To the Class of 2008...

The following is a transcript of a speech given by Remulak MoxArgon, OverLord of the Known Universe to the 2008 Graduating Class of Sacred Heart High School in Columbus, Ohio.
Hello graduates.

It's good to be here again, in fact, I was here last year, and I'd like to thank my old teacher, and your current principal Sister Mary Margaret Halloran for inviting me back. You know the groove in the centre of my head isn't natural for my species, her swift hand with a yardstick gave it to me.

(audience laughs)

She's a good sport. But since I'm unlikely to be invited to speak at any university graduations since I think Noam Chomsky, Al Gore, Michael Moore, and all the other lefty sacred cows are more bull than cow.

(audience laughs)

But this is a momentous time in your life. Not only are you graduating High School, most of you are old enough to vote, and it is an election year. So I'll start my advice with this simple little maxim:

Don't vote a certain way because the media says that you should vote a certain way. Get the real facts, or don't vote at all.

You know what I'm talking about, you see it everywhere.

Second piece of advice:

Make a tharg-load of money.

Sorry for the language Sister Mary Margaret, but I have a point to make.

The days of one man, or woman, making a difference in the world as an "activist" or "community organizer" are over.

In the past 40 odd Earth years those roles have been suborned, subsumed, and subverted by a grating "activist industry" that claims to combat problems, but only makes things worse. That's because they employ professional activists who need to at least perpetuate existing problems, or at worst create new troubles, in order to keep their jobs and enrich themselves.

The days of the selfless, Gandhi like fellow, standing up for freedom against big odds is over as is the age of the "big solution." What needs to be done is to take yourself in hand, so to speak, and work for a whole bunch of small solutions.

The socialists of the world will tell you that the Universe is a zero sum game and that it is up to the state to ensure the everyone gets a piece of the mythical pie.

That's a load of Snarkennian O'narg droppings.

The state can only slice up the pie, and poorly at that. But only you, the man, or woman working in the real world, can make a fresh, new, and bigger pie. A gift denied to both state and socialist.

So here's what you do, you learn a trade, or a profession, you get a job, or start a business. You create wealth, sensible management of that wealth creates jobs and businesses, which creates more wealth, and so on, and so on.

My next piece of advice are for those of you who are joining the military, and I salute your courage and your service. Despite the claims of the chattering classes and the magpies of the media, your planet is at war, and your civilization, the most vibrant and inventive of any this wretched little planet has ever seen, is under threat, and you have the eyes to see that threat, and what needs to be done.

Don't listen to those who claim to oppose the war, but support the troops. They don't even know that their very claim is by itself a lie. You cannot support the troops if you do not support their mission, and anyone who lacks the intellectual honesty, and fundamental testicular fortitude to admit that, does not deserve your attention.

So keep a level head, stay alert, and keep your ass and head down.

And my final piece of advice is for all of you, and it's this: when someone says that the debate is over, then that means the debate has only just begun, and that cat is full of crap.

Thank you.


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Overheard by Snotglob: At MSNBC

Hi Earthlings.

Snotglob T. Mutant here, and Remulak is letting me post because they're all feeling lazy, what with bikini season starting on the planet Sexulon IV, so I'm going to let my super-freakish hearing do the work.

Today I pointed my ears at the headquarters of the MSNBC news channel, to hear real journalists talk about the truth, not like those fascists at Faux Noise Channel!

Let's take a listen:
CUB REPORTER- I have a report that Barack Obama is now claiming that his Uncle liberated Auschwitz in WW2.


CUB REPORTER- The Soviet Red Army liberated Auschwitz, not the American Army. He's either mistaken about basic history, lying, or delusional.

NEWS PRODUCER- But he's a Democrat, we can't report that, or the many other flubs, like knowing what Memorial Day is for, or saying we have 57 states, we're journalists, it's our sacred duty to protect Democratic candidates!

KEITH OLBERMANN- I just got a hot tip! Dan Quayle lost a game of Scrabble to his nephew!

NEWS PRODUCER- Now that's news! Send out the choppers, I want a satellite link, this is a major event, and we're going live!
Wow, it's like hearing Edward R. Murrow talking with Ida Tarbell, and I don't know who those people are...

Goodnight and good luck.


Douchebags of the Week... Erratically Scheduled Edition...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Time for another edition of our incorrectly titled DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!!!

1. FRANCE 2 TV: The French public broadcaster recently had their libel suit against media watchdog Phillipe Karsenty shot down by an appeals court because they were a bunch of lying douchebags. You see, France 2 first broadcast, and then maintained the myth of "Mohammed Al-Dura" a mythical Palestinian boy they claimed was killed by Israeli sharpshooters. When Karsenty challenged their story because independent investigators couldn't find proof that Al-Dura even existed, let alone got shot by Israeli troops who were aiming away from him, they sued for libel. If they had any testicular fortitude they'd have released the whole tape, and not just the snippets for their modern blood libel.

2. THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: For completely ignoring the 31,000+ scientists who signed a petition declaring man-made Global Warming and the profiteering and fear mongering around it as bunkum. And let's not forget the constant stream of gaffes coming from Barack Obama, if he was a Republican, we'd never hear the end of it, but since he's a Democratic, we'll never see it at all.

3. HILLARY CLINTON: For publicly pondering the assassination of her rival in a Freudian slip. One thing I can assure you Earthlings, is that Hillary will not be using the Gul-Hak Order of Triluria XII for the job. They expect to be paid, something Hillary's campaign isn't very keen on lately.

4. JIMMY CARTER: He's bound to have done something douchebaggy this week. It's as certain as the sunrise.

5. JOHN KERRY: For thinking that talking to the sexist, homophobic, imperialist theocrats of Iran would somehow gain "the moral high ground."

6. STEVEN SODERBERGH: For making a bloated 5 1/2 hour biopic of Che Guevera, and deliberately leaving out the racism, sexism, homophobia, and let's not forget homicidal aspects of his subject. Then having the chutzpah to blame his moral cowardice on conservatives, saying that it would be impossible to please them. How about telling a little bit of truth, that would have been enough.

So remember, if you see yourself on this list, then...
That's all for now, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.


The Candidates Speak!

BARACK OBAMA- Leave my wife alone! That's right, I am ordering you typical white people in the media to stop bringing up the crazy, paranoid, elitist, and occasionally racist things she says on the campaign trail. Just because she's saying those things as my spokesperson doesn't mean that you have any right to criticize them for their lack of logic, and prejudice. Sure, my campaign makes more gaffes than Dan Quayle on LSD, but that doesn't give you the right to report it.

HILLARY CLINTON- I would like state, that when I talked about Democratic candidates getting assassinated in June, I was not talking about Obama being assassinated in June by a certain Sicilian friend of mine name Guido. I was just talking, surmising, and possibly predicting, but I was not, repeat not, talking about any nefarious plans of mine, and anyone who does is part of the evil Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Who will be doing the assassinating... really, they will....

JOHN MCCAIN- All you scrawny little rodents make me want to puke up my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Negotiate with Iran? BAH! The only time I'll talk to Ahmadinejad is with a baseball bat. And if any of you whiny little pussies even look at me funny, I'll jerk out your lung and choke you with it.

COBRA COMMANDER- As your supreme leader I will eliminate all disease and poverty by having the sick and poor taken to the black pyramid of Zogar, where I will use the lost technology of Atlantis to suck out their life-force and give it to extend the lifespans of my voters.

Plus I will simplify the tax code. Damn IRS won't let me claim my lair as a deduction.

BOB BARR- I'm Bob Barr for the Libertarian Party. Nobody knows who I am, and neither do I. Will somebody tell me?



Greetings puny Earthlings, time for another look the NEWS OF THE EARTH!

1. Senator Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor this week. I'm not going to make a joke about his condition, even though we've had our differences, that would be terribly crass, but I will pass along this message: Hillary, I know he's voting for Obama, but take the damn pin out of the voodoo doll already!

2. Boy band bundler Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in prison for defrauding investors of over $300 million. His defense: Karl Rove made him do it.

3. Canada has angered leftists by beginning to deport deserters back to the United States, showing that if you don't want to be in the Army, you don't join the army in the first place.

4. A Democratic congresswoman and Hillary superdelegate is reported to have walked away from the mortgage on her California home. When asked why she did it, her answer was: Karl Rove made me do it.

5. Despite quadrupling in population, Polar Bears have been declared an endangered species. There's no punchline because the environment service it the joke now.

6. Cobra Commander is out of rehab and re-entering the race. The media has backed down on questioning him on the puppy kicking incident because he now says that Karl Rove did it.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.


The Leftist Mind: The Back End of Fear...

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I'd like to start by saying that those wacky Democrats truly are the gift that keeps on giving.

Lately they've been giving me quite a few insights in how the Leftist Mind views the concept of FEAR.

It's a common theme among leftists to accuse Republicans, conservatives, and anyone who shows a little common sense of "fear mongering."

You see the Leftist Mind thinks it is irrational fear mongering to be concerned about terrorists, nuclear aggression by mad theocrats, and other folks that seek to kill, maim, or even mutate the innocent.

And this raises the question: If all those worries are irrational fears then what exactly do Leftists fear?

Well there are several answers:

WHAT THEY FEAR: According to liberal Democrat Tom Harkin, folks should fear the US Military or, as the press likes to call it, The Killbot Factory, and that anyone who volunteers for military experience should be barred from public office, and shunned like potentially homicidal lepers. A view shared by other Democrats like John Murtha.

WHY THEY FEAR IT: Because it's an organisation dedicated to something other than their own power, namely the US Constitution and freedoms ensciribed therein. You see, the Leftist Mind is a solipsist mind, it views everything in terms of what gets power for itself and its allies, and any person or group that doesn't think in those terms should be feared and hated.

WHAT THEY FEAR: Global Warming. Sure, 31,500 scientists originally, and erroneously cited as supporting anthropogenic global warming went public to call it bunkum, the Left still says that it's going to destroy the entire planet and all life on it by sometime next week unless they're given total and absolute control.

WHY THEY FEAR IT: They don't really fear it. But they do see potential in fearing it for profit and power, the two main drives of the Leftist Mind. By ringing the doomsday bell, and shouting down all who dare speak treason, they can get laws passed that give them more control over the lives of others, while others profit hugely from supposedly "green" carbon credit scams.

WHAT THEY FEAR: Real alternative media. Talk radio, conservative blogs, etc.... these outlets, and their ideas have been blamed for everything from school shootings, war, cancer, why Michael Moore is fat.

WHY THEY FEAR IT: Because the Leftist Mind is about control. They want everyone to think like they do, and all the press to talk like they do. Alternative media is just that, an alternative to the group think attitude that dominates the mainstream press and it scares the living crap out of them. Plus, the hard questions these outlets ask, often expose their naked lust for power and control.

WHAT THEY FEAR: Christianity. According to Leftists, Ch
ristianity is the sole single cause of all problems in the world, and invented war, famine, plague, pestilence, and music of N*Sync.

WHY THEY FEAR IT: Because it believes in things beyond the state, and Christianity's root morality, which emphasizes free will, and personal ethical choices, often stands against absolute state power.

WHAT LEFTISTS DO NOT FEAR: Radical Islamist terrorists, dictatorships, economy destroying socialist policies, and the greed and corruption surrounding favourite pet projects like the UN, and the environmental movement.

WHY DON'T THEY FEAR THEM: Because they share the same core belief and ultimate goal of the Leftist Mind, the subjugation of individual will, to the overarching power of the state, human cost be damned.

That's all for now, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.



VP Candidate
& Official Spokesman
for the
COBRA Party.

Okay, I won't have any time to take questions. I have a statement from Cobra Commander about the recent publication of a picture showing him kicking a puppy.

I Cobra Commander, admit that what I did was wrong. I should not have kicked that puppy, even though it had rabies and was trying to bite an orphan (not pictured) at the time. My actions were extreme and offencive to many and I have entered an anger management program at the New Promises Rehab Centre, Spa, and Casino in Malibu California to deal with these issues.

I also have to fight the urge to shout "curses, foiled again," and to stop plotting revenge against GI Joe. The problem lies within me, and not with my mortal enemies.

Thank you.

Sincerely--Cobra Commander


Lemme get this straight: Cobra Commander kicks a puppy, and he's now the second coming of Michael Vick, and the lowest scumbag on the planet...

Where was the outrage when he tried to use the Crystal Skull of Rath-Ugar to drain the world's energy supply?

Why weren't you people this upset when he vapourized an entire peace conference?

What about the time he tried to turn the population of Australia into mutated plant-people?

Where was all the wailing and gnashing of teeth when he teleported Delaware to an alternate dimension where it was overrun with man-eating dinosaurs?

And what about all the people killed by his volcano machine?

That has to be worse than kicking a puppy, isn't it?


I can't stand this... I'm outta here....



Hello Earthlings, and the replicant spies Remulak has hidden among you. It's Xran here, with a shocking and appalling expose. I didn't want to let this out, but I'm bound by my duty as an investigative journalist to see the truth made public, even if it's about Remulak's favourite Presidential candidate.

I'm not talking about Hillary, Obama, or McCain... I'm talking about COBRA COMMANDER.

Is it about money? No. Is it about sex? No. Then what's it about? It's a picture.

A picture so shocking and disturbing that it will
make you question a man's humanity, even if you're not human.

So hold your breath, because this is just a little too much...
Egad that's horrendous!


Is this the man you want leading your country?

I told you I never forget....

PS: We also have a winner with our caption contest:

"You! Diner slave! I specifically ordered my tortilla with Grey Poupon, not this pedestrian salsa! And where the HELL is my latte?!"

(Throws coffee in waitress's face.)


TekTak's Culture Corner: Hillary Sings! The Bush Sings!

I have just obtained the lyrics to Hillary Clinton's new campaign song. It goes to the tune of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and the lyrics were written by Hillary herself...


Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely when voters don't come around
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit tired of losing to a guy named Obama

Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that my chance for power has gone by
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see how my poll standing dies
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart

Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit restless 'cuz Florida's disqualified
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit pissed off about my hubby's big mouth
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get really angry but women will vote for me when I cry
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see them vote for the black guy
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart

And I need you to vote white
And I need it more than ever
And if you'll only treat me right
I'll be ruling you forever
And we'll be sticking it to the right
Cause I'm the one who's Caucasian
My race talk maybe goes over the line
And I got Reverend Wright's on Obama's ass all of the time
His preacher is insane and bouncing off the walls
I maybe a woman but I'm the one with the balls

I really need you to vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white

Once upon a time I was Queen of the scene
But now my campaign's falling apart
If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

Ultimate power was the light in my life
But now my campaigns as bright as a fart
If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

Vote for me white guys
Vote for me white guys

Vote for me,

Every now and then I know you'll never be as electable as little old me
Vote for me,

Every now and then I know Democrats are more racist than sexist

Vote for me,

Every now and then the press acts like there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Vote for me,

Everyone knows that there is nothing I wouldn't do to beat you
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart

And I need you to vote white
And I need it more than ever
And if you'll only treat me right
I'll be ruling you forever
And we'll be sticking it to the right
Cause I'm the one who's Caucasian
My race talk maybe goes over the line
But I was actually in the White House once upon a time
Obama's wife is a crank and Iran's dancing in the halls
I maybe a woman but I'm the one with the balls

I really need you to vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white

Once upon a time I the media's star

But now my campaign's falling apart

If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

Seizing power was the light in my life
But now everyone loves old Barack
If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

And even George W. Bush is getting musical, with this new tune he co-wrote with Carly Simon:

You're So Vain by George W. Bush & Carly Simon

You have the Democratic party
Nomination tied in a knot
Your delegates making you the top guy
Putting Clinton down but not out
And I just make, one little speech
And all of you just freak out
And Joe Biden said it was bullshit,
Said it was bullshit, and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You popped up several years ago
And you're still quite naive
Well, you and Iran make such a pretty pair
And from Iraq you will quickly leave
And give away the USA's friends
To some tyrants to appease
I had some words, they were in a speech in the Knesset

Speech in the Knesset, and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some words they were in a speech to the Knesset
Speech to the Knesset, and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you

Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you want to go to Venezuela
And tell Hugo Chavez that he's won
Then you'll fly Air Force 1 up to old Tehran
To show Ayatollahs how to have fun

But, you're not on my mind all the time
And when you're not, I'm talking 'bout

Some weak politician kissing up to Hitler
saying "peace in our time," and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Who knew this folks were so musically inclined?


Random Rambling Reality Checks

Greetings puny Earthlings. Time to cash a few more reality checks.

1. The Vatican officially declared that it acknowledges the existence of aliens. All I have to say on the subject is that it's about time, we gave them the forms to fill out in 1459. That bureaucracy is slower than the DMV.

2. Some idiot is trying to get Barack Obama elected by selling stupid t-shirts with Curious George as Barack Obama. Come on you moronic Traggle dropping, if there's any fictional character that Obama looks like, it's Barney Fife!

3. Sean Penn declared that the since he was named chief judge of the Cannes Film Festival, only properly political films will qualify for the once prestigious Palm D'or. Nothing says that you're a liberal, than forcing people to obey your mad political edicts. Hey Sean, take a chill pill, and learn to laugh again, that rod up your ass has a rod up its ass.

4. In other movie news people are jumping on actor Jack Black for blowing the secret that the pregnant Angelina Jolie is carrying twins. That was not his intention, he was just talking about her boobs, it's all just a coincidence. Get off his back.

5. Joe Biden called President Bush's recent comments about the stupidity of appeasement "bullshit." I guess he knows, he's full of it.

6. Barack Obama was also offended by Bush's statements, claiming that his foreign policy platform is not appeasement, but more like fellatio.

7. Hillary Clinton said something about it too, but since nobody cares about her anymore I don't really know what she said.... Is she still in the race?

That's all for now, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

A paid political announcement from Barack Obama

Click to enlarge...


Xran Presents: Candidates Roundtable.

XRAN-- Hello Earthlings. Yes, I'm back with the MoxArgon Group. And I have to say that old Remulak is a tough negotiator. His Death-Droids couldn't scare my agent, but then Remulak brought over my ex-wives... Let's just say everyone's back where they should be, and I'm currently repressing my rage and bitterness through alcoholism. But enough about me, it's time for a special Candidates Roundtable. With me is Republican nominee John Mccain, Democratic challengers Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, and representing COBRA, Cobra Commander. Welcome everyone.

JOHN MCCAIN-- Good to be here.

HILLARY CLINTON-- Thanks for inviting me. White people vote for me!

BARACK OBAMA-- It's good for me to be here to bring hope and change to this roundtable.

COBRA COMMANDER-- I will bring this wretched world to its knees with my army of genetically mutated cyborg spiders!

XRAN-- Really, cool. Okay, first question for all the candidates. Where do you stand on Israel?

JOHN MCCAIN-- On the ground you mangy flea bitten varmint! And if anyone looks at Israel cock-eyed I'll reach down their throat and jerk out a lung.

HILLARY CLINTON-- I pledge to stand by Israel and talk tough to all its enemies, unless it becomes more politically expedient for me to throw it to the wolves.

BARACK OBAMA-- I will bring hope and change to the Middle East through a program of change and hope.

COBRA COMMANDER-- The dark legions of COBRA will protect Israel. Because picking on the Jews has become so cliché for terrorists. AND COBRA WILL SMASH ALL CLICHÉS!

XRAN-- Good for you. Our next question is about the war in Iraq. Where do you stand?

JOHN MCCAIN-- I stand on the collective throat of dead terrorists. We're in it, let's win it. And if anyone gripes about it, I'll rip their head off and shit down their neck!

HILLARY CLINTON-- I supported the war, but when it became unpopular, I dedicated myself to losing the war. But I will obliterate Iran, with a strongly worded letter, if they take over Iraq after our withdrawal.

BARACK OBAMA-- I will bring the nations of the Middle East hope through changing our policy of winning the war in Iraq, to one of losing the war in Iraq. I will then go, as representative of all 57 states to talk peace with the leaders of Al Qaida and Iran, just like Teddy Roosevelt did when negotiated the end of World War Two.

COBRA COMMANDER-- Are you high or something?

JOHN MCCAIN-- Yeah, I had you pegged as a punk kid, but now I realize that you're nuttier than a squirrel turd.

HILLARY CLINTON-- Which is why Democrats should vote for me, not only am I experienced, capable, and organized, I am also whiter than Barack Obama.

JOHN MCCAIN-- I can't believe you just played the race card.

BARACK OBAMA-- Anyone who questions the hope and change I bring is a racist against black people.

COBRA COMMANDER-- Barack Obama is black? I thought he was Don Knotts' son.

XRAN-- Okay, can we have a little order here... come on people.

JOHN MCCAIN-- And what the hell experience do you actually have Hillary?

HILLARY CLINTON-- I was never in prison!

JOHN MCCAIN-- I was a POW! And how the hell can you manage the country when your own campaign can't even pay the bills?

BARACK OBAMA-- And that is where my program of changeism and hopeitude will bring change and hope...

COBRA COMMANDER-- If you say and variation of "change and hope" again, I will sic my mutant attack dog on you! He's got lasers in his nose!

JOHN MCCAIN-- How does he smell?


HILLARY CLINTON-- While it is true I couldn't manage my way out of a paper bag, and it's true my business past is slightly shadier than Barack Obama's, but I want to be president. I deserve to be president, because I put up with Bill Clinton! I deserve it! GIMME GIMME GIMME!

JOHN MCCAIN-- I should smack all of you cranks up side your heads.

COBRA COMMANDER-- Why don't you shut up geezer!

JOHN MCCAIN-- I maybe a geezer, but I still shit bigger than all of you pipsqueak punks combined.

BARACK OBAMA-- I will bring hope and change...

COBRA COMMANDER-- Get him Snuggles!

XRAN-- And that's where things ended. Thanks to our advanced alien medical technology we were able to reattach everyone's limbs. And now that I've gotten to know your candidates, I can only say, God help you all. And Remulak, I won't forget this, no matter how many times you erase my brain!


Caption Fun

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's been a while since we did something fun with captions. So see what you can do with this pic:

"From the campaign bus to the short bus."

I'm sure you can do better.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.... and don't forget...

As they say, I like the cut of this Cobra Commander's jib. Plus he has a simplified tax code plan I can support.


Finally a campaign that I can believe in!

I'm still stuck in Los Angeles renegotiating Xran's contract, and I'm having a breakfast meeting with my cousin Rupert Murdoch this morning, but before I go I had to share this little tidbit with a hat tip to Hot Air.

As for the negotiations, I must give Xran's agent Dwayne Shapiro credit for courage. He didn't even flinch when I froze him in carbonite, teleported him to Antarctica, tried to replace him with an artificial replicant, and then held his condo under siege with a legion of DeathDroids.

Negotiating with studios really toughens a guy up. I might poach him for myself, or I might just poach him, depends on my mood really.

Anyway, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.


The Horror of Illiteracy...and Irrelevancy....



(once entertaining horror author)

Hello folks.

I should thank the MoxArgon Group and their "Token Earthling" Vox Poplar for letting me talk on their blog, but since they locked me in this contraption they call the Stainless Steel Tube of Truth, I really don't feel like it.

It's kind of cramped in here, it smells like feet, and I can't lie, spin, or otherwise fiddle with the truth.

I hate that.

Well, I've been getting a lot of flack for saying that the US Army was a haven for illiterates, thereby insulting the people who are fighting to defend the culture that made me rich and famous.

And while I will never admit it outside this tube I really do deserve that flack.

Damn, what the hell was I thinking when I said that the most technologically advanced military in the history of the planet was somehow the only career path left to the illiterate.

I guess I was making up for what I lost.

I really couldn't afford to be a leftist hippie back in the 60s. I was horrendously poor and had to work my ass off just to stay in school and stay fed. I just didn't have the time or the money like Bill Ayers and his Weather buddies.

But now I'm rich, famous, and the man behind Maximum Overdrive, and the last working class person I had any real contact with was the guy who ran me over a few years ago.

That means that I am now the perfect liberal.

So as a perfect liberal, I have to make broad and usually insulting declarations about the men and women in our military.

If I don't, I'll get a table next to the bathroom at the next Obama fund-raiser.

I can't have that, I'm Stephen-fucking-King.

Now can I get out of this tube?


Douchebags of the....Sort of Week....

Hello puny Earthlings. TekTak F. Mechanoid here with another edition in our inaccurately named and erratically timed series DOUCHEBAGS OF THE WEEK!

I'm filling in for Remulak who has returned to Earth, Xran got his agent out of the carbonite and they're ready to restart their contract negotiations. I think Remulak is intent on wrapping this up, he packed up his Club of Agreement and took it with him.

But enough about us when there are so many Earthling douchebags running free like lemmings being tossed off a cliff by nature documentary makers.

1. STEPHEN KING: The once entertaining horror writer decided to let the whole world know that since he's become rich and famous, he's also now a douchebag with this statement:
I don’t want to sound like an ad–a public service ad on TV–but the fact is that if you can read you can walk into a job later on. If you don’t then you got the Army, Iraq, I don’t know, something like that. It’s not as bright. So that’s my little commercial for that.
Yeah, that's right, he thinks the people operating complex and relatively technologically advanced military equipment are illiterates. Let me tell you a little fact Stevie, soldiers do read, they just don't read you anymore, pretty much like most people.

2. CELEBRITY "ENVIRONMENTALISTS": Click here to read how the beautiful people are really working hard to save your planet's environment by polluting so much 19th century Robber Barons look at them and say: "Damn you're filthy." The only one worth his green is Ed Begley Jr. because he at least walks the walk.

3. THE BURMA JUNTA: Just because they will most likely loot as much of the aid money coming from around the world in the aftermath of the devastating cyclone. And I won't call it Myam-Byalik-Mar because I can never remember how to spell it correctly.

4. BILL AYERS: Just for being an unrepentant spoiled brat who played terrorist, and for being photographed dancing on the flag of the only nation that wouldn't have dropped him in a cell 'til the plague rats gnawed his bones bare.

5. ROSIE O'DONNELL: For jumping into the spotlight again and declaring that Rev. "Hate Whitie" Wright 'made sense to me.' The only reason that raving bigot made sense to you Rosie is because you are full of nonsense. Here's a little tip, just because he hates Bush and the USA doesn't make anyone wonderful.
MoxArgon here, logging on remotely from the Beverly Hills Hotel, with my own nomination:

Barbra Walters: For whoring her past to somehow make up for her total lack of relevance to anyone without a summer place in the Hamptons. Especially for revealing an affair with a married Senator, tainting his old age with tabloid scandal. Once again showing the world that when you think the media has finally hit rock bottom, they start chiselling away to find new depths of classlessness.
So folks, if you find yourself on this list, remember that...
And keep watching the skies, stay on point, and all that jazz...


Random Rambling Reality Checks

1. Will conservatives please stop campaigning for Bobby Jindal to be chosen for McCain's Veep.

I like Bobby Jindal, I think he's got a good head on his shoulders, but he's only just been sworn in as governor of Louisiana, the closest any state in the USA has come to being a 3rd World basket case. He's got a hell of a lot of work to do to clean out the corruption, incompetence, and simple sense of state mandated hopelessness that's pretty much dominated Louisiana since before Huey Long. Let him get at least a term in to do his job before you start talking about him hitting the federal scene. Hell, if he's half as smart as his record shows, he could make a run for President himself in 2016 or 2020 after he has a couple of terms in.

So let Bobby do his job. Please.

Don't make me come down there.

2. Will someone please get Barack Obama a book like this:
Then maybe he might learn that slapping taxes on companies to somehow force them to lower their prices will only serve to cause them to RAISE THEIR PRICES.

3. Congrats to Tory Boris Johnson who beat Red Ken Livingstone to become Mayor of London, a city that would normally elect a shaved orangutan with brain damage if it ran on a Labour-Left Wing ticket.

Now show some balls like old Maggie Thatcher and get that city running again. What used to be the capital of the biggest empire in your puny planet's history has become a drink sodden, crime-ridden, basket case that, unless something drastic is done, will, within a generation, either collapse into either total anarchy, or become a radical Islamist city state.

That's all for now, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.


MoxArgon Xplains: Islamophobia

Greetings puny Earthlings.

You're probably wondering why I'm doing the Xplaining here today and not Xran.

Well, after his last little explanation post sparked a fat bump in our visits Xran got all big headed and signed on with the Creative Artists Agency in Hollywood to renegotiate his contract.

I've spent the last few days in Los Angeles with my legal androids trying to sort out a deal without bloodshed.

Well, we're at a bit of an impasse and negotiations have been suspended for the time being, or to be more exact Xran's agent Dwayne Shapiro has been suspended. In carbonite to be more exact.

My bad, I'm big enough to admit that, but he'll be thawed out in a week or two. So no harm, no foul.

Therefore, while Xran lounges by the pool at the Beverly Hilton, I'm filling in to update and explain things from his last post.

So, here goes, and be warned, it's pretty graphic....


Folks define...
as the

This is

She is the head of

She thinks that
is caused by


And while
thinks one has a
to not get their
She doesn't think people have a right to

Which makes


So if she's wrong what causes Islamophobia?

It might be...


or this...

The loss of basic fundamental liberties in order to not offend

That's the

Which doesn't seem like an
after all

What's the cure for

How about

refuse to allow

And stand up to...
Who let
get away with it.

I hope that clears things up for you... and keep watching the skies because we're watching you.