11.14.2007

LAYING DOWN THE LAW

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I've come to realize that my impending invasion and inevitable conquest of your wretched little planet will bring about some major changes to how you live your lives.

To assuage your fears because there will nothing you can to stop my hordes, I thought I'd give you a preview of the sort of laws you will be living under during my reign of terror.

1. Christmas decorations in stores will not be allowed until the day after American Thanksgiving. When I came to visit on Halloween I noticed that some stores already had their Christmas stuff out next to the Halloween stuff. That is so wrong and it will be punishable with either public de-pantsing, or vaporization. What can I say? I'm a dictator and I decide a lot of punishments on whimsy.

2. The following red highlighted terms and phrases will henceforth be banned:
A) "Speaking truth to power." They're not, They're just being annoying.

B) "I question the timing." They're not questioning anything, they're just showing the world how paranoid and delusional they really are.

C) "Brave" "Courageous" or "Heroic" to describe millionaire celebrities who whine about Republicans. They are none of those things because they are not putting themselves in any real physical danger by criticizing Republicans. Now if they criticized Islamofascists and got a death-fatwa for their troubles, then they'd be showing some cojones. But until then, are nothing more than shrill craven cowards.

D) "Carbon Neutral" It's a myth. The only way a humanoid can be 'carbon neutral' if they stopped breathing and were frozen inside a completely sterilized comet that sped away from Earth. Because nothing that lives, rots, or farts, is, or ever will be, carbon neutral, and anyone who claims otherwise is lying for profit or delusional.

E) "Undocumented Alien" An undocumented alien is Xran without the papers that prove he's been vaccinated for distemper. An immigrant who does not have the legal papers that grant them the legal right to be in a certain country will be called 'Illegal aliens.'
Anyone caught using the banned phrases or terms are liable to face punishment by forcible airlock ejection into space. Either that, or a spanking, it all really depends on my mood on that day.

3. Universities will no longer be allowed to be a hot-bed for thuggish one sided political activism. All professors found wanting or interfering with the free speech of students, staff or visiting speakers, will be fired, out of a cannon. That is not dependent on my whimsy or mood.

Now do any of you puny Earthlings have any suggestions for laws that you would like my brutal regime to impose on your miserable little rock of a planet?

8 comments:

Fuloydo said...

What have you got to deal with frivolous lawsuits?

I'm thinking an extra time in the slammer for convicts trying to game the system, assuming they are trying to game the system and it's not a legitimate complaint.

For people not in jail....perhaps having to pay a minimum of 10% of what they were asking for to the people they tried to sue if they lose? Plus another 10% levied against the lawyer who took their case?

Smilin' Joe Fission said...

One out of every 5th person getting a welfare check is to be lined up and shot in the street as an incentive to get off of welfare.

Include WIC with it.


9 out of every 10 liberals taken care of the same way.

RememberSekhmet said...

IQ tests for computer ownership, to be administered by comptetent, experienced tech support.

Public flaying for all losers who try to impersonate veterans. Followed by a lemon-juice bath if above impersonation was done to defame actual troops.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is appointed to head the prison system.

Wyatt Earp said...

Would you consider hood-mounted plasma rifles for slow drivers ahead of you?

Random Walker said...

The name Ron Paul will not be included in any political pool with the exception of the contest for the “Biggest Douche of the Universe”

Gnome Chimpski, Al Gorebot and Michael Mooron can no longer be cited as authorities on any topic (other than how to be a braking moonbat).

Failure to obey above laws will result in the offender being fed to Michael Mooron (if Michael Mooron disobeys he will not be fed).

Anonymous said...

I think you should also sentence spammers, phishers, and malware authors to only being able to use computers that have been rendered unusable because of their own garbage!

-- chicopanther

random walker said...

Hippies will be washed.
Survivors will be washed again,
All we are saying is: “give soap a chance”

Moonbat, traitor saboteurs who drop their babies while protesting will themselves be dropped… from the outer orbit.

Those who demand income redistribution will see their income redistributed.

Damian G. said...

Please, please, for the love of God, make FOX News stop playing crap "news" stories about Britney, O.J. and the latest pretty white girl to go missing.

You've already vaporised Greta Van Susteren for her insolence on the matter; could you please make the rest of the network follow suit?