DOUCHEBAGS OF THE YEAR!

Greetings puny Earthlings!

You calendar says that this is the last day of your year 2010. Well, good for you, you managed to make it another year without blowing yourselves up, but you keep on trying. So let's look at those who took douchebaggery into the next level, I'm talking out our DOUCHEBAGS OF THE YEAR!!

Here they are in no particular odor!

BILLIONAIRES

You gotta love these guys, they make billions of dollars, and then support politicians, and even openly campaign for causes, like higher taxes, to prevent others from joining their happy little club. While they declare that everyone else needs to hand over their income to the government, they get patted on the back as moral paragons for putting some of their mega-fortunes in tax-free charitable foundations.

And while we're on the topic of moral paragons, let's look at the one the media love to back-pat the most, Warren Buffet and his position on the cancer tobacco industry:

"I’ll tell you why I like the cigarette business. It costs a penny to make. Sell it for a dollar. It’s addictive. And there’s fantastic brand loyalty." — Warren Buffett, quoted in Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco

That sounds like the attitude of a true moral paragon.

JULIAN ASSANGE

Everything about this guy screams sleaze. That's really all I can say about him.

BRADLEY MANNING

Word is that this fellow brags that he committed treason, and put hundreds, if not thousands of lives in danger because he was feeling pissy about "Don't ask, don't tell." I think that the fact that he used a Lady Gaga CD to commit said treason is a clear case of "telling."

Now his allies and lawyers are running to the United Nations screaming that they should force the USA to let him go over bogus accusations that he's being "tortured." If he was really being tortured, any complaints would go to the Inspector General of the US military. The IG's office can actually do something. The UN can only do one thing: Sway the media and the Democrats with pleas for mercy from such civil liberty utopias of Syria, Iran, and North Korea.

He is not being tortured. Right now he's being treated like he's made of glass and tissue paper, because they need him in one piece in order to hang him. They have to hang him because America's rather light record on treating treason and the people who commit it convinced him that he can get away with it, and if he does, America can kiss its national security goodbye.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA

They really don't need to be mentioned.

THE TSA

Badly run, with a philosophy centered on harassing the innocent over catching the guilty. How long do you think it will take before some Iman files a lawsuit that gets Muslims a special pass from security scans and airport fondle fests? I'm betting it will happen in 2011.

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

People wondered what the Democrats would do with control of both the White House and Congress, and now we know: They went completely bat-shit insane. To hell with the constitution, to hell with voters, and to hell with logic and rationality.

EARTHLING SCIENTISTS

From continuing to propagate the myth of man-made climate change (take from an alien whose been around a few millennium, CLIMATES CHANGE ALL THE TIME), to lame pseudo-studies that claim to "explain" conservatism as some sort of mental deficiency.

In my empire we don't need humor magazines, we have your scientific journals for our shits and giggles.

JON STEWART & STEPHEN COLBERT

Jon Stewart is the new Ed Murrow for criticizing Republicans for criticizing a bill that will probably end up denying health care to 9-11 first responders because vague wording makes it wildly susceptible to fraud. But Stewart's writers told him to demand it be passed, and so he did, because he's an obedient little court jester to his Democrat masters.

Then there's the so-called "Rally To Restore Sanity" he held with his catamite Colbert. It was more of a "Rally To Inflate Our Sense of Smug Superiority."

THE FCC

Net neutrality, the government's plan to regulate the internet by eliminating competition and controlling bandwidth couldn't pass through congress. So the Obama administration passed the ball to their obedient bureaucratic minions in the FCC to begin the process of whittling down free speech into nothing. Expect a regulatory return of the "Fairness Doctrine" to shut down talk radio and Fox News.

It's useless, and should be disbanded.

Speaking of useless

PUBLIC SECTOR UNIONS

Didn't need to be created, because there already were laws on the books ensuring the rights and privileges of public employees. The unions were formed during the Kennedy administration to create a permanent bloc that would vote for the party that consistently fattened up their salaries and memberships and to hell with the consequences, and by that I mean, the Democrats.

THE IVY LEAGUE

The Ivy League went from being the best centers of learning available, to centers for the elite to congregate and perpetuate their own, and now it's become a diploma factory for folks with either the money, or the ability to play politically correct academic games.

I now hold a Harvard degree against a politician.

Anyway if you're on this list, then...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

It's been a while since I dipped my big blue toe into the pool of douchebaggery known as Earthling political life, so I think it's time to do it again. Because you have a lot of douchebags running around who really need to know that they are douchebags.

Anyway, let's start with the small fry, and work our way up, or down, depending how you look at it.

BRANDON KIM

You don't know who this guy, but he posts stuff on the IFC website. I say stuff instead of articles or blog posts because those things require thought, and poor little Brandon isn't too good at that. The bit of pseudo-intellectual effluvia that elevates him to the level of douchebag involves a piece he wrote about Velvet Underground drummer Mo Tucker and how he described her recent activities, saying that: "This is one of the farthest falls from cool in music history."

What did Mo Tucker do that was so uncool?

She participated in a Tea Party rally.

Think about that for a second.

Apparently Mr. Kim thinks that someone not wanting the government to control every aspect of human life is uncool.

But let's forget that for a second, and let's look at how dumb and divorced from reality Mr. Kim really is.

Imagine yourself a dyed in the wool Democrat who thinks the sun shines out of Barack Obama's back passage. Can you honestly think that Mo Tucker attending a Tea Party is the farthest fall from cool in rock history in a universe where Gary Glitter exists.

True, Gary Glitter never really was particularly cool, and never near the level of the Velvet Underground, but we are talking about pedophilia here, which puts him way deeper negative zone of uncool than any rational person may feel over a mere political disagreement.

Mo Tucker is doing what people like Mr. Kim usually fail to do, stick by her own beliefs of individual responsibility and individual liberty. Maybe Mr. Kim should polish his hipster-douchebag pseudo-nerd glasses, and maybe then he can see some of the real world for a change.

10:10 & RICHARD CURTIS

This is a story about a real drastic fall from cool.

10:10 is an environment group that wants everyone to cut their carbon emissions by 10% in what's left of 2010. They commissioned Richard Curtis to make a video for them pushing their message.

This is what Curtis shat out of his brain hole:

Curtis peaked on shows like Blackadder, and Mr. Bean, and films like 4 Weddings & A Funeral, only to fizzle out with increasingly bland and forgettable romantic comedies. So, in desperation, he tries to regain his long dulled edge by making this video, only to have it backfire badly for both him and the group 10:10.

Why?

Because the message of the video is "CONFORM TO OUR AGENDA, OR BE GRUESOMELY MURDERED."

It shows just how out of touch both Curtis and 10:10 is. They think that somehow the "rightness" of their cause justifies threatening people's lives as long as the cheekily say: "No pressure," before pressing the murder button.

Mo Tucker stood for being a free individual, Curtis stands for everyone who doesn't have a home in Notting Hill and two "country retreats" to blindly obey the orders of their limo-liberal betters or die if they dare resist.

No pressure.

Asshole.

ED SCHULTZ

The MSNBC pundit and liberal talk radio host declared that he could match Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor Rally with his 1 Nation Rally. Well, let's look at the pictures...

Here's Ed's rally.
Here's the Restoring Honor Rally.
Hmmm.... I don't really see much of a match. In fact, I see the Restoring Honor crowd dwarfing the 1 Nation crowd by a massive margin. Plus, the Restoring Honor people didn't litter the living hell out of the joint like Ed Schultz and his people.

Of course, Schultz is going around crowing that his was a bigger crowd, only serving to show just how bias can so easily slip into the realm of delusion.

GLORIA ALLRED

What can be said about Gloria Allred that hasn't already been said? Some are saying that she's violating her oaths as an attorney by putting her client in legal jeopardy with her little "October Surprise" against Meg Whitman the Republican candidate for governor of California.

But that ex-housekeeper isn't her real client. Allred's real client is Jerry Brown the Democratic candidate. Allred doesn't give a rat's ass about the woman, and how all this attention and exposure will probably get her jailed for using false papers to dupe her employers and then deported. That will all happen long after the election, and by that time, Allred will be long gone, having returned to her usual practice of scrounging for scraps off the courthouse steps.

I'd ask if she had any decency or shame, but we all know the answer to that. Which brings us to Ms. Allred's real client:

JERRY "MOONBEAM" BROWN

This man is the embodiment of everything wrong with the Democratic Party. He's the heir of a political family, has never had any meaningful employment outside of running and holding elected offices, and yet despite decades of alleged "public service" the only accomplishment anyone can remember is that he boned Linda Ronstadt before she got fat and crazy.

He believes that elected office is his entitlement, granted to him by birth and the Democratic Party, and that there is nothing he or his proxies won't do or say to get and hold those offices.

Maybe he should consider getting a real job for once in his life. Then he might develop some common sense, and enough testicular fortitude to shovel his own shit instead of getting minions like Allred to do it for him.

Remember folks, if you find yourself on this list, then...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Sorry for the light posting, it's been sort of busy in the empire lately, but I thought I'd take a moment to remind you about the sheer level of douchebaggery that keeps happening on your wretched little rock of a planet.

So let's go in no particular order...

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: There are literally too many examples of bias to mention, from their constant use of the word "brilliant" to describe every time Barack Obama farts, to deliberately leaving out important facts. Recent Senator Robert Byrd slipped the surly bonds of Earth, rung down the curtain, and joined the jug band invisible, and they are already forgetting that he once held a leadership position in the Ku Klux Klan.

Former Democrat turned Republican Strom Thurmond died, and they rushed to brand him the eternal segregationist despite his later change in position on that issue. Byrd on the other hand was a leader and recruiter for what can only be described as a racially motivated domestic terrorist group. Of course Byrd stayed a Democrat, so to the media, that makes it all a-okay.

I know you Earthlings have a thing about speaking ill of the dead, but one shouldn't lie about them either.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: He's become a regular on this feature, for continued douchebaggery ranging from delaying action on the BP oil spill to please his union masters, and playing around with people's lives and livelihoods with the offshore drilling ban in order to please his billionaire masters who are invested in Brasilian oil and want those Gulf oil rigs. And let us not forget the kissing up to enemies, the pissing on allies, and all the other stuff he does on a regular basis to completely cripple the nation.

BP: I guess when this company went "Beyond Petroleum" they also went beyond basic safety considerations. They honestly believed that being behind such boondoggles in the making like "cap and trade" would somehow protect them from fundamentally failing at the one thing they are supposed to be good at, which is extracting oil from the ground, and delivering it without creating some sort of massive environmental and economic disaster.

Remember, if you're on this list then you....

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of Week! Greece Fire Edition!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

So many douchebags, so little time. Let's get started:

1. Administrators of the Live Oak High School in Morgan Hill California.

These administrators suspended a bunch of students for daring to wear shirts adorned with the American flag on Cinco de Mayo.

Cinco de Mayo, which I used to think was a sandwich with extra mayonnaise, is a holiday Mexicans celebrate to honor the day when their self-inflicted backwater of a country joined the large club of nations that defeated France.

Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with the USA, but Americans acknowledge it out of the goodness of their hearts to make their brothers and sisters of Mexican descent feel part of the nation, and to chow down on Mexican cuisine.

Which begs the question: Why anyone would be offended by the flag of a nation so accommodating to a holiday of another country?

It's not like these students were wearing T-shirts emblazoned with the flag of the invader France, or even the usurper Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico, or someone even more maniacally bloodthirsty like Che Guevera. They were wearing a reminder to students of Mexican descent that they are damn lucky to not be living in Mexico.

So why the offense?

Because Cinco de Mayo has become yet another pawn in the game of identity politics, professional victimology, and the racial/nationalist games of political hacks of groups like La Raza. It is no longer a celebration of beating France, but a stick to be used to beat the United States of America into becoming Mexico North. Because we all know what a wonderful condition Mexico is in right now.

Here's a simple policy suggestion. If anyone is offended by the flag of the country they live in, then they should be moved, post-haste to the country they apparently prefer. Simple as that.

2. Greek Rioters.

Decades of bad management, corruption, and tax fraud, have turned Greece from the "sick man of Europe" to the basket case of the Western World. People are rioting, assaulting police, smashing windows, burning businesses, and even murdering poor bank employees because they want to keep getting 14 monthly paychecks instead of 12.

And let us not forget that they're letting communists and anarchists run roughshod with their permission. Try that in my empire, and you can consider yourself lucky if you only end up in the belly of a Grenarrian razorbeast. I'm all for decent pay and pensions, but Greece's situation is ridiculous, the country is going down in flames, threatening to take the rest of Europe with it, and these people don't care, just give them their bloated entitlements.

Where were the voices of reason that said: You can't do that, we can't afford it! when the unions were formulating their demands?

Where are the current voices of reason that say: Burning down Athens only do us more harm then good, as they storm through the streets?

They're definitely not in Greece, that's for sure.

Of course, this will all be repeated on an exponential scale in the USA, if the Democrats succeed with their "hope and change" agenda, but with an added soupcon of the Chinese aiming nukes at them to demand repayment of debts.

Anyway, if you are on this list, then...
Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Month!

Greetings puny earthlings!

Sorry it's been so long between posts. I'm lazy, I admit, but there's been so much douchebaggery lately I just had to make a statement.

So here are the DOUCHEBAGS OF THE MONTH in no particular order.

THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION For a myriad of reasons, but chiefly their ignoring of Iran's nuclear threat, and discarding America's allies in favor of their ongoing smear campaign against the Tea Party movement through proxies like--

PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON The pants-less prez put on his smart glasses to show the world just how big a tool he really is. What did he do this time? He compared the Tea Party movement to mass murdering scumbag Timothy McVeigh. I wanted to call him and ask how a movement asking for more responsible spending of taxpayer's money could be compared to a paranoid thug who got pushed over the edge by the bungling operations of Clinton's justice department, but all I could get was his secretary. She was no help because she wouldn't talk with her mouth full.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA For continuing to play lap-dog to the current administration and playing along with their smear campaign against a growing segment of the population. And they wonder why they're all sinking and alternative outlets are thriving. Disgusting and stupid, a dangerous combination.

COMEDY CENTRAL For caving into the not-so-veiled threats of a Islamist and giving them yet another victory in their ongoing war against the right of free speech and true rebels like the makers of South Park. Comedy Central will mock Christianity and Judaism to no end, but when it comes to the people who actually do murder artists on the street they become nutless wonders. Then they go to a dinner party in Malibu and be feted as "courageous" for letting Sarah Silverman make yet another boring Jesus joke.

ABU TALHAH AL AMRIKEE For being the maker of the no-so-veiled threats against the makers of South Park and the right of free expression. At least have the cojones to admit you made a threat when you make a threat.

THE GREEN MOVEMENT For transforming from a movement aimed at curbing pollution and toxic waste into a profiteering, power mongering bastardization of all it once stood for. Thanks to Rachel Carson's misguided campaign against DDT hundreds of thousands, if not millions die from malaria every year. Scientists have whored out and destroyed their integrity in the name of "Climate Change" and politicians do everything they can to grab your money, and control your lives. Way to go Greenies, way to go.

If you find yourself on this list, then it means that...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings, it's been a while since we've done a tally of Earthling douchebaggery, so let's get the ball rolling...

1. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:

Talk about having your priorities straight. The commander in chief of the free world has taken a break from voting "present" on Afghanistan, letting Iran go nuclear bugshit on the rest of the Middle East, and trying to ram state-run health care down the throats of America, to campaign for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics.

Now you might wonder why he's doing this, well the answer is simple.

His bosses in the Chicago Machine told him to do it.

Sure the Olympics have devolved from a festival of sports and culture into a multi-billion dollar boondoggle where huge corporations get governments to help pay for their global advertising campaigns. It also means a way for corrupt city officials to rake in millions if not billions from graft, waste, and outright theft from the Olympic piggy bank.

Good old Barack H. Obedience, always delivers for his bosses.

2. GORE VIDAL:

The wheezy old windbag of American letters crawled out of his coffin to gripe about the only country that allowed a pretentious old twat to be successful as a writer, saying things like:

Obama believes the Republican Party is a party when in fact it’s a mindset, like Hitler Youth, based on hatred — religious hatred, racial hatred. When you foreigners hear the word ‘conservative’ you think of kindly old men hunting foxes. They’re not, they’re fascists.

Now that's real courage, calling people who won't shoot you "fascists" also pretty original too. Personally, I just think he was just glad he had someone to talk to since he hasn't been relevant since the 1970s.

3. ROMAN POLANSKI:

He's in the news for getting busted by the Swiss, and now faces extradition for statutory rape of a 13 year old girl, after plying her with a Quaalude and champagne cocktail.

My prediction, he's going to be shipped to America, walk on the charges, and then be appointed Obama's new "youth czar."

4. MICHAEL MOORE:

Because he's Michael Moore, the living dictionary definition of hypocrisy. He is a douchebag, always was a douchebag, and barring some sort of miracle will remain a douchebag for all time, and well into eternity, creating a black hole of douchebaggery.

So remember kiddies, if you're on this list, then...

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

Greetings puny Earthlings. Time to take another look at the wide world of douchebaggery so here we go.

DEMOCRATS: Congratulations, your strategy of calling anyone and everyone who disagrees with you on socialized health-care "racist," "ignorant," "Nazis," and a whole myriad of other petty slanders is really paying off. Your beloved Messiah's ratings are plunging faster than a greased rock climber, and all in defense of a bill that none of you have even read.

Well here's a question. If none of you have read it, the WHO THE HELL WROTE IT?

Oh, right, lobbyists and your money people.

And don't get me started on all that class warfare bullshit.

YALE UNIVERSITY: The nutless wonders who run Yale University have displayed a new low in the field of moral cowardice by censoring the Danish Mohamed cartoons, from A BOOK ABOUT THE DANISH MOHAMED CARTOONS. What's next, are they going to excise all references to the Holocaust from their history texts because it might offend the sensibilities of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Or perhaps remove all references to the failures and atrocities of socialism for fear of offending Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro's zombie?

I know the modern western university is more about feelings than facts, but Yale is officially full of shit.

SHOWTIME NETWORK: For wasting millions of dollars and hours of air-time for Oliver Stone to produce the "Secret History of America." Why not just air the combined writings of the Unabomber, Charles Manson, and the homeless guy who lives behind the 7-11 in Fairfax.

WARREN BUFFET: The sage of Omaha came down from his mountain of cash and declared that the massively bloating federal debt is a threat to the value of the American dollar and the economy in general. Well, no shit Sherlock, then why did you, and your other billionaire friends drop millions on the candidate who so far has accomplished nothing but bloat the debt like Kirstie Alley at a buffet.

You made this bed, or to be more exact, you paid for this bed, so you have to lie in it.

So if you find yourself on this list, it means that...

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!!

I can't believe it's been so long since we've done a "Douchebags of the Week" what with all the douchebaggery going on and all, but it is better late than never.

1. SEN. ARLEN SPECTER- There's no whore like an old whore, and you'd be hard pressed to find any whore older than Arlen Specter, the former Republican In Name Only, acted like the rat he is and leaped across the aisle to the Democrats. But like the syphillis you contract from an old whore, that's just the beginning, take a look at this recent interview clip (ht-Hot Air)...

That's right, Jack Kemp's recent passing is all Bush's fault. Sure it's not true, and that Republicans increased cancer research funding in the billions, but that's not going to stop Specter from saying it. Remember, he's a Democrat now, and no one in the media will challenge whatever he says, no matter how much it reeks like opportunistic bullshit.

2. PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA- 100 days in office, 100 days of douchebaggery. First the massive explosion in debt that even the Democratic Party's Red Chinese masters are unwilling to buy. The giving of the bonuses to his AIG supporters, then using them as a political punching bag to distract the press from the fact that his foreign policy has less testicular fortitude than a chorus of castrati, and that his administration is just the Chicago political machine writ large. The bowing, the scraping, the apologizing for America's existence. The rampaging ego that honestly believes that he is the be all and end all of history.

And most recently, his threats to sic his obedient lickspittles in the Washington Press Corps on disobedient Chrysler execs. I don't doubt for a minute that it's true, it's definitely one of his tactics, and the MSM are quite happy to do their messiah's bidding. In fact the only move he made that showed any intelligence, foresight, and cojones was plopping Joe Biden in the Veep seat. Having a VP that's one IQ point from having to wear a helment 24/7 is probably the best insurance he can get.

3. JANET NAPOLITANO- Just look at her recent record of blaming Canada, veterans, taxpayers and Christians for violence while ignoring the people who actually do the violence to promulgate their violent ideology.

4. JOHN EDWARDS- The pretty pony of the Democratic Party is going to be investigated for using campaign cash to pay off his mistress. Well he should be. I pay for my mistresses and bastard spawn out of my own damn pocket, so why shouldn't he? ---Ooooh, I'm channeling John Edwards' illegitimate child, and the kid's saying: "Damn daddy, you are one cheap chiseling tool!"

5. TIMOTHY GEITHNER- The Treasury Secretary never met a mistake he didn't feel like doing over, again and again, and again.

So remember, if you find yourself on this list then...


Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings. Sorry for the slow posting, but I have an Empire to run, so here's a quick wrap up of the DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

THE DUTCH COURTS: For tossing away the right of free speech to appease the unappeasable Islamofascists by charging Geet Wilders with hate speech for broadcasting the speeches of Islamic fascists. Here's a little lesson about appeasement: IT NEVER WORKS!!! How about prosecuting the imams telling people to kill others. That's a real hate crime.

GEORGE W. BUSH: For not delivering the pardons that men like Scooter Libby and Ramos and Compean deserve (They only got commutations, not pardons). For shame Mr. Bush, you went from being a paragon of moral courage to a frigging jellyfish. Just because Clinton turned the pardon system into a whore-fest doesn't mean you can't pardon those who deserve it.

HAMAS: For doing nothing but create misery for their own people and those around them.

PALESTINIANS: For allowing Hamas to do nothing but create misery and doing it happily.

THE UNITED NATIONS: For taking the word of a fascist terrorist group over a sovereign democratic nation.

THE WESTERN MEDIA: For doing the same thing as the United Nations.


Remember, if you are on this list than...

Keep watching the skies because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings, and sorry for the light posting. Here's another dip into the wonderful world of Earthling douchebaggery!

ROD BLAGOJEVICH: Not just for being corrupt, but for being stupid and arrogant as well. He knew he was under investigation, he knew he was probably being tapped more than Madonna in 1980s, yet he still held an auction for Obama's Senate Seat.

People can understand someone being a crook, greed is a universal constant, but they can't abide being an idiot as well. And guess what, he's refusing to resign! I guess he's figuring Obama will fire US Attorney Fitzgerald and make all this go away come January, the way Clinton fired all the US Attornies to get rid of the one dogging him. And you know what, there's a good chance that will happen. Obama has a free pass from the media, and since he can't do anything but disappoint, why not go for it.

OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS: For taking out all words associated with Christianity and British history from their children's dictionary. Because they don't want children actually learning anything from their dictionaries that might make them resist the total collapse of their society. Classy.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: They've done something, they always do.

RADICAL GAY ACTIVISTS: Not only are they engaging in a campaign of blacklisting and economic ruin against anyone who supported traditional marriage, they have now targeted the Oscars for giving a humanitarian award to Jerry Lewis for his work raising money for Muscular Dystrophy. His crime is that the used an offensive anti-gay slur twice over the past year.

Yet Sean Penn can praise, visit, and hug people like Raul Castro, and Ahmadinejad, who have actually murdered gay people for being gay, and he's all right because he starred in Milk. Stephen Soderbergh makes a 4 hour canonization of homophobic mass murder Che Guevera, and he's given a pass, because he probably voted against Prop 8.

This is not how you win friends and influence people. Gay people have common enemies they share with the "Right Wing" Christians they're always railing against, murderous godless dictatorships, and vicious terrorist states. Maybe standing together on the whole "not killing gay people" issue, might be the common ground you need. Sure, the mainstream churches don't want to host your wedding, and some churches may try to "cure" gay people, but guess what, aside from that psycho-pseudo-Christian shit-sack Fred Phelps, they all oppose hanging gay people in arenas as half-time entertainment.

It's time to learn who are your real enemies, and who can become your allies, if you want them too.

My intellectual honesty compels me to give kudos to The Advocate magazine for actually having the stones to call Penn on it.

So remember, if you're on the list, then...


Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

It's time once again to take a look at the wide cornucopia of douchebags that populate your planet. So here we go...

THE MUMBAI MURDERERS: I haven't really been able to write about this incident because it disgusted me so much. Any god that wants nothing but death and destruction can only be a false god, and its followers not only scum, but stupid scum at that. Enjoy hell you douchebags.

THE MEDIA: What the hell is wrong with the media? The Mumbai terrorists toss a name at them (The Decca Mujahadeen) and they're running around like decapitated poultry asking stupid questions like:

1. Did Bin Laden order it?

2. Were they targetting Americans?

3. Who are the Decca Mujahadeen?

Well let me answer those questions:

1. He didn't have to. Radical Islamism is an ideology that desires blood, blood, and more blood. That means all that needs to be done is to open a radicalized mosque.

2. They targetted everybody, Americans were just an extra.

3. They're just a name to make them look like local Muslim nationalists, rather than the most likely scenario of local recruits, and Pakistani intelligence agents.

Use your frikkin' brains for a change.

BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPERS: Yes, Black Friday has some amazing deals, but it doesn't justify trampling a Wal-Mart employee to death, or shootouts in toy stores! For the love of Xenu, you live in America, if they sell out of Xbox 360s, and Fondle Me Elmos, then just got to another store, or wait a day, and more will arrive. This is a time for giving, not frantic hysteria. So calm the frik down!

HOLIDAY HUMBUGGERS: Every American Thanksgiving sparks a new round of obnoxious, idiotic yahoos trying to ruin the fun for everyone. The big trend this year: Condemning children who dress up as Pilgrims or Indians on Thanksgiving as racists. How does dressing up to commemorate the one time both sides got along peacefully racist? Will you please frikkin' answer the frikkin' question? And soon will come another round of TV networks wishing everyone a Happy anything but Xmas, for fear the undead corpse of Madeline Murray-O'Hare will claw its way out of her musty grave and start crowing shrilly. I have nothing against wishing anyone a Happy Eid, Chanukah, Diwali,Vaisakhi, Tet, or even a frikkin' Saturnalia, because I think people should be wished happiness on their religious holidays. However, I get blue with fury when people single out Xmas simply because it is a Christian holiday. Well, boo-frikkin-hoo, and a Merry Xmas to you, you prejudiced zontark.

THE CARLETON UNIVERSITY STUDENT ASSOCIATION: You know why you're on this list.

So, if you found yourself on this list, then...
Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

PS: Gotta question, then CLICK HERE before Dec. 5th and the greatest minds in the Universe will answer it.

Douchebags of the Week! The Bailout Edition!

Greetings puny Earthlings, sorry for the light posting lately, but hey, I rule the goddamn universe, I'm a busy man, so let's a minute to take a look at the week in Douchebaggery, so here they are, in no particular odour....

BARNEY FRANK- Not only for playing interference with the increasingly unstable Fannie Mae while chairing the Banking Committee, but for playing house with senior Fannie Mae exec Herb Moses while Moses was developing the very same programs that put the company on the road to ruin. If a Republican banking committee chair had been shacked up with an executive at Fannie Mae at any time in their lives, even if it was just a one night stand in college, he'd be shitting kittens, screaming conflict of interest and demanding special prosecutors, immediate arrests, and summary executions. Why isn't he doing it now? Oh right, he's a hypocrite.

CHRIS DODD- For taking the most money from Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac, while getting sweetheart mortgage deals from the now collapsed Countrywide Financial, all the while blocking all calls for oversight of their risky, and possibly criminal business practises.

BARACK OBAMA- For taking the second most money from Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac, and having a past working with ACORN, 60s radicals, and just about every dirty player between Chicago and Washington. And then having the chutzpah for blaming it all on a deregulation bill from 10 years ago. If only he'd show such balls around the country's enemies, then maybe he might be qualified for something other than selling himself.

HARRY REID- For the sheer irresponsibility of crowing that a major, household name, insurance company was on the verge of bankruptcy, when he obviously knew nothing of the sort, and was only grandstanding for political gain, no matter the cost. Good old Harry Reid, always bringing politics to new lows.

THE REST OF CONGRESS- For turning the bail out into an orgy of pork. For shame.

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA- For ignoring the real causes of the current economic problems, for fear of hurting their chosen candidate, Barack Obama. Whatever happened to be real journalists?

Oh well, that's enough for now, and remember if your name is on this list, then...
Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Week! The Windy Edition!

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time for another look into the world of Earthling Douchebaggery, so let's get it started...

- THE DAILY KOS: For wasting gigabytes of internet space, speculating, theorizing, and just plain slanderizing Sarah Palin's family with tales of conspiracies and cover ups. Plus there's also the hypocrisy inherent in it, because if a Democratic candidate's teenage daughter got pregnant, and didn't have take the convenience of abortion, they'd be declaring that it was "private family business."

- THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: This is a partially pre-emptive douchebagging, because I just know that they're going to go after Bristol Palin hammer and tongs, because of her mother's crime of being a Republican. They've already started, but now that Hurricane Gustav failed to become Katrina 2: This Time It's Political, the real hunt will begin. And the sad part is that most will not even recognize their innate hypocrisy.

- JOE BIDEN: For playing politics while lecturing others on the necessity of not playing politics during a natural disaster. That and for the hair plugs.... hell, he's a douchebag just for being Joe Biden.

- ALAN COLMES: For sacrificing what little journalistic integrity he had left to jump on the Attack Palin with Rumour, Innuendo, & Speculation Bordering on Science Fiction bandwagon.

- BARACK OBAMA: For fighting so hard to prevent the release of the papers from the Chicago Annenberg Challenge, which is the only management/executive experience he has. Why Obama? Is it the fact that you handed out around $100,000,000 to Chicago schools and they failed to improve one bit? Or was it the fact that the founder of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge, and your inevitable close colleague is your fave bomb-tosser Bill Ayers?

So remember folks, if your name is on this list:
And keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebag of the Week Addendum

A hat tip to the lovely and fragrant goddess of conservative commentary Michelle Malkin for letting me know about a douchebag I almost missed. They call themselves Accountable America, and their game is to hound and harass Republican donors and voters.

The Iowahawk sends them up nastily.

Stick it to the brownshirt fascist bastards Iowahawk.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

And so is Accountable America.

DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

Greetings puny Earthlings, another week, another load of douchebaggery! so here they are in no particular odour order:

1. JEFFREY WELLS- A movie blogger who thinks that since Jon Voight doesn't have enough liberal guilt to blindly support Barack Obama's candidacy that he should be denied work. Well slap my ass and call me McCarthy, you're more than just a hypocrite, and a closet fascist, you're also a douchebag.

2. VLADIMIR PUTIN- For INVADING ANOTHER COUNTRY! Does he remember how well random invading and bullying people worked for his Soviet predecessors?

3. IRANIAN GOVERNMENT- For pulling a swimmer for fear that they may be polluted by sharing a pool with an Israeli. When Moamar Quadafi thinks you're a load of whackjobs, you are in deep, deep, dung.

4. JOHN EDWARDS- The former veep candidate and ambulance chaser who made his fortune suing doctors for non-existent malpractices, for not only cheating on his cancer stricken wife, but for the waffling, the denying, and then trying to justify his actions. Now he's admitting the affair, but denying fathering the child. Well, excuse me, but I don't think I'll just take his word for it, considering his history with the truth. I say take a sample of that snake oil that runs through his veins and compare the DNA. Edwards' juries may not have cared about scientific facts, but that's the only way I'll believe him. I think the illegitimate child isn't the real bastard in this story.

5. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA- You've hit a new low, when the National Enquirer comes out as the bastion of journalistic integrity. I can understand not initially reporting the story, the Enquirer's record is spotty at best, but there was no attempt to even look into the story until it was too late. Why don't you quit being shills for the Democratic Party and start doing your jobs for a change?

And don't forget, if you're on this list, it means:

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the Week... Erratically Scheduled Edition...

Greetings fellow Earthlings, it's time for another one of our erratically scheduled editions of DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

Let's get started:

BARACK OBAMA- For skipping visiting wounded members of the military he seeks to be commander in chief of, in favour of more photo-ops with cheering Eurotrash. Apparently snubbing the men and women who fight for freedom is the only decision he's willing to stick with. And BTW... YOU ARE NOT PRESIDENT YET! There still has to be an election. You know, democracy?

WESLEY CLARK- For insulting the honour of his former comrades in arms by claiming that it was not their bravery, or prowess as warriors that brought about all the recent victories in Iraq, but a few bribes paid by the Saudis that did it.

KEITH OLBERMANN- He's bound to have done something douchey this week, it's in the constitution.

Anyway, if you're name is here, then...


Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you. You douchebags.

Douchebags of the Week... Stop the Presses Edition!

1. The Associated Press: Not only for their regular lack of judgment, objectivity, and integrity, but for their recent decision to charge bloggers $2.50 a word for fair-use quoting them. I guess it's their strategy to stop bloggers from regularly fisking them into oblivion. But it's a double edged sword, because the only time people seem to read AP stories is when they're being fisked.

2. Al Gore: For his preachin and screechin and for having an appetite for electricity bigger than Android CAI-7's. He's now using something like 22 times the amount of electricity used by the average American home. What the hell is he doing there? Despite his appearance, I know he's not a robot, so that leaves grow-op, basement sweat-shop, or some sort of laser cannon.

3. House Democrats: For fighting all oil drilling, refinery expansion, and nuclear power, and threatening to nationalize the oil industry as "punishment" for profits. They are dead set determined to completely cripple the US economy.

4. John Murtha: For betraying his country, his oath, and his Corps by making egregious and now proven false accusations of murder against the "Haditha Marines." His only defence for his treachery is that he served in Vietnam, well then I'm tempted to then ask him: "Which side?"

5. MoveOn.Org: For it's delightfully wretched, factually inaccurate, and downright laughable: "John McCain don't take my baby!" ad.

If you find yourself on this list, then...
Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

You douchebags.

Douchebags of the Week... Holier Than Thou Edition

1. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA-- For a myriad of sins. From the hagiography of empty-headed empty suit Barack Obama and ignoring his unending stream of bloopers, bleepers, and bone-headed preachers, to their sudden reappraisal of Scott Mclellan since he became a KosKid, and their ongoing to refusal to report on victory, because what they want is defeat. There's bias, that's to be expected, but this sanctifying the left has gone beyond bias into suicidal madness.

2. GORDON MURSELL, THE ANGLICAN BISHOP OF STAFFORD-- For declaring that people who don't fall down on their knees and begin worshiping the craven idol of Al Gore's doughy backside you're the equivalent of Austrian incest rapist Josef Fritzl. Of course since he's an Anglican Bishop in Britain, he was speaking to an empty room.

3. FATHER MICHAEL PFLEGER-- For declaring that America, the nation that hasn't burnt him at the stake, yet, is the greatest sin inflicted on the world. Nothing like that eeeeevvviiilll religious, political, and economic freedom. My advice to the Catholic Church on how to handle this race-baiting moonbat, two words: Trappist monastery.

4. SCOTT MCCLELLAN-- The only reason this odorous sweat-act of a press secretary kept his job as long as he did was because of President Bush's overwrought sense of loyalty. He repaid that loyalty with a steaming pile of a book, specially re-written to embarrass the President, hurt the war effort, and get the media to finally like him after years of eating their crap and calling it ice cream. I heard George Soros now has McClellan's soul in a jar on his mantle, next to Obama's.

So remember, if you find yourself on this list---

Douchebags of the Week... Erratically Scheduled Edition...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Time for another edition of our incorrectly titled DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!!!

1. FRANCE 2 TV: The French public broadcaster recently had their libel suit against media watchdog Phillipe Karsenty shot down by an appeals court because they were a bunch of lying douchebags. You see, France 2 first broadcast, and then maintained the myth of "Mohammed Al-Dura" a mythical Palestinian boy they claimed was killed by Israeli sharpshooters. When Karsenty challenged their story because independent investigators couldn't find proof that Al-Dura even existed, let alone got shot by Israeli troops who were aiming away from him, they sued for libel. If they had any testicular fortitude they'd have released the whole tape, and not just the snippets for their modern blood libel.

2. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: For completely ignoring the 31,000+ scientists who signed a petition declaring man-made Global Warming and the profiteering and fear mongering around it as bunkum. And let's not forget the constant stream of gaffes coming from Barack Obama, if he was a Republican, we'd never hear the end of it, but since he's a Democratic, we'll never see it at all.

3. HILLARY CLINTON: For publicly pondering the assassination of her rival in a Freudian slip. One thing I can assure you Earthlings, is that Hillary will not be using the Gul-Hak Order of Triluria XII for the job. They expect to be paid, something Hillary's campaign isn't very keen on lately.

4. JIMMY CARTER: He's bound to have done something douchebaggy this week. It's as certain as the sunrise.

5. JOHN KERRY: For thinking that talking to the sexist, homophobic, imperialist theocrats of Iran would somehow gain "the moral high ground."

6. STEVEN SODERBERGH: For making a bloated 5 1/2 hour biopic of Che Guevera, and deliberately leaving out the racism, sexism, homophobia, and let's not forget homicidal aspects of his subject. Then having the chutzpah to blame his moral cowardice on conservatives, saying that it would be impossible to please them. How about telling a little bit of truth, that would have been enough.

So remember, if you see yourself on this list, then...
That's all for now, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Douchebags of the....Sort of Week....

Hello puny Earthlings. TekTak F. Mechanoid here with another edition in our inaccurately named and erratically timed series DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

I'm filling in for Remulak who has returned to Earth, Xran got his agent out of the carbonite and they're ready to restart their contract negotiations. I think Remulak is intent on wrapping this up, he packed up his Club of Agreement and took it with him.

But enough about us when there are so many Earthling douchebags running free like lemmings being tossed off a cliff by nature documentary makers.

1. STEPHEN KING: The once entertaining horror writer decided to let the whole world know that since he's become rich and famous, he's also now a douchebag with this statement:

I don’t want to sound like an ad–a public service ad on TV–but the fact is that if you can read you can walk into a job later on. If you don’t then you got the Army, Iraq, I don’t know, something like that. It’s not as bright. So that’s my little commercial for that.

Yeah, that's right, he thinks the people operating complex and relatively technologically advanced military equipment are illiterates. Let me tell you a little fact Stevie, soldiers do read, they just don't read you anymore, pretty much like most people.

2. CELEBRITY "ENVIRONMENTALISTS": Click here to read how the beautiful people are really working hard to save your planet's environment by polluting so much 19th century Robber Barons look at them and say: "Damn you're filthy." The only one worth his green is Ed Begley Jr. because he at least walks the walk.

3. THE BURMA JUNTA: Just because they will most likely loot as much of the aid money coming from around the world in the aftermath of the devastating cyclone. And I won't call it Myam-Byalik-Mar because I can never remember how to spell it correctly.

4. BILL AYERS: Just for being an unrepentant spoiled brat who played terrorist, and for being photographed dancing on the flag of the only nation that wouldn't have dropped him in a cell 'til the plague rats gnawed his bones bare.

5. ROSIE O'DONNELL: For jumping into the spotlight again and declaring that Rev. "Hate Whitie" Wright 'made sense to me.' The only reason that raving bigot made sense to you Rosie is because you are full of nonsense. Here's a little tip, just because he hates Bush and the USA doesn't make anyone wonderful.

MoxArgon here, logging on remotely from the Beverly Hills Hotel, with my own nomination:

Barbra Walters: For whoring her past to somehow make up for her total lack of relevance to anyone without a summer place in the Hamptons. Especially for revealing an affair with a married Senator, tainting his old age with tabloid scandal. Once again showing the world that when you think the media has finally hit rock bottom, they start chiselling away to find new depths of classlessness.

So folks, if you find yourself on this list, remember that...
And keep watching the skies, stay on point, and all that jazz...