Is There Such A Thing As An Alien Chickenhawk?

A Message From Remulak MoxArgon

Greetings Puny Earthlings. In an effort to endear ourselves to your people before my unstoppable cyborg hordes swoop down and plunge your world into an age of darkness, horror, and oppression unmatched by anything in your shallow history...


Sorry, I digress.

As I was saying, in an effort to endear ourselves to you Earthlings, my fellow alien Overlords and myself have joined one of your clubs. It's called the 101st Fighting Keyboardists, and I guess it must be some sort of culinary group because I think we're supposed to eat some chicken as part of some kind of hazing ritual.

Anyway, it looks like fun, and Xran is getting a keg of Psyklorrian Blood-Lager to serve at the first meeting. I hope you Earthlings can regenerate new livers on demand, because when that keg gets tapped, you're gonna need it.


Time To Open MoxArgon's Mail-Sac!

MOXARGON Welcome folks to a special edition of The Moxargon Group where my regular panelists and myself slice open the company mail-sac and answer the questions, queries, and quibbles of various puny Earthlings. Our first message comes from a past correspondent, a young blogger named Conservathink. Conservathink writes:

Do you have any wonderful high-tech space cures for zits? Because the ladies ain't giving me no sugar as long as I'm a slave to the stridex pad.

ANDROID CAI/7 Why does he need to acquire sugar from Earthling females?

XRAN I think it's a euphemism for procreation, if you know what I mean.

VAROS Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Say no more. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind wombat... or something like that.

MOXARGON As a boy growing up in log cabin in the suburbs of Flokia Prime my skin was always a nice smooth blue. And I owe it all to those wonderful Flokian zit-suckers. They attach themselves to whereever zits may dwell and the basically suck them dry. I'm sending a crate of a thousand to you by Cosmic Courier. Be careful, the process is very painful. And the rectal nesting will be a little disturbing at first, but you'll eventually get used to it.

VAROS Our next letter is for Xran the Fleshrender. Captain Silvia writes:

I think Xran is a distant cousin or maybe I slept with it at some point in the long-distant & murky depths of my past?

XRAN Okay, first I'd like to apologize for taking so long to respond, blame the limitations of light-speed e-mail, but I did a little checking with the All-Knowing Brainwads of Zephyr VII. Now we're not distant cousins, but your mother's third cousin's high-school boyfriend's biology teacher's brother's ex-wife's lawyer's accountant's secretary's dentist's receptionist's hamster was eaten by my brother's wife's clone's pet spiny hoppleflotter who is named Dennis.

MOXARGON Wow, this really is a small universe.

XRAN And as for sleeping with you... well, it's possible, especially if you were in Roswell in '86 and had a romantic interlude with a hairy alien in an "I Shot J.R." t-shirt and GWG jeans.

MOXARGON Who has the next letter?

ANDROID CAI/7 I do. It is from Fmragtops and he asks:

O Mighty galaxy conquerer, MoxArgon, is there any bacteria, or virus that you may be overly sensitive to?

MOXARGON Interesting question. Well let me tell that there isn't much that affects a creature comprised of chlorine and pudding. In fact I've been known to make bacteria sick. So I'm afraid that your dreams of concocting a bio-weapon to stop me and my cyborg hordes will come to naught.

XRAN Ebola does give you wicked gas.

MOXARGON True, but that's more of a threat to the earthlings than to me. And to Fmragtops, keep practicing the sycophancy, there's always room in the court for a few good brown-nosers. Read the next letter Xran.

XRAN This is from Leap Frog and he writes:

Re: Malkin's hate mail... why so surprised?

MOXARGON I think he's talking about my disgust at the foul mouthed vitriol my unrequited queen's detractors spew at her. Well, I learned good manners at my mother's knee. Other things I learned at other joints, and it really burns my gozer when I see people intelligent enough to work a computer waste time hurling foul-mouthed abuse at someone over a differing of opinion. Folks like that deserve a special, extra moist, place in the mucus mines. What's the next letter Varos.

VAROS This comes from a Canadian reader named Frosty Bottoms. Frosty writes:

What do you think about Stephen Harper's decision to not lower the flag to half-mast after the deaths of 4 Canadian soldiers?

ANDROID CAI/7 I can answer that one because it requires calm logic and not an emotional Earthling response. Canada, like it or not, is at war with Al Qaida in Afghanistan. In wars young men and women die. If you were to lower the flag every time a soldier dies in the line of duty during a war, your flag will be going up and down so many times it will begin to appear ridiculous and lose all meaning. This controversy originated from the previous Liberal Party's facade of being shocked to discover that people die in wars. All part of the illogical myth of the Canadian as a peacekeeper instead of a warrior.

VAROS Good point, find some German soldiers from WW1 & WW2 and ask them if they felt the Canadians were peacekeepers at heart. Night trench raids are not something peacekeepers do, I can assure you of that.

MOXARGON I think the Canadians should stick to the real and original tradition of honouring Canada's war dead on November 11. It cheapens the lives of the men who died in Afghanistan to somehow set them apart from the honoured dead of the previous wars. What's the next e-mail Xran?

XRAN This e-mail comes from Markos Moonbatsis. Markos writes:

Isn't it so f**king cool that the retired Generals and CIA folks are putting the screws to those crypto-fascists Rumsfeld and Chimpybushitler?

MOXARGON Sure, if you want your precious democracy destroyed. Ask yourself these three questions:

1. If a cadre of senior military officers and intelligence operatives started leaking classified information and subverting national security, during wartime, to deliberately undermine a sitting Democratic president and boost his Republican opponents wouldn't you be screaming about "coups" and "vast right-wing conspiracies?"

2. Wouldn't the media be portraying these men and women as sinister figures trying to seize power in Washington instead of calling them heroic whistleblowers and giving each other prizes for endangering American lives?

3. Why does having a Republican president make a covert military/intelligence coup more palatable to you?

Think about it.

Well that's all the time we have for tonight. Keep those messages coming and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.


And You Eat Tofu With Those Mouths?

A Personal Message
Remulak MoxArgon

Boy oh boy, you moonbats are foul-mouthed little critters, aren't you?

I think you must be considering the level of racist, sexist, and just plain lame brained attacks levelled at my unrequited sweetheart columnist & queen of the bloggers Michelle Malkin.

After reading some of the nasty little e-mails sent by some supposed members of the 'enlightened' and 'progressive' political left I have come to some conclusions.
  1. Moonbats can't compose a thought without using various 4 letter words.
  2. 'Liberal Progressive' must be some Earthling code for 'Moronic Racist.'
  3. Moonbats feel threatened by intelligent debate, especially when it comes from an attractive and intelligent member of an ethnic minority.

Well, I've decided that the only way to properly communicate with these creatures is to communicate with them at their level. So I've picked some of the nastier folks featured in Michelle's article and send them each a personal message in the same sort of crude language they can easily understand.

Be warned, the following language is not for the prudish, or faint of heart.

Joe Smith joejoe90211@yahoo.com

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that you're political stance is a total snarg-fondler that smells like reheated pongo-waste products.

NorthCentralGuy@aol.com NorthCentralGuy@aol.com

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that you have the same understanding of politics as an Antares Nerf-herder who enjoys sexual congress with a spiny-backed hoppleflotter.

Michael McPherson michaelmc123@comcast.net

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that you possess the intelligence and linguistic skills of a sack of Trinuvellian dung spores. Because only someone that fargle-brained thinks racist and sexist abuse is a fitting substitute for facts in a political debate.

outorsafe@adelphia.net outorsafe@adelphia.net

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that you possess the same sensitivity to those who are different, and in some cases, more evolved than you, of a Ungeranjian slime-sucker.

James Ventura jvent68@yahoo.com

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that your anatomical knowledge, vocabulary, and grammar skills are the same as your understanding of politics, which has the same value as a steaming pile of freshly shed Ariellian frog-shagger crust.

Steve McQueen michellemalkintraitorous@hotmail.com

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that you have the same ability to tell publicly released data apart from private data as a Snarglefarging wombletusk. And someone who shows the same maturity as an infantile Wart-groper shouldn't tell anyone to grow-up. And PS, she's not a princess, she should be a queen!

Jake Daab JBD jaked1963@yahoo.com

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that you can't tell the difference between data, about & publicly released by adults, from private data about children. That makes you a reprehensible excuse for a slimerolling Zardozian slug-boner.

Craig Mayor trilevel@shaw.ca

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that you are as much, if not a bigger Zardozian slug-boner than the last fellow. Threatening children is the last refuge of the cowardly Thrombollian sewer-roach.

J. Beeson emg@cox.net

Your message to Mrs Malkin proves that your arguments are as dumb as a snargle-faced dungeater from the planet Scummulla IV. You can't even remember the nasty insults you wrote at the beginning of your e-mail. You must have the attention span of a Tarnallovian feces-flea.

And finally, for all so-called 'Liberal Progressives' who immediately resort to childish, offensive, racist, sexist and threatening language when it comes to people you don't agree with, I have this simple message:


Sorry you had to read that folks, but it had to be said.


Gotta problem that only the wisdom of your alien overlords can solve?

Click here and leave a plea for help.


The MoxArgon Group Cares...

Do you have a problem that only the vast interstellar wisdom of the MoxArgon can solve?

If so, leave a message in our PLEAS section and if you're lucky you'll be featured the next time we open up my mail-sac.

Why are we doing this?

It's because we care.


No not really, it's because we like to laugh at the expense of less evolved creatures and their petty little problems.

Now leave a question now! Your future Lord & Master commands you!


Intergalactic Roundtable 4

MOXARGON: Welcome to a special edition of the MoxArgon Group. If you're new to this, I'm Remulak MoxArgon, your future conqueror and lord and master. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE PUNY EARTHLINGS. Joining me and my regular panelists, Xran the Fleshrender, Android Cai/7, and Varos Quasar, are a pair normally doing their own Point/Counterpoint segment Tektak F. Mechanoid, and Snotglob the Mutant. First issue: Iran and the Atomic Bomb. This past week saw the Iranians have a celebration in honor of their first production of enriched uranium.

SNOTGLOB: Big deal, I poop enriched uranium.

TEKTAK: It's true, we have to share a washroom and a certain someone, who shall remain nameless, doesn't believe in air freshener.

MOXARGON: Let's move back to the issue at hand. Xran?

XRAN: I was able to catch some pics from their celebration and to be honest I found it a little creepy. What kind of a morally bankrupt culture celebrates development of weapons material...

MOXARGON: I celebrate new weapons all the time.

XRAN: Let me finish my point. What kind of a screwed up culture celebrates a new weapon with a show featuring only male dancers? I saw some of the pics and there wasn't a single hot babe in them.

MOXARGON: Now I see your point. When I celebrate a new genocidal superweapon I always have lots of hot chicks in the musical numbers.

ANDROID CAI/7: Celebrating genocidal weaponry is illogical. My philosophy has always been to just build it, use it, and get the corpses recycled as quickly as possible.

MOXARGON: Where's the fun in that? I mean, aside from the giddy thrill derived from the destruction of your enemies.

VAROS: I remember when you premiered the Trillium-X Planet Smasher. That was one hell of a party.

MOXARGON: You and that green haired dancer looked like you were ready to enjoy some giddy thrills of your own.

ANDROID CAI/7: Not everything in the universe is about cheap thrills.

MOXARGON: A universe where people can't bring out the babes at every possible occasion is not the sort of universe I care to live in.

SNOTGLOB: Wait a minute. Why are you people going on about genocidal weapons? President Ahmadinejad said that they're enriching uranium strictly for peaceful purposes. (Everyone laughs, except Snotglob)

VAROS: That's freaking priceless.

SNOTGLOB: What's so funny?

TEKTAK: Oh Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut.

MOXARGON: Let's move onto the next issue. The government of France did what it does best, it surrendered to the demands of rioting students who were fighting for their right to hog all the available and to make small businesses financially unfeasible. What do you think?

XRAN: They turned down my suggestion. Add an amendment to the law replacing the right to fire employees with the right to kill ones that displease you. It's a standard clause among interstellar space pirates, but they just looked at me funny.

VAROS: Earthlings are funny that way. I hope the students are happy, because with the way things are going they'll be under Sharia law in about ten years, and I don't know the Sharia employment policy is.

TEKTAK: I think it involves cutting off hands or burning unruly employees alive, everything in Sharia seems to have that.

ANDROID CAI/7: Chirac should have had the rioting students gassed and their corpses processed into Soylent Green.

SNOTGLOB: That's barbaric. Simply round them up and implant brainworms into their heads to make them more obedient. Everything goes better with brainworms.

MOXARGON: If Chirac goes with Android Cai/7's plan that Soylent Green better be Halal. Next issue: Comedy Central censored an episode of South Park because it promised a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed. They claim they did it out of respect for religion, but they didn't censor a scene involving Jesus defecating on George Bush. Thus proving that not only are they cowards, they are also hypocrites of the first odor. What do you think?

XRAN: Hypocrites and cowards.

VAROS: I would like to qualify my answer by defining them as slimy, ass-kissing, cowardly hypocrites.

TEKTAK: I'm with Varos.

ANDROID CAI/7: One word: Wussies.

SNOTGLOB: Come on. Islam is one of the most vilified religions in the world simply because a small minority of its adherents want to kill everyone and plunge the world into a new dark age of mass slaughter and repression, and the majority of its adherents are offended when people associate them with terrorism and oppression, yet do nothing to change that association other than complain about non-Muslims criticizing the terrorists and killers...

MOXARGON: Do you have a point there Snotglob, you're starting to ramble.

SNOTGLOB: Yes. My point is...

TEKTAK: The point is, if you want the MSM conglomerates to respect your beliefs you must threaten to kill them all.

SNOTGLOB: That's not it. It's... uh.... what were we talking about....

MOXARGON: That brings us to the botched NBC Dateline sting that hoped to catch NASCAR fans being racist toward undercover 'stunt Muslims.'

VAROS: I can see NBC's point, I showed up at a NASCAR event and some rednecks shot at me, if that's not racism I don't know what is.

MOXARGON: It wasn't racism when they shot at you.

VAROS: Why do you say that?

MOXARGON: It's not racism when you crash your spaceship into the track and come out drunk as a Sarpeelian dribblemouth firing your plasma rifle in all directions.

VAROS: That's my culture's idea of fun, if they are too racist to accept it, then it's they're problem, not mine.

MOXARGON: And now for the purpose of ratings, we're going to be moving on to sex and celebrities. Tom Cruise announced that he and brood-mare Katie Holmes have "really great sex."

XRAN: They're the poster children for birth control.

VAROS: I wonder how she's able to stop him from jumping up and down on the furniture to get any procreation done.

TEKTAK: I can't get over Tom's wacky religious beliefs. Xenu isn't behind all of humanity's problems, he retired several millennia ago and hasn't done anything but play golf and make those little miniature ships in bottles.

MOXARGON: I had lunch with him the other day. He's really let himself go.

TEKTAK: That's my point. All of humanity's problems are caused by humanity. That and bacteria... and you know... weather and earthquakes and crap like that...

MOXARGON: We get the point. This should get a reaction. Actor Michael Douglas says that he turns on his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones by speaking like Richard Burton.

SNOTGLOB: Eeew, gross, and I live in a sludge pit.

XRAN: You bastard! Now you've stuck an image of Michael Douglas's doughy old ass in my head!

VAROS: I think I'm going to be sick.

ANDROID CAI/7: I think it is a logical tactic for biological congress. She gets stimulated and he gets some extra time for the viagra to kick in.

XRAN: Great, now I'm no longer thinking about his ass but his...

MOXARGON: That's enough horror for tonight. Let's move onto another topic.

TEKTAK: How's your hunt for a queen of Earth going?

MOXARGON: Not well. I've only received a few silly suggestions so far.

XRAN: Why did you break up with Angelina Jolie?

MOXARGON: She's beautiful and crazy, a combo I can't resist, but I couldn't take her anywhere. We'd stop on some planet and the next thing I know she's picked up some orphan looking at me with puppy-dog eyes and asking if we could keep it. It was just too much to handle. That and every time I looked at her I saw the back of Billy Bob Thornton's head. Shudder. Let's call it a night, so goodbye Earthlings for now, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

ATTENTION PUNY EARTHLINGS!: Got a problem that only the vast intellects of the MoxArgon group can solve then go here and obey your instructions.


Illegal/Illogical 2.0


Greetings puny Earthlings, I have just one question to ask the illegal immigrant population of the United States of America.

Are you insane?

Didn't I warn you in my last message that you will not win the hearts and minds of American citizens with all that crazy talk of Aztlan, communist revolution, and reconquista?

Didn't I explain in simple terms that even an Earthling could understand that such talk will only result in your own deportation at least, and your total destruction at most?

Did you listen to me?

Apparently not, because there are pictures like these out there. (hat tip Michelle Malkin)

Loud declarations of Mexican supremacy over the United States is not an intelligent message to give out when your intention is to stay in the USA because Mexico is such a lousy country.

The use of ethnic slurs are not an intelligent tactic, unless you're looking to get some slurs or worse sent at you as part of some illogical desire for victimhood.

And what is with the use of the image of a homphobic, racist, terrorist and mass murderer like Che Guevera as the icon of your movement?

Do you wish to lose what few rights you already have and end up in the same sort of slave labour camps he built in Cuba, or do you admire how he completely destroyed the Cuban economy?

Look for a minute at who is helping you organize these mass protests. Chief among them is the group International ANSWER. ANSWER is an organisation that never met a dictator they didn't like, look at this list of some of the people supported by ANSWER:

Slobodan Milosevic

Kim Jong-Il

Saddam Hussein

Yassir Arafat

Robert Mugabe

Fidel Castro

What do they have in common?

They all either rule or recently ruled countries they crippled or completely destroyed with their incompetence, greed, brutality, corruption, and just plain stupidity.

Is that what you really want?

If it is, then why did you leave Mexico? You can just as easily starve there as you can in your dream state of Aztlan.

So, for the last time, smarten up and profess a little appreciation for the country that hasn't gassed, shot, or vaporized you... yet.

I am using the term yet for a very specific reason. You illegal immigrants might think you're standing up for your rights, but you're really being set up for a brutal fall by your supposed "allies."

They are using you and all that Reconquista Aztlan talk to force the majority of Americans into acting out a major and possibly violent backlash against your people so the folks at ANSWER can use it as an excuse to go around griping about how awful America is.

They are putting you out there and painting a big fat target on your collective behind, and you are not only taking it, you are actually welcoming it.

If I had emotions and hair, I would be screaming in frustration and pulling them out at this act of illogical self-inflicted genocide.

So everyone, please listen to this humble android. I have an IQ score of 7,654,090 and I've been studying your planet for centuries. Americans know the dangers of uncontrolled illegal immigration, they saw what happened to the Navajo, Sioux, and Iroquois, and they will do drastic things to prevent it from happening to them.

Smarten up and stop letting these moonbat radicals set your agenda, if only for your own safety.

Do not make me come down there.


PS: To the Democratic Party of the USA. Posters like this will definitely get you completely wiped out in Texas.

If you knew a little history you will remember that a war was fought by Texans to make themselves, first independent, and then part of the USA. They will not take kindly to you symbolically offering it up to Mexico as some sort of bribe for the illegal immigrant vote.

Texans have guns.

Lots of guns.

And they are not afraid to use them.






Last week the Earthling empire of the United States of America witnessed huge and illogical protests over some proposed legislation calling for the enforcement of already existing laws. This issue at the heart of this controversy is what is called "Illegal immigration" by the Earthlings.

For those of you who are new to the issues of the planet Earth, illegal immigration is when people of one poor country sneak into a richer country in order to find employment in direct violation of the host country's laws regulating such behaviour. Hence, illegal immigration.

Now this is where the part that does not compute comes in.

The majority of Americans are the descendants of immigrants, so deep down they may feel some sympathy for the plight of innocent people whose only desire is to work hard and build better lives for their families.

However, you do not win Earthling hearts and minds by doing this:

Now declaring that you'll "take back" a large portion of your host country through most likely violent revolution and make it part of some delusional third world empire has to be the dumbest, most illogical, strategy I have seen since Golok the Skinreaver attacked the Flokian Crimson Armada with two ships and a petunia inserted in his rectum for luck.

Now any sympathy the Earthling Americans have had for their illegal immigrant cousins is now deader than Golok the Skinreaver. Plus all this talk of Aztlan, the Reqonquista and such, will not help the cause of illegal immigrant rights, it will cause the exact opposite. In fact, if these groups actually attempt to bring about their mad dream of the Kingdom of Aztlan they will most likely be massacred faster than an alien who thinks a petunia in his backside will protect him from a plasma cannon.

Look at the facts:

United States of America: World's premiere hyper-power with nuclear weaponry, a highly trained and battle-hardened military, advanced technology, immense wealth, and a civilian populace that's better armed than most countries.

Mexico and the Reconquista Movement: Mexico is nation rich in national resources, but trapped in a never ending cycle of poverty thanks to the never-ending machinations of its political elite. It is crippled by corruption, crime, violence and governmental incompetence. To paraphrase my associat Xran, they couldn't organise a shag in a bordello.

Mexico couldn't hold onto Texas when all that stood against them was a handful of Gringo farmers and some guy with a dead raccoon on his head, how can they be expected to reconquer the American Southwest without being smashed into atoms?

Let's go on a wild trip of the imagination and posit the unlikely possibility* that you actually succeed in conquering the American Southwest without being nuked beyond the stone-age.

What would happen then?

I'll tell you what will happen, thanks to my tri-definition alternate-dimensional flux-agitation viewer. It allows me to look into all possible alternate realities without getting off my recharge unit. Now it took me a long time to find a dimension where this crazy dream actually worked, and here's what happened there:

The same corrupt political elite that has made Mexico the basket case of North America will immediately get to work turning Aztlan into the next basket case. All the rights, freedoms, comforts, and economic opportunities enjoyed by illegal immigrants in America will be gone.

With the Aztlan economy crippled like Mexico's, the Aztlan people will then start sneaking across the border into what's left of America, looking for work and to avoid starvation. Of course, hardened by the loss of the Southwest, the remaining United States initiate a less forgiving policy than simple deportation.

Those illegal immigrants who somehow get past the landmines, laser armed hunter-killer probes, and genetically engineered guard velociraptors, will be summarily executed, as well as all those who smuggle and hide them. The method of execution: the illegals and their accomplices will be fired back across the Aztlan border head-first by a massive trebuchet or catapult.

Is that what you really want?

If America's Illegal Immigrant population is serious about their rights and really wanted to show respect for their host country, they'd ditch those Aztlan and La Raza people like a rancid enchilada. And when they protest for their rights they shouldn't wave signs praising the country whose poor & corrupt leadership forced them to become criminals in a strange land. Instead they should have been waving Yankee flags and singing "God Bless America" in English. Showing gratitude and love for your host nation is the best way to win the hearts and minds of Americans and to avoid the dreaded catapult back home.

And the next time those political hacks start ranting and raving about Aztlan and rejoining Mexico, you should ask them and yourselves:

"What has Mexico ever done for us?"

America is the land of opportunity and its people can be very accepting of immigrants, but only if those immigrants are accepting of what it takes to be American.

So smarten up and thank your deity that you are in a country that hasn't enslaved you, fired you off a catapult, or fed you to their genetically engineered velociraptors.

*actual odd of success for the Reconquista: 1 in 1,454,909,342,987, 989.45.