A Decree To My Minions!

Greetings puny Earthlings. Remulak MoxArgon here and I have a tactical command for my obedient minion in their ongoing battle over the Obamacare debacle. President Obama is holding his own "town hall" meetings where properly photogenic people can ask him all about how wonderful he, and his plans, are, and how he's going to save America from the big mean racists waving mythical swastikas around.

Well, let's stop calling these carefully staged events "town halls."

Town halls are where citizens and politicians gather to debate issues.

Obama's appearances are not debates.

So I decree that these events get a more accurate name.

I hereby declare these meeting to be GREENHOUSES.

Why?

Because they're full of PLANTS.

Now spread the word, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

GOTTA QUESTION

Then, puny Earthlings, you better leave it here.

Because the brightest brains in the Known Universe are gathering next week to answer them.

So if you're looking for answers that mere humanoid brains can't answer, then leave it in the comments.

All questions welcome, all answers will be final, correct, and brilliant.

Now get asking, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

A Message To The Obamas...

Greetings puny Earthlings, and particular greetings to President-Elect Barack Obama, who is currently in the market to get his kids a dog for their move to the White House.

Well, while the dog is a fine animal, it is a tad banal and predictable, so, in the spirit of bi-partisanship, I am offering suggestions for alternative pets. Hell, I'll even ship them one if they see one they like as a housewarming present.

First up...

THE RILL OF GAFFRAFLEX VIII

I had one of these growing up on Flokia Prime, mine was named "Fang," and I must say they are a wonderful companion. Easily house-trained, hypoallergenic, great with kids, and they will eat the flesh of your enemies. They do get a little big, about six of your metres tall, but they're still great pets.

Maybe your kids like fish, well why not go big, you are the Prez after all and get yourself a...

SWAMAXANAR OF ULARIA-MARINUS

Not as cuddly as a Rill, but still a wonderful pet. Low maintenance, will eat anything you toss in the tank. They do spit venom, so it's wise to where a face guard if you have seafood allergies, and when they die, at two metres in height, it's unwise to try to flush them down the toilet.

But if you want something a bit more dramatic and practical, then I can also suggest the...

JAGOFARTAGAN OF NEMERIA PRIME

One of the most popular pit monsters in the Known Universe. Just put one beneath a trap-door in the Oval Office, and when someone ticks you off, it's feeding time. They go into a sleeping dormant state when not being fed, and their waste-excretions are actually life extending for carbon or chlorine based life forms who regularly bath in it. The start off cute and small, but they do get big.

Now Mr. Obama, if you want to get any of these pets, then have them warm up the hyperwave transmitter at Area 51, and gimme a call.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

MoxArgon's Movie Moment.

Greetings puny Earthlings. Here's an interesting video from the good folks at PowerLine.




Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Smear My Dear

Barack Obama's campaign has started a website called Fightthesmears or something like that, and its purpose is to "debunk" the various and sundry "smears" put out by "the right-wing hate-machine," and its latest addition, the Hillary Campaign.

Since I am a firm believer in job creation and a member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, I have decided to make up a whole bunch of new smears for the Obama campaign to waste time debunking.

So let's get started:

- Barack Obama is NOT a secret Muslim. To be a secret Muslim would mean that he actually believes in something outside his own lust for power.

- If you trick him into saying Amabo Kcarab he will be whisked back to his home dimension.

- The change he pledges is a sex-change to be done before his inauguration so he claim to be both the first black, and female president.

- The hope he promises is for terrorists, dictators, and foreign oil plutocrats.

- Barack Obama joined Rev. Wright's church because the Reverend Jim Jones was dead.

- Obama's deepest fears are white Christians, Global Warming, that thing lurking in his closet, talk radio, Michelle Obama when she's mad, and the Smurfs.

- Obama thinks the Jewish Lobby is a room in the Israeli Embassy.

- Obama is planning to pull troops from Iraq and Afghanistan to send them on a new mission to hunt those "Little blue bastards" he's sure are lurking in mushroom patches the world over.

- Obama is going to conclude his acceptance speech at the Democratic convention by tearing off his mask, revealing his true identity as Jimmy Carter.

Do you have any similar smears to add to the soup?

Drop some in the comments and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

WFB- RIP

William F. Buckley, conservative thinker and founder of the National Review passed away.

His work compelled three generations of Earthlings to think. And not to think like him, but to think for themselves, which made the American conservative movement the big tent that it is today.

He will be missed.

1925-2008

ATTENTION PUNY EARTHLINGS!

Where was this picture taken?

And don't say Mars, I know it was Mars, I need exact coordinates!

You puny creatures have found my pet Booglenoob his name is Squinker and he's about 9 inches tall and likes cold barren planets.

He disappeared last week and I've been searching all over for him.

So if you have any information as to Squinker's whereabouts, please contact me and you may receive a reward.

Laying Down The Law Part 3: The Earthlings Speak

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's you future Lord and Master Remulak MoxArgon here, and I've been going through your suggestions for laws to be enacted when I bring your wretched little marble of a planet to heel.

So let's see what your puny little Earthling brains have come up with.

Fuloydo said...

What have you got to deal with frivolous lawsuits?

I'm thinking an extra time in the slammer for convicts trying to game the system, assuming they are trying to game the system and it's not a legitimate complaint.

For people not in jail....perhaps having to pay a minimum of 10% of what they were asking for to the people they tried to sue if they lose? Plus another 10% levied against the lawyer who took their case?

We have a very simple system in my empire, which is called the Known Universe. If a person files a lawsuit in good faith, because they honestly feel that they have been wronged, but the suit is found wanting, they may have to pay a portion of the defendant's legal fees if necessary.

If the suit is filed in bad faith, solely for the impoverishment of the defendant through a barrage of legal fees, they have to pay all of the defendant's legal bills, and then have the choice of being forced out an airlock or face the deadly Rancor in open combat armed only with a rubber band.

Only a fellow named McGyver escaped the Rancor.

Clever little bastard!

Next up is..

Smilin' Joe Fission said...

One out of every 5th person getting a welfare check is to be lined up and shot in the street as an incentive to get off of welfare.

Include WIC with it.

9 out of every 10 liberals taken care of the same way.

Oh primitive ignorant Earthlings.

You don't need to shoot anyone to inspire people to get off welfare.

Not when you have mind controlling brain-slugs to do it for you.

And I assume WIC is some local form of injury compensation on your planet, I can tell you that we don't have that at all. When you have android doctors capable of replacing limbs and organs, and restoring the horribly mangled to perfect health within 24 Earth hours, it's really not necessary.

And I shot 9 out of 10 liberals who will work in the mucus mines?

Have you thought of that?

I don't think you did.

Next up...

RememberSekhmet said...

IQ tests for computer ownership, to be administered by comptetent, experienced tech support.

I hope spelling isn't included in the test, because your spelling of competent would condemn you to using a Commodore 64.

Public flaying for all losers who try to impersonate veterans. Followed by a lemon-juice bath if above impersonation was done to defame actual troops.

So, you believe in being soft on phony veterans. We normally just put them in stocks installed beneath the public lavatories at our monthly chili cook-off.

Oh the screams coming from those holes after TekTak's Kosher Napalm Chili would scare the horns off Deimonas of Atreyu.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is appointed to head the prison system.

We're in contract negotiations with him, how did you guess?

Wyatt Earp said...

Would you consider hood-mounted plasma rifles for slow drivers ahead of you?

I have mine installed behind the headlights of my limo-transport. It only disintegrates the car, leaving the driver and passengers intact, so I can run them over as a lesson in good road etiquette. Though I don't think you Earthlings have the cranial capacity to use such tools wisely.

For now, you will only be permitted sonic disruptors, set to the 'brown note.'

Random Walker said...

The name Ron Paul will not be included in any political pool with the exception of the contest for the “Biggest Douche of the Universe”

Actually, he's only the 17th Biggest Douche in the Universe, behind Zeldar The Biggest Douchebag in the Universe, Odorios the Lesser Douche of Nehama IV and Al Gore.

Gnome Chimpski, Al Gorebot and Michael Mooron can no longer be cited as authorities on any topic (other than how to be a braking moonbat).

I don't know, my seers see them becoming quite expert on the topic of mucus mining in the near future.

Failure to obey above laws will result in the offender being fed to Michael Mooron (if Michael Mooron disobeys he will not be fed).

He's going to be too busy shoveling mucus to eat anyone. But good suggestions nonetheless.

Hippies will be washed. Survivors will be washed again, All we are saying is: “give soap a chance”

Cleanliness in the mucus mines will be strictly enforced. With caustic soap and wire brushes for the really recalcitrant ones.

Moonbat, traitor saboteurs who drop their babies while protesting will themselves be dropped… from the outer orbit.

Good idea, the orbital mucus haulers could use exterior ballast when they do a re-entry, and their children can definitely use new parents.

Those who demand income redistribution will see their income redistributed.

It won't be much, since mucus mine labour is paid mostly with food scraps, but we can try it as a social experiment.

Chicopanther

I think you should also sentence spammers, phishers, and malware authors to only being able to use computers that have been rendered unusable because of their own garbage!

You Earthlings, so innocent and naive.

You're assuming that I'm going to let them live in any form where they'd be capable of computer use.

Damian G. said...

Please, please, for the love of God, make FOX News stop playing crap "news" stories about Britney, O.J. and the latest pretty white girl to go missing.

You've already vaporised Greta Van Susteren for her insolence on the matter; could you please make the rest of the network follow suit?

I own shares, and the audience seems to like the occasional dose of crappy faux news as long as it involves blonde hair, boobs and faux celebrities, who are also boobs.

Yes, I'm a bastard.

And finally this rather cryptic message from an Earthling...

Your Jewish Master said...

You probably already know that the Jews run things down here. Now, the Ron Paul supporters have been doing their best to expose our Zionist Conspiracy and New World Order, but have been able to keep close track, and eliminate the squeekiest wheels.

But my office did not receive any memo, let alone tribute from the Moxargons. And I must say, I am shocked. You know you face great annoyance when you get here, due to the aforementioned Zionist Conspiracy and New World Order. Just ask the Ron Paulians. So do the right thing, no-nose!

For now, you will be entered into the Blogroll for further investigation.

Hmmm....

This Hebraic Hegemonist seems to think that I should be paying tribute to him....

Someone's off their meds.

I run THE KNOWN UNIVERSE, which is also known as ALL OF THE UNIVERSE, except the primitive little armpit worlds like your planet that I leave free for my amusement.

You're so primitive you probably don't even know that when you reach one end of the Universe, you enter the other end once you get past the Great Taffy Barrier.

Besides, I don't do the tribute thing. It's inefficient and wasteful. I have a flat tax of 15% on gross income and corporate revenue. You'd be surprised at how well that works.

Well, it's been a good laugh seeing how your puny minds work, but I've got some other things to do, like...

LINK PIMPING!

Dirty Harry from Libertas has his own solo blog now. Check it out.

Furious D has a discussion of religion and movies.

So keep watching the skies, because we're watching you!

We have a question...

This question comes from Anonymous, who, in relation to my recent complaint about lefty gang-trolling of a blogger, asked:

How old are you? 15?

Interesting question.

I'm not 15 of your Earth years old, but I am 15.

Allow me to explain.

My species, the Flokians, are especially long lived. We measure our lifespans in Bukkins. A Bukkin is about 97 of your Earth years long, and I'm still a spring Zelnorb at 15 Bukkins.

Thanks for the question, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

The Trolls Are Out Tonight...

Blogger & writer James Hudnall is currently being gang-trolled by some lefty Gorebal Warming Cultists.

Pop down to his site and leave him a note of support. They are flooding him with overlong pre-packaged rants hoping to bully him off the blogosphere.

Don't let the bastards get away with it.

YOU MUST BE THIS SMART TO READ THIS BLOG!

Finally, proof that we alien overlords are smarter than you puny Earthlings.

Setting the Record Straight!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I'm here to quell an unsettling rumor before it spreads like Baltarian Plague.

IT WAS NOT, I REPEAT, NOT MY UFO THAT DENNIS KUCINICH SAW AT SHIRLEY MACLAINE'S HOUSE.

What Kucinich described was an 34321-Nimbus from the Antarean Consensus, and let me tell you something, I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those things.

They're the Gremlin of Interstellar Travel.

Sure, it's got lots of pretty lights, but its temporal-displacement drive is crap, it eats through Helium3 like no tomorrow, and its weapons systems couldn't scratch the paint on my nephew's toy truck.

So no matter what Kucinich, or Shirley MacLaine say, I was not there.

Mostly because she insists on serving vegan meals at parties, and I eat vegans, not vegan meals.

That's all, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

They're COMING!

My lovable alien colleagues are coming to Earth for their annual Halloween trip.

Their intentions are to plunder candy, scare children, annoy adults, and Remulak is insisting on meeting Fox Business Hollywood pundit Govindini Murty.

Now let's look back at past attempts to meet Earth women he likes...

Michelle Malkin- shot him in the shoulder.

Mary Katherine Ham- maced him. And I'm not talking about pepper spray, I'm talking medieval weaponry.

Remulak doesn't have good luck when it comes to pitching woo. He thinks he's a romantic, I think he's just a glutton for punishment.

And I hope that Xran doesn't make himself sick from eating candy again.

It took me a week to get the smell out of my 96 Corolla.

So if you see certain aliens around this Halloween, just give them candy and get out their way.


Gotta run. Their ship will be landing any minute.

God help the planet Earth.

AIR AMERICA'S MOST WANTED!

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM
AIR AMERICA RADIO

Liberal talk-radio show host Randi Rhoades was savagely assaulted by right wing thugs outside a bar in New York city.

This was obviously a blatant attempt by the brownshirt thugs of the crypto-fascist Chimpy Bush-Hitler administration to silence America's most powerful speaker of truth to power.

We cannot let such a grievous injustice, worse than a thousand Kristallnachts, escape justice.

We must fight back.

There may have been anywhere up to 14 thugs involved in this egregious assault on all of our freedoms. Thanks to witnesses we have an accurate description of the people responsible for the attack and generated this artist's conception of their appearance:

If you see anyone fitting this description, contact Air America or Media Matters immediately.

Thank you.

THE MOXARGON ROAST!

SOYLENT GREEN PRESENTS

LIVE FROM THE FLOKIAN FRIARS CLUB

IT'S THE

REMULAK MOXARGON ROAST!

WITH YOUR HOST:

TEKTAK F. MECHANOID

& THE ROASTERS:

XRAN THE FLESHRENDER

WYATT EARP

ANDROID CAI/7

DAMIAN G.

SPECIAL GUEST: DALEK DRONE 9099

RT

VAROS QUASAR

MUSLIHOON

SNOTGLOB T. MUTANT

AND OUR GUEST OF DISHONOUR

THE ONE THE ONLY

REMULAK MOXARGON!

NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST WITH THE MOST

TEKTAK F. MECHANOID!

(Applause)

TEKTAK- Thank, you thank you all for coming. I'd say how great it is to be here, but momma didn't program no liars. We were brought here today to honour a great man, a wonderful man, a man of great charity, wisdom, generosity, and let's not mince words, raw sex appeal. Too bad Remulak vaporized him!

(Laughter)

TEKTAK- Let's meet our guest of dishonour, the man who needs no introduction, because all he does is brag about himself, REMULAK MOXARGON!

(Moxargon enters takes the 'hot seat.')

TEKTAK- Great to see you Remulak, the embalmers did a wonderful job.

(Moxargon laughs, everyone else then laughs)

TEKTAK- Let the roasting begin! Our first roaster is a genuine class act, in fact, one of his first acts was to rob his kindergarten class. Let's hear it for space pirate and raconteur Xran the Fleshrender!

(Xran takes the podium)

XRAN- I've known Remulak Moxargon a long time. A long, long, long, painful, boring, and obnoxious time. And let me tell you something folks, there's a warm-hearted and kind human being inside Remulak Moxargon, I know this because I saw him eat one for breakfast.

(Everyone laughs)

XRAN- What can be said about Remulak that hasn't already been screamed out by his victims? Not much, and definitely nothing that can be said while Damian G's in the room.

(Eveyone except Damian G. laughs)

XRAN- Sure I could come here, and tell you embarrassing stories of our days in school, but you don't get to live as long as I have by doing that. Remulak, you're a discredit to homicidal intergalactic despots everywhere. And I'd say a hell of a lot more, but since we're charging you for the booze, I'm going to stay on your good side tonight!

(Everyone laughs)

TEKTAK- Next up, is a man whose blog has been condemned by the ACLU as a new form of police brutality, the pride of the Philadelphia PD, which shows what bad shape they're in Wyatt Earp!

(Wyatt Earp takes the podium, drink in hand)

WYATT EARP- Remulak Moxargon has many accomplishments to his credit: he is the ruler of the known universe, editor-in-chief of a highly-successful blog, and the first living organism with an ass for a head. Nice skull, Mox: I've seen better heads on a pint of beer!

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- I kid Mox, in part because I would like to be one of the lucky ones left alive after his conquest of Earth. Of course, he has been planning this "conquest" longer than Rosie O'Donnell has been a lesbian, but perfection takes time, right folks?

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- But seriously, who else can whittle the branches of info-tainment like our Supreme Overlord? No one, that's who - at least until our distress calls to the Jedi are answered. Until then, We who are about to die, salute you!

(Everyone laughs)

WYATT EARP- Thanks, you've been great. Try the soylent green Canadian bacon: it's HAM!!!

TEKTAK- Wyatt Earp you're as funny as getting pepper sprayed. Our next guest is definitely past his warranty, but that's never stopped him before, the ultra-logical Android Cai/7!

(ANDROID CAI/7 takes the podium)

ANDROID CAI/7- Insulting a powerful warlord like Remulak Moxargon is highly illogical. I have learned this lesson when he disintegrated my body after I tried to take over his blog, and then when he got me a new body, he programmed it to feel pain if I ever crossed him again. So I will take a more logical tack and tell you all what a truly wonderful organic entity Moxargon really is...

(ZAP)

ANDROID CAI/7- Aaaargh! Why did you do that?

MOXARGON- Nobody likes a suck-up.

TEKTAK- Let's hear it for Android Cai/7! Yeah. That was painful for everyone. And the word painful perfectly describes the blog of our next, and youngest guest, I have to stretch this out, because he's got to come all the way from the kiddie table, living proof that if America's young people are its future, then it has no future, blogger, scholar, and before picture for Stridex Damian G.!

(Damian G. comes over from a rickety card table in the corner and takes the podium)

DAMIAN G.- We're here to pay tribute to Remulak MoxArgon, a self-described 'trans-galactic conqueror, warlord and political columnist.' Let me give you a bit of background. In August, 2005, a very drunk and horny Remulak searched for a source of pleasure. Having exhausted his pet thrax-o-frat, Remulak turned to the series of tubes known as the Innernets. There, he found Michelle Malkin and was immediately smitten. He made it his goal to know Michelle - Biblically - and to get lots of visitors not with his wit, or political analysis, but with this...

(A few giggle, more out of pity)

DAMIAN G.- Right, then. Back to teh roastage. Now, I'm not going to say Remulak is fat, but I am saying that he violates the Copernican theory, because the Sun revolves around him!

(Crickets chirp)

DAMIAN G.- Oookay. I do a pretty good impression of Remulak. BOW DOWN BEFORE MY BLUE PENIS SHAPED HEAD!!!

(Even the crickets fall silent)

DAMIAN G.- Oh god! I'm not funny! That's why girls don't like me? Aaaaaghh!

(Damian G. runs from the podium in shame)

TEKTAK- He ran so fast he put a rip in the feet of his Spongebob pyjamas. Next up, is a former member of this very blog, you all know and love him as the killing machine who has trouble getting up stairs, Dalek Drone-9099.

(DRONE-9099 takes the podium)

DRONE-9099- Exterminate! Exterminate!

(Everyone laughs.)

TEKTAK- Thanks old buddy, it's good to see that you can still deliver the funny. Up next is a blogger whose wit, beauty, grace, and fame are second to none... wait, Michelle Malkin cancelled, so you're gonna have to settle for RT.

(Everyone groans, RT takes the podium)

RT- So, we are roasting Remulak. The idea of a roasted Remulak brings many things to mind: tough to eat, hard to swallow, and a need to have Pepto-Bismol on hand.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Remulak is so starved for "attention" that his whole body is blue.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Remulak has many qualities: He's an angry sort of guy (He is a guy, right? Well, his type lacks human plumbing ya know...nothing is there, really--Ken-doll smooth, I tell ya).

MOXARGON- Wouldn't you like to know.

RT- Yeah, sure he's smarter than a rock and stronger than a ten year old, but his use of intimidation and the evil eye rivals that of a school lunch lady. His wit, however, is why I quickly skim through the MoxArgon site.

(Everyone laughs)

RT- Seriously, though, Remulak's mix of humor and good sense make for a pleasant visit each time I wander by the site (after drinking lots of adult beverages and turning on the black lights).

(Everyone laughs)

TEKTAK- Thanks RT, to bad we couldn't quickly skim that routine. Whoah! Up next is eveyone's favourite fin-headed liberal and the poster child for birth control, Varos Quasar.

(Varos takes the podium)

VAROS- Thanks everyone, I've come to condemn this brutal practice of 'roasting' people! It's tantamount to torture! Which is why I brought the petition to ban roasts and....

(Trap door opens beneath Varos)

VAROS- Aaaaaaahhhhh!

TEKTAK- Let's give Varos a big hand. Not much of an act, but one hell of an exit. Our next roaster is man whose name is synonymous with the word pointless. Let's give a warm welcome to Muslihoon!

(Applause)

MUSLIHOON- There's been a lot of discussion about Remulak's use of Canadian spelling. Why does Remulak use The Queen's English? What else ought a queen to use?

(Laughs)

MUSLIHOON- Remulak dyes his skin blue, out of the mistaken notion that humans will assume he has blue blood.

(Crickets)

MUSLIHOON- Remulak's opposition to Islamism is out of frustration over the fact he will never get the boys like pearls the Qur'an promises Muslim men in heaven. Now, if there were seventeen virgin boys like pearls...Remulak would have a beard and turban by now.

(Crickets go silent)

MUSLIHOON- Come on, these are the jokes folks. How about...

(Muslihoon's bow tie starts spinning, then begins to tighten)

MUSLIHOON- Aaakk! I'm choking! Help...aaaakkk!

(Muslihoon stumbles off the stage gagging violently)

TEKTAK- I guess he choked in more ways than one. Our last roaster is up not because we're saving the best for last, but because he arrived late, Snotglob T. Mutant!

(Snotglob takes podium)

SNOTGLOB- Remulak Moxargon is worse than Hitler. So is George W. Bush!

(A large hook comes out and drags Snotglob off the stage)

TEKTAK- That was the cliché police. They're very strict. Now we can't let all this roasting happen and not let our victim, I mean roastee, get a few shots back, so let's give a big hand to the Known Universe's Absolute Ruler, Remulak Moxargon.

(Standing ovation)

MOXARGON- Thanks for coming. It's good to get all you people in one place, saves ammunition.

(Laughter)

MOXARGON- What a night. If they did this for the terrorists held at Gitmo, they'd really be war criminals.

(Laughter)

MOXARGON- It's good to see everyone here. Tektak, you're a sad, desperate, petty mistake of science, but you're cheap, so I'll keep you. Xran, what can I say about you? If you were uglier you'd be joining Code Pink. I can't insult Varos and Snotglob. They think being called a lefty is a compliment, and I'm not going to even try to top Drone-9099, so let's move to our Earthling guests.

MOXARGON- Wyatt Earp, not to say you're a lousy detective, but the only cases you show interest in are labelled 'Budweiser.'

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- If you ever want anyone to confess, just threaten to tell them some of your jokes. They're more effective than electroshock to the gonads.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Damian G., whose act was the real Amityville Horror, normally I'd kill someone for the type of lowbrow insults you used, but since you died horribly on stage, I don't have to.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Seriously kid, girls will like you someday. All you need is to find a girl that's your style, like Helen Keller with Paris Hilton's morals.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- RT, you do belong on the stage. Too bad it's a lower stage of evolution.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- And not to say that you have a problem with the 'adult beverages' but Wyatt Earp once gave you a breathalyser and the machine yelled: "CHEERS!" You make Lindsey Lohan look like Mother Theresa.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- And Muslihoon, what can I say. You've given new meaning to the term 'suicide bombing.'

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- But in all seriousness, you're the poster boy for decapitation. And I think all your gay jokes are a bit of the 'methinks he doth protesteth too much' if you know what I mean. So let me put it clearly, so even you can understand. MUSLIHOON: I'M STRAIGHT. WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU. RT, thanks.

(Everyone laughs)

MOXARGON- Well, that's our time. I'd say I had a wonderful time, but I didn't. I would like to thank you for coming, now I know who needs my especially brutal brand of vengeance. Goodnight, and keep watching the stars, because we're watching you!

Little Help?

Hi Earthlings.

Does anyone know where I can find a downloadable WMV file of Bin Ladin's latest screed? All I can get are flash files, and my video editor doesn't handle them. (Remulak had to get the cheapest model.)

I'm getting back into video making and want to do something about the return of Blackbeard.

Just let me know in the pleas sections.


Keep the jokes coming to xran001(at)yahoo.ca the roast is on for Tuesday night, so Monday at midnight is the latest.

See ya later!

ROAST IS GO FOR TUESDAY!

We're going to need your best material for the upcoming roast and soon because Remulak will be back on Tuesday. So get crackin!

Like the new background?

It's kinda low key, yet spacey.

BIG NEWS KIDDIES!

Howdy little Earthlings, Xran here with an important announcement.

In mid August our little blog had its second anniversary. Now Remulak didn't want to make a big fuss, but he's taking a week off to rule the Universe, leaving me and TekTak in charge, and we want a big fuss!

So here's the plan.

While Remulak's away we're going to organize a ROAST!

Yep, you've got it, a genuine Friars Club style Roast of the Known Universe's Beloved Blue skinned leader.

So I want you to tap into your inner Don Rickles and send in your best zingers, jokes, and one liners about our friend, our overlord to xran001(at)yahoo.ca.

Don't let the fact that he has no sense of humour and the largest and deadliest military in the Universe dissuade you, let it rip.

And to ensure the most people read about this upcoming roast... Here's that lovely stack of money that's been such a visit boon to us!
Catch you later!

WTF?: The Money Shot

This little blog's been getting a spike in visits lately, and I did a little checking to see what was bringing in the visitors.

Was it our pithy, and always pointed commentary?

Nope.

Was it my raw sex appeal?

No.

Were we linked by a bigger blog?

Not this time.

It turns out people were looking for this...
Yep. It's a picture of a stack of money.

Hundreds of people coming to this site to see, not a picture of a comely lass like...

Sexy sci-fi siren Billie Piper
(cheap excuse for cheesecake alert)

but a picture of...

MONEY!

So let's all sing along....

I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas,
I've got forty thousand french francs in my fridge.
I've got lost of lovely lire,
Now the Deutschemark's getting dearer,
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.Chorus:
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money,
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.
Some people say it's folly,
But I'd rather have the lolly,
With money you can ma-ake a splash.Finale: There is nothing quite wonderful as money,
(money,money,money,money)
There is nothing like a newly minted pound,
(money,money,money,money)All:
Everyone must hanker for the butchness of a banker,
It's accountancy that makes the world go round.
(round,round,round)

You can keep your Marxist ways
For it's only just a phase.
For it's money money money makes the world go round.

(money,money,money,money
money,money,money,money
moneeeeeeeeeeeyyyy)

Hat tip to Eric Idle and Monty Python.

Goes to show that you don't need intelligent discussion of important issues to boost your visit stats, you just need a picture people want.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you....

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Tell you what it means to me...

Greeting puny Earthlings.

There's a lot of people on your planet that like to bandy about a certain word. In fact they do it so much, that the word loses all meaning.

That word is: Respect.

Western Earthlings are constantly being lectured about how they must 'respect' the beliefs, attitudes, and even the prejudices of others, as long as they fit a narrow political correct window.

Well, I'm sorry, I just can't dish out respect like ice cream at a Protestant church social. It's like a serious case of whoop-ass, if you want any from me, you gotta do something to earn it.

There's been a lot of chatter as well about a Pace U student with a name I'm not even going to attempt to spell tossing a Koran into a toilet as an act of protest. He is now being charged with a 'hate crime' after the Muslim Students Association, and everyone's fave un-indicted Hamas co-conspirator CAIR raised hell and screamed bloody murder.

They demanded respect.

But what did they do to earn it?

Did they try to figure why this fellow felt that tossing a Koran into a toilet was a necessary act of protest?

Did they consider the fact that thousands of people the world over are murdered every year in the name Islam, most of them fellow Muslims, and how that may have affected the young man's mindset?

Did they do anything to stem the tide of deranged violence that makes people the world over associated the words "Islam" and "Koran" with unmitigated and usually unprovoked slaughter?

Nope.

They just slapped it into their Islamophobia file and demanded that he be imprisoned for not showing them the proper "respect." And if they don't get him locked up, they whip out the old "you have insulted 1.5 billion Muslims" stratagem and its more than implied hint of terrorist violence.


Here's a little tip.

If you need the threat of prison, or terrorist violence to gain what you think of as respect, you don't deserve respect.

Nor will you get it.

Real respect comes from the admiration of constructive accomplishments, and positive contributions to society through the arts, sciences, heroism, or some combination of the three.

The false respect derived from threats of prison terms and suicide bombings is nothing more than simple butt-kissing out of fear. And if you want that, you are a sad pathetic little excuse for a culture.

Trust me, I know both really well. I conquer galaxies and the planets within them for a living, and at first, my freshly conquered subjects give me that false fear-based pseudo-respect, a lot of "Oh mighty MoxArgon" and crap like that, but once the opening slaughter of their ruling elite is over and they get to know me, and my empire, I start to earn real respect.

Why?

Because I make life better on every planet I conquer.

Then the quaver of fear leaves their voices when they greet me, and they come to realize that I'm a positive force in the Universe and then they start to really respect me.

I do also find it interesting that the very same people who are standing beside the Islamists in demanding the Pace U student's head for 'disrespecting' a religion are the same people who shit kittens over people not wanting taxpayer's money used to promote crucifixes in jars of urine, or Virgin Mary's made of cattle dung. If they had any real testicular fortitude, they'd be rising to the Pace student's defense, because if it isn't a crime against Christian symbols, it ain't a crime against Islamic ones either.

Now I'd like to present a list of people who have done nothing to earn my respect:

-DEMOCRATS: They willfully ignore the threat Islamist radicals present to world peace, but will stop at nothing, including paralyzing the US government, and hampering the war effort, to appease their hedge-fund/media/nutroots base by holding their own congressional show-trials of administration officials in the vain quest to criminalize executive power. They do not deserve respect.

-REPUBLICANS: Their behaviour in congress over several key issues, like immigration and the war effort show a level of craven cowardice unseen since Caligula's horse stood in the Roman Senate. They do not deserve respect, but they can earn it by dumping the chickenhearted and corrupt incumbents and replace them with fresh blood that is willing to fight for what they believe to be right, not for what will earn them a ten second puff-job on CNN.

-THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: Their behaviour in over-hyping non-stories and manufacturing outright fictions, while ignoring real events for the sole purpose of helping the Democrats can only be described one way: disgusting. They do not deserve respect.

-THE POLITICAL LEFT: They do not deserve respect because they do not respect anything that might hinder them from obtaining and keeping political power. They claim to hold certain things as near and dear to them, yet discard them as easily as you would swat a fly, in order to make common cause with an enemy that would slit their throats for fun. They do not deserve respect.