Point/Counterpoint: Peacemaking & Thanksgiving?

TEKTAK: Good day puny Earthlings, it is time for another edition of Point/Counterpoint. From the Right, I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid.

SNOTGLOB: And from the left I'm Snotglob the Mutant.

TEKTAK: This past week saw the rescue of the three surviving Christian Peacemakers taken hostage in Iraq by a terrorist group called the Swords of Righteousness Brigades...

SNOTGLOB: I object to that!

TEKTAK: Object to their rescue?

SNOTGLOB: Yes, but I also really object to your use of the word terrorist. Those people are not terrorists, they are insurgents, they are the resistance, they are freedom fighters!

TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! Freedom fighters don't blow up markets, kidnap innocent people, beheading most of them, and kill schoolteachers. Do any of those things and you're a terrorist in my book and deserve to be slowly vaporized.

SNOTGLOB: According to you logic, you're a terrorist.

TEKTAK: Damn right, and I've never claimed to be anything else. Unlike these so-called 'Peacemakers' what a load of semi-gelatinized farflenards.

SNOTGLOB: These people do good work.

TEKTAK: Those people don't do anything worth the plasma to blast them into orbit. Real peacemakers work to bring two sides in a conflict together to end the conflict without violence, giving fear or favor to either side. These Christian Peacemaker Teams take sides, and they always seem to take the side of violent fascism.

SNOTGLOB: That's a rather harsh judgment.

TEKTAK: Sometimes harsh is necessary. These pseudo-pacifists are being treated as heroes when they're in fact idiots being used by vile killers to promote their causes. The Christian Peacemaker Teams have supported Saddam Hussein, the Taliban of Afghanistan, the Colombian Narco-terrorist group FARC, the PLO, Hamas, and every other pro-fascist anti-western cause in the book. If they were truly Christian and Peacemakers they'd be trying to end the ongoing slaughter of Christians in Nigeria, Pakistan, and the Sudan.

SNOTGLOB: If these things are truly happening, I'm sure the Christian Peacemaker Teams would be doing something about it.

TEKTAK: They are happening you dimwitted slarg-herder! Yet the Christian Peacemakers refuse to even acknowledge that they're happening. They won't even acknowledge the torture and murder of their colleague Tom Fox by their captors. Hell, they prefer to say that they were 'released' by the Swords of Righteousness Brigades rather than thank the Coalition Armed Forces who rescued them. People like the Christian Peacemakers have their own dictionary, one where 'gratitude' comes after 'gimme' and 'gotcha.'

SNOTGLOB: If the Coalition hadn't taken down Saddam there wouldn't have been a problem.

TEKTAK: No, there would just be a completely different problem for them to blame the Americans, like the continuation of the sanctions and the no-fly zones that were denying Saddam the genocide he so dearly wanted. Here are some questions I would like the Christian Peacemakers to answer. Why do they always rant about so-called 'atrocities' committed by the West, yet ignore the all too real atrocities committed by Islamists and communists? Why won't they acknowledge the torture and murder of their colleague? Why are dictators always right and democracies always wrong? Why does there definition of peace include opposition to self defense, but not to terrorism?

SNOTGLOB: The Left doesn't have to answer questions. If it did the Mainstream Media would be asking them. It can't be because they're biased morons.

TEKTAK: You know Snotglob, sometimes you make points and you don't even realize it. That's all for now folks, so be sure to check in soon for another edition of the MoxArgon Group.


InterGalactic Roundtable 3: Ports, Politics & Punditry.

MOXARGON- Welcome Puny Earthlings to another edition of the MoxArgon Group. There's a lot to talk about this week, and I'm joined by our regulars Android Cai/7, Xran the Fleshrender, and Varos Quasar. Good to see you all again. First topic: Iraq, civil war, or load of hogwash.

ANDROID CAI/7- Hogwash.

XRAN- Civil war.

VAROS- Somewhere in the middle.

MOXARGON- You're all wrong because it's a trick question. Iraq is, in fact, a country on the planet Earth.

XRAN- Grow up.

MOXARGON- Next issue. The Dubai Ports World plan to take over operation of six American ports is dead. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7- A most illogical display of political pandering on part of the people opposed to the deal. The Port of Miami has been run by Dubai Ports World for years without a problem. And if they can run Miami without problems, they're pretty much miracle workers.

XRAN- I opposed the deal. America's ports should be run by those best qualified to run them: Longshoremen's unions and the Mafia.

VAROS- What amazes me is that the deal was brokered by Bill Clinton, who apparently did it without the knowledge of his mate Hillary who publicly opposed the deal.

MOXARGON- Maybe that was the plan all along? Folks are going on about how it was a conspiracy to give control of the ports to Halliburton, but what if there was a different plan afoot. Bill's offered money to lobby on behalf of Dubai, Bill says yes, having never met a foreign currency he didn't like, he then sets up the deal, knowing full well that Hillary will oppose it in the Senate. This way they can pocket several hundred grand, give Hillary a chance to grandstand about security without actually doing anything to stop terrorism.

ANDROID CAI/7- That sounds most logical. I did find her claims about not knowing about her husband's business dealings hard to compute considering she has held his gonads in a vise for the past twenty odd years.

MOXARGON- Next issue. Bloggers are all up in arms because actor/smartass Richard Belzer appeared on Real Time with Bill Maher and declared that he knew more about the war in Iraq than the soldiers on the ground. Soldiers he characterized as stupid and ignorant.

ANDROID CAI/7- I am not at all surprised by Belzer's attitude. He's a rich, successful actor, they always think the seven stars of the Reptus Nebula shine out of their back passages.

XRAN- I don't know where these Hollywood folks get their information. Someone convinced Charlie Sheen that the Bush Administration somehow staged 9/11.

MOXARGON- I once convinced Charlie Sheen that Mount Rushmore was a natural rock formation, that doesn't make it true.

VAROS- What shocks me is that people were actually watching Bill Maher.

MOXARGON- Good point. Next issue. Two Harvard professors have come under fire for an 83 page paper they wrote claiming that America's secretly controlled by an Israeli conspiracy.

ANDROID CAI/7- What did they call it? The Protocols of the Elders of Harvard?

XRAN- They're being criticized by everyone. I hear that they're supported by various Neo-Nazis and Ku-Klux-Klan connected wingnuts like David Dukes. The anti-Semites need someone to put a pseudo-academic spin on their wacky beliefs since the Austrians locked up David Irving.

VAROS- I don't understand anti-Semites. What I've read about them they believe 'the Joos' are trying to take over the world. Why not let them? They can't possibly do worse than the other people who are trying to rule the world, and they might even do better. I say give them a shot.

MOXARGON- Interesting point. Although we wouldn't want them to do too good a job, especially when we come calling. Next issue. Students are rioting in France over legislation curbing the lifetime employment guarantees that kept their parents in wine and cigarettes. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7- If unemployment among young people is so high, then the French government should trim the youth herd a little. Vaporizing a few hundred thousand protesting university students would do the trick.

XRAN- There's nothing more French than fighting for your right to be a welfare bum.

VAROS- Actually, the segment of the under-30 population with the lowest unemployment are graduates of France's elite universities. These graduates tend to be white, 'pure-blood' French people. If this legislation goes into effect they run the risk of getting fired for trivial things like laziness and incompetence. This could lead to increased hiring of people outside their narrow socioeconomic/ethnic circle, thus ending their strangle-hold on the job market.

MOXARGON- I see what you're getting at, these students are fighting not for government handouts, but to keep France's immigrant population off the ladder to success.

VAROS- Exactly. Their fight is to keep the workplace white.

MOXARGON- Interesting point. This attitude also feeds the isolationism already inherent in France's Muslim population, thus fostering the influence of Al-Qaida who would love to see nothing more than to undo the work of Charles Martel and turn France into a province of their absolute caliphate.

XRAN- And where would those student protesters be after that?

MOXARGON- Probably hanging by their necks from lamp-posts. It's what I like to call a self-fulfilling idiocy. That's all the time we have for today. Check back soon and keep watching the skies.



Your future conqueror is looking for a queen to stand by his side when he finally conquers your puny little world. Submit your nominations here, and you might by yourself a ticket out of the Phlegm Pits.


Lookin' 4 Luv On All The Wrong Planets...



Greetings puny Earthlings, this time I come in peace... for now.

As you know the conquest of your planet, by me and my unstoppable intergalactic hordes, is inevitable.

You should accept it willingly, even greet it eagerly. My empire is unique in this universe and all the alternate dimensions, you can actually understand our tax laws.

But that's not why I'm here.

Since I will soon be your Supreme and Ultimate Ruler Whose Feces Are An Untramelled Delight I will require a queen, maybe several, of the female of your species.

If you're one of the two or three regular readers of this blog, you'll know that in the past I've pitched woo to Sex-cretary of State Condoleeza Rice and columnist Michelle Malkin. Sadly, both rejected my advances, one is married to her duty to her country and the other is married to some guy...


I'm looking for your suggestions over who should be my future queen when I finally put your puny world under my all powerful thumb. I figure I'll start with the romancing before the invading because I wanna know if she wants me for me, or because I just conquered her planet.

So folks start making with the suggestions. Supplicants who suggest a worthy queen, or queens, will win an great prize when I take over your world.

You will not be proccessed into cattle feed.

So let me have some names and I'll break out the flowers and the champagne.

UPDATE: I feel that I should put forward some simple criteria for potential queens. So before you suggest any names you should look at this checklist.

  • She shouldn't be too skanky. I don't mind a little seasoning, but if where's she's been freaks out someone who used to date Voginnia the Queen of the Altolussian Skank Pirates*, I'm not exactly interested.
  • She is not Hillary Clinton. Any Earthling who tries to pawn her off on me will end up spending the rest of their days as a slave in the mucus mines of Flemotrax Prime.
  • She must have a brain. That means that she can read and be capable of intelligent conversation. Nothing worse than a queen with the brain-power of an Crogelliflaxian Turnip.

Other than that I'm open to all races, creeds, hair colours and body types.

*namely me.

UPDATE 2.0: Okay folks, let's set a few more ground rules.

  • The candidates for my future queen must be between 18 to 40 Earth years of age. I ain't no R. Kelly.
  • They must be living.
  • They must be human females. (Remulak is strictly for the ladies if you know what I mean.)
  • Sense of humour preferable, but not essential.
  • They must be open minded about being courted by an alien intergalactic conqueror.