DOUCHEBAGS OF THE YEAR!

Greetings puny Earthlings!

You calendar says that this is the last day of your year 2010. Well, good for you, you managed to make it another year without blowing yourselves up, but you keep on trying. So let's look at those who took douchebaggery into the next level, I'm talking out our DOUCHEBAGS OF THE YEAR!!

Here they are in no particular odor!

BILLIONAIRES

You gotta love these guys, they make billions of dollars, and then support politicians, and even openly campaign for causes, like higher taxes, to prevent others from joining their happy little club. While they declare that everyone else needs to hand over their income to the government, they get patted on the back as moral paragons for putting some of their mega-fortunes in tax-free charitable foundations.

And while we're on the topic of moral paragons, let's look at the one the media love to back-pat the most, Warren Buffet and his position on the cancer tobacco industry:

"I’ll tell you why I like the cigarette business. It costs a penny to make. Sell it for a dollar. It’s addictive. And there’s fantastic brand loyalty." — Warren Buffett, quoted in Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco

That sounds like the attitude of a true moral paragon.

JULIAN ASSANGE

Everything about this guy screams sleaze. That's really all I can say about him.

BRADLEY MANNING

Word is that this fellow brags that he committed treason, and put hundreds, if not thousands of lives in danger because he was feeling pissy about "Don't ask, don't tell." I think that the fact that he used a Lady Gaga CD to commit said treason is a clear case of "telling."

Now his allies and lawyers are running to the United Nations screaming that they should force the USA to let him go over bogus accusations that he's being "tortured." If he was really being tortured, any complaints would go to the Inspector General of the US military. The IG's office can actually do something. The UN can only do one thing: Sway the media and the Democrats with pleas for mercy from such civil liberty utopias of Syria, Iran, and North Korea.

He is not being tortured. Right now he's being treated like he's made of glass and tissue paper, because they need him in one piece in order to hang him. They have to hang him because America's rather light record on treating treason and the people who commit it convinced him that he can get away with it, and if he does, America can kiss its national security goodbye.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA

They really don't need to be mentioned.

THE TSA

Badly run, with a philosophy centered on harassing the innocent over catching the guilty. How long do you think it will take before some Iman files a lawsuit that gets Muslims a special pass from security scans and airport fondle fests? I'm betting it will happen in 2011.

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

People wondered what the Democrats would do with control of both the White House and Congress, and now we know: They went completely bat-shit insane. To hell with the constitution, to hell with voters, and to hell with logic and rationality.

EARTHLING SCIENTISTS

From continuing to propagate the myth of man-made climate change (take from an alien whose been around a few millennium, CLIMATES CHANGE ALL THE TIME), to lame pseudo-studies that claim to "explain" conservatism as some sort of mental deficiency.

In my empire we don't need humor magazines, we have your scientific journals for our shits and giggles.

JON STEWART & STEPHEN COLBERT

Jon Stewart is the new Ed Murrow for criticizing Republicans for criticizing a bill that will probably end up denying health care to 9-11 first responders because vague wording makes it wildly susceptible to fraud. But Stewart's writers told him to demand it be passed, and so he did, because he's an obedient little court jester to his Democrat masters.

Then there's the so-called "Rally To Restore Sanity" he held with his catamite Colbert. It was more of a "Rally To Inflate Our Sense of Smug Superiority."

THE FCC

Net neutrality, the government's plan to regulate the internet by eliminating competition and controlling bandwidth couldn't pass through congress. So the Obama administration passed the ball to their obedient bureaucratic minions in the FCC to begin the process of whittling down free speech into nothing. Expect a regulatory return of the "Fairness Doctrine" to shut down talk radio and Fox News.

It's useless, and should be disbanded.

Speaking of useless

PUBLIC SECTOR UNIONS

Didn't need to be created, because there already were laws on the books ensuring the rights and privileges of public employees. The unions were formed during the Kennedy administration to create a permanent bloc that would vote for the party that consistently fattened up their salaries and memberships and to hell with the consequences, and by that I mean, the Democrats.

THE IVY LEAGUE

The Ivy League went from being the best centers of learning available, to centers for the elite to congregate and perpetuate their own, and now it's become a diploma factory for folks with either the money, or the ability to play politically correct academic games.

I now hold a Harvard degree against a politician.

Anyway if you're on this list, then...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Reality Checks: IT'S A TRAP! Edition

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Time for some reality checks, and for that I brought my old college roomie Admiral Akbar to help me out. Ain't that right Akkie?
Oh, Akkie, you crack me up. But don't jump the gun just yet. Give me a chance to explain some of the traps folks are walking into.

First up:

DON'T ASK DON'T TELL

Now my empire has had gays in the military for centuries, but I can understand that the transition can be tricky. So I actually applaud the repeal of the inane Don't Ask Don't Tell Law, because.... Hit it Akky!

That's right.

All you hippies running around smoking pot and voting Democrat have just stuck your foot into a big fat bear trap. Why? Because you just lost your most popular excuse to get out of the draft.

"You can't draft me, because I like dudes!"

Well, that little excuse, or ploy, isn't going to get you out of uniform in any way that you're going to like. And remember how Democrats love their quotas and mandatory hiring, so expect an "Equality Draft" Bill sometime before 2012.

JULIAN ASSANGE

Julian Assange got bail, and is spending his free time over the Christmas holidays at the mansion of the parents of one of his journalist supporters.

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel that....
Come on, think about it people!

Haven't any of you people watched British television, or read any mystery novels?

Think about it, a man with a lot of enemies, political and personal, and a history of lechery, gets bail for a scandalous criminal charge and goes to spend the holidays at a wealthy family's country estate. This is the sort of thing that you just know is going to end up with a body in the conservatory next to a bloody candlestick.

There will be a lot of accusations, conspiracy theories, and then some short fat Belgian reveals that the real killer was just someone who was upset over Assange giving them chlamydia in 2003.

If Assange was a dorky upper class playboy with a horde of tyrannical aunts and no real enemies, it would be more of a PG Wodehouse, romantic farce, instead of the Agatha Christie plot-line he's put himself in.

And let's have a look at what will probably be the next trap to look for...

GAY MARRIAGE

Oh sure, Republicans and churches oppose it, so Democrats and Hollywood people are demanding it. However....
Thanks Akkie.

That's right. You see, about 20 years ago a Republican activist who was gay, thought gay marriage was the perfect way to win over the gay vote in the long term. You see people get married, they start families, buy homes, and then start voting Republican.

Gay activists were repelled by this idea, seeing it as the imposition of Republican ethics and values on their community. So the Republicans backed off, and started to oppose it, like gays in the military. Reverse psychology kicked in, and now gays are clamoring to join those Republican bastions of military personnel, and the married middle class, and Democrats are fighting like cats in a sack to shove them in. None of them realizing...
Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.