Once More Into the Breech!!

a
View
From
the
Afterlife
Commentary
by
HENRY V
King of England
(1413-1422)

Hello the peasants in the land of the living, it's me Henry V, as in "the fifth."

I'd like to take a moment to talk about the country I used to rule, namely England, and the rest of Great Britain.

Specifically, what the hell is wrong with that bloody country?

There isn't drop of honour to be found anywhere in that wretched, drink-sodden, and corrupt little rock.

Members of Parliament are robbing the country blind, and the best anyone in power can muster is to criticize the people for complaining about the thieving!

Crime is rampant on the streets with drunken hooliganism happening so often that it's not even news anymore. And you can't trust the crime statistics, because the police have stopped recording crimes that might cause their numbers to go up.

The greatest ambition of many Britons is to collect welfare, spend it all on drink, and drugs to work up the courage to beat the royal piss out of someone for kicks.

Immigrants are being kept from become real citizens of England in the name of political correctness, thus creating a vast, increasingly radicalized underclass that's out-birthing everyone else.

Labour is a bunch of opportunistic political hacks who daily sign away fresh pieces of the nation's sovereignty and soul to the increasingly undemocratic European Union.

The Tories are so scared of being criticized by the socialist leaning media that they have become eunuchs when compared to the real and solid leadership of someone like me.

And the nutless wonders in Parliament are inspiring a rise of racist nationalists like the BNP.

This the country that beat the French at Agincourt.

(Yes, I know everyone's beaten the French since then, but back then it was considered quite an achievement.)

This is the soggy little island that conquered a good chunk of the world, and laying the foundation for many impressive modern nations.

This is the country that was the last remaining democracy in Europe when the Nazis were rolling up Europe like a carpet.

All that was for naught.

And I blame the schools.

In schools, heroes are spat upon, because their existence offends the delicate sensibilities of some posh nob who are the self-appointed guardians of the working classes and ethnic minorities. Their achievements ignored, for fear that their immensity may hurt the self-esteem of a teenage thug in a hooded jumper.

When children are taught that nothing but negativity about their nation, regardless of their skin colour or religion, they are going to grow to value nothing beyond the next cheap thrill as worth fighting for.

If I wasn't already dead, I'd be heading down there to give the whole country a royal thrashing about the head and the ass where they keep it.

Bloody hell.

He's Just Not That Into A Special Relationship...

A
VIEW FROM
THE AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
WINSTON CHURCHILL

(former PM of Great Britain)

Greetings to all you who dwell in the land of the living. In case you don't know who I am, meaning you attended government run schools in the last ten years, I was the Prime Minister of Great Britain during World War 2. And it was during this war that I forged what became known as the special relationship between Britain, and the United States of America.

That special relationship was an alliance born from a shared heritage of language, culture, constitutional government, and individual liberty.

I guess all those thing don't really matter to your new president Barack Obama, he is apparently not that into the UK as you yanks are fond of saying, and the signs are quite obvious...

First, he returned the gift of a sculpture of me to Britain, how rude. Apparently he didn't care for having someone who actually made decisions instead of pawning them off on Nancy Pelosi looking at him.

Second, he rudely treats my successor Gordon Brown with cancelled press conferences, and the gift of a DVD box set, though filled with lovely enough movies, can't be played in British DVD machines. And this is after Brown goes to all the trouble of giving Obama a gift symbolic of the fight of free peoples against the scourge of human enslavement.

Now I know Brown is a Labour Prime Minister, but that is not an excuse for such shoddy gifts, and dreadfully rude behaviour. Besides, if you were going to give Brown a movie, give him a copy of Fitna, because I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen it yet.

Of course President Obama isn't above giving large gifts. In fact he's currently giving trillions to his political allies in the form of "stimulus" and he's more than willing to give $900 million to the Palestinians of Gaza, the very same people who gleefully danced on their streets on 9.11.2001.

And let's not forget that he's perfectly willing to give away the defense of allies like Poland in order to win a winsome smile from an petty autocrat like Vladimir Putin.

I wonder what boons he will dispense upon the theocrats of Iran in a vain attempt to ease their lust for the blood of innocents?

The mind reels at the possibilities.

I just hope that the last gift Barack Obama gives the world doesn't resemble a mushroom cloud over a major city.

God help you all.

So I guess, what I'm trying to say is that Obama really doesn't care about America's friends,

Double Plus Ungood

A
VIEW
FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
GEORGE
ORWELL

England is dead.

All right, not England literally, but the idea of England, as a nation that has freedom of speech and the rule of law is as dead as... well, me.

Geert Wilders, a liberal politician from Holland was arrested and deported when he tried to visit Great Britain.

His crime?

He made a film called Fitna, and had come to show it to members of the House of Lords.

The film contains no lies, no slanders, just the words of radical Muslims accompanying images of radical Muslims, both revealing them calling for the violent conquest of the world.

But Lord Nazi Nazir Ahmed threatened to bring 10,000 Muslims to practically assault the Parliament in order to prevent the screening of this film.

And it was Wilders who got shipped out of the country.

Does the sheer cognitive dissonance mean anything to you?

You have a man, a Peer of the Realm, obviously threatening violence unless England sacrifices its right of free speech in the name of appeasement.

Well, here's a message for Prime Minister Gordon Brown and the rest of the castrato that currently rule Britain.

YOU CANNOT APPEASE FASCISTS.

Give them one thing, and they will demand 100 more things. It's a simple lesson of history. The moment Nazir Ahmed made his threat, he should have been stripped of his title, and deported to someplace he would feel more at home at, like the frontier of Pakistan. Because he will not be happy until he's made England in that distorted and mangled image.

And if 10,000 rose as he commanded, then round them up and ship them to where they really want to live. And if they fought, then fight back.

The fascist, whether under the guise of progressive socialism, nationalism, or Islamic fundamentalism, is either at your throat or ground under your heel.

It's a simple fact of life.

And Mr. Ahmed, I refuse to call you by your title, you don't deserve it. England has given you everything in your life, and all you want to do is take away the essential rights that made your priviledged life possible.

If I wasn't already dead, I'd be vomiting in disgust.

Mad Dogs & Englishmen

A
VIEW FROM
THE AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
NOEL COWARD

I am indebted to Mr. Poplar and his digital ouija board for letting me use this delightful new "blog." Though I must admit that the name "blog" is entirely without hope, and should be replaced with something with at least a soupcon of elegance.

Anyway, I was hearing a lot of reports from Jolly Old England about their problems with the weather, and it's inspired me to write this little ditty.

Enjoy.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

In northern climes there are certain times of year
When all the citizens retire,
to pile their clothes on or expire.
It's one of those rules that the biggest fools adhere,
Because the snow is much too chilly and one must avoid
Frosting your willie in wind shear--
Papalaka-papalaka-papalaka-boo. (Repeat)
Digariga-digariga-digariga-doo. (Repeat)
The Swedes don't believe that the British can't run their cars,
Because we've obviously, frozen off our arse --

Mad dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.
The Londoners don't care to, the Cornish wouldn't dare to,
Anglians and Devonians slip on ice when they try to go,
And Englishmen detest a ski-festa,

In the Russian Steppes they believe it's hep, to frolic in the cold,
In the Old Yukon there are furs they don,
which the British won't uphold,
At zero degrees the English freeze, and no vehicles can go -
And Mad Dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.

It's no real surprise for Nordic guys to think,
That the British are effete,
Because we're all addicted to heat,
When the Englishman slides, every Canadian derides in glee,
Because the simple Canucks hope he will impale his silly toupee on a tree.

Bolyboly-bolyboly-bolyboly-baa. (Repeat)
Habaninny-habaninny-habaninny-haa. (Repeat)
It's a terrible reason when the winter season hits the earth
That the Brits give rise to such hilarity and mirth -

Mad Dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.
The Swiss just love it, and the Germans simply shovel it.
In Oslo the piles of snow are what the natives think as fun.
They build big snow walls, and pummel us with snow balls.
In our wintry town where the snow beats down, to the rage of man or beast,
The English trade of the English tribe has completely ceased.
In Denmark, at the zero mark, they don their skates and go,
But mad dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.
The smallest Canadian rabbit deplores this stupid habit.
In Winnipeg, they tap a keg, and let the wind chill blow.
For them snow and ice is part of life.
But in London's swamps where Monty Python romps
There's no peace 'til June.
Even the tube's completely froze, for there's nowhere else to go.
Greens are sad, 'cause global warming don't seem so bad
Because mad dogs and Englishmen can't go out in the winter snow.

Thank you, thank you very much...

Are There Any Real Warriors Left?

A
VIEW
FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
HIDEKI TOJO
(Former Prime Minister of Japan)

I wish to offer the most heartfelt greetings to all you living people who read this little posting of mine, and deep thanks to Vox Poplar and his digital Ouija board for making it possible.

I would like this posting to be passed on to the Palestinian people.

As the American Marines are so fond of saying: What is your major malfunction numbnuts?

I see your behavior and it just leaves me aghast.

I can understand the surprise terror raids and rocket attacks against an enemy. I've done that sort of thing myself, ask the Americans about Pearl Harbor. However what I do not understand is why you all start acting like a pack of whiny little bitches the moment the Israelis start fighting back.

Where are your balls?

Imperial Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, we woke up the sleeping American giant, and it handed us our asses on a plate.

Did we go whining to League of Nations, saying that they were being "disproportionate?"

No.

Because the Japanese are true warriors in the tradition of Bushido. When we pick a fight, and get slapped back, we don't cry and get our Iranian funded proxies to scream and rant in the United Nations. We fight, take our lumps, and win or lose, accept the end, and take responsibility for our actions.

Hell, I even took responsibility for the times when I actually was just following orders. Because doing that, and taking my punishment like a man helped save my nation after our aggressive war brought it to ruin.

I did it, because face it, they can only hang you once, and because I had some real balls.

And what's with all the whining and crying about "genocide" over your human shields getting killed?

We hid our weapons factories in residential neighborhoods, thinking the Americans wouldn't bomb them. Guess what, they firebombed Tokyo, and incinerated over a hundred thousand people.

Is the blood of those civilians on American hands?

No.

Their blood is on my hands, I put the weapons factories there, I put those people in harm's way, and it is me who must listen to their anguished death cries for the next 1,000 years. So don't talk to me about the Israelis killing civilians that's horse-shit.

The Israelis are endangering their own lives to preserve Palestinian lives. Ironically, the Israelis value Palestinian lives more than the Palestinians themselves who have been warped into a death cult led by a gaggle of sniveling cowards who do their best to be safely ensconced in their bunkers or in Syria, while their women and children gets blasted into snot.

Now I know that this deliberate game of self-slaughter and passing blame on the Jews is a key strategy because there is no way in hell that the Palestinians could possibly win a straight out fight, even with all their supposed allies by their side.

Well guess what, if you can't win a straight out fight, you don't deserve to win by sniveling, whining, and otherwise acting like a little emo-bitch. So either accept the existence of Israel, by their right of conquest, or just drink the Kool-Aid and get it over with.

That's what a real man would do.

View From The Afterlife Roundtable

Tally-ho!

It's me, General Sir Charles Napier former commander of the British Army in India, regular View From The Afterlife contributor, and your host. You see all the living contributors of this blog are taking their holidays until after they recover from their New Year's hangovers, so it's up to us, the dead, to pop in via Vox Poplar's digital ouija board and keep this blog thing of yours going.

Joining me are some other deceased luminaries and losers.

William "Boss" Tweed, former political kingpin.

Thomas a Beckett, former Archbishop of Canterbury

John Lackland, former king of England.

George Orwell, author and pundit.

and

Nero, former Roman Emperor.

NAPIER Let's get started looking back at the year 2008.

JOHN LACKLAND I must protest being called "John Lackland," I was the King of England.

NAPIER And that was a job for life right?

JOHN LACKLAND Right.

NAPIER And what are you now?

JOHN LACKLAND Bite my royal behind.

NAPIER Now let's look at what you believe are the winners of the year. My pick, being a military man, is the success of the US Military and their surge in Iraq. The war is more or less won to the point where even President Elect Barack Obama can't just pull out and surrender. Boss Tweed, what's your pick?

BOSS TWEED I would have to say Barack Obama is my winner of the year. It proves that having loads of questionable money and near total control of the press will still get you elected no matter how many racists, radicals and reprobates dwell in your past.

NAPIER Thomas Becket?

THOMAS BECKET I believe Pope Benedict is the winner of the year.

JOHN LACKLAND You would say that. Still an ass kisser!

THOMAS BECKET Who has the sainthood, and who has to wear a barbed wire speedo?

JOHN LACKLAND Touché.

NAPIER Who is your winner John?

JOHN LACKLAND George W. Bush, because he can finally leave the whole ungrateful nation of whiny bastards behind.

NAPIER George, who is your winner?

GEORGE ORWELL I have to say the Iraqi people, because after the long nightmare of dictatorship, and war, they are finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and most importantly, they want it.

NAPIER Good pick. Nero?

NERO Hillary Clinton. While she may not have been elected, she's still in a position of power, and in the line of succession. Which, as experience has taught me, can be... adjusted.

NAPIER Okay. Let's move onto the losers of the year. My pick are the Palestinians. They have become the most degraded, debased, and devalued people on the planet, trapped in a state of perpetual self-destruction, are pariahs to everyone but the western media, especially in the Arab world, and they have no one to blame but themselves for their state. Boss Tweed?

BOSS TWEED Rod Blagojevich. He really screwed the pooch on this whole Senate seat issue. I mean one must always maintain the appearance of upholding the law, especially when you're breaking it, but even more so when you know that you're under surveillance from the Justice Department!

THOMAS BECKET I feel that Great Britain is the loser of the year. The spiritual and social ennui has infected almost every facet of British life. The whole country needs a rebirth, but I don't think they have the leadership for it

JOHN LACKLAND I have to agree with Mr. Holier Than Thou on this one. The whole nation has become a pack of nutless drunks who can't even smite pirates for fear that they'll demand refugee status, compelling them to give it to them. Where are Britain's balls?

GEORGE ORWELL My pick for losers of the years are all the fascist dictators counting on high oil prices to maintain their little empires. Prices are crashing, and so soon will their petty fiefdoms. You know who you are.

NERO I think the losers of the year are the Republican Party. They ran a very weak campaign, allowing the Obama-worshipping media to define them, while lacking a cohesive philosophy to see them through the election and its various crises.

NAPIER Very interesting points. And that's all the time we have for today, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because someone is watching you.

The ACORN Doesn't Fall Too Far From The Tree

A
VIEW
FROM
THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
WILLIAM
"BOSS"
TWEED

(former Head of Tammany Hall)

Hello there all you folks in the land of the living.

William Tweed here, and I'd like to thank Vox Poplar's digital ouija board for getting me a little time off my regularly evening gonad dip into boiling pitch to talk to you.

Now there are some of you, mostly folks who haven't seen the movie Gangs of New York, aren't really familiar with my story, so I'll take a minute to explain. Back in the old days, when I was still living, I was the head of the Tammany Society, and the Tammany Society ran the Democratic Party in New York, and heavily influenced the party nationwide.

We stayed in power by fixing elections. Plain and simple.

You see, I'd get jobs for a lot of poor Irishmen, then not only would they vote for the candidates I backed, they would vote early, and often.

One of my favourite tricks was to have a chap vote with a full beard at 9:00 AM, to shave it down to a goatee and vote again at 10:00 AM, then again with a moustache at 11:00 AM, and once again completely clean shaven at noon.

But I must say that it's nothing compared to that young fellow Barack Obama and his friends at ACORN are doing. They show that while I may be dead, and my soul forced to dwell in a realm offering a daily ass-reaming with a flaming iron pineapple, my spirit lives on in those chaps.

First ACORN not only gets the government to pay them millions of dollars every year, under the guise of activism, they also get private foundations and corporations to give them millions, for fear of being called "racist." They then spend that money to get their political supporters elected, by hook, crook, and bogus ballot, and run one of the largest voter fraud schemes the world has ever seen.

When it comes to corruption, they have me outdone. Gentlemen, I'd tip my hat to you, but a demon ate it.

However, there's an onion in the ointment, if you'll pardon my vernacular. You see, the group takes in millions, tens of millions of dollars a year from all over the country from allies, donations, and corporate extortion, and around the world, yet all they seem capable of doing is engineering voter fraud. Not one of their "activism" programs has every actually achieved anything.

Tsk, tsk.

I was able to stay on top for over twenty years because I knew what side of bread was buttered. I at least got people jobs, built businesses, and left behind a few things, real, concrete things, that people use to this day.

ACORN creates nothing but corruption.

And that's just balderdash.

And I Thought I Had An Ego...

A
SPECIAL
VIEW
FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
NERO
CLAUDIUS CAESAR
AUGUSTUS
GERMANICUS

Hello there all you folks in the land of the living. It is I, Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, but everyone just calls me Nero. In case you don't know your history, I used to be the Emperor of Rome, now I'm in Hades talking to you through Vox Poplar's digital ouija board.

I've been watching your politics lately and I must say that I'm impressed by your Barack Obama fellow. I like the cut of his jib, as the more nautically inclined are apt to say.

He's got a wonderful imperial swagger about him, and I enjoy the way the media worships him like a god on Earth, and how he tries to silence, or criminally prosecute anyone who dares criticize him. He's not bound by some irrelevant little scrap of paper like the constitution, he's destined to rule you all and he knows it.

I really like the lovely imperial theatre he's constructed for his victory speech. Nothing says raving narcissism like building a temple to yourself.

And it's not like there weren't any signs of this before. Face it, he was editor and chief of the Harvard Law Review, and a law school instructor, and the only works of scholarship he ever produced were two books telling everyone how great he is.

Bloody brilliant.

Well, it's about time you Americans dispense with your silly democracy, and get yourselves a proper ruler, so vote for Obama.

MAGNA CARTA GOES FARTA

A
VIEW FROM
THE AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
KING JOHN
OF ENGLAND
(1167-1216 AD)

Balls!

Damned blasted bloody balls!

Sorry about the burst of temper. It's just that I'm angry, I'm talking raging ball-steaming livid!

I guess I should introduce myself before I start raging again.

I'm the late King John of England. You may know me by the regrettable, and in my opinion: unfair, name of John Lackland, or for my greatest achievement, signing the Magna Carta.

Sure, I may have signed it unwillingly at the time. I was a tyrant after all, and in my misspent life I didn't appreciate the weight of that moment, but now I gladly accept enacting the foundation of Western Constitutional Liberty.

Of course, thanks to Lord What's-his-name, I will now probably only be remembered for being pestered by Robin Hood. WHO WAS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!

At least he was in my time.

But anyhoo, Vox Poplar let me use his digital Ouija board to talk to your about how a pompous politically correct windbag like Lord Autumnbottom could just piss away centuries of British liberty to curry favour with the Sharia law set.

Now Lord Boneybrains shook the dust of his wig long enough to declare that it would be just jiminy dandy for contracts to be enacted under laws other than those of the United Kingdom.

That's what you call the first step on the slippery slope.

First it's contracts.

Then it's marriages, divorces, and custody law.

Then the next thing you know a man is being let off for murdering his daughter because his Imam said it was okay, because she showed too much ankle.

Then you start seeing the "other" laws of the land, being taken down, replaced by these "new" laws.

That's because one land can only have one set of laws.

And if you don't like the law of any given land, leave it, and find one that has the laws you like.

You cannot create a separate system of laws based on race, religion, or whatever you like. Because that can lead to only one thing: TYRANNY.

I know how this sort of thing works. I was a tyrant after all, and I took advantage of every slope I could slip on. And that's why the barons revolted and forced me to sign that damned piece of paper.

Of course now that paper's not worthy for wiping your arse. All because some bewigged buffoon figured he could cut down on the death threats if he played the appeaser.

Makes even a nutless wonder like me look positively brilliant.

I gotta go and cool down.

The Gore-y Truth About Truth...

A VIEW FROM THE
AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
GORE VIDAL

(Author, Essayist, McCain Truther)

Wait a minute!

I am not dead you pack of pusillanimous poltroons!

(Sorry, it's just that you're on my digital ouija board--Vox Poplar)

I use a ouija board to talk to people who still think I'm relevant. Now can we start over.

(Sure, no problem, take two-- Vox Poplar)

A SPECIAL GUEST
COMMENTARY
BY
GORE VIDAL
(Al Gore's Cousin)

Hello peasantry of the United States of America. It is I, Gore Vidal, America's greatest living author, and I'm here to tell you the truth.

Now some folks in the crypto-fascist right wing hate machine are going after over some comments I made in an interview with the New York Times. I did not call the Rethuglikkkan candidate for dictator John McCain a liar about his time in Vietnam, I merely pointed out that he is the only source of this information, and since he is a Rethuglikkkan, he must be lying.

That is what they do, about everything.

They lied about Saddam Hussein, who was a very nice fellow according to my friend Michael Moore, the lied about Osama Bin Ladin, and they lied us into wars that America is losing and will keep losing for 100 years against the glorious freedom fighters of Islamic democracy and freedom.

McCain was an Annapolis man, and we all know what navy men are like, all rum, sodomy and the lash. I can just picture them, sweat glistening on their taut muscular bodies as they swab the poop deck...

What was I talking about?

Oh, right, McCain being a liar.

Well, I am assured that there is no evidence of McCain's service in Vietnam, or of his being imprisoned for all those years, which is mighty convenient in my opinion.

What does he have to show as proof, a few scars, some crippling injuries, the words of people who rather conveniently claim to have been his captors?

Please.

I suspect they are all Republican Nazi sympathizers, participating in this foul charade. I doubt that the son and grandson of an admiral would be allowed to fight in a war, if that war actually happened, and then be allowed to be taken prisoner. Muscles rippling as he struggled against his chains, the guards smiling as they prepare to indulge in their...

Where was I, I seemed to have lost my train of thought.

Anyway, let us not be duped by these foul lies of service and sacrifice, when McCain probably wasted his life writing novels and essays very few people actually read and chasing swarthy sailors on the Amalfi Coast.

So remember, never trust a Republican, they are violent, homophobic, fundamentalist warmongers, the exact opposite of decent humane people like.... um.... Osama Bin Ladin.

Anyway, I have to go, I rented Top Gun to see some real navy heroes... play volleyball....

Che-Che-Che-Changes...

Ola.

It's me, Ernesto, but you can call me Che, everybody does. Especially the big red guy with the horns and the pitchfork who keeps rotating the the cactus that's lodged in my rectum and pouring in the hot sauce. Today is Scotch Bonnet day... not nice.

I guess I'm supposed to thank Vox Poplar and his digital ouija board for getting me a few minutes from my damnation to post this blog-thing, but he's a North Americano capitalist swine, so screw him.

But I would like to thank the Barack Obama's campaign workers in Texas for this...
Yep, that's me hanging in the Texas campaign office of the Democratic Party's front-runner Barack Obama. I have to admit, I found the picture so funny I almost pissed out the fire that regularly roasts my genitals into leathery cinders.

Boy, only someone who doesn't know shit about me would allow my picture to appear on anything but toilet paper.

I was a warmonger who is idolized by so-called pacifists.

A homophobe praised by gay rights activists.

A pompous elitist snob now seen as a working class hero.

A sexist worshipped by feminists.

A racist admired by civil rights activists.

A mass murderer who is hailed by death penalty opponents.

A coward who is thought of as a hero.

Essentially, I was a minor league Hitler or Stalin wannabe, and that's why I'm where I am today. I even screwed the economy which was actually in good shape before I came along, because I was basically an idiot.


Oh, crap.

I gotta go, it's almost time for them to shove flaming hot pokers up my nose and rotate my cactus one more time.

So in closing, you lefties should probably stop worshipping me, because for every T-Shirt with my face on it, I get a hemorrhoid the size of a monkey's fist.

Give a guy a break.

My England, My Lavatory...

A Special
View From The Afterlife
Commentary
by
General Sir Charles James Napier
Commander in Chief of the British Army in India
1849-1851

Pip-pip and tally-ho to all you living folks.

It's me, you're favourite British Imperialist piss-bag popping down for a visit, because Vox Poplar left his digital Ouija board on, and hasn't changed his password yet.

Isn't technology wonderful. In my day high speed messaging was a steam engined train, or a particularly fast running messenger. But I'm not here to talk about that.

Nope. I'm here to talk about Britain, I won't call it Great Britain, because it hasn't been so great lately.

I mean what the hell is happening in my old country?

We've got the government giving handouts to polygamists, essentially endorsing the practical enslavement of women as chattel because of their religion. And don't get me started on that horse's arse of an Archbishop.

Firemen, the same people who run into burning buildings to rescue your sorry arse, are subject to around 40 violent attacks a week. The police think this is a good thing, because it was closer to 100 before, but firemen are most likely not reporting most of them anymore.

Athletes are having their sacred rights to free speech curtailed because it might offend the Chinese Communist Party.

And the icing on the cake, they're serving chocolate cake with an unhealthy sprinkling of human dung in Cardiff.

Well here's what I would do.

I would explain to the polygamists, that what they are doing is illegal in Britain, and hence put the bastards in jail until they learn their lesson. Now some of the wobbly-bottoms will wail and cry about "making a place" for people who wish to live under Sharia Law, and my answer to them is simple. There are places for people to live under Sharia Law, they're called Pakistan and Saudi Arabia. Britain is a place for British Law, and if you hate it that much, British Law says that you are free to leave.

For the people attacking the firefighters... well this will be a tad rough, but necessary. First, identify the neighbourhoods where the attacks happen the most. Then cancel all fire, ambulance, and police services in those areas, and wall the neighbourhoods in with fences and minefields. Wait until said neighbourhoods burn down, and ask the survivors if they've learnt their lesson. Because anyone who can't tell the difference between a rescuer and a target, deserves to burn.

I would also sack the people running the police, and replace them with folks with some testicular fortitude.

Now when it comes to the Chinese Communists, I would say that as a free society we have to live with being offended, and if they want to be a part of the world, they have to thicken their skin or forget it. Besides, if you don't want to be criticized for your human rights abuses, stop abusing people.

And as for the feces-cakes of Cardiff, I know the Welsh are odd ducks, but I don't think it extends that far. And how come no one seems interested in how the feces got on the cakes?

That's kind of important information, so you can prevent it from happening again.

Of course, if you push too hard, the miscreants might complain, and it seems that Britain would rather eat shit than stand up for themselves.

If you listen carefully, you can hear me spinning in my grave.

What bollocks.

Everything's Avoidable, but Death & Taxes...

A

View From the Afterlife

Commentary
by
St. Thomas Becket

Martyred Archbishop of Canterbury
(1162-1170 AD)

Greetings from the Afterlife, and may God bless all of you.

At least most of you anyway.

I know I shouldn't be so judgemental, but the behaviour of some of my colleagues really boils my cassock.

One thing that makes me ready to pop my cincture is a recent statement by current Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Atkinson Williams that Shari'a Law is "unavoidable" in Britain and that elements of it should be accepted anyway to "maintain social cohesion."

His stance has more dung in it than a pig sty after a bean supper.

First of all, NOTHING IS UNAVOIDABLE. I could have easily avoided those drunken knights who eventually hacked off the top of my head, but I didn't. I stood my ground, and didn't go running around like a fool, and end up stabbed in the apse.

I stood my ground, knowing full well, that I was going to be slaughtered because it was the bloody right thing to do. Someone had to take a stand for the rights of the Church to keep kings out of spiritual affairs, even if it meant my life.

Dr. Rowan Williams is basically saying that the Judeo-Christian foundation of British liberty isn't worth fighting for because it offends the sort of people who don't want or deserve liberty.

What he should be saying is that Britain is a nation built on Judeo-Christian Liberty, and that all those who don't like it, can leave it.

Of course you'd have to actually believe in something to say something like that, and I get the feeling that Dr. Rowan Williams is much too "intellectual" to actually believe in anything, let alone fight for it.

You know Rowan, when I had your job, I was the least qualified for it. I was a party animal, selfish, obnoxious, and greedy, but I believed in the position, and in God, so when I got the job, I did the job that was required of me.

And what about all this chatter about so-called "social cohesion?"

Well, odds my bodkin, that's a load of bloody great wobbly turds.

Social cohesion comes from people adapting to a new and ever evolving society, not from accepting the backward demands of thugs and bullies for fear of offending them. Better to get your head hacked off than live a snivelling little snot under the boot of a tyrant.

You do not build a cohesive society, by socially cutting people off from each other through custom-made legal systems based on ethnicity and religion. Instead you create a bunch of little societies, that are all at each others throats until cohesion is achieved through one side killing all of the other.

People can have their own gods, but there can only be one law.

Why am I even bothering, it's not Williams would actually believe in anything I say, it might offend someone.

Goodbye and God bless.

Anti-British Activity Double-Plus Ungood

A
VIEW FROM
THE AFTERLIFE
COMMENTARY
BY
GEORGE ORWELL
(Author of 1984, Animal Farm)

Hello.

I would like to thank Vox Poplar and his digital Ouija board for making this commentary possible.

I must say that I am more than a little nonplussed, nay chagrined, by the recent decision of the British Government, specifically the Labour Party, to rename terrorist acts committed by Muslims as "Anti-Muslim Activity" in a vain attempt to win over Britain's increasingly radicalized Islamic community.

Only one simple English word comes to mind to describe this decision:

BOLLOCKS

Just what is stewing around in the mind of Prime Minister Gordon Brown to think that such mutilation of the language is somehow justified?

That's like saying the Holocaust which saw the wholesale butchery of European Jewry as "Anti-Nazi Activity."

I know there are some who would be offended by such a comparison, but if you are, then you are part of the problem.

The English language is the main language of the world these days not just because of the influence of the old British Empire and American culture, but because it is a living, thriving thing.

And any attempt by the state to twist it to their own ends is a sign of great trouble to come, and when those ends is to appease an aggressive and imperialist enemy, that trouble is even worse.

Gordon Brown is of the school of Socialist thought that divides the world into two camps: The Western Capitalists, and Their Victims.

This mindset means that one side (Western Democracies) are always wrong, and that any movement by their supposed victims must somehow be saintly and right. Which is why so-called 'peace movements' only protest against Western Democracies, and never against fascist, communist, and Islamist aggressors.

Now while Western Democracies have had their problems, and caused others throughout history, believing that they are the only source of evil in the world violates the one true rule of humanity.

Everybody has bastards.

Just because some western empire mistreated their ancestors in days of yore doesn't give anyone permission to blow up tube trains and buses or to crash aeroplanes into office blocks.

Such Newspeak is an attempt on the part of the Labour Government to rewrite history itself in order to please the very same people they should be fighting. It re-writes the aggressor into the victim, and victims into criminals. Of course the people who demand such changes to the language want everyone to remember the horrors of the Crusades, and ignore that it was violent, aggressive, and imperialist Jihad that provoked them in the first place.

Such moral cowardice as shown by the Brown government is inexcusable, and is the first ring in the death knell of Britain itself.

Everything from ice cream adverts, to children's books, to television news reports are being censored to appease extreme radicals who prance around posing as moderates, all the while subtly threatening violence if "outraged" or "offended."

Like all appeasement, it strengthens the fascists, and weakens the true moderates who become even more scared to stand up because they can see their own government kissing the arse of fascism.

I call it fascism because anyone who takes offence to free discussion, demands the suppression of such "offencive" freedom, and uses the threat, direct of implied, of violence to enforce that suppression is a fascist.

You don't appease fascism, whether its form is secular or religious, you fight it and you beat it. Anything else is suicide.

England's more than dreaming, like that old Tory Churchill said, it's bleeding to death, and it doesn't even know it.

Sometime's Hanging Is Not Enough

A Special
View From The Afterlife
Commentary
by
General Sir Charles James Napier
Commander in Chief of the British Army in India 1849-1851

Pip-pip and tally-ho to all you living folks.

Those alien chaps are still "resting" after their New Year's libations and Vox Poplar not only left his electronic Ouija board on but also left me with his password. So, I'm the only one capable of posting. I may be dead, but thanks to the Demon Rum the others are dead to the world.

Goes to show that the standard of manhood has gone tragically down. In my day a gentlemen could bend the elbow for 48 hours straight, and then go out and conquer half of what is now Pakistan before tea-time.

And coincidentally, that's what I'm here to talk about. There's a serious lack of testicular fortitude among the living, and it's fit to make me retch at the sight of it.

One example of such egregious nutlessness is the recent so-called honour killing of two young Egyptian-American girls by their father.

I used the term so-called, because of a simple truth.

If your honour, manhood, and culture requires that you murder teenage girls, then your honour, manhood, and culture are not worth the powder to blow to hell.

Cultures are living things.

That's a fact.

And to stay alive they must adapt and evolve to an ever-changing world that both surrounds and imbues them. You must eliminate the things that are harmful to your cultures in the long run, like the mistreatment of women. Denial of this evolution is not only ignorant, but also suicidal.

And sometimes you have to be very blunt to help another culture along.

Back when I was alive and running the British army in India I was confronted by some Hindu chaps who were insisting that it was their tradition that they burn a widow alive.

I explained to them that it was our tradition, evolved over centuries of struggle, to hang men who burned women.

That was when their culture learned to adapt. Sure, they're still saddled with many things, but they are trying and are looking to be one of the coming superpowers of the 21st century.

But back again to the main topic of this conversation, the murder of two young ladies in Texas and how it looks like it was committed by their father in the name of his honour.

Well, sometimes hanging is not enough.

Sometimes you think that sticking the sort of man who would violate the laws of Man, God & Nature into a sack full of hungry rabid weasels and tossing them into a pit.

Bloody thuggish bastards.

The honour of a gentleman is to be found in how he protects the lives and rights of the fairer sex, not in how he brutalizes and controls them.

Of course there are those who decry me as 'Islamophobic' and 'offensive' for talking about such things, but remember one thing.

Murders like the ones in Texas, the hanging of an abused woman in Iran, the forcing of young girls into a burning building because they weren't properly encased in burqas, and countless other crimes against womanhood and humanity itself have all been justified using Islamic scripture and were done in the name of Islam.

If you don't find that truly offensive, then you don't really deserve to be called a gentleman.

And what's the matter with these so-called feminists?

Here I am, a pompous, cantankerous, old, white-male, Tory, imperialist piss-bag, who has been dead over 150 years and I sound like a bleeding suffragette compared to the stony silence of the so-called guardians of women's rights.

Bloody hell!

Get off your arses and stand up.

Because if you don't stand up for these women, they won't be able to stand up for you.

Well, I must be going now. I'm going to go haunt some folks tonight and hopefully scare some common sense into them.

That's no way to treat a lady...

A Special
View From The Afterlife
Commentary
by
General Sir Charles James Napier
Commander in Chief of the British Army in India 1849-1851

Tally ho to all you living folks.

Vox Poplar and those funny looking alien chaps are taking some time off in preparation for something they call the "New Year's Blow Out," so Vox has used his electric ouija board to summon up some spirits to fill in for them.

Don't see why you need to prepare for a good old-fashioned piss-up, but what do I know, I'm a long dead Englishman.

But anyway, let's get down to brass tacks.

I'm here to talk about a woman who has recently joined us here in the afterlife, her name was Benazir Bhutto and she became the first, and, as yet, youngest woman to be elected Prime Minister of a Muslim nation. That nation is Pakistan, whose creation by Mountbatten and Jinnah in 1947 was a botched operation if there ever was one, an opinion I make note of to mention to both of them at card night at the Afterlife Club.

But enough about history, I'm here to talk about the news...

I simply must declare that as an Englishman and a Gentleman that I am thoroughly disgusted by the behaviour of the al-Qaida assassin who, while drunk on visions of virgins, shot her and then blew himself up.

Of course, his fate is settled, I paid a visit to him last night and I must say that he's sadly disappointed to discover that his 72 "virgins" are all burly demons intent on using him for their sexual pleasure whilst wearing sharply spiked prophylactics.

Messy business, I dare say.

I am also deeply upset by the debased and degraded condition Pakistan has fallen too. Although I opposed its creation, feeling that the Indian subcontinent should be a diverse, but united and democratic commonwealth nation, I do have a certain emotional investment in it since there is a street in Karachi named after yours truly.

I mean what the bloody hell is going on over there?

They have a military dictator, Pervez Musharaff, who seems to have forgotten the first rule of dealing with maniacal insurgencies (Thrash the bastards soundly, then treat the survivors with kindness) instead replacing it with a sort of lily livered half-fighting-half-talking achieving nothing policy.

What the hell is wrong with their intelligence and security services? I mean don't they have to take an oath or something to protect their nation from all enemies foreign and domestic? And that includes from groups that sound religiously proper, but are in fact nothing but a shower of bastards intent on spreading misery and destruction. Doesn't their oath and pride in their service mean anything anymore?

And what is going one with the coroner's report? If all you knew about her death was from the official Pakistani reports, you'll be pulling your own head out of your arse in confusion. Why are they so bloody afraid to blame the men who are currently bragging, like common louts, about committing this disgusting and craven act?

And while I can understand being politically opposed to a political leader, a proper gentleman does not murder them. Especially when that politician is a lady who has displayed considerable courage like Miss Bhutto.

If you did not like her, here are some things you can do:

1. Don't vote for her.

2. Campaign against her.

3. Openly discuss her past scandals and failures.

But you DON'T MURDER HER!

It's highly uncivilized.

Well, pip-pip, I must go. It's getting onto to tea-time here in the Afterlife, and I have Miss Bhutto coming over for tea. I shan't be late, that would be quite rude and highly uncivilized.

Tally-ho!