Howdy Earthlings, it's your old buddy Xran the Fleshrender, space pirate, political pundit and the main man who simplifies complicated things that were made complicated by the simple.

Today I'm taking a look at former CIA director George Tenet and the little bombshells that are giving the media the screaming thigh sweats.

So let's light this candle...

This sharp looking fellow is...

former head of...

(Central Intelligence Agency)

During his tenure he

and also failed to catch or kill
He also said that it was a SLAM DUNK that
THIS GUYWas trying to build this...

As well as other nasty things

And failed to intercept those materials before they were sold or traded to...

Thus making Tenet the WORST CIA Director since...

who barred the CIA from doing any actual spying, or dealing with people who were not nice

Now a record like that would disqualify anyone from flipping burgers, let alone any lucrative book, movie, and political consulting deals.
So blame has to be shifted from

The method is simple
The Media will believe you
as long as you stick to the

Suddenly he is transformed from a loser to a hero

He's getting BOOK, MOVIE, POLITICAL CONSULTING DEALS and torrents of money and respectability coming out of his wazoo.

Sure he was a failure

But it doesn't mean he can't be a

I hope this clears everything up for you.


It's Finger Lickin' Hypocritical

Everybody's favorite animal rights moonbats PETA has set its sights on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a make your own Kentucky Fried Cruelty sign. (H/T Jawa)

Now being a bit of a connoisseurs of Earth's tastier creatures I find this a tad hypocritical considering senior members of PETA purchased a large freezer for the storage of ANIMALS THEY KILLED.

Enjoy my signs and feel free to make your own.


Apres Rosie Les Deluge

Remulak was supposed to do a piece about Harry Reid today, but he logged onto Hot Air and saw the video of Michelle Malkin dressed like a cheerleader and now won't leave his office, so I'm going to fill in with an entertainment report.

Rosie O'Donnell has announced that she will be leaving daily chat-fest The View after a year of public feuds, offensive behavior, and crackpot conspiracy theories.

Now she won't be leaving completely. She claims that she will be making occasional visits, but that's unlikely, considering the money she will d
emand for these visits.

So now the question arises, w
ho will replace Rosie.

ing an eminently logical being, trapped analyzing an illogical business I have composed a list of possible replacements for Rosie O'Donnell.

CINDY SHEEHAN- She's a paranoid, possibly anti-Semitic, attention mongering narcissist who thinks the whole world and all that happens in it revolves around her. Personality wise, she won't be very different from Rosie.

JABBA THE HUTT- Got a great personality, does really good with interviews and will fit comfortably in Rosie O'Donnell's chair. However, Jabba doesn't tolerate idiots lightly and will probably toss Joy Behar into the Rancor pit. Which could be a ratings winner if promoted properly.

LAURIE DAVID- Trophy wife of TV comedy gazillionaire Larry David, the man with two first names and producer of Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. She's self righteous, rude to people she considers 'criminals' who all seem to be Republicans, has no real knowledge of world issues outside of Daily Kos and also happens to be a complete and total hypocrite about the environment.

Now all of these candidates seem perfect replacements for Ms. O'Donnell, but after much computing I think I found I found someone who is a totally perfect match for Ms. O'Donnell.

EUGENE DRIBBLE- He lives in a dumpster behind a Taco Bell in Tarzana California. He believes in all the same things that Rosie believes in.

He thinks Republicans are evil and behind 9/11, that he's the only person who should be allowed to own guns, and that Donald Trump is a bad businessman. In fact, he thinks Donald Trump taps his brain with a neural scanner that he keeps it in his desk so he can steal his ideas.

He's more affordable than Rosie, instead of demanding $10 million a year, he's willing to work for food, and I think Barbara Walters will like the improved smell.

Who do you think should replace Rosie?



Howdy Earthlings, it's me, your old buddy Xran the Fleshrender here to make simple the complicated because things are being complicated by the simple.

Today I will
be explaining...

He leads the DEMOCRATS in the SENATE

He recently declared that the war in IRAQ was LOST
Then he tried to backtrack
Then he backtracked on his backtracking and announced that he and his buddies were putting in a new bill that
would order US troops to begin WITHDRAWAL from Iraq by OCTOBER and be completely out in 6 months


Was it to help

Not quite

Although it does help Bin Ladin

It has more to do with helping

George Soros is a very rich man
But he wants to be EVEN RICHER And more POWERFUL

He owns the Democratic Party through a network of foundations and political action groups


Because Bush makes it hard for Soros and his buddies to make money with people like

These BILLIONAIRE BUSINESSMEN want Bush out, and the war over before the next election so they can DO BUSINESS WITH THE NEXT DICTATOR OF IRAQ

Democrats want whatever Soros and his friends want
because they CONTROL ALL THEIR MONEY thanks to the
that Soros's associates composed

So Democrats do everything they can to end the war

Bring in a fresh dictator to Iraq

Help their rich friends get richer


before the SURGE works and

Some might call it treason

Some call it doing business


An Android Among the Stars #6

Greetings you pathetic organic Earthlings. It is time for another edition of my punishment covering those puny, pathetic, illogical creatures you call 'Celebrities.'

Remulak normally vaporizes those who try to overthrow him, but for me he decided to let out his inner sadist.

Anyway, let's begin.

1. Pop Singer Sheryl Crow illustrated her knowledge of complex planetary ecosystems by declaring that Global Warming can be stopped by regulating the amount of toilet paper people are allowed to use. And she wonders why Karl Rove didn't want to shake her hand at the Washington correspondents dinner.

Al Gore said it was a capitol idea and then promptly flushed twenty rolls of toilet paper causing the toilet in his house to overflow. Mr. Gore declared that it was okay, because he sold himself some 'Idiot Offset Credits.'

2. Actor Alec Baldwin is in hot water for a raging, foul-mouthed tirade h
e left for his 11 year old daughter on his ex-wife's answering machine. Thus blowing his chance at winning custody and ensuring that his daughter will grow to be yet another Hollywood basket case. Congratulations Alec, you proved to be more than just illogical, but downright idiotic.

Humans would be much better off if they were more like me, an android, and didn't clutter their already puny minds with pointless emotions and psychological trauma.

That is all for today Earthlings, so go find some other source for the sort of trivial drivel you seem to crave.

Boris Yeltsin is Dead & Russia Doesn't Look Too Good Either

Greetings puny Earthlings.

It has come to my attention that Boris Yeltsin, the former and first President of post-Soviet Russia died today.

Which is somehow fitting on a metaphorical level, since Russian democracy is dying as we speak and current commissar president, Vladimir Putin, seems intent on taking the whole country back to the Soviet Dark Age.

You see Putin is under what I call the 'Curse of Russian Rulers.' It goes back to the age of the Tsars, dominated the Soviet communist era, and is making a comeback in the Age of Putin.

I can summarize it this way: Russian rulers will always do anything to make themselves feel more powerful, even if it kills them.

You see whoever leads Russia inherits an inferiority complex as big as the nation itself. The land is vast and rich in resources, but it has always been backward, poor, and terribly managed. Yet Western Europe, and some of Russia's Eastern European neighbors are smaller, less endowed in
the resource department, but always had stronger economies, better standards of living and more advanced industries and technology.

Now the rulers of Russia could always initiate much needed reforms to the way things
are done there, and many have tried, to a small extent, but none were willing to go all the way to fully 'westernize' their nation.


Because a modern western state with the high standard of living, the advanced technology and the powerful economy is only truly possible as a functional democracy. To have functional democracy the Russian Ruler has to give up some of their power, and none want to.

So they try to force their country to advance at the point of the bayonet. That creates economic and social chaos and the potential for revolution.

To keep that possibility down Russian Rulers have to make themselves look and feel more powerful than they really are.

They isolate themselves from their more advanced neighbors, bully the weaker ones into submission, and do business with any and every anti-western power, even if they're on the hit list too.

It doesn't work, it only breeds corruption, despair, and violence. But it's the only way they know that doesn't involve divesting power, so they keep doing it, until the revolution does come, tossing out the old rulers, and bringing in new ones, to make the mistakes of the past all over again.

They refuse to accept that the western democratic way, with the rule of law and freedom is the only way.

Yeltsin may have been a drunk at the head of a government wracked with corruption, cronyism, and incompetence, but at least he at least appeared to recognize that Russia's future lay in the western way of the future, and not the past.

Oh well, at least the family will save money because they won't have to embalm him.


Questions for a Dead Man

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I haven't brought up the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech because I was just too damn angry. Something about people acting out their psychopathic fantasies on innocent people really boils my blood. So I tried to take my mind off the atrocity, by focusing on other things and avoiding one of my trademark volcanic rages.

But things have gotten even weirder since NBC News got a 'manifesto' and press kit by maniac
Cho Seung-Hui. In a series of statements described as incoherent, rambling and profanity laden he tried and failed to make people understand the reasons why he did what he did.

I say failed, because there's no way to truly understand crazy. Not even the crazy people understand crazy, that's why they're crazy.

But it did inspire to ask some questions of the late Cho Seung-Hui.

Questions like...

1. Who gave you the right to decide who lives and who dies? Let me tell you something, you ain't that important buddy, no puny mortal Earthling is, no matter what the voices in your head are telling you. The right to be crazy ends at your neighbor's nose, so keep your crazy to yourself.

2. Why do maniacal shooters like you only seem to kill innocent, likable people? How come no one's ever just 'snapped' and shot up a room full of drug-dealing Neo-Nazi pedophiles or an Al-Qaida cell planning their next attack? Were you just too fucking lazy to find some really evil people to get your psycho on with or did you just lack the balls?

3. Why didn't you do the sensible thing when you started getting the urge to kill everyone and then kill yourself? I'm not talking about turning yourself in to the police, or checking into a booby-hatch, I'm talking about sticking a 9mm hot lead injection right into your diseased brain first.

I'm still angry.

But at least I'm not going to hurt any innocent people.

I'm better than that.

Goddamn asshole.

With A Head This Big...

...I gotta know a few things.

(The Original Big Blue)

1. Never play pool against someone with a name that describes their weight and the place they come from.

2. If someone from the same ethnic group as you commits a terrible crime, do not make an appeal for Americans to not blame the entire ethnic group for it. 99.9% of Americans are well aware of the concept of the lone nut-job, and talking like CAIR does not help anyone, especially you.

3. Timetables in wartime only embolden your enemy.

4. Never play poker with a guy named 'Lucky.'

5. Armed societies are polite societies.

6. Pointless political gestures are just that: pointless.

7. If it sounds too good to be true, and I ain't involved, it ain't good at all.

8. If someone says that he is out to get you, he probably is.

9. Happiness is a warm plasma cannon.

10. If you think you can 'fix' someone, you're wrong.


Point / Counterpoint- Hello, Imus Be Going...

TEKTAK- Greetings Earthlings and welcome to another edition of Point / Counterpoint. I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid from the Right.

SNOTGLOB- And I'm Snotglob T. Mutant from the Left.

TEKTAK- First up, charges have been dropped in the Duke Rape case.

SNOTGLOB- That's a disgrace, an injustice. Innocence is no excuse for what they did?

TEKTAK- Did what?

SNOTGLOB- Being rich white males. They or their ancestors have to be guilty of something!

TEKTAK- Oy gevalt. The only truly guilty person in this debacle is Mike Nifong. At least the accuser can claim being more meshugginah than Britney Spears in a barber shop. Nifong is supposed to be a sane and sober public official who is sworn to uphold justice. Instead he inflamed racial and class tensions and tried to railroad three innocent men for a crime that didn't happen, just so he could win an election.

SNOTGLOB- But that's okay, he's a Democrat.

TEKTAK- Next up, the Don Imus fiasco. It turns out that whole controversy was started and fueled by a George Soros funded left wing group Media Matters who have people monitoring radio and TV broadcasts to look for censorship worthy gaffes.

SNOTGLOB- I don't see anything wrong with that. It's perfectly within the rights of well meaning liberals and their billionaire supporters to tear down right wing fascists like Don Imus.

TEKTAK- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut. Don Imus wasn't right wing. He was a liberal who supported John Kerry in the last presidential election, and regularly abused conservatives, Christians, and Republicans.



SNOTGLOB- But it's okay to make fun of them, why did Media Matters target Imus?

TEKTAK- He made fun of Hillary Clinton.

SNOTGLOB- Oh, well, that perfectly justifies censorship.

TEKTAK- Former congressman Tom Delay said that conservatives should target loudmouth Rosie O'Donnell of the View for being offensive to Asians, Christians, Republicans, and Americans in general.

SNOTGLOB- That's an egregious violation of everything that's decent!

TEKTAK- Thank you for illustrating the Left's double standard. However, I actually sort of agree with you. Like a lot of conservatives I don't think Rosie should be fired for being an ass. I think she should be publicly mocked and derided, the same thing that should have been done to Imus. Rosie also gives conservative humorists truckloads of material on a regular basis and for that we are thankful. Rosie needs to stay on the air so the American people can look straight into the distorted, paranoid, and often prejudiced face of the political left.

SNOTGLOB- Now I agree with Tom Delay.

TEKTAK- We live in an age of wonders. Our next issue is Nancy Pelosi and her recent attempt at diplomacy with Syria, complete with bogus peace offers from Israel.

SNOTGLOB- I think she did a wonderful thing by trying to restore America's standing on the world stage.

TEKTAK- How does undermining the President in wartime while boosting terrorist supporting dictatorships restore America's standing?

SNOTGLOB- It's supposed to help destroy the war effort so America will be defeated and when America's spirit is broken the Democrats will win elections. Then everything will be better.

TEKTAK- You're just making the points today aren't you?

SNOTGLOB- Well I've got a lotta brains.

TEKTAK- True, but that was your breakfast, not the contents of your head. Now let's move onto our final topic. There has been a horrific mass shooting on the campus of Virginia Tech. Over 30 people are dead, almost 30 people are wounded, and, as if on cue...

SNOTGLOB- This is all the fault of Charlton Heston and Tom Selleck for standing up for individual rights! Disarm the law abiding public! Disarm them now! THIS IS ALL BUSH'S FAULT!

TEKTAK- I rest my case. That's all for today so stay alert and stay on point.


One Alien's View: Mike Nifong & the Democratic Mind

(Lord & Master of the Universe)

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I don't normally watch 60 Minutes, having a low tolerance for geriatric whining, but I made a point to watch the Sunday April 15th edition because it had an interview with the three Duke Lacrosse players who were falsely accused of raping an African-American stripper named Crystal Mangum.

After watching the report I came to a conclusion about District Attorney Mike Nifong and the reasons why he violated legal ethics, civil rights, investigative procedure, basic common sense and human decency.

He did it because he was a Democrat.

In fact he is the Perfect Democrat.

Now some may say that I'm being a partisan hack, but since I'm neither a Republican, or an Earthling, I think I'm clear of that charge. Now let me present my case through the old Democratic Party tactic of broad generalization:

DEMOCRATS VIEW EVERYTHING THROUGH NARROW IDEOLOGICAL PRISMS: That means that Democrats, and left leaning folks in general believe in what some eggheads call "meta-narratives." It means that they believe that society and history function along certain lines with certain people acting in certain ways. Loosely translated, it's a euphemism for prejudice.

Democrats view all Republicans as evil, all actions done by America as evil, and that white males in the South are basically rapacious and evil. That last point was where Nifong steps in. He believed the accuser because it fit with his view of the white/upper class lacrosse players as modern versions of the rapacious white plantation owners raping black slave girls. (Conveniently forgetting the fact that most of those slave owners were hard core Democrats.)

It didn't matter that the accuser has a history of mental illness, drug-alcohol abuse, and making false accusations. It fit with Nifong's inbred Democrat prejudice and he was compelled to believe her though logic and evidence said otherwise.

It's also why Nancy Pelosi will play 'Shadow Diplomat' with Bashar Assad in Syria, all the while refusing to talk to her own President about important budget issues or allow her party-mates to debate on Fox News. Her meta-narrative compels her to believe that America , and everyone who supports America in any way is inherently evil while everyone who is against America, no matter how much innocent blood they spill, is somehow inherently good or truthful. And like Nifong, no amount of evidence to the contrary will convince them otherwise.

Which brings me to my next point...

DEMOCRATS IGNORE EVERYTHING THAT DOES NOT FIT THEIR WORLD VIEW: Mike Nifong was presented with evidence that showed the innocence of the Duke Boys. But he chose to ignore it, or in some cases, bury it. He had a point to prove, and he was when presented with anything that challenged the validity of that point, he just closed his eyes, covered his ears and lay on the floor in a fetal position going: "La-La-La I can't hear you." He even avoided interviewing the accuser, for fear that her ever-changing stories might convince him that he was trying to destroy three innocent lives.

Federal Democrats do the same thing. Senator Carl Levin regularly declares with absolute certainty that there was "no connection" between the late unlamented Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaida. This conveniently ignores all the documents seized from Iraqi intelligence showing a healthy relationship between the two supposedly opposing factions with Saddam giving many Al-Qaida members and associates money, shelter, training, and health care. Their friends in the media take their word for it, despite the evidence, and also willfully ignore blatant cases of corruption like Diane Fienstein's recent resignation from an appropriation committee that netted her husband millions of dollars.

Democrats don't just ignore inconvenient facts, they fear them. Because hearing that you might be wrong and that your opponents are not the spawn of the seven hells of Zydorg will prevent you from going through with my next point.

DEMOCRATS WILL DO AND SAY ANYTHING TO OBTAIN AND KEEP POWER: The Democrats believe that they are the arbiters of all that is good and pure in the world, that all who disagree with them are evil, and ignoring, or burying, all evidence to the contrary, leads to an 'ends justifies the means' attitude that can make some pretty damn ruthless politicians. Let's go back to Nifong for an example:

Mike Nifong was looking at an election campaign against an opponent with more experience, charisma, and talent than he had. He believed so strongly in the righteousness of his crusade against the threat of innocent men he decided that he must do some pretty drastic stuff to win. So in order to win the election he inflamed racial and class divisions, stomped all over the constitution and investigative procedure, and tried to railroad three innocent men on the word of a woman who, given time, would have included Darth
Vader, Foghorn Leghorn, Homer Simpson, and the original line-up of Menudo. He literally tore the county he was sworn to protect apart, and all for short term gain.

Federal Democrats do the same thing every day, like:
  • Presenting wartime budgets laden with enemy-boosting retreat-surrender timetables, and more pork than the Memphis in May BBQ festival.
  • Threatening broadcasters with having their licenses pulled if they didn't censor inconvenient but true material.
  • Basing headline grabbing stories on "fake but accurate" documents from questionable sources.
  • Exaggerating small stories into international crises to justify anti-American hatreds.
  • Making up inflammatory stories out of whole cloth to embarrass the nation and its government.
  • Violating national security by stealing and destroying important historical records, and getting away with it.
  • Meeting with the heads of terrorist states with bogus "peace proposals" that only serve to embarrass allies and embolden and legitimize homicidal enemies.

These sorts of things do damage to their country and their allies, but it helps Democrats appeal to their base of America-hating radicals, and shady billionaire money men in the short term, so to them it's worth all the chaos, death, and destruction.

I hope you Earthlings can wrap your heads around this little spiel of mine, because your survival may depend on it.

So keep watching the skies Earthlings, because we're watching you.


PS: Here's some linkage for HUMOR BLOGS.COM. They seem to like us, and the more linky love we send their way, the higher the rating we seem to get.


Shameless Google Whoring...


(Ruler of the Known Universe)

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's come to my attention that this blog gets a lot of visitors via the Google search engine. And that a lot of these visitors aren't looking for anything remotely connected to our alien brand of brilliant political commentary.

So, I've decided to bloat up our visitor stats with this little phenomena by creating a post of popular search terms that you Earthlings really should be ashamed of.

So here goes nothing.


Answers Please...

Greetings Earthlings. It's me, Varos Quasar with more questions that need answering.

1. Why was liberal shock-jock Don Imus fired for making an obnoxious statement which was much milder than the sort of statements made in rap music?

2. Why hasn't Al Sharpton been fired from his radio show for his blatantly racist and inflammatory rhetoric?

3. Why are Democrats willing to talk to any mass murdering and terror supporting dictator, but unwilling to talk to the US President over simple budget issues?

4. Why did Nancy Pelosi lie about her "breakthrough" with Syria over Israel?

5. How can anyone accept that Democrats are able to combat terrorism when they're all afraid of Fox News?

6. Why does the media spend so much time covering inanities like the Don Imus debacle and so little time on successes in Iraq?

7. Why won't any MSM outlets report on Diane Feinstein's resignation from a committee that made her husband millions of dollars?

8. If Nancy Sinatra had to point out that "These Boots Are Made For Walking," does that mean that people make boots for sitting?

9. Why do 'Blog Codes of Conduct' proposed by the left seem to only target speech from the right?

10. Why are Democrats afraid of Fox News?

11. Why do people accept every unseasonably warm day as evidence of Global Warming, and every unseasonably cold day as evidence of Global Warming?

12. Why is the climate Earth had in the 1950s-1980s considered some sort of ideal that has to be maintained? Wasn't it better when people could farm on Greenland?

13. How can John Edwards be considered a champion of the poor, when his own wife is scared of them?

If you have any answers, feel free to let me know.

An Android Among the Stars #5

It's time for the latest in Hollywood headlines that you puny little meatbag Earthlings crave, so let's get going:

1. Director Kevin Smith (of Clerks fame) has announced that his next film will be a horror movie called RED STATE. The film will be a shocking and terrifying epic of the horror spread by 'Christian Evangelicals.'

To summarize, the monster will not be terrorists, or mutant, or even flesh eating aliens, the monster will be Ned Flanders. I offered a more accurate title but the studio rejected naming the movie BOX OFFICE FAILURE.

2. Rosie O'Donnell said something stupid. I don't have anything specific, I'm just guessing, but I know that I'm right.

3. Larry Birkhead was proven to be the biological father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. I don't really care, and neither should you.

4. GRINDHOUSE ground to a halt at the box office thanks to poor scheduling, poor marketing, and poor word of mouth. The Weinstein Bros. who produced and released the film announced that they will take the experiment double feature and split it into two movies, thus turning one failure into 3 failures.


Overheard by Snotglob...

Hi there Earthlings.

I've been bugging Remulak to let me do more for the site, to offer a more liberal perspective. For a long time he gave me all kinds of excuses as to why I should stick to doing just Point/Counterpoint. But I could see right through them. Being an idiot does not disqualify you from being a blogger.

So here I am, using what Remulak says is my only real talent.

My excellent sense of hearing.

So here's a conversation I overheard between two Earthlings. Let's all take a listen.

Dammit Al, you sure got my nads in a vice over that stupid "nappy headed hos" remark I made.

Serves you right for being an idiot. Now I own your scrawny old white ass.

Can't we work something out. I got suspended for two weeks because of this. I need the money. Cowboy hats and bad haircuts don't grow on trees you know.

Hell no you wheezy old mullet wearing cracker. I need celebrities like you to say stupid things. That way I can get you on my radio show, score lots of free press, truckloads of donations to my 'cause,' and have my butt kissed on CNN by that uber-honky Anderson Cooper.

s, I have to keep yelling, or they'll might just start looking into my history for another excuse to avoid covering successful operations in Iraq.

What about me?

I could lose my job.

Chill out. You're a liberal, you won't get fired. Now if you were a right winger, your ass would be grass faster than a Democrat out of a honorable commitment.

Just stick to making fun of Republicans, conservative Christians, Jews, and politically disobedient homosexuals and you'll be fine.

That makes me feel better. Maybe I should blame my troubles on Israel.

That's the spirit.