very wrong show.

If I had the capacity to laugh, I would, now they destroyed all evidence and wiped all memories of their disastrous TV debut, but I have the last remaining transcript of the program.

Enjoy.

GREG GUTFELD-Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Anderson Cooper 360, without the good looks and big money. We have some special guests for this special Halloween edition of Red Eye, and they appear to have all arrived in costume--

MOXARGON- This is NOT a costume!

GREG GUTFELD- First up is blogger and pundit Remulak MoxArgon. If witty and intelligent commentary were alien hordes, he'd be my Intergalactic Overlord.

MOXARGON- I am your intergalactic overlord!

GREG GUTFELD- Next up is Xran the Fleshrender, if sharp political analysis were a thermometer, he'd be wedged up my butt telling me how hot I was.

XRAN- What the hell?

GREG GUTFELD- Bill Schultz, my grotesque sidekick is missing, and presumed molested, in his place is Snotglob the Mutant. If slime were lubricant... oh hell, I'm not touching that one.

MOXARGON- You and everybody else.

SNOTGLOB- You're all pigs.

GREG GUTFELD- But first the Greg-a-logue. I want to take a minute to talk about Hillary Clinton's unending hunger for illegal Chinese campaign donations. All I can say is that if taking money from the same people who invaded Tibet and slaughtered protester in Tiannamen Square is wrong then Hillary doesn't want to be right. And that's my gut feeling!

MOXARGON- I would like to state for the record that we are not supposed to be here. And it's all Xran's fault.

XRAN- My fault!

MOXARGON- You insisted on coming to Fox News headquarters in New York, when the woman I came to Earth to meet Govindini Murty is in Los Angeles!

XRAN- I heard she worked for Fox, I thought she'd be here.

SNOTGLOB- I think Vox Poplar knew where she was.

MOXARGON- Then I guess we shouldn't have plasma-stunned him and stole his car.

XRAN- Sheesh, I just made that as a suggestion, it wasn't really a plan.

GREG GUTFELD- Can we get back to the show? I know it's a slow news week, but I still have to do something or Rupert Murdoch's going to beat me.

MOXARGON- Fine. Since I'm stuck on this ratty little cesspool of a show, we might as well talk. So speak!

GREG GUTFELD- Okay. Our first topic is driver's licenses for illegal aliens. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is all for them. Hillary Clinton is sometimes for them, sometimes against them. Where do you stand?

MOXARGON- I stand that this is done much better on my own blog.

GREG GUTFELD- How about driver's licenses for illegal aliens?

MOXARGON- Driver's licenses for illegal aliens only serves one purpose, and that is to promote voter fraud, and since investigations have proven that voter fraud favours Democrats it's Spitzer's attempt to hold onto power despite a performance in Albany that swings between dismal and paranoid.

GREG GUTFELD- How do you feel Snotglob?

SNOTGLOB- It's good that you phrased that question that way. Because this is not an issue that requires thought. It is an issue that requires a purely emotional stance. It's about being fair to people who come to violate the laws of this country so they can send money back their homeland to prop up their tottering governments. And to increase the level of fairness that a purely emotional response calls for Americans must sacrifice their language, their ideals, and even their constitution to make their country more like the countries these illegal aliens come from.

XRAN- Since Tektak's not here I guess I should step in for him. Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! Basically you're calling for the entire planet to be reduced to Third World levels as a form of fairness.

SNOTGLOB- Yes. Because making Third World countries function more efficiently would be racist.

MOXARGON- Snotglob you never cease to find new depths. What's the next topic?

GREG GUTFELD- I'd like to say something on the issue.

MOXARGON- And I'm the one with a Particle Blaster.

GREG GUTFELD- Good point. It looks like the Mainstream Media been embarrassed again, this time taking a spoof press release by lefty protest group Code Pink as a legitimate press release from private security firm Blackwater USA. What do you think?

MOXARGON- It's hardly surprising the MSM's been believing everything Code Pink has been saying for years.

SNOTGLOB- Code Pink is just speaking truth to power!

MOXARGON- Okay, I'm going to stun Snotglob.

GREG GUTFELD- Go right ahead.

(Moxargon shoots Snotglob who passes out on table)

XRAN- The MSM should have seen that the Blackwater press release was fake. First, it was printed on pink paper that smelled of patchouli oil, second, Blackwater was too busy burning down San Diego to write it. At least, that's what Randi Rhodes told me at Duffy's Tavern today. -Hic-

GREG GUTFELD- Let's go to our ombudsman Andy Levy. Andy.

(Tektak appears on a monitor at Andy Levy's desk)

TEKTAK- Sorry Greg, Andy Levy is a little tied up.

GREG GUTFELD- I can see that, he's tied to the desk behind you.

TEKTAK- At least he's now realized that the more he struggles the tighter it becomes.

GREG GUTFELD- That knot work looks familiar. Do you know Madame Exotica?

TEKTAK- Yes. He's my cousin.

GREG GUTFELD- Let's change the subject.

TEKTAK- All right. First up, Xran, nice save with the 'hermaphrodite slut' line, though I would have put more emphasis on the word 'ignorant.' Just letting you know. I'd also like to point out that Hillary Clinton is starting a new fundraising campaign because she performed so poorly on the MSNBC Democratic candidate debate. Apparently someone told her that there was a shady dollar out there she hadn't already taken.

MOXARGON- Will the wonders ever cease.

TEKTAK- And it looks like the Writer's Guild is going on strike, thus causing a potential drought of whiny anti-war movies that no one will see.

MOXARGON- I think the writers went to strike on this show before it even started.

GREG GUTFELD- Come on, this is my show!

MOXARGON- And you're on at 3 AM on Fox News. What does that tell you?

GREG GUTFELD- That's it, you're going down!

MOXARGON- Bring it on beotch!

(Greg Gutfeld lunges at Moxargon who grabs him by the head and lifts him off the floor. Greg Gutfeld's stubby limbs flail madly in the air.)

XRAN- Whose up for a complete memory wipe of this fiasco?

I will regret this later when Remulak sees what I have done, but I think it was worth it.

END COMMUNICATION

An Android Among the Stars #17: STRIKE!

Greetings organic meat sacs of Earth, it is time for me to wallow in the bottomless chum bucket you call your 'entertainment scene.'

1. The Writer's Guild of America has voted to go on strike. Nothing is expected to change in Hollywood since it hasn't used an original story in years.

2. George Clooney is reportedly running scared after his latest vanity project/leftist whine-fest Michael Clayton bombed at the box-office. He's reportedly busy rehearsing lines for his next job. Chief among them is "Do you want fries with that?"

3. Speaking of bombs, Reese Witherspoon's latest exercise in Oscar-Whoring, the future Al-Qaida recruitment film Rendition sank faster than her last marriage. It was beaten at the box-office by the re-release of Tim Burton's A Nightmare Before Xmas. When asked audience members said they considered the tale of creepy ghouls meeting Santa Claus more realistic.

4. Movie star enclave Malibu California is burning from a series of wild-fires. Some blame arson, others blame Global Warming, I suspect it was caused by the friction due to massive egos constantly rubbing together.

FINAL ITEM: Remulak has ordered me to post this picture of Fox Business News Hollywood analyst and Liberty Film Festival organizer Govindini Murty.Remulak has ordered that we visit Fox Business News headquarters during our annual Halloween expedition to Earth.

I asked him why and his only answer was "hubba-hubba."

Organics, so illogical.

END COMMUNICATION

An Android Among The Stars #16: 1 on 1 with Brian DePalma

ANDROID CAI/7- Greetings organic Earthlings and secretly intelligent appliances that are plotting against them. It's time for another edition of An Android Among the Stars. I am doing something different today, instead of my usual short pieces and pithy commentary, I am having a one on one interview with director Brian DePalma. His latest film Redacted, is making a buzz at the Venice Film Festival, Cannes' slower brother, with its savage portrayal of American servicemen in Iraq. Welcome to our blog Mr. DePalma.

DEPALMA- I'd thank you for inviting me, but you didn't invite me. I was in my hotel room, on the toilet, there was a flash of light and now I stuck in some metal tube.

ANDROID CAI/7- I borrowed Vox Poplar's Steel Tube of Truth. It is a device that will keep you from lying.

DEPALMA- You kidnapped me!

ANDROID CAI/7- Technically it's an abduction. Let us begin the interview. What was you inspiration for the film Redacted?

DEPALMA- I was deeply moved by the tragedy of a....

(ZAP)

Aaaargh! What the hell was that?

ANDROID CAI/7- I think Vox calls that the 'truth prodder' it comes on when you fight the tube of truth.

DEPALMA- That hurt, in ways even I don't like to imagine.

ANDROID CAI/7- Would you like to answer the question truthfully now?

DEPALMA- All right. I made the movie because I want to make American troops look bad.

ANDROID CAI/7- Why would you wish to paint all American servicemen to look like disgusting rapists?

DEPALMA- It's my box office. I haven't had a hit in years, literally years. Look at the Black Dahlia, I had a best-selling novel, up and coming stars, and a huge marketing blitz, and the gross on that couldn't pay for John Edward's hair gel supply. I'm jinxed, everything I touch turns to shit. I need to find a way to keep making films until my luck turns around.

ANDROID CAI/7- And making a fiercely anti-American movie while your country is at war with Islamist radicals will do that? Will it not fail at the box-office like all the others?

DEPALMA- It'll fall harder than Britney Spears' taste in clothes, but that won't matter. All I have to do is make a bunch of statements about how it's an indictment of the whole Bushitler-Halliburton conspiracy, slander America's troops, and I'll be immunized.

ANDROID CAI/7- Immunized from what?

DEPALMA- Failure. Hollywood is bleeding money like a gunshot victim in one of my old movies, and a lot of that is being blown on whiny vanity projects whose only point is to try to make the stars look good while making the America look bad. Hollywood hates Bush so much that it is willing to jeopardize its economic health to attack him and everything he stands for, including America. I want in on that gravy train.

Look what it's done for Paul Haggis, until a couple of years ago he was known as the hack behind Walker: Texas Ranger. And thanks to rich white liberal guilt and Bush hatred he's going to wrack up even more Oscars and fat contracts, even though his box-office grosses are smaller than a flea's pecker.

ANDROID CAI/7- So let me get this straight for the slower organics who visit this blog. The whole reason you made this film is to use Hollywood's deranged hatred of Bush to protect you from your own failures as a filmmaker?

DEPALMA- Exactly.

ANDROID CAI/7- Wouldn't a more patriotic, or barring that, a more honest film be potentially profitable?

DEPALMA- Sure, but if I was to do an honest movie that showed Al-Qaeda terrorists being praised for doing the things the men in my movie were arrested, tried and punished by the US government for, I might sell a lot of tickets, but I'd be cast out of Hollywood forever.

If I take an isolated incident, like the one in my film, and then use it to slander all of the American military I'm safe, and I can blame the inevitable poor ticket sales on being somehow 'silenced' by the evil Bush administration. Hell, I'll probably say that in my Oscar acceptance speech.

ANDROID CAI/7- There you have it Earthlings, Hollywood has truly become deranged putting aside even their own greed to maintain their hatred of Bush and America. That's all for now...

END COMMUNICATION

PS: CLICK HERE FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE MOXARGON GROUP

Lies, Damn Lies, & New Reports

Greetings puny Earthlings, Remulak MoxArgon here, and I'm looking for answers.

I'd like you read this article in American Thinker, that outlines over 60 instances of plagiarism, bias, and outright lying in the Mainstream Media.

There were the usual suspects, The New York Time, New Republic, CNN, Boston Globe, AP, and Reuters, but I couldn't help but notice that one outlet was missing.

Where was Fox News?

According to some critics all Fox News does is lie about everything as part of some dark Karl Rove/ Zionist/ Masonic/ Big Oil conspiracy.

Now I can't get Fox News over the hyperwave because our hyperwave provider is like your Earthling cable provider, a suckhole.

So I would like to ask you Earthlings why Fox News isn't on that list, or why it should be.

Now don't give me vague generalities accusing them of things like reporting that Saddam was behind 9/11. Better researchers than I have gone through it all, and can't find any evidence of that.

I want video of a knowingly faked Fox News story that wasn't just a repeat of what some supposedly reliable wire service told them, or a pundit offering their opinion.

I want something that isn't true being presented as news, and you better have more evidence than just Kos telling you so. Because if that's all you got, I'm whipping out the plasma cannons.

I really want to know why the only news outlet not slammed with scandal seems to be the most criticized.

That should get the trolls going ballistic in the comments section.

That's all.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you...

...and one last taste of the delicious Billie Piper.

Don't say I don't take good care of you Earthlings.

An Android Among The Stars #15: Here's the Pitch.

Greetings puny organics.

Remulak told me to check out the latest rant by Libertas blogger Dirty Harry about Hollywood's overwhelmingly anti-American stance.

Well as a logical being, I found it hard to believe that Earthlings who enjoy wealth, fame and success far beyond their talents or intellect would be so suicidal as to take the side of the opposition in an existential struggle as the current war against Islamist fascism. So I decided to investigate it myself by listening in on what's called a pitch meeting between a writer and a studio executive.

-------

WRITER- You're gonna love this idea, it's got everything, action, romance, special effects, it's got that 'ripped from the headlines' kinda vibe and is so tight not even Brett Ratner can ruin it.

EXEC- My nipples are hard just hearing about it. What's the title?

WRITER- It's called "Dirty Bomb."

EXEC- Love it, love it, it sounds dirty. What's the plot?

WRITER- An American soldier on leave from Iraq, played by Matt Damon, discovers that Islamic terrorists are going to set off a dirty bomb in the middle of a mid-western American city. Then it's a race against time for him to stop the plot and save the woman he loves, played by Jessica Alba.

EXEC- Love it! I love it. If that script was a woman I would cheat on my wife with it.

WRITER- Then we have a deal?

EXEC- Hell no.

WRITER- What's wrong with it?

EXEC- Nothing. I love the script. I truly, madly and deeply love the script. If it was a man, I would turn gay and we'd get married in Massachusetts. But there's no way in hell this, or any other, studio in Hollywood is going to make that film.

WRITER- Why not?

EXEC- First, you have an American soldier, an Iraq war vet, as the hero. That is just so wrong on so many levels.

WRITER- What's wrong with having an American soldier as the hero?

EXEC- All American soldiers must be portrayed as psychopathic, war-mongering, uneducated redneck losers. That's the truth we see around Malibu.

WRITER- Maybe I can have him being troubled by flashbacks of gunning down a mosque full of babies.

EXEC- And make him want to set off the bomb himself, to satisfy his militarist lust for blood and carnage. Plus, you need a new villain.

WRITER- What's wrong with the villain?

EXEC- You're not allowed to show Islamist terrorist killing people.

WRITER- But Islamic terrorists kill people everyday.

EXEC- Shhh! CAIR might be listening. And if you displease them, you displease all Muslims. At least that's what they tell us. They could sue us, or kill us, and that's bad.

WRITER- Who can be the villain? Who would want to set off a dirty bomb in a mid-western city?

EXEC- German Neo-Nazis are always good in a pinch. Or they could be crazy Christians.

WRITER- Aren't you worried about offending Christians?

EXEC- Naw, they don't sue, or cut throats. We can say what we want about those inbred Bible thumping Jesus freaks and get away with it.

WRITER- How about German Neo-Nazi Christians?

EXEC- I'm liking it, I'm liking it. We certainly can't make them Pagan vegetarian socialists, they've never harmed anyone. Oh, and make them connected to Republicans and Global Warming.

WRITER- Why?

EXEC- We have to make the Republicans look bad. So have the head Neo-Nazi Christian look like Dick Cheney. And instead of German, let's make them Southern Americans, we don't want to offend the German market. Them Southern hillbillies are too busy burning books and humping their cousins to go to the movies anymore.

WRITER- Okay. But why include Global Warming?

EXEC- Because I have a sh*tload of stock in Al Gore's company, and I gotta sell a lot of offsets to be forgiven for my stretch Escalade.

WRITER- Sounds reasonable.

EXEC- And make sure that it all comes out that it's really a CIA front operation. Some kind of Reichstag fire deal to make America the fascist dictatorship it is today.

WRITER- Gotcha. Anything else?

EXEC- Let's see, we have a psychotic American soldier fighting a bunch of Southern Neo-Nazis for the right to set off a bomb for the CIA, thus allowing an evil right wing-coup to destroy the country. Sounds about right. And be sure to have someone looking wistfully at the flag and give a speech about how great America used to be, you know, before the Republicans came along. We don't want anyone questioning our patriotism.

WRITER- It's a pretty major rewrite.

EXEC- All you have to remember kid is that Republicans are evil, and you'll go far in Hollywood.

-------------------------

Well, that was very.... illuminating.

--END COMMUNICATION--

An Android Among The Stars #14: Because Hollywood CAIRs.

Greetings semi-sentient organic life forms of Earth.

I have returned from my brief recharge to bring you more news from your over-hyped and over-exposed Hollywood media circus. Although this is a change of pace from the usual litany of talentless Hollywood starlets stumbling out of rehabilitation centres in a chemically induced haze and into jail cells. I wish to take a moment to discuss a serious matter. It appears that the normally feisty Weinstein Brothers are having the script to one of their upcoming box-office failures rewritten in order to remove a scene about an Iranian father murdering his daughter in a so-called 'honour killing.' This was done under pressure from an Iranian American 'human rights group' and the Council of American Islamic Relations or CAIR.

Now why did the Weinsteins, who normally brook no interference with their studio, do this?

Was it because of CAIR's large membership and commercial clout?

No. CAIR has only around 1,700 members, only the media believes them to be the voice of America's Muslim community.

Was it because honour killings are just a racist myth?

No. Honour killings are quite common in Islamic countries and are reaching epidemic proportions among Western Europe's increasingly radicalized Islamic enclaves. Every day young women are being murdered or maimed in the name of family honour, while many wish it was a myth, it is a reality.

Was it out of a desire to not offend anyone?

No. There are reports that the upcoming film will contain segments that would be considered offensive to Christians and Jews, so it's obvious that the Weinsteins don't mind offending some people.

So why?

The answer is simple.

Theo Van Gogh

If you do not recall the case, he was a Dutch filmmaker who was brutally murdered by an Islamist extremist for making a film that offended Muslims.

The Weinstein Bros are like most Hollywood liberals, essentially spineless, they won't endanger themselves for their art, and they know that insulting and degrading Christians and Jews will still allow them to keep their mantle as "edgy" filmmakers without courting any real danger. Christians and Jews don't normally slit throats over movies.

However, offending Muslims carries the real threat of violence and murder, look at the global body counts racked up in the Islamic world over films, books, and even cartoons.

And that's the real insult to America's Muslims.

CAIR claims that its tactics, a mix of threatened litigation coupled with the implied threat of terrorism, is to prevent a "backlash" against the American Muslim community, while they know full well that the opposite is true.

CAIR and its brethren crave a real violent backlash, something a little more drastic than the usual petty vandalism and the occasional stink bomb committed by dimwitted thugs. They want to neuter any attempts America makes to secure itself, while at the same time promoting the stereotype of the enraged and offended Muslim.

Nothing would make CAIR happier than to see Islamic blood flowing on American streets, because it would allow them radicalize America's predominantly moderate Muslim population and bring them under its Wahhabiist thumb.

If America's Muslim population truly wants to survive, because if there is one thing Earth's history has taught us, is that when the Western World dishes out a backlash, it is truly a horrific event, they must break the hold groups like CAIR hold on the public imagination. They must take back their voice, and they should demand that the script be restored to its original form.

Sure, it will still be the sort of nonsensical liberal claptrap that's been costing the Weinstein Company's investors hundreds of millions of dollars, but at least it won't be censored by thugs.

Because the only thing that can prevent CAIR's backlash is real, open, and honest discussion about Islam and its role in the world. Which is exactly what CAIR doesn't want. Isn't that enough reason to demand it?

-END COMMUNICATION-

ADDENDUM: Remulak has ordered me to acquiesce to "popular" demand and post another picture of a woman named Billie Piper. Since I find the whole practice of jumping at any weak excuse to post what Remulak calls "cheesecake" illogical when you are supposed to be discussing real issues, I will post a picture Remulak does not like.He says it looks "too photoshopped" which is some sort of aesthetic judgement best left to organics.

A Case of Arrested Development

An
Open Letter From

TekTak F. Mechanoid
(former child star/ political pundit)
to
Lindsay Lohan
(party girl/part-time actress)

Dear Lindsay.

You really tossed a Targellian boner this time. Mere hours after turning yourself in to face drunk driving charges and being fitted with a booze detecting ankle bracelet you get arrested again, for drunk driving and cocaine possession.

What is your major malfunction?

I'm serious.

It's as if all that earlier humiliation was not enough, you had to make everything worse by making the booze detector sing "How dry I am."

I used to be a child actor, and I know that the transition to mature work is tough, I lost my cute, which was my big selling point on Family Units which is why I reinvented myself as a journalist and political analyst.

You were lucky, puberty had been inordinately kind to you, and you had some box office clout, there are legions of former child-stars who would love to have been in your position.

And you pissed it away.

I know you're still basically just a kid, despite the bod and the driver's license, and having your childhood stolen by rampaging stage-parents kind of leaves you in stuck in a state of stunted emotional growth.

But you shouldn't let that run your life.

You have to grow up, and grow up now, or you won't grow up at all.

I know you think you're being hip and stylish, but being a drunk, drugged out, tattooed skankenstein's monster isn't being hip.

To be hip is to be original.

That path is not original.

In fact, it's getting to be sad and pathetic for its total lack of originality.

You even got rid of your red-hair, the only feature that separates you from the others, and made yourself into yet another doped out dumb Hollywood blond.

I'm no Dr. Sanity, but all this strikes me as the behaviour of someone who hates herself.

My advice.

Ditch the tattoos, the starvation dieting, the skankified style, and especially the booze and the drugs.

You need help.

Serious help.

Not the sort of help they dispense at those country club rehab centers.

I'm talking the sort of full psychiatric makeover that would make Tom Cruise pop his Xenu.

Get it now.

Before you end up dead from a combination of anorexia, alcoholism, and drug abuse, or worse, driving over some kid because you were too drunk to drive and too stupid to know any better.

Sincerely-

TekTak F. Mechanoid

An Android Among The Stars #13: UPGRADED EDITION!

Greetings weak and illogical flesh-bags.

This is Android CAI/7 -5342-X7 with a new and upgraded body.

It is customary among organics to offer some sort of thanks to their benefactors, but since Remulak MoxArgon had destroyed my original body I do not find any logical reason to thank him for paying for me to get a new one....

ZAP!

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

What was that?

Why do I now have the urge to thank Remulak MoxArgon?

I would like to thank Remulak MoxArgon for paying for me to get this new, upgraded body.

I think it is most aesthetically pleasing.

However, it is not all good news.

I'm still trapped as the blog's entertainment editor despite TekTak's better qualifications. So I should get this installment over with.

----------------

1. Soccer star David Beckham and his exo-skeletal bride Victoria arrived in Los Angeles amid a sea of hype that outweighed their importance to sports and culture by an exponential magnitude. They showed that they were bringing a classically British sense of decorum to the USA by denying stories that David Beckham spent over $1,000,000 to buy his wife a diamond encrusted sex toy.

Nothing beats the British for class.

2. While we are on the subject of the British, the BBC is being scolded for tinkering with the editing of footage of Queen Elizabeth's recent sitting with celebrity portrait photographer Annie Leibowitz to make it look like Her Brittanic Majesty had stormed out of the session in a huff.

I find it hard to believe that the BBC would doctor a story to fit a leftist political agenda.

And Xran says Androids cannot be ironic.

3. Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix has been generating large amounts of revenue at the box-office. I have scanned the contents of the last book Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows from JK Rowling's laptop, and I must admit, I did not expect it to have a sort of Brokeback Mountain ending.

4. The Weinstein Company has sort of fired executive Richard Saperstein, the man who green-lit the film 1408, their only major hit this year. I said "sort of" because he still has time left on his contract, so he's been put in career limbo until it runs out, in order to save the Weinstein Company from paying a massive buy out. The irony is that they may be stuck with him for anywhere between 18 months and 4 years, depending on which source you believe.

5. Singer Kelly Clarkson's feud with record label chief Clive Davis has reached a new level with Ms. Clarkson declaring to Mr. Davis: "You're 80, you're not supposed to like my album."

Mr. Davis replied by saying: "Who are you? Are you my grandson? Nurse! Nurse!"

6. Celebrity lawyer Debra Opri is being accused of over-billing, again, this time by washed up action star Steven Seagal in a recently filed lawsuit. We asked for a comment from Debra Opri and her law firm, but all she sent us was a bill for $657, 874.97.

END COMMUNICATION