MOXARGON-Greetings puny Earthlings and welcome to another edition of The MoxArgon Group. We've got a lot to cover today, so, first up the FBI searched the office of Louisiana Democrat Representative William Jefferson after he was videotaped taking a $100,000 bribe, $90,000 of which was found hidden in his freezer. What do you think?
XRAN- That's not that bright. It's diamonds hidden in ice cubes in the freezer, you hide paper currency where it's dry and the temperature's moderate, like in a breadbox, or potato bin.
VAROS- You seem to know a lot about hiding money.
XRAN- I do have a life outside this show.
ANDROID CAI/7- What strikes me as illogical is the response of Jefferson's political rival Republican speaker Dennis Hastert.
MOXARGON- Good point, I was just about to get to that. Hastert is running around claiming violation of the Constitution when the FBI went to extraordinary lengths to ensure the constitutionality of the search. What your theories?
XRAN- He's worried he might be next?
VAROS- Deep down he's an idiot?
ANDROID CAI/7- He is merely seeking to expand the privileges of his political class, a function that goes beyond mere party loyalty.
MOXARGON- All good points. Now my theory, and I must state that this is merely a theory and not derived in anyway from my advanced scanning technology, is that he's got something hidden in his office, like.... oh for argument's sake... a Guatemalan slave-girl chained in his office closet. Of course, like I said, it's just a theory.
Next topic: In the wake of pseudo-soldier Jesse MacBeth's claims of atrocities comes the possibility of a real atrocity committed by US Marines in Haditha. Now the mainstream media, aided by ex-Marine turned moonbat John Murtha, is rushing to condemn all involved before the investigation is complete. Are they right?
XRAN- Hell no, and I know you agree with me Remulak, you always make sure someone's guilty before you feed them to the Grellocks.
MOXARGON- True, knowing they're guilty makes the execution so much sweeter. But this isn't about me, this is about the MSM, what do you think Android Cai/7?
ANDROID CAI/7- It is illogical to condemn people before the evidence is studied. Those civilians could have been killed by bomb shrapnel, or shot by the so-called "insurgents," or shot accidentally by someone, who in the fog of war, mistook them for an enemy. There are too many variables at this point to make any sort of judgement. Let the investigators do their job before you start dispensing blame.
VAROS- I don't think the MSM is so irresponsible that they would broadly accuse people in the American Military of something that they didn't do and undermine the war and reconstruction efforts, simply to score points against a Republican administration... Oh wait, they would.
MOXARGON- In a heartbeat, sadly, and speaking of media bias, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has effectively told the Ottawa Press Gallery to stick it where the Supernovae don't shine, and they don't like it. What do you think?
XRAN- The actions of the Press Gallery, like walking out on press conferences, strikes me as childish, petulant, and the sort of thing they would never dare attempt under a Liberal Party government.
ANDROID CAI/7- Their tactics are illogical, Prime Minister Harper accuses them of bias, so what do they do, they engage in public behavior setting themselves up as some sort of opposition to the government. Canada has an elected opposition, it does not require one in the press gallery.
VAROS- It's a stark contrast to their behavior under the Liberal Party's 13 year reign of error. They even glorified Liberal PM Jean Chretien, who was unintelligible in both official languages.
MOXARGON- I think Harper's smarter than all the press put together. Early on he saw that the more the press attacked him, the higher his poll numbers went up. So he deliberately goads them into acting like yahoos, thereby ensuring a majority Conservative government in the next election. The Canadian media is the biggest form of idiot because they think they're smarter than everyone else, and he's using that against them.
Next topic: Entertainment speed round. I'm going to toss out a headline and you will each give me your opinion. First up: Dixie Chicks are mad at country music fans for not buying their album of anti-Bush diatribes.
ANDROID CAI/7- Insulting fans are not the way to win them back. That is illogical.
VAROS- Maybe their friends in Hollywood can get together and buy 10 million copies of their album, because no one else seems to be doing it.
MOXARGON- Next up: Madonna opens her new concert tour by hanging from a disco-style crucifix.
XRAN- That would offend people, if anyone gave a swamp-rat's butt about Madonna.
ANDROID CAI/7- Another case of trying to win fans by insulting them. Never works.
VAROS- Perhaps she should take all the effort she puts into generating bogus controversy and put it into making an album that doesn't make my ears bleed.
MOXARGON- I don't think that possible for her. So, Brangelina finally dropped their post-larval spawn, Shiloh, in Namibia. What do you think?
XRAN- So what, this child still won't save their puny planet from us.
ANDROID CAI/7- Why is the simple act of organic breeding the cause of so much excitement?
VAROS- I asked Koos-Koos the Seer of the Future to tell me what the child will look like when she grows up. The answer was quite shocking.
MOXARGON- What did he say?
VAROS- About average.
MOXARGON- That is shocking. Oh well, that's all the time we have for today, be sure to drop by on Thursday when we're hosting the Carnival of Comedy. So goodbye for now, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.