A Little Bit of Advice...

Hello Earthlings.

Tektak F. Mechanoid here and I've been looking at your Earthling news and I can't resist butting in with a little unsolicited advice.

1. Mark Sanford: Will someone get this guy a brain-scan? I mean come on, Michael Jackson dies, the only thing to get the mainstream media to drop a Republican scandal, and he goes and opens his big mouth, again, and again. He's gotta have like an aneurysm, or a brain tumor clouding his sense of reason.

My advice- get him some medical help, and his wife a damn good lawyer.

2. Cap & Trade: Crap & Raid is more accurate. This bill seeks to increase prices exponentially, destroy jobs, and hand Wall Street a whole new market more ephemeral than derivatives and sub-prime mortgages, otherwise known as carbon credit trading. And I haven't even touched the goodies for every political crook, crank and crackpot that it's going to dish out.

My advice- ditch it in the Senate, and anyone who votes for it should be voted out as soon as possible.

3. ObamaCare: Soon Americans will discover the joys of waiting 6 months to see a doctor, and another year to get a test, just like Canadians.

My advice- Forget the 50 million uninsured, the bulk of them can actually buy their own, but don't. Stick only to the 10 million chronically uninsured, and then you can do something. Either that or buy MoxArgon's android doctors and install them in every home. It's the only way you can get socialized health care to actually function.

4. Iran & North Korea: Both countries practice violent aggression against their neighbors and their own people, and both are working on nukes.

My advice- grow a pair, and do something.

I hope this advice is helpful.

Bye.

Is it just me?

Some
Thoughts
from
TekTak F.
Mechanoid


Hi Earthlings, TekTak here, and I've been doing some thinking lately and there have been some things that are bugging me, and I'm sure if it's just me, or is there something going on.

So I have to ask...

IS IT JUST ME...or does the whole AIG bonus boondoggle seem like a set-up? I mean Rahm Emmanuel, Chris Dodd and Tiny Tim Geithner finagle some language into the bill to protect those bonuses, then they lead the charge against them. I mean I know hypocricy is born in the heart of Democrats, but this just strikes me as a cheap distraction from some of the other, even more expensive boondoggles they're sneaking by.

Yeah, the idiots who drove AIG into the ground don't deserve bonuses, so you forbid them bonuses in the bill, not later with threats of "punishment taxes" which brings me to my next question.

IS IT JUST ME... or does that whole bill of attainder to seize the bonus money via the IRS strike you as a trial balloon for something more sinister?

I mean if that bill passes, then it would literally erase centuries of legal tradition, and generally transform America into an oversized banana republic where the political elite can just seize everything from their "enemies."

Even if the bill doesn't pass, the seed has been planted, and with all the fertilizer they're tossing, it just might bloom into something stinky.

IS IT JUST ME...or do Democrats have a problem with people wanting to be allies? Look at their foreign policy, it can summed up with the phrase "screw friends, reward enemies." I mean they kiss up to Iran, Cuba, Venezuela, and North Korea, but will leave Colombia, Brazil, Poland, India, and anyone else flapping in the wind.

IS IT JUST ME...or have the media, for the most part, just plain given up on any real journalism? I mean does anyone ask the Democrats any real questions?

IS IT JUST ME... or does Obama's addiction to the teleprompter show a certain lack of an essential leadership quality, which is the ability to think on one's feet?

IS IT JUST ME... or does a door to door campaign to pledge their fealty to a man above the constitution, to show support an agenda that no one has explained seem vaguely fascistic to anyone else but me?



Or am I being paranoid?

Some Questions To Ask?

Hi there Earthlings. TekTak F. Mechanoid here, Remulak's busy putting together the last details of booking his interview with Barack Obama and has left me in charge of the blog for a while.

Some recent events have raised some questions that the mainstream media don't seem to be asking, so we will.

1. Why aren't the Democrats doing their usual screaming and demanding special prosecutors, special inquiries, etc., etc., about the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac debacle? I mean these are the same people who, as Remulak likes to say, shit kittens over a Republican having a private e-mail account and equate it with war crimes. So why aren't they showing much interest in the roots of the current economic chaos? Could it be that Democrats blocked the reforms necessary to prevent the crisis?

2. Sean Penn is demanding that people vote Democrat so he can pay more taxes. My question is why doesn't he pay more taxes anyway? I mean, it's not like the IRS or any tax organisation would say no to anyone offering to pay more voluntarily. Could it be that his accountants will just hide Penn's money in the 37,000 pages of tax code that not even Charlie Rangel of the finance committee understand?

3. The Mainstream Media has lately been playing the race card like a degenerate gambler who thinks a Joker beats an Ace. They claim that only evil American racism can keep Barack Obama from the crown. Well, who are they calling racist? Could they be trying to slander Republicans by equating them with racism. Well there's a flaw in their reasoning, Republicans aren't voting for Obama because he's a tax-raising Chicago machine Democrat, not because he's black. So they must be saying that Democrats are racist. Which isn't much of a stretch, considering the Democrats were the party of slavery, the Confederacy, Jim Crow laws, segregation, and lynching.

But those are just my thoughts on the issues.

Keep watching the skies and all that...

Point/Counterpoint- Magazines & Books

TEKTAK- Hello Earthlings, puny and otherwise, it's time for another edition of Point- Counterpoint. I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid from the Right.

SNOTGLOB- And I'm Snotglob T. Mutant from the Left.

TEKTAK- First topic, the Atlantic Monthly was embarrassed when it was revealed that the photographer they hired to take pictures of Republican candidate John McCain photo-shopped the pics to make him look sinister.

SNOTGLOB- What's wrong with that? Isn't he sinister?

TEKTAK- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! The Atlantic Monthly is supposed to be a serious magazine of journalism and discussion, not be a propaganda organ for the Democratic Party!

SNOTGLOB- Aren't those two things the same?

TEKTAK- I don't even know why the photographer was hired, since her Bush Derangement Syndrome compelled her to terrorize and abuse children to make one of her political statements.

SNOTGLOB- There's nothing wrong with abusing children.

TEKTAK- What did you say?

SNOTGLOB- There's nothing wrong with abusing children in the name of bringing down the Bush-Hitler Reich.

TEKTAK- You honestly believe that?

SNOTGLOB- Bush is ultimately responsible for her abusing those children, since if he wasn't such a Nazi, she wouldn't have to abuse children to make him look bad!

TEKTAK- Snotglob, once again you have exposed exactly how the left really thinks.

SNOTGLOB- It's a gift.

TEKTAK- Now some enterprising conservatives are taking these bad pictures as an opportunity to get their tough message across, take a look...

SNOTGLOB- Fascist propaganda! Why isn't there photo-shopped blood drooling out of his mouth?

TEKTAK- Next topic: The Barack Obama campaign was embarrassed for attacking McCain about his not using e-mail--

SNOTGLOB- McCain doesn't e-mail! McCain doesn't e-mail! Nyah-nyah-nyah!

TEKTAK- McCain has to dictate his e-mails to either his secretary or his wife because the North Vietnamese broke his fingers and shoulders, leaving him unable to type without terrible pain.

SNOTGLOB- Nyah-nyah! McCain was tortured! McCain was tortured! Nyah-nyah!

TEKTAK- Stop that or I will beat you about the head with a brick. How can you just sit there and mock a man who was brutally tortured in the service of his country.

SNOTGLOB- Cry me a river. So what he's been tortured, Barack Obama had to sit through a Barbara Streisand concert. That's sacrifice in the greater good!

TEKTAK- So what if McCain doesn't type his own e-mails. Bill Clinton wrote something like two e-mails in his entire presidency, and both of them were about buying porn.

SNOTGLOB- See, Clinton supports free speech! Unlike Sarah Palin, who bans books!

TEKTAK- I was wondering when we were going to get to that. You say that Sarah Palin banned books?

SNOTGLOB- Yes.

TEKTAK- And what proof do you have? Do you have any paperwork from the Wasilla city hall, maybe some memos, photos or video of the book burning?

SNOTGLOB- I have an e-mail that says so!

TEKTAK- I rest my case on the importance of e-mail. That's all for now, so until next time, stay on point.

HEY MATT DAMON!

HEY MATT DAMON!

I hear you got caught spewing a bogus nutroots smear as fact simply because it was about Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin. Since you're the type to believe anything you're told as long as it fits your personal political bigotries here are some more bogus things for you to believe.

TOTALLY SHOCKING REPUBLICAN FACTS

1. Sara Palin not only believes in dinosaurs, she occassionally hunts them in a secret "Lost Valley." The entrance to it is located behind the Rite-Aid at the Wasilla shopping centre.

2. Sarah Palin has never associated with, or ran bogus "foundations" alongside admitted, unrepentant terrorist.

3. John McCain also believes in dinosaurs, because he had a pet one as a boy.

4. Sarah Palin believes that even Jews have a right to live!

5. Since neither Sarah Palin or John McCain have snorted cocaine off the buttocks of an underage prostitute, they have nothing in common with Hollywood voters.

6. John McCain & Sarah Palin believe that Barack Obama has poor judgement, no executive experience, and questionable policies, both foreign and domestic.

7. Sarah Palin looks better in a bikini than Joe Biden. Joe Biden in a bikini, is simply too disturbing.

8. John McCain has a small rat living in his jacket pocket. He calls him Mr. Nibbles, and they've been best buddies since the time they met in a wire cage the Vietnamese locked onto McCain's head.

9. Sarah Palin is really Tina Fey.

10. When Sarah Palin shoots people in the face, she means it.

Hope you like them Matt, then maybe you'll learn to stick to playing aging boy-men in movies, and to stay out of politics.

TekTak's Culture Corner: Putin Goes Ray Charles...

Georgia On My Mind by Vladimir Putin

Medvedev's new presidency
And as PM I must start
Make me think of Georgia
Why did we ever part?
Some sweet day when democracies fall
And the world says I'm wrong
I'll go back to Georgia
'Cause that's where my tanks belong.
Georgia, Georgia, the whole day through
Just the old sweet bombs keeps Georgia on my mind.
Georgia, Georgia, I'm conquering you
Comes as sweet and clear as artillery through the pines.
Other nations reach out to me
Beg me to act tenderly
Still in warlike dreams I see
Jets bombing the shit out of you.
Georgia, Georgia, no peace you'll find
Becoming your emperor keeps Georgia on my mind.

TekTak's Culture Corner: Obamalot!

Hello Earthlings, TekTak F. Mechanoid, your favourite singing cyborg here.

Looks like the Right Wing Conspiracy is trying to ham in on my act by doing their own political song parodies.

Well, well, looks like I'm going to have to teach this little upstart a lesson in just who the king of bad-ass beats and melodic mash-ups really is... cause's it a throw-down, a show-down, hell no I won't slow down, 'cause he's gonna go-down....OLD SCHOOL STYLE!


A-hem.... mi-mi-mi-mi....

OBAMALOT
(to the tune of Camelot sung/spoke by Richard Burton)

It's true! It's true! The media's made it clear.
That I, Obama, must be perfect all the year.

I will pass a massive tax-hike right here:
To take away all the money that you've got.
Cause there's a legal limit to what you earn here
In Obamalot.

I will ban all your guns if you remember
One hour after I'm sworn in on the dot.
While terrorists run free and dismember
In Obamalot.

Obamalot! Obamalot!
I know my policies are bizarre,
But in Obamalot, Obamalot
That's how conditions are.

My health plan will cause research to slow down.
And your chance for needed surgery will disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For crippling socialism than here
In Obamalot.

Obamalot! Obamalot!
I know it gives a person pause,
But in Obamalot, Obamalot
Those are my wacky laws.

The fairness doctrine will tell you only my side.
And all my critics will soon disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For crippling socialism than here
In Obamalot.

Why mess with the rest, when you've got the best!

Yeah!

Break-dance time!

TekTak's Culture Corner: Hillary Sings! The Bush Sings!

I have just obtained the lyrics to Hillary Clinton's new campaign song. It goes to the tune of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and the lyrics were written by Hillary herself...

HILLARY CLINTON'S NEW CAMPAIGN SONG

Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely when voters don't come around
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit tired of losing to a guy named Obama

Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that my chance for power has gone by
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see how my poll standing dies
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart

Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit restless 'cuz Florida's disqualified
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit pissed off about my hubby's big mouth
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get really angry but women will vote for me when I cry
Vote for me,

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified when I see them vote for the black guy
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart

And I need you to vote white
And I need it more than ever
And if you'll only treat me right
I'll be ruling you forever
And we'll be sticking it to the right
Cause I'm the one who's Caucasian
My race talk maybe goes over the line
And I got Reverend Wright's on Obama's ass all of the time
His preacher is insane and bouncing off the walls
I maybe a woman but I'm the one with the balls

I really need you to vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white

Once upon a time I was Queen of the scene
But now my campaign's falling apart
If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

Ultimate power was the light in my life
But now my campaigns as bright as a fart
If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

Vote for me white guys
Vote for me white guys

Vote for me,

Every now and then I know you'll never be as electable as little old me
Vote for me,

Every now and then I know Democrats are more racist than sexist

Vote for me,

Every now and then the press acts like there's no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you
Vote for me,

Everyone knows that there is nothing I wouldn't do to beat you
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart
Vote for me white guys,

Or my poor campaign will fall apart

And I need you to vote white
And I need it more than ever
And if you'll only treat me right
I'll be ruling you forever
And we'll be sticking it to the right
Cause I'm the one who's Caucasian
My race talk maybe goes over the line
But I was actually in the White House once upon a time
Obama's wife is a crank and Iran's dancing in the halls
I maybe a woman but I'm the one with the balls

I really need you to vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white
Democrat's gotta vote white

Once upon a time I the media's star

But now my campaign's falling apart

If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

Seizing power was the light in my life
But now everyone loves old Barack
If you don't vote for me
You can totally kiss my arse

And even George W. Bush is getting musical, with this new tune he co-wrote with Carly Simon:

You're So Vain by George W. Bush & Carly Simon

You have the Democratic party
Nomination tied in a knot
Your delegates making you the top guy
Putting Clinton down but not out
And I just make, one little speech
And all of you just freak out
And Joe Biden said it was bullshit,
Said it was bullshit, and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You popped up several years ago
And you're still quite naive
Well, you and Iran make such a pretty pair
And from Iraq you will quickly leave
And give away the USA's friends
To some tyrants to appease
I had some words, they were in a speech in the Knesset

Speech in the Knesset, and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some words they were in a speech to the Knesset
Speech to the Knesset, and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you

Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you want to go to Venezuela
And tell Hugo Chavez that he's won
Then you'll fly Air Force 1 up to old Tehran
To show Ayatollahs how to have fun

But, you're not on my mind all the time
And when you're not, I'm talking 'bout

Some weak politician kissing up to Hitler
saying "peace in our time," and

You're so vain
You probably think my speech was about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think my speech was about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Who knew this folks were so musically inclined?

News of the Earth: Matters of Race...

Hi Earthlings.

TekTak here, filling for Remulak MoxArgon who is in Los Angeles today.

After the spike in visits to see Xran's piece about the Mark Steyn / Maclean's Magazing HRC controversy Xran got all big headed and joined Mike Huckabee as a client of the Creative Artists Agency in Hollywood so they could renegotiate his contract.

I wish them luck, the last time someone tried to renegotiate a contract midway through, a planet exploded. I'm not accusing anyone of specifically blowing the planet up, I'm just saying that it happened.

But anyway I'm here to talk about the news, so let's get started while you still have a planet.

1. Police officers charged in the death of Sean Bell were acquitted of murder charges. In response Al Sharpton declared that he was going to "shut down the city." Well, I don't know the details of the case, but I can tell you that the moment the Bell's family let Sharpton into their lives, an acquittal was guaranteed.

Sharpton's mere presence on one side of any case is pretty much a declaration that the side he's involved with is going to forgo facts and evidence for racially charged invective and threats. Bringing in Sharpton on your side is practically an admission of fault, and if you want to avoid that, you should spurn Sharpton like you would spurn a rabid weasel.

2. Whoopi Goldberg declared that View co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck's desire to judge a candidate by qualification over race or gender was a "very white attitude." Doesn't anyone see that Whoopi managed to insult both whites and blacks with this?

Then let me explain. Basically Whoopi insulted whites, by declaring that their attitude is somehow wrongheaded because of their skin colour. But she also insulted African-Americans by saying that they aren't capable of considering qualifications, competence, or integrity when it comes to voting, if that person has the correct skin colour. While some wags might use that to explain the political career of Ray Nagin, it's patronizing, and insulting to African Americans.

3. Obama's sort-of ex-pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright made a speech to the National Press Club, after speaking to the NAACP and an interview that bordered on fellatio with Bill Moyers. While some in the media are declaring that all is forgiven and that we should "move on" but I don't think so. Obama's 20 year relationship with the race-baiting conspiracy spewing Wright and his subsequent spurning when it became inconvenient shows both a lack of judgement, and moral fibre on the part of Barack Obama.

It reveals that he only joined Wright's church because it was politically convenient for him, not out of any deep belief, and the fact that he joined such an openly racist church shows a serious lack of thought in anything beyond his own short-term ambitions.

Anyway, I hope you Earthlings learn get past all this racial stuff, because as my colleague Snotglob likes to say: "Earthlings all taste the same to me."

Keep watching the skies folks.

TekTak's Culture Corner: Obama Sings Mellencamp!

I just found Barack Obama's new campaign song, it's designed to appeal to small town voters and goes to the tune of John Mellencamp's "Small Town."

Well I hate folks in a small town
And I live in a big town
Wouldn't be caught dead in a small town
Oh, those bitter racist communities

I have no friends in a small town
They're inbred hicks in a small town
They're so dumb in a small town
But I still want them to vote for me

No education in a small town
Cling to guns & Jesus in a small town
They smell funny in those small towns
And aren't nearly as smooth as me

But I don't care for a small town
All inbred hicks in a small town
Married a Princeton doll and avoided small towns
And she's an elitist just like me

No I cannot forget where it is that I come from
I cannot forget the prep-school who taught me
Yeah, I can look down on folks in this small town
And Democrats will still vote for me

Got nothing to offer a small town
Still elitist enough to say
Look at the dummies in the small town
But my bed is in a large house
Oh, and thats good enough for me

Well I got elected in a big town
But I'd have to work for a living in a small town
Gonna spit on this small town
And Democrats will still vote for me

A Little Correction...

Hi folks, TekTak here.

There's been a lot of talk about this viral video from Mexico City....

Well, I guess it's up to me to explain.

That is not a hoax, and it's not the Millenium Falcon, though there is a resemblance.

It is in fact one of Remulak's shuttles we were taking back to his ship after he, Xran and I went to Charlton Heston's funeral to pay our last respects.

Remulak's the honorary president of the TRA, the Trans-Galactic Rifle Association, and met Charlton Heston at a convention in the 90s where they participated in a panel discussion of Plasma Rifle Safety Education and the Family. Xran was there as spokes-creature for the Soylent Green Corporation, and I actually worked with Chuck Heston, playing Richard Rich to his Thomas More, in a theatrical revival of A Man For All Seasons at the Hyper-Dimensional Theatre Festival on Flokia Prime while I was in college.

Now you're probably wondering why we were buzzing Mexico City, well, Xran wanted to pick some Tequila from some store he knew, and you know how it is, we spent half the day scanning the city, because Xran couldn't remember the address, and then we had a do a brainscan of a local, it was a lot of trouble, but it's pretty good tequila.

But keep watching the skies and all that.

TekTak's Culture Corner: A Patriotic Moment

Hello Earthlings.

TekTak F. Mechanoid here with an exclusive scoop.

It's what Barack Obama wants as the new National Anthem of the United States of America, and it's written by his long-time Pastor the Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

Enjoy.



The New True National Anthem*

by The Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

God damn America,
Land that I loathe,
Filled with Whiteys and dirty Righties
Who deserve to be bombed from above;

Go with Farrakhan, to see Quadafi,
Cause whitey made AIDS back at home,
God damn America,
My evil, racist home.
God damn America,
My racist, evil home.

Sounds catchy. I don't why people question Obama's patriotism.

*With apologies to Irving Berlin. You can stop spinning in your grave now.

TekTak's Culture Corner: The Boston Primary

Hello Earthlings.

TekTak here, and I have a new song. It's the new theme for Barack Obama's campaign, rewritten by Obama himself.

You can sing along to the tune of "More Than a Feeling" by Boston.

Nothing More Than A Feeling by Barack Obama

I looked out this morning and the vote was done
Turned on CNN to start my day
They're telling me I can do no wrong
I closed in as Hillary's lead slipped away

Its nothing more than a feeling, when I talk I've nothing to say
(A kinda warm fuzzy feeling)
You must be dreaming
(Nothing more than a feeling)
To expect something real any day
Wish all the big issues away

More qualified people have come and gone
Their issues fade as the days go by
Yet I still remain because I ramble on
Bland platitudes that's all pie in the sky

It's nothing more than a feeling, when I talk I've nothing to say
(A kinda warm fuzzy feeling)
You must be dreaming
(Nothing more than a feeling)
To expect something real any day
Just wish all the issues away

You're tired and Hillary's turning cold
You hide in my speeches, forget the day
And dream of a time that never was
Just close you eyes and vote for me
You vote for meeee.
Vote for meee.

It's nothing more than a feeling, when I talk I've nothing to say
(Nothing more than a feeling)
You must be dreaming
(A bland fuzzy feeling)
And then you turn off your brain and vote me!
Turn off your brain and vote for me!

TekTak's Culture Corner

Hello Earthlings.

TekTak here with another little bit of culture for all you folks.

This time, it's a happy song you can sing along too.

(To the tune of All The Young Dudes by Mott The Hoople)

Achmed rapped all night about his suicide
How he'd blow himself up and kill twenty-five
Jihad jive don't want to stay alive
And kill twenty-five

And Jafar's strapping bombs on poor retards
And Abdul's got spots from a gunshot in his face
Becoming the new master race

Television man is crazy saying we're all poor and we're mad
Oh man I don't need TV when I got Jihad!
Oh brother you guessed
I'm a dude dad

Young Muslim dudes

(Hey dudes)

Blame the Joos

(Where are they)

For bad shit we do

(Stand up Come on)

Faking the news
Young Muslim dudes

(I want to beat you)

Carry the news

(I want to kill you)

Blame it on Joos

(And I want to blow up all of you)

Carry the news

Now Ayman's really sweet when he dresses like a queen
But he can kick like a mule & make apostate's scream
But we can loath oh yes we can loath
And my Palestinian brothers are firing rockets, tossing stones
We really get off on that revolution stuff
What a drag too many snags

Now I'm not allowed wine but I'm still feeling fine
Got to cut off some cat's head
And then toss it all around
Listening to the voices in my head
YeahI'm a dude dad

Young Muslim dudes

(Hey dudes)

Keep blaming da Joos

(Where are they)

For bad shit we do

(Rise up)

Carry the news
Young Muslim dudes

(I want to stab ya)

Carry the news

(I want to shoot you)

In Iraq we are screwed

(And I want to set fire to you)

Carry the newsYoung Muslim dudes

(What dudes)

Carry the news

(Let's blame the news like the BBC)

Of the jihad we do

(I want to kick you)

Carry the newsYoung Muslim dudes

(Hey woman with the glasses)

Carry the news

(How dare you)

Your virgins are dudes

(How dare you sit at the front)

Carry the news

(And feel free to have friends)

Young Muslim dudes

(And showing your face in public!)

Carry the news
It's hot sheep we choose

(I want to honour kill her come on)

Carry the news

(Bring her here you go)

Young Muslim dudes

(I've wanted to do this for years)

Carry the news

(Time for your stoning!)

Sheep in the nudes

(How do you feel)

Carry the news

You Might Be a Dictator...

Hello Earthlings, Tektak F. Mechanoid here!

A happy belated Hanukkah to all my family, to most of my goy friends a preemptive Merry Christmas, and to all you atheists out there: ___________________.

Now there's a lot of talk about just who is a dictator and who isn't on your planet. So I've taken a break from my cameo appearance in the Family Units Xmas special to give you folks a few signs that you might be a dictator.

1. If Sean Penn comes to visit you...

...you might be a dictator.

2. If you hang people not for what they've done, but for what they are...

...you might be a dictator.

3. When you talk about genocide as a positive thing...

...you might be a dictator.

4. When you hear about water-boarding, and the first thing that comes to your mind is: "Wussies..."

...you might be a dictator.

5. When your idea of reform is to drive your nation back a few decades, if not centuries...

...you might be a dictator.

6. When you have journalists killed instead of being pwned by bloggers...

...you might be a dictator.

7. When Democrats think you need aid money...

...you might be a dictator.

8. When you like to label everything "People's" this and "Socialist" that...

...you might be a dictator.

9. When the CIA wants you to stay in power...

...you might be a dictator.

10. When your answer to everything is "kill'em"...

...you might be a dictator.

11. When you screw up, instead of taking responsibility, you blame the Jooos....

...you might be a dictator.

And to answer the question that's on all your puny little minds... Remulak did not score on this test. He's more of a tyrant than a dictator.

I'm due back on set, so all you Earthlings keep watching the skies and stay on point.

What is Your Major Malfunction?

Being a cyborg I find that I have a rather unique position when it comes to understanding both organic and machine behavior.

But there are some times when the behavior of humans begs me to ask the question:

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

Don't say you don't ask that question yourself, because then you'd be a liar.

So I'd like to pose variations of this question to various Earthlings...

MICHAEL VICK: You had a career with the NFL that could have netted you a fortune in the hundreds of millions of dollars. Yet you pissed it all away to feel like a 'big time gangsta' running a decidedly small time dog-fighting operation. Now you've plead guilty, the homies, who you ran the dogfights to impress, have ratted you out to save their own hides, and your name is now synonymous with hurting animals, which makes you lower than pond scum in the books of the average American.

Was it worth it?

Couldn't you see what discovery would do to you?

Are you that twisted that you'll toss everything you worked for away just to be cruel?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

DEMOCRATS: I know you need America to be trembling and weak in order for your party to grab and maintain power, but is it necessary to tear the nation apart while it's in the middle of a war? And you're so wishy-washy about it. You declared the surge a failure before it started, the war lost before it was finished, and now that it looks like America may just win despite you, you're now taking credit for the 'surge' and now want the democratically elected Iraqi government taken down.

Are you so blinded with hatred of Bush, a lust for power, and the donations of shady hedge fund operators that you can't see that the world is in an existential struggle between the 21st century world of the West, and the mythical 7th century world of the radical Islamist?

Is getting control of congress and the presidency worth it when it will mean the deaths of thousands, if not millions, of people in the future?

Why do you hate democracy so much, when you've named your party after it?

Do you really place any value on what you claim are your values?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

ROSIE O'DONNELL: A recent quasi-haiku screed of yours basically said that lying causes cancer. That has about as much scientific merit as claiming that fire does not melt steel, but it is still a strange, narrow minded, and cruel thing to say.

How can you say that when you've built your entire career on the lie of pretending to be nice, when deep down you're full of anger, resentment, bitterness and hatred?

How can you hate a nation that allowed someone like you, devoid of looks, personality, or talent, to become a rich and successful entertainer?

How can you honestly believe that the American government engineered 9/11/01?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS: Isn't it time we let this whole 'body art' fad to rest.

How does getting a tattoo declare your 'individuality,' when over 1/3 of people under 50 have at least one?

Doesn't that make you just part of the herd?

Why would you put a picture you wouldn't put on your wall permanently on your body?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Okay Vlad, the Russian economy's chugging along, thanks to its oil and gas reserves, but things aren't all that rosy. The country's population is collapsing, Islamists are poised to take over, China's nipping at your outer edges, yet you insist on standing as an enemy to the West, while coddling the very people who want to carve your country up.

Don't you realize that the West is the only chance Russia has to survive?

Why are you trying to restart the Cold War with the USA, when there is a hot one between civilization and Islamist barbarism?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

TRUST FUND ANARCHISTS: Lord save us all from you obnoxious dorks in your masks and hooded sweatshirts who are able to attend every goofball political protest because Daddy is the biggest car dealer in Portland Oregon and will pay for the lawyers and restitution to get you out of trouble.

Do you honestly think that smashing windows will somehow help your cause, or are you just a bunch of dicks?

And why do you think that you have the right to throw rocks at police, and that the police have no right to beat your pasty white ass for doing it?

Do you honestly believe that trying to storm a summit meeting to 'arrest' George W. Bush for 'crimes against humanity' makes you look like anything other than the political equivalent of a spoiled brat who overdosed on too much Chomsky and not enough reality?

WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION?

That's all for now. I'll probably come up with more later, so until then, stay on point!

A Case of Arrested Development

An
Open Letter From

TekTak F. Mechanoid
(former child star/ political pundit)
to
Lindsay Lohan
(party girl/part-time actress)

Dear Lindsay.

You really tossed a Targellian boner this time. Mere hours after turning yourself in to face drunk driving charges and being fitted with a booze detecting ankle bracelet you get arrested again, for drunk driving and cocaine possession.

What is your major malfunction?

I'm serious.

It's as if all that earlier humiliation was not enough, you had to make everything worse by making the booze detector sing "How dry I am."

I used to be a child actor, and I know that the transition to mature work is tough, I lost my cute, which was my big selling point on Family Units which is why I reinvented myself as a journalist and political analyst.

You were lucky, puberty had been inordinately kind to you, and you had some box office clout, there are legions of former child-stars who would love to have been in your position.

And you pissed it away.

I know you're still basically just a kid, despite the bod and the driver's license, and having your childhood stolen by rampaging stage-parents kind of leaves you in stuck in a state of stunted emotional growth.

But you shouldn't let that run your life.

You have to grow up, and grow up now, or you won't grow up at all.

I know you think you're being hip and stylish, but being a drunk, drugged out, tattooed skankenstein's monster isn't being hip.

To be hip is to be original.

That path is not original.

In fact, it's getting to be sad and pathetic for its total lack of originality.

You even got rid of your red-hair, the only feature that separates you from the others, and made yourself into yet another doped out dumb Hollywood blond.

I'm no Dr. Sanity, but all this strikes me as the behaviour of someone who hates herself.

My advice.

Ditch the tattoos, the starvation dieting, the skankified style, and especially the booze and the drugs.

You need help.

Serious help.

Not the sort of help they dispense at those country club rehab centers.

I'm talking the sort of full psychiatric makeover that would make Tom Cruise pop his Xenu.

Get it now.

Before you end up dead from a combination of anorexia, alcoholism, and drug abuse, or worse, driving over some kid because you were too drunk to drive and too stupid to know any better.

Sincerely-

TekTak F. Mechanoid

Rebel Rebel

Greg Gutfeld has a good post on rebellion.

Read it if you're cool enough.

Meme Post

Hi Earthlings.

Remulak is making all of us do that silly meme thing, so here goes.

8 THINGS ABOUT TEKTAK F. MECHANOID

8. I used to be a child actor on my home planet. My first job was as the "Happy Kid" in a commercial for breakfast cereal. I had to do fifty takes of me eating an entire bowl of cereal.

7. I haven't eaten cereal since.

6. I enjoy restoring classic shuttles and small spacecraft.

5. 60% of my parts are artificial.

4. I can't really swim, I just sink to the bottom.

3. I can juggle six plasma grenades without dropping them. Practicing that skill is why I'm 60% artificial parts.

2. When I use my infrared scanner, I can see where people are going to get zits, before they get zits.

1. As a child sitcom star I recorded an album. Remulak destroyed all copies as an act of mercy to the universe.

NEWS OF THE EARTH #6

Greetings Earthlings.

TekTak here with another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

LONDON- Investigators said that all 8 suspects in the recently pooch-screwed London/Glasgow car bomb plot are involved in Britain's National Health Service. That explains why they wanted their victims to fill out acres of forms and then wait 6 months to get on the waiting list to be blown up.

WASHINGTON- President Bush commuted the sentence of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby over the weekend. This naturally drew the ire of Democrats who conveniently forgot the cadre of drug dealers, insider traders, bribers and terrorists pardoned by their boy Bill Clinton. I personally agree with the commutation.

1. It keeps Scooter out of prison, where he was sentenced to do less time than Jihadi homicide helper Lynne Stewart (who has yet to do any actual prison time).
   
2. It denies Fitzgerald the orange-jumpsuit money shot he needs for the Democratic nomination for governor of Illinois.
   
3. It gives Scooter and his lawyers a chance to get the conviction itself quashed on appeal. Why will it be quashed? Because Scooter was convicted of not remembering idle gossip about something that Prosecutor Fitzgerald deemed wasn't a crime months, if not years before he was called to the grand jury.

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA- Someone claims that humans use too much of the sun's energy. I guess the author thinks humans should start conserving the sun's energy by becoming completely subterranean, like Morlocks or Chud. Of course, then the author would find something else to complain about, like how they're eating too many Eloi or digging too many tunnels.

ASSALOUYEH, IRAN- Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Venezuela's Hugo Chavez signed a new pact uniting their countries against the USA. The name for this new partnership will be the Axis of Idiots. They will also be co-authoring a new book entitled "Running Oil Rich Countries into Poverty & Despair for Dummies."

BOSTON- Researchers claim to have developed a pill that eliminates bad memories. Just one dose and the people taking the drug completely forget that Rosie O'Donnell even exists.