The Leftist Mind: Standards, Double and Otherwise...

Author Stephen King recently suggested in Time Magazine that Jenna Bush be water-boarded. The reason stating that it is the only way he would accept that water-boarding is not the equivalent of electrodes to the genitals.

Thanks for that Stephen, I'm sure it will get you invited to the next Hillary Clinton fund-raiser and land you a seat next to the alcohol preserved corpse of Norman Mailer, but it says more than it intended.

You remember all the fuss over Monica Lewinsky and her antics with Bill the Husband of Hillary.

Well, how do you think the press would react if a Republican demanded that Chelsea Clinton be forced to perform fellatio on her boss, and then stick a cigar where cigars are not meant to go, just to prove that Miss Lewinsky wasn't engaged in degrading sexual relations with an older authority figure?

They would shit kittens and call that person a pervert and a freak who should be cast into the outer darkness for bullying a defenseless young woman because of her father's politics.

Yet Stephen King calls for the water-boarding of a young woman, and he will no doubt be praised by those same people for "speaking truth to power."

And look at when Jenna got caught sneaking into bars before her 21st birthday. She sneaks a few underage beers and suddenly she's the sign of America's total collapse at the hands of her Hitlerian father and subjected to scorn and ridicule that still go on, despite the incidents being years ago.

Yet Al Gore III drives like a maniac, stoned out of his mind on illegal pot and prescription meds, and these same media figures who screamed how Bush should be punished for Jenna having a beer, are demanding that Al Gore II be drafted as President.

Was this double standard because little Al's antics, though potentially lethal for innocent bystanders, were done in a carbon sensitive Prius?


It's simply because Jenna's father is a Republican president.

And it's not just the media who practice strange and erratic double standards.

Look at the political left that's the Democratic Party's base.

They compare people opposed to churches being forced to perform same-sex weddings to Nazis.

Yet these same people are offended when someone uses the term fascist to describe those who imprison, torture and hang homosexuals.


And let's look at this strange moral inversion created by double standards which is glaringly obvious in the Muslim world.

Saudi Arabia is planning to dish out 200 lashes to a rape victim, for being raped.

This same country recently released 1,500 members of Al Qaida, for 'counseling.'

That's right, get raped, get whipped.

Murder, or help someone murder others, and you'll get a nice talking to, that will cure you of your urge to kill.


And look at a recent story from Sudan.

Islamic authorities have arrested a British teacher and is threatening her with flogging and imprisonment for the crime of naming a teddy bear Muhammad.

And yet it doesn't bother them in the least that when reading a list of recent mass murderers, and terrorists variations of the name Muhammad keep popping up over and over again.

Cuddly Gentle Teddy Bear= Blasphemy

Mass Slaughter= Heroic Praise

So let me get to my point.

Having a double standard means you have no standards at all.

In fact, it marks a definite lack of moral and intellectual courage. Especially when these same people who practice double standards aim the bulk of their venom on those who will most likely not respond with violence.

King is basically praising himself for being so courageous about attacking someone verbally knowing full well that he won't be attacked physically in response.

That's why Saudi law and order is eager to whip a defenseless young woman, but too chicken shit to dispense real justice to murderers. She will probably never kill anyone, but the terrorists are willing to plant some bombs to get their way.

And it's also why terrorists blow up markets, mosques, and office buildings by using demented suicide bombers, or remote controlled IEDs. Because they know they can't hack it in a fair fight against a trained and experienced enemy.

If anyone on the left had any real standards they'd stand up to Islamofascism alongside the right.

But since the average leftist is basically defenseless and a coward, they're a perfect target for terrorism. Hence their 'give them what they want' attitude.

And if terrorists had any real standards... well, they wouldn't be terrorists at all.


News of the Earth #12: The Sterile Edition

Howdy Earthlings!

It's your buddy Xran here with another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

Let's get the ball rolling!

DATELINE- ENGLAND: A British woman caused a bit of a stir when she said that she had an abortion and was sterilized because baby's little feet leave too big a carbon footprint. This is the next step in the de-evolution of the green movement, which used to be about 'saving the Earth for future generations' to 'killing future generations to save the Earth.'

Congratulations Al Gore, your Church of Gaia is now officially a suicide cult.

I'm willing to bet Rigellian Dolpaks to donuts that Al Gore is currently lobbying the Democrats in congress for a bill to force people to buy millions of his bogus carbon offsets or face sterilization or state mandated abortion.

It's the ultimate money maker.

DATELINE- CANTERBURY ENGLAND: The Archbishop of Canterbury said the USA is worse than Britain in its imperialist heyday. This statement, to a Muslim magazine achieved 2 things. It exposed the Archbishop's complete ignorance of history, and it won the Archbishop one day when a Muslim isn't plotting to cut his throat.

DATELINE- CALIFORNIA: Malibu is burning again. Which says something about building multi-million dollar homes on top of tinder dry brush-wood.

DATELINE- ANNAPOLIS MARYLAND: Syria says that they will attend the Annapolis Middle East peace summit. They give their reason as free food, and loads of aid for signing a treaty they have no intention of honouring.


Laying Down The Law Part 3: The Earthlings Speak

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's you future Lord and Master Remulak MoxArgon here, and I've been going through your suggestions for laws to be enacted when I bring your wretched little marble of a planet to heel.

So let's see what your puny little Earthling brains have come up with.
Fuloydo said...

What have you got to deal with frivolous lawsuits?

I'm thinking an extra time in the slammer for convicts trying to game the system, assuming they are trying to game the system and it's not a legitimate complaint.

For people not in jail....perhaps having to pay a minimum of 10% of what they were asking for to the people they tried to sue if they lose? Plus another 10% levied against the lawyer who took their case?
We have a very simple system in my empire, which is called the Known Universe. If a person files a lawsuit in good faith, because they honestly feel that they have been wronged, but the suit is found wanting, they may have to pay a portion of the defendant's legal fees if necessary.

If the suit is filed in bad faith, solely for the impoverishment of the
defendant through a barrage of legal fees, they have to pay all of the defendant's legal bills, and then have the choice of being forced out an airlock or face the deadly Rancor in open combat armed only with a rubber band.

Only a fellow named McGyver escaped the Rancor.

Clever little bastard!

Next up is..
Smilin' Joe Fission said...

One out of every 5th person getting a welfare check is to be lined up and shot in the street as an incentive to get off of welfare.

Include WIC with it.

9 out of every 10 liberals taken care of the same way.
Oh primitive ignorant Earthlings.

You don't need to shoot anyone to inspire people to get off welfare.

Not when you have mind controlling brain-slugs to do it for you.

And I assume WIC is some local form of injury compensation on your planet, I can tell you that we don't have that at all. When you have android doctors capable of replacing limbs and organs, and restoring the horribly mangled to perfect health within 24 Earth hours, it's really not necessary.

And I shot 9 out of 10 liberals who will work in the mucus mines?

Have you thought of that?

I don't think you did.

Next up...
RememberSekhmet said...

IQ tests for computer ownership, to be administered by comptetent, experienced tech support.
I hope spelling isn't included in the test, because your spelling of competent would condemn you to using a Commodore 64.
Public flaying for all losers who try to impersonate veterans. Followed by a lemon-juice bath if above impersonation was done to defame actual troops.
So, you believe in being soft on phony veterans. We normally just put them in stocks installed beneath the public lavatories at our monthly chili cook-off.

Oh the screams coming from those holes after TekTak's Kosher Napalm Chili would scare the horns off Deimonas of Atreyu.
Sheriff Joe Arpaio is appointed to head the prison system.
We're in contract negotiations with him, how did you guess?
Wyatt Earp said...

Would you consider hood-mounted plasma rifles for slow drivers ahead of you?
I have mine installed behind the headlights of my limo-transport. It only disintegrates the car, leaving the driver and passengers intact, so I can run them over as a lesson in good road etiquette. Though I don't think you Earthlings have the cranial capacity to use such tools wisely.

For now, you will only be permitted sonic disruptors, set to the 'brown note.'
Random Walker said...

The name Ron Paul will not be included in any political pool with the exception of the contest for the “Biggest Douche of the Universe”
Actually, he's only the 17th Biggest Douche in the Universe, behind Zeldar The Biggest Douchebag in the Universe, Odorios the Lesser Douche of Nehama IV and Al Gore.
Gnome Chimpski, Al Gorebot and Michael Mooron can no longer be cited as authorities on any topic (other than how to be a braking moonbat).
I don't know, my seers see them becoming quite expert on the topic of mucus mining in the near future.
Failure to obey above laws will result in the offender being fed to Michael Mooron (if Michael Mooron disobeys he will not be fed).
He's going to be too busy shoveling mucus to eat anyone. But good suggestions nonetheless.
Hippies will be washed. Survivors will be washed again, All we are saying is: “give soap a chance”
Cleanliness in the mucus mines will be strictly enforced. With caustic soap and wire brushes for the really recalcitrant ones.
Moonbat, traitor saboteurs who drop their babies while protesting will themselves be dropped… from the outer orbit.
Good idea, the orbital mucus haulers could use exterior ballast when they do a re-entry, and their children can definitely use new parents.
Those who demand income redistribution will see their income redistributed.
It won't be much, since mucus mine labour is paid mostly with food scraps, but we can try it as a social experiment.

I think you should also sentence spammers, phishers, and malware authors to only being able to use computers that have been rendered unusable because of their own garbage!
You Earthlings, so innocent and naive.

You're assuming that I'm going to let them live in any form where they'd be capable of computer use.
Damian G. said...

Please, please, for the love of God, make FOX News stop playing crap "news" stories about Britney, O.J. and the latest pretty white girl to go missing.

You've already vaporised Greta Van Susteren for her insolence on the matter; could you please make the rest of the network follow suit?
I own shares, and the audience seems to like the occasional dose of crappy faux news as long as it involves blonde hair, boobs and faux celebrities, who are also boobs.

Yes, I'm a bastard.

And finally this rather cryptic message from an Earthling...
Your Jewish Master said...

You probably already know that the Jews run things down here. Now, the Ron Paul supporters have been doing their best to expose our Zionist Conspiracy and New World Order, but have been able to keep close track, and eliminate the squeekiest wheels.

But my office did not receive any memo, let alone tribute from the Moxargons. And I must say, I am shocked. You know you face great annoyance when you get here, due to the aforementioned Zionist Conspiracy and New World Order. Just ask the Ron Paulians. So do the right thing, no-nose!

For now, you will be entered into the Blogroll for further investigation.

This Hebraic Hegemonist seems to think that I should be paying tribute to him....

Someone's off their meds.

I run THE KNOWN UNIVERSE, which is also known as ALL OF THE UNIVERSE, except the primitive little armpit worlds like your planet that I leave free for my amusement.

You're so primitive you probably don't even know that when you reach one end of the Universe, you enter the other end once you get past the Great Taffy Barrier.

Besides, I don't do the tribute thing. It's inefficient and wasteful. I have a flat tax of 15% on gross income and corporate revenue. You'd be surprised at how well that works.

Well, it's been a good laugh seeing how your puny minds work, but I've got some other things to do, like...


So keep watching the skies, because we're watching you!


Point/Counterpoint- Plants and Lashes Edition

TEKTAK- Hello Earthlings, it's time once again for a special Thanksgiving episode of Point-Counterpoint. I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid from the Right.

SNOTGLOB- And I'm Snotglob J. Mutant from the Left.

TEKTAK- Our first topic is the use of plants at the last Democratic Party debate on CNN--

SNOTGLOB- You racist bastard!


SNOTGLOB- Plants have the same right to vote and ask questions as the meat based life forms of Earth.

TEKTAK- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! I was not talking about sentient plant-life like the Vegents of Tarsus 12. I'm talking about planting Democratic Party operatives to ask questions posing as 'undecided voters.'

SNOTGLOB- Oh, that.

TEKTAK- Besides, Earth has no sentient vegetation aside from the carrot. And carrots don't vote because all they want to do is be eaten. They're a strange and suicidal species.

SNOTGLOB- Don't Earthlings have the right to pretend to be something they're not for the purpose of getting a politician elected?

TEKTAK- No. It's as if the candidate's unholy alliance with the Mainstream Media isn't bad enough, they're going even farther with the fakery.

SNOTGLOB- Now you're being sexist.

TEKTAK- How am I sexist?

SNOTGLOB- You're picking on Hillary Clinton. You beast.

TEKTAK- How am I picking on Hillary Clinton?

SNOTGLOB- Because you're bringing up the planted questions, her lack of executive experience, her tendency to use dirty tricks against her enemies, and her tendency to completely screw up everything she touches.

TEKTAK- I don't have to. You just did it for me.

SNOTGLOB- Damn! I've been tricked again!

TEKTAK- Next topic. Folks around the world are outraged at Saudi Arabia and it isn't about oil prices this time. Instead they're outraged at Saudi Arabia's courts sentencing a young woman to 200 lashes and a prison term. Her crime: BEING A RAPE VICTIM!

SNOTGLOB- I'm outraged!

TEKTAK- Finally something we can agree on!

SNOTGLOB- Yes. How dare the world pass judgement on Saudi Arabia's judicial system! It's cultural imperialism, that's what it is!

TEKTAK- I spoke too soon. Are you seriously saying that it is right for Saudi Arabia to give 200 lashes to a woman for being raped?

SNOTGLOB- It's there culture and we should respect it.

TEKTAK- What if George W. Bush decided that the Bible decreed that all rape victims be whipped?

SNOTGLOB- Then it's a fascist, sexist, racist imperialist crime against all Earthling-kind!

TEKTAK- Are you familiar with the term 'cognitive dissonance'?

SNOTGLOB- Hum a few bars.

TEKTAK- Do you remember Remulak's stance on who should get 200 lashes in a rape case?

SNOTGLOB- Yes. Remulak thinks the rapists should get 200 lashes.

TEKTAK- And he also calls that a 'good start.' You know how he feels about crimes against females.

SNOTGLOB- And that's why he's a cultural imperialist!

TEKTAK- You've certainly provided the turkey for this Thanksgiving. And that's all we have time for today, so keep writing Remulak with your suggestions for new laws and stay on point!


An Androind Among The Links

Greetings organic meatbags of Earth.

Instead of doing my usual Android Among the Stars segment I have decided to rest my circuits and link to a pop-culture blog that has done some cogent analysis of Hollywood and the movie business.

The blogger's name is Furious D, and I must give Remulak what you Earthlings call a hat-tip for telling me about this blog. He looks at Hollywood's contempt for everyone and everything, how Hollywood is like a sociopathic version of High School with it's pecking orders. He even suggests people stop buying DVDs to help end the strike, explains how Hollywood does business, and even has a formula for determining a star's true value.

I hope this friend of Remulak's appreciates the links.


PS: Remulak insists that you send more suggestions for laws to enact when he conquers your planet by visiting this post and leaving a comment. He promises to review them and give you his judgement at the end of the week.




Greetings puny Earthlings.

In my last post I discussed what new laws will be coming when I conquer your planet. And I'd like to add on more.

I will end Libel Tourism.

If it's true. It ain't libel, and there will be no court in the Known Universe that'll say otherwise.

This short video explains why....

Keep coming with ideas for new laws for my brutal regime to enact and keep watching the skies because we're watching you.



Greetings puny Earthlings.

I've come to realize that my impending invasion and inevitable conquest of your wretched little planet will bring about some major changes to how you live your lives.

To assuage your fears because there will nothing you can to stop my hordes, I thought I'd give you a preview of the sort of laws you will be living under during my reign of terror.

1. Christmas decorations in stores will not be allowed until the day after American Thanksgiving. When I came to visit on Halloween I noticed that some stores already had their Christmas stuff out next to the Halloween stuff. That is so wrong and it will be punishable with either public de-pantsing, or vaporization. What can I say? I'm a dictator and I decide a lot of punishments on whimsy.

2. The following red highlighted terms and phrases will henceforth be banned:
A) "Speaking truth to power." They're not, They're just being annoying.

B) "I question the timing." They're not questioning anything, they're just showing the world how paranoid and delusional they really are.

C) "Brave" "Courageous" or "Heroic" to describe millionaire celebrities who whine about Republicans. They are none of those things because they are not putting themselves in any real physical danger by criticizing Republicans. Now if they criticized Islamofascists and got a death-fatwa for their troubles, then they'd be showing some cojones. But until then, are nothing more than shrill craven cowards.

D) "Carbon Neutral" It's a myth. The only way a humanoid can be 'carbon neutral' if they stopped breathing and were frozen inside a completely sterilized comet that sped away from Earth. Because nothing that lives, rots, or farts, is, or ever will be, carbon neutral, and anyone who claims otherwise is lying for profit or delusional.

E) "Undocumented Alien" An undocumented alien is Xran without the papers that prove he's been vaccinated for distemper. An immigrant who does not have the legal papers that grant them the legal right to be in a certain country will be called 'Illegal aliens.'
Anyone caught using the banned phrases or terms are liable to face punishment by forcible airlock ejection into space. Either that, or a spanking, it all really depends on my mood on that day.

3. Universities will no longer be allowed to be a hot-bed for thuggish one sided political activism. All professors found wanting or interfering with the free speech of students, staff or visiting speakers, will be fired, out of a cannon. That is not dependent on my whimsy or mood.

Now do any of you puny Earthlings have any suggestions for laws that you would like my brutal regime to impose on your miserable little rock of a planet?


We have a question...

This question comes from Anonymous, who, in relation to my recent complaint about lefty gang-trolling of a blogger, asked:

How old are you? 15?

Interesting question.

I'm not 15 of your Earth years old, but I am 15.

Allow me to explain.

My species, the Flokians, are especially long lived. We measure our lifespans in Bukkins. A Bukkin is about 97 of your Earth years long, and I'm still a spring Zelnorb at 15 Bukkins.

Thanks for the question, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.


The Trolls Are Out Tonight...

Blogger & writer James Hudnall is currently being gang-trolled by some lefty Gorebal Warming Cultists.

Pop down to his site and leave him a note of support. They are flooding him with overlong pre-packaged rants hoping to bully him off the blogosphere.

Don't let the bastards get away with it.


The View From The Moral High Ground

(Token Earthling Correspondent)
1 ON 1


VOX- Welcome to our blog Senator Dodd.

DODD- I'm glad to be any place where people will listen to me.

VOX- You sparked some controversy with a recent blog at the Huffington Post where you claimed 9/11 architect Khalid Sheik Mohamed now had the moral high ground.

DODD- Yes I did. What's your question?

VOX- Are you high?

DODD- What?

VOX- Have you been dipping into someone's secret stash, and unlike Bill Clinton, you have inhaled?

DODD- Certainly not, and I must say that I'm offended by the inference.

VOX- It wasn't an inference. It was an accusation. So why did you claim that the man who planned the mass slaughter of American civilians has greater moral authorities than the nation he attacked?

DODD- That's easy. It's because Khalid Sheik Mohamed says he was tortured. Water boarded to be exact.

VOX- Do you know that Al Qaida terrorists are specifically trained to claim torture whenever they are captured by the so-called infidels?

DODD- Likely story.

VOX- It's in their training manual.

DODD- Yet another in a long litany of Bush lies, so innocent blood can be spilled for oil, Israel, and the jollies of Karl Rove.

VOX- So you take the word of an admitted Al Qaida terrorist over the government of the United States?

DODD- Of course.

VOX- Let's move onto the method that you consider torture.

DODD- You mean water-boarding.

VOX- Yes, water boarding. Do you know that acts much worse than water-boarding is being done in schools all over the world, except they call it The Swirly?

DODD- Yet another sign of the moral decay caused by the fascist Bush administration.

VOX- Let's look at what you think of as the qualifications for moral superiority. Khalid Sheik Mohamed is an admitted mass murderer and terrorist mastermind. But because he was water-boarded, he is now morally superior to the United States.

DODD- Absolutely.

VOX- So here's a situation. The leader of a country has engaged in a war of aggression against his neighbours. These neighbours, in partnership with other allies, stop his aggression by fighting back. Strategic and technological limitations force these neighbours to bomb cities, that kill civilians. Does the leader who started the war now have moral superiority?

DODD- Of course. It is always better to fold than to fight back.

VOX- You read it here first folks, Senator Christopher Dodd believes that Adolph Hitler was morally superior to the allies.

DODD- What?

VOX- It's a logical inference.

DODD- Sounds more like an accusation!

VOX- I'm just trying to figure out your mind-set.

DODD- Well you're not going to do that with rhetorical traps!

VOX- Okay. Then let me press this button.


DODD- Why am I in a tube?

VOX- That's my patented 'Tube of Truth.' You will be unable to lie while you're trapped in there.

DODD- Oh fudge.

VOX- So Senator Dodd, why did you claim that a monster like Khalid Sheik Mohamed had the moral high ground?

DODD- Because I want to be Hillary's Vice President! And to get that job I need to be able to deliver the Kos-Kids and Code Pinkos.

VOX- So your stance has no basis in morality?

DODD- I'm a Democrat Senator, nothing I do is based on any morality!

VOX- Why do you think making propaganda for the enemy in time of war is considered a good campaign strategy?

DODD- Because for Democrats to win America must lose. We need to lose the war in Iraq and be a weak and trembling nation in order for a Democrat to run this country the way they want to. It's what our billionaire masters demand! Now let me out of this tube!!!

VOX- Okay, that's all the time we have for now. See you all later.

DODD- Lemme out!!!



cash advance

Finally, proof that we alien overlords are smarter than you puny Earthlings.




This is it man!

It's the end man!

Game over man!

The whole world is going to blow up any frikkin' minute!

How do I know?

The signs are everywhere!

Pat Roberston endorsed Rudolph Guiliani!

A French President said nice things about America, and MEANT IT!

A Mainstream media TV network said 'NO' to Rosie O'Donnell!

And the Canadian dollar is now worth more than the US Greenback!

You pack up your things and hunker in your backyard bunker, but it ain't gonna help!

You're doomed!



Setting the Record Straight!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

I'm here to quell an unsettling rumor before it spreads like Baltarian Plague.


What Kucinich described was an 34321-Nimbus from the Antarean Consensus, and let me tell you something, I wouldn't be caught dead in one of those things.

They're the Gremlin of Interstellar Travel.

Sure, it's got lots of pretty lights, but its temporal-displacement drive is crap, it eats through Helium3 like no tomorrow, and its weapons systems couldn't scratch the paint on my nephew's toy truck.

So no matter what Kucinich, or Shirley MacLaine say, I was not there.

Mostly because she insists on serving vegan meals at parties, and I eat vegans, not vegan meals.

That's all, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.


NEWS OF THE EARTH #11: Slow News Week Edition

Hello Mr. & Mrs. Blogosphere and all her blogs in Cyberspace.

Vox Poplar here, let's go to press.

DATELINE- WASHINGTON: Hillary Clinton made a bold stand for feminism after her rivals for the Democratic Presidential nomination ganged up on her at an MSNBC debate. She told them to stop picking on her because she's a girl, or she'd cry. She also demanded $80 million in campaign contributions or she'd cry. When I asked her biggest contributor about this, the Communist Party of Red China said "No comment."

DATELINE- IRAQ: Casualties and violence continue to decline rapidly in Iraq. In the spirit of the mainstream media, I will now ignore it and report on the antics of Britney Spears as if it mattered.

DATELINE- HOLLYWOOD: The Teamsters announced that they will not work during the Hollywood writer's strike. No one in Hollywood noticed.


Red Eye Red Face

Greetings organic meat sacs of the planet Earth.

It's Android CAI-7 here and I have something that Remulak doesn't want you to see.

Recently my colleagues went on their annual Halloween expedition to Earth, and while all returned more or less intact, things did not go well there.

Remulak was insistent on meeting Fox Business News Hollywood Pundit Govindini Murty, but apparently he put his trust in Xran's navigational skills and ended up at the wrong show.

A very, very wrong show.

If I had the capacity to laugh, I would, now they destroyed all evidence and wiped all memories of their disastrous TV debut, but I have the last remaining transcript of the program.


GREG GUTFELD-Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Anderson Cooper 360, without the good looks and big money. We have some special guests for this special Halloween edition of Red Eye, and they appear to have all arrived in costume--

MOXARGON- This is NOT a costume!

GREG GUTFELD- First up is blogger and pundit Remulak MoxArgon. If witty and intelligent commentary were alien hordes, he'd be my Intergalactic Overlord.

MOXARGON- I am your intergalactic overlord!

GREG GUTFELD- Next up is Xran the Fleshrender, if sharp political analysis were a thermometer, he'd be wedged up my butt telling me how hot I was.

XRAN- What the hell?

GREG GUTFELD- Bill Schultz, my grotesque sidekick is missing, and presumed molested, in his place is Snotglob the Mutant. If slime were lubricant... oh hell, I'm not touching that one.

MOXARGON- You and everybody else.

SNOTGLOB- You're all pigs.

GREG GUTFELD- But first the Greg-a-logue. I want to take a minute to talk about Hillary Clinton's unending hunger for illegal Chinese campaign donations. All I can say is that if taking money from the same people who invaded Tibet and slaughtered protester in Tiannamen Square is wrong then Hillary doesn't want to be right. And that's my gut feeling!

MOXARGON- I would like to state for the record that we are not supposed to be here. And it's all Xran's fault.

XRAN- My fault!

MOXARGON- You insisted on coming to Fox News headquarters in New York, when the woman I came to Earth to meet Govindini Murty is in Los Angeles!

XRAN- I heard she worked for Fox, I thought she'd be here.

SNOTGLOB- I think Vox Poplar knew where she was.

MOXARGON- Then I guess we shouldn't have plasma-stunned him and stole his car.

XRAN- Sheesh, I just made that as a suggestion, it wasn't really a plan.

GREG GUTFELD- Can we get back to the show? I know it's a slow news week, but I still have to do something or Rupert Murdoch's going to beat me.

MOXARGON- Fine. Since I'm stuck on this ratty little cesspool of a show, we might as well talk. So speak!

GREG GUTFELD- Okay. Our first topic is driver's licenses for illegal aliens. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is all for them. Hillary Clinton is sometimes for them, sometimes against them. Where do you stand?

MOXARGON- I stand that this is done much better on my own blog.

GREG GUTFELD- How about driver's licenses for illegal aliens?

MOXARGON- Driver's licenses for illegal aliens only serves one purpose, and that is to promote voter fraud, and since investigations have proven that voter fraud favours Democrats it's Spitzer's attempt to hold onto power despite a performance in Albany that swings between dismal and paranoid.

GREG GUTFELD- How do you feel Snotglob?

SNOTGLOB- It's good that you phrased that question that way. Because this is not an issue that requires thought. It is an issue that requires a purely emotional stance. It's about being fair to people who come to violate the laws of this country so they can send money back their homeland to prop up their tottering governments. And to increase the level of fairness that a purely emotional response calls for Americans must sacrifice their language, their ideals, and even their constitution to make their country more like the countries these illegal aliens come from.

XRAN- Since Tektak's not here I guess I should step in for him. Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! Basically you're calling for the entire planet to be reduced to Third World levels as a form of fairness.

SNOTGLOB- Yes. Because making Third World countries function more efficiently would be racist.

MOXARGON- Snotglob you never cease to find new depths. What's the next topic?

GREG GUTFELD- I'd like to say something on the issue.

MOXARGON- And I'm the one with a Particle Blaster.

GREG GUTFELD- Good point. It looks like the Mainstream Media been embarrassed again, this time taking a spoof press release by lefty protest group Code Pink as a legitimate press release from private security firm Blackwater USA. What do you think?

MOXARGON- It's hardly surprising the MSM's been believing everything Code Pink has been saying for years.

SNOTGLOB- Code Pink is just speaking truth to power!

MOXARGON- Okay, I'm going to stun Snotglob.

GREG GUTFELD- Go right ahead.

(Moxargon shoots Snotglob who passes out on table)

XRAN- The MSM should have seen that the Blackwater press release was fake. First, it was printed on pink paper that smelled of patchouli oil, second, Blackwater was too busy burning down San Diego to write it. At least, that's what Randi Rhodes told me at Duffy's Tavern today. -Hic-

GREG GUTFELD- Let's go to our ombudsman Andy Levy. Andy.

(Tektak appears on a monitor at Andy Levy's desk)

TEKTAK- Sorry Greg, Andy Levy is a little tied up.

GREG GUTFELD- I can see that, he's tied to the desk behind you.

TEKTAK- At least he's now realized that the more he struggles the tighter it becomes.

GREG GUTFELD- That knot work looks familiar. Do you know Madame Exotica?

TEKTAK- Yes. He's my cousin.

GREG GUTFELD- Let's change the subject.

TEKTAK- All right. First up, Xran, nice save with the 'hermaphrodite slut' line, though I would have put more emphasis on the word 'ignorant.' Just letting you know. I'd also like to point out that Hillary Clinton is starting a new fundraising campaign because she performed so poorly on the MSNBC Democratic candidate debate. Apparently someone told her that there was a shady dollar out there she hadn't already taken.

MOXARGON- Will the wonders ever cease.

TEKTAK- And it looks like the Writer's Guild is going on strike, thus causing a potential drought of whiny anti-war movies that no one will see.

MOXARGON- I think the writers went to strike on this show before it even started.

GREG GUTFELD- Come on, this is my show!

MOXARGON- And you're on at 3 AM on Fox News. What does that tell you?

GREG GUTFELD- That's it, you're going down!

MOXARGON- Bring it on beotch!

(Greg Gutfeld lunges at Moxargon who grabs him by the head and lifts him off the floor. Greg Gutfeld's stubby limbs flail madly in the air.)

XRAN- Whose up for a complete memory wipe of this fiasco?

I will regret this later when Remulak sees what I have done, but I think it was worth it.