Episode #4: Time to open MoxArgon's Mail-Sac!

MOXARGON: Greetings puny Earthlings. In the two Earth weeks since we’ve started this site we have received many of your primitive e-mails from our readers. And since there's so little political news to mock, we at the MoxArgon Group are taking some time to answer your communications, and we are joined by our Point/Counterpoint colleagues, Snotglob and TekTak. Our first letter is from Dr. Otto Theremin of something called the U-Ro-Pee-On Space Agency. He asks:

Mr. Moxargon, are the members of your panel carbon based, or silicone based? And what are your intentions for our planet? Do you come in peace?

These Earthlings sure are a curious bunch. So full of questions, it's almost cute. Since we're a fairly diverse group let's all take a crack at answering his question. Panel: Carbon, or Silicone?

ANDROID CAI/7: Silicone.

XRAN: Carbon.

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

SNOTGLOB: Like Drone 9099 just said, I'm a little of column A, and a little of column B.

TEKTAK: Some silicone, but mostly a composite of tryboltic alloys.

MOXARGON: And I'm composed almost entirely of chlorine and some pudding. Now panel, what would you say are our intentions toward Earth?

ANDROID CAI/7: We most definitely come in peace. You have nothing to be concerned about.

XRAN: Stop it you're killin' me. And who says androids don't have a sense of humour.

MOXARGON: That is a good one. I hope we answered your questions and calmed your fears Dr. Theremin. Our next letter comes from someone named Radioactive-Fitch. It reads:

I know who you really are! I used your links to prove that you’re really -----------, so never underestimate the human race.

Panel, what are your responses to Radioactive Fitch?

ANDROID CAI/7: Sounds like he’s tracked down one of your Earthling slaves.

XRAN: Yeah, the one with the parasite you planted in his brain after you stole his blogroll.

MOXARGON: Yes, it’s a bit of a pickle. Plus we’ve been getting reports that the brain parasite’s suffering from alcohol poisoning. What should we do with this overly curious Earthling?

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

TEKTAK: I have to agree with the Dalek. Perhaps we should atomize his home city with a barrage of Tri-Nucleonic warheads?

SNOTGLOB: That’s barbaric. We have the technology for a precision strike that will keep the collateral damage down to a few thousand people.

MOXARGON: All interesting points. However, I’ve decided to be magnanimous in this issue. I think a simple alien abduction and memory wipe will suffice.

XRAN: Can I just add some advice to Radioactive Fitch. Try not to squirm when you get the anal probe, there’ll be fewer side effects.

MOXARGON: Plus, he should know that someone is never wrong when it comes to underestimating the human race. Next letter. This one comes from a Professor Nome Chump-skee and it reads:

Most felicitous salutations to our Extra Terrestrial Observers. What is your determination on the fylfot worshipping suzerainty of Israeli marionette George W. Bush? Does his parvanimity and carnality to macerate this planetoid make you furibund or does it macarize your emotional matrix? I solicit to asseverate that I idiosyncratically am very aristarchian in my disposition to Bush and his lenocinant and nidorant asportation of our nation and our niddering media, and I’m speaking for the whole terrestrial sphere, not just linquacious lexiphanic paltripolitans like myself.

All right… Android CAI/7, how many languages do you have in your database?

ANDROID CAI/7: Twenty seven billion.

MOXARGON: Do you know what he was talking about?

ANDROID CAI/7: Sorry. His language does not compute.

MOXARGON: Somebody read the next letter. That last one made me dizzy.

XRAN: Our next letter comes from a human called Coffee An-Ham. It reads:

What do you suggest we do with Ambassador Bowl-Ton?

Well, have you considered jumping him in the Security Council and eating his skin? That normally works for me.

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

SNOTGLOB: That’s your solution to everything. Can’t Coffee An-Ham find a diplomatic solution and just implant a mind-control device in his mustache? There’s plenty of room in there.

TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut. I have read extensively on this Bowl-Ton, and he’s a grave threat to the United Nations and its plans for global domination. He wants to restrict or completely ban the United Nation’s sex-slavery, bribery, and embezzlement programs, and he’s insisting that people who sit in judgement of so-called "Human Rights" actually believe in the existence of human rights. How can the United Nations become the Empire it desires to be, when it can’t enjoy the perks of imperial rule?

SNOTGLOB: You mean he’s actually representing the interests of his sub-planetary empire? Then he must be stopped.

MOXARGON: Our next letter comes from a reader called Damian Conservathink, and it reads:

Just what is your real name anyway? PS: Do you know the URL of the site that has video of monkeys doing it?

I can’t tell you much about the monkeys, but I can assure you that my name really is Remulak MoxArgon. Remulak is a word in my language that means "fearless warrior."

XRAN: I thought your name meant 'dainty flower?'

MOXARGON: Maybe the memory wipers should make two stops this week?

XRAN: No, wait, I was thinking of Snotglob.

SNOTGLOB: You bastard!

TEKTAK: I think the web-site you’re looking for is this one.

MOXARGON: Our next e-mail is from a human-female named Michelle Malkin. It has two question and it reads:

Dear Remulak:
How come Snotglob is so reasonable for a liberal?

Snotglob, why are you so reasonable for a liberal?

SNOTGLOB: I guess a creature born from irradiated fecal matter is somehow more intellectually evolved than the average Earth moonbat.

MOXARGON: Her second question is:

Remulak, why are you so damn sexy, and do you like human female columnists?

Oh, this is actually a three question letter. Well, I think my sex-appeal is basically the result of good genetic engineering, and as for liking human female columnists, let’s just say that I like to keep an open mind, if you know what I mean. Nudge-nudge-wink-wink.

ANDROID CAI/7: Something does not compute. The second part of that e-mail is written in your own handwriting.

MOXARGON: Ooh, look at the time. We have to sign off for now. Keep the e-mails coming. It’ll help us sort out who will be made into slaves, and who will be processed into food. Until next time, keep watching the skies, because we’ll be watching you.



Ask about our half-price death machine special!
MOXARGON: Greetings and welcome to a special edition of The MoxArgon Group. Today the communications systems of the Earthlings are all talking about a religious elder named Pat SonofRobert who has publicly called for the assassination of the Warlord UgoChav-Hez, who rules the petroleum mines of Venus-Wayla. What do you think panel?

ANDROID CAI/7: It strikes me as an illogical gesture on the part of SonofRobert. As far as I know, those humans are so technologically backward they can barely reach their own moon, let alone engage in a military strike against a planet as distant as Venus. Unless this SonofRobert has a faster than light hyper-drive hidden under his pulpit, his whole speech does not compute as anything more than a desperate cry for attention.

MOXARGON: What do you think Xran?

XRAN: It's also incredibly stupid for a prominent citizen of a major planetary empire to go out in public and call for the assassination of a rival warlord. If he really wanted UgoChav-Hez dead he wouldn't have said anything. He'd have just slain his enemy, feasted upon his skin and entrails, and left all the talk for after he was done. What's the point of putting UgoChav-Hez on his guard, unless you're just an old crank who thinks his collection plate's been too light lately.

MOXARGON: Good point. Dalek Drone 9099, your thoughts?

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON: Excellent point. Of course there's something you're all missing. SonofRobert has put Overlord DubyaBush in an uncomfortable position. If he was planning a strike against Venus-Wayla and its Warlord, then the plan's blown, and any action would make UgoChav-Hez either into a martyr or a hero. SonofRobert's probably saved UgoChav-Hez's life with his comments.

ANDROID CAI/7: Maybe they're in some secret alliance together? One for protection from his rivals, the other for attention and donations for his temple.

MOXARGON: An intriguing theory.

XRAN: I say that Overlord DubyaBush should have both men seized and taken to his White Castle. Then he should rip out both their hearts with his bare hands and feast upon them while they watch with dying eyes. That way he's done with both of them, and has a good meal at the same time.

MOXARGON: Oh, Xran, you're turning into a real old softie. I'll have to leave you with the last word because that's all the time we have for now. Until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.



The MoxArgon Group
Arbock's Photon Cannons
When it absolutely, positively has to be blown to bits, trust Arbock's!

From the Left

of the Mutant Morning News

From the Right
of the Galactic Overlord Review

TEKTAK: Controversy still abounds in the sub-planetary empire of Great Britain over Imperial Viceroy TonBlair's decision to expell people whose statements he considers a threat to the stability of the Empire.

SNOTGLOB: And Viceroy TonBlair thinks he runs a civilised nation. It's utterly babaraic to expell someone for mere speaking treason. Also, it's also very troublesome with the Earthling's level of technology to take them up into space and then expell them from the airlock. You're supposed to save such punishments for your more active traitors.

TEKTAK: Snotglob, you ignorant hermaphrodite slut. He's not expelling them from airlocks. He's merely sending them back to the country's they were originally from.

SNOTGLOB: That's it?

TEKTAK: That's it.

SNOTGLOB: That's hardly controversial.

TEKTAK: Goes to show you should read your notes before you start shooting your mandibles off.

SNOTGLOB: Stick it up your hard drive tin-head. Look, all he's doing is sending them back to the countries they were born in?

TEKTAK: That's right.

SNOTGLOB: You're not just yanking my tail here. That's it?

TEKTAK: That's it. No airlocks, no plasma cannon firing squads, and no flesh eating Thulian blood worms. He's just sending them back to their countries of origin.

SNOTGLOB: Okay, then let me get this straight. These people who the Viceroy is expelling are from other countries, they move to his country, live off his country's welfare system, enjoy his country's many freedoms, and then instead of making a constructive contribution to this country, they instead call for its destruction?

TEKTAK: Exactly.

SNOTGLOB: Why move to Viceroy TonBlair's country if all you're going to do is badmouth it?

TEKTAK: I've been asking that same question.

SNOTGLOB: Now that I think about it, Viceroy TonBlair's being kinda wussy.

TEKTAK: If you think that's wussy, he still allows JorjGall-Away to sit in his Imperial Council.

SNOTGLOB: Now that's just plain nuts.





MOXARGON: Good day puny humanoids. I'm Remulax MoxArgon and joining me are my regular panelists, Android CAI/7, Xran the FleshRender, and Dalek Drone 9099. Today the issue is immigration. The Empire of the United States of America is apparently awash in immigrants. Immigrants that display no loyalty to their Empire or to its Overlord, and often work against its interests and in some cases aiding those who seek to destroy it. Where do these immigrants come from? They come from Earth's moon, and they are called Moonbats. Panel, what do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7: The behaviour of these moonbats does not compute, and nor does the behaviour of their host empire. The American Empire gives these moonbats well paying jobs in the mainstream propaganda media, educational institutions, politics, and entertainment, showers them with privileges and then these moonbats suddenly declare support for forces who seek to forcibly decapitate the very people who bestow their privileged lives on them. It is highly illogical and does not compute.

XRAN: I have to differ with the Android on one point here. Maybe the point these moonbats are trying to make is that any society that rewards beings with minimal talent, skills or intelligence deserves to be destroyed. And maybe this society desires some sort of cultural suicide by granting so much power to those who who seek their destruction?

MOXARGON: An intriguing point. What do you think Drone-9099?

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON: An interesting point, but it's actually more befitting the next part of this topic. What should the American Empire do with these moonbats? CAI/7?

ANDROID CAI/7: I think the American Empire should correct the problem and close the floodgate that was opened by their manned missions to their moon over 30 cycles ago. I propose mass deportations of these moonbats back to their home sattelite.

XRAN: Earth's moon is now a lifeless rock. You can't send them back, they'll all die. That's the kind of cold and merciless thinking one finds coming from a sack of circuitry like you.

ANDROID CAI/7: Since I have no emotions your pitiful meatsack attempts to insult me will fail.

MOXARGON: What do you propose Xran?

XRAN: First thing is that we shouldn't let a potential resource like these moonbats go to waste with a silly deportation plan. I say round them all up and place them all in special moonbat preserves. There they can maintain their self-destructive culture without endangering the rest of the empire.

MOXARGON: How exactly will keeping them in special preserves put them to constructive use?

XRAN: Isn't it obvious. We'll process them for their nutitional value.

ANDROID CAI/7: How do you propose to do that? Processing even semi-sentient beings like moonbats is a difficult task.

XRAN: We'll simply subvert some Alpha moonbats like Michael Moore to lead them into the meat proccessing centres. These moonbats follow their alphas like Norwellian rock slugs, so that and the promise of free lattes and half-price Noam Chomsky books will keep them compliant.

MOXARGON: You've both come up with some interesting points. We'll have to keep our eyes on Overlord DubyaBush to see just which path he picks on this issue. So until then, keep watching the skies, because we'll be watching you.


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MOXARGON: GREETINGS PUNY EARTHLINGS! You should be honoured to witness the first episode of the MoxArgon Group. Where the fiercest warlords, conquerors and tyrants in the Six Galaxies gather to pass judgement on the miserable urine stain on the blanket of the universe that you call a planet. You can learn more about our distinguished panelists by clicking on their pictures, if your primitive siminian brains can even grasp that concept. Now, our first issue. The forces of the United States of America is occupying the country of Iraq. What do you think of the job they're doing so far? Android CAI/7?

ANDROID CAI/7: I have to say that I'm disappointed in the way this entire conquest has been handled. First they allowed the civilian population to to live. Then they didn't enslave the population to labour for the rest of their lives in the petroleum mines these humans seem so fond of. The policy of these Americans and their Overlord DubyaBush does not compute.

XRAN: I find myself forced to agree with the robot. Though he did forget to mention that Overlord DubyaBush actually allowed the people of their new vassal state to hold elections without demanding to eat the brains of the firstborn of every family that wants to vote. What in the name of the twelve hells of Blek is all that about? I mean where's the fleash-eating and blood-drinking? Are these Americans insane, or are they just stupid? What do you think Dalek Drone-9909?

DRONE-9909: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON: I couldn't have put it better myself Drone-9909 Omega. Now I must say that it's time for...

TEKTAK: Cindy Sheehan is a subject of the American State who is calling for the overthrow of OverLord DubyaBush, accusing him of 'murdering' her son.
SNOTGLOB: Did he kill him?
TEKTAK: Not really. Apparently these American humanoids actually volunteer to fight the enemies of the state. Her son volunteered and was killed in battle with the enemy. She is now going around accusing Overlord DubyaBush of murder and demanding his removal by some method that involves peaches. Part of her claims is that the Overlord lied in order to start the war to please some sort of super-overlord called Da Joos. All that sounds kind of crazy, because I looked it up and Da Joos has only a tiny little pisspot of country that doesn't even have any petroleum mines. Hardly the place to lord over a Class 3 planetary superpower.
SNOTGOB: Speaking from my three hearts I must say that I sympathise with her grief, having lost several hatchlings myself.
TEKTAK: From a war?
SNOTGOB: No, I got a little hungry... anyway, If she's that mad at America Overlord DubyaBush, then she should put away her protest signs and challenge the Overlord to single combat armed with Tykrellian disembowelling blades, and settle this once and for all.
TEKTAK: An interesting suggestion, but I suspect that their culture frowns on ritual blood feuds. Besides, I'm more interested in how the Overlord handles this issues. I suggest arresting her and feeding her alive to a horde of Zygothian flesh maggots.
SNOTGOB: That's just the sort of cruel and harsh thinking one finds on the right wing of the galaxy. Just because they can't settle their differences with a blood feud doesn't give them the right to be savages.
TEKTAK: Then what do you suggest the Overlord do with dissenters like her?
SNOTGOB: One shot with a plasma rifle will vaporise the annoying female instantly. Quick, painless, and the dust left over can be used to season your Prillsac soup.
TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! You can't coddle dissenters like that! If you make their deaths painless then the traitors have won. Besides, would this human female be getting the same amount of attention if she demanded some right of blood vengeance against the person who actually killed her son?
SNOTGOB: Probably not. This human subspecies called 'The Moonbat' apparently turns on its own kind when attacked by an outside enemy.
TEKTAK: That's not very smart from an evolutionary standpoint.
SNOTGOB: It'll be so much easier when the Earthlings figure out how to mass clone their soldiers.
MOXARGON: That's all the time we have tonight. So, good night puny Earthlings and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.