Predictions 2006!

MOXARGON: Greetings puny Earthlings. I understand that it’s the time when you change your calendars and usher in the year 2006. So, since you people love to know what the future holds for you, we’ve called in Koos-Koos, the Supreme Cranium of the Ferret Stranglers of Vocaflax VIII. He actually has the power to cut through the mists of time and see future events. Welcome Koos-Koos.

KOOS-KOOS: It’s good to be here Remulak. By the way, you better have a doctor look at that lump on your neck.

REMULAK: There’s no lump on my neck?

KOOS-KOOS: Not today.

REMULAK: Why don’t we talk about the Earthlings, because talking about me is kind of creepy?

KOOS-KOOS: Sure.

REMULAK: What does the future hold in 2006 for President George W. Bush?

KOOS-KOOS: This will be a year of great triumphs for Imperial OverLord Bush. His crushing of the Islam-fascist-terrorist insurgency will continue with increased energy and success. The American Imperial economy will enjoy great growth, low unemployment, and an improved environment. None of this will get any media attention though. The mainstream press will be giving twenty-four/seven coverage of a possible rumor leaked by a CIA Agent that Karl Rove once gave the finger to someone who cut him off in traffic.

REMULAK: Interesting. What about OverLord Bush’s opposition in his empire, the Democrats?

KOOS-KOOS: Aside from demanding a special prosecutor to investigate what the media will dub ‘Finger-Gate,’ the Democrats will continue their strategy of supporting everyone opposed to real democracy while opposing and subverting all attempts to protect and promote democracy. This will lead to an increase in the Republican majority in the 2006 elections.

REMULAK: How will Howard Dean take it?

KOOS-KOOS: Not well. During a press conference he will call every single person in America who voted for the Republicans: “a pack of Bible thumping rat-suckling retards.” This will cause Democratic support to plunge everywhere except among Hollywood Celebrities and eccentric billionaire financiers. Howard Dean will then be named as co-anchor with Katie Couric of the CBS Evening News. The network’s news ratings will plunge lower than a digital channel that only show subtitled Albanian movies about suicidal depression among goats.

REMULAK: What about Hollywood? What’s in store from tinsel-town in 2006?

KOOS-KOOS: The box-office slide will continue. Hollywood will attempt to reconnect with the American people by releasing the religious epic Sermon on the Brokeback Mount. A $200 million musical starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall who play two gay apostles who fall in love and go on a mad-cap song-filled car chase across 1st Century Judea, only to die in a hail of bullets fired by a vengeful Jesus played by Ben Affleck. It will lose immense amounts of money, but will sweep the Oscars. Director Michael Bay will bring up this dichotomy during his acceptance speech when he holds up his trophy and says: "This proves that Hollywood knows more about religion than a hundred of those Popes in Jerusalem!" He will then announce that his next film will be about the life of Prophet Mohammed. His murder in December 2006 by car-bomb will never solved though the studio will make a film about it putting the blame on German Neo-Nazis.

REMULAK: Interesting. How about Hollywood’s first film about the 9/11 attack that’s to be directed by Oliver Stone?

KOOS-KOOS: First the characters of Mohammed Atta’s terrorist team will be changed from a group of mostly Saudi Islamic Fundamentalists to a group of German Neo-Nazis secretly run by Dick Cheney, the Mormon Church and the CIA. These changes will be made to avoid offending Muslims to whom denial is much more than a simple river in Egypt. Terrorism will also be a key theme of Stephen Spielberg's next film Beslan. It's a subtle and nuanced view of the massacre of schoolchildren by Chechen Islamists, where Spielbirg explains how the whole ordeal was really the children's fault. Of course to avoid offending anyone the Chechen terrorists will be changed to German Neo-Nazis secretly working for Halliburton.

REMULAK: Very interesting. Any final words for the people of Earth?

KOOS-KOOS: Just one: DUCK! You’ll know when it happens.

REMULAK: Thank you for coming.

Point/Counterpoint Mailbag

TEKTAK: Greetings Earthlings. It's been a while, but Snotglob and I are back and today we're dipping into our mailbag to answer questions from Earthlings.

SNOTGLOB: That's right. We're answering your letters in order to help you primitive creatures.

TEKTAK: Yeah... right... help... Let's get to the first letter.

Dear TekTak and Snotglob.

I'm a children's book author and Nobel Peace Prize nominee who made two bad decisions, minor things really, and now The Man is trying to snuff me out.

The state's planning to kill me on Tuesday the 13th. Which I think is bad luck, and my celebrity friends are no help at all. How can I get out of this short of actually taking responsibility for my actions?

If you can bust me out, I'll give you cash.

Sincerely -Tookie Williams. Sad in San Quentin.

SNOTGLOB: That's horrible. It's wrong for those barbaric Americans to sentence a man to death for a couple of mistakes.

TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! He killed four people with a shotgun, and while in prison he tried to have more people killed. Sure he wrote a few kid's books, but he still killed people.

SNOTGLOB: He's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

TEKTAK: I could get Remulak MoxArgon nominated for a Nobel Prize. It doesn't mean he deserves it, and trust me, MoxArgon doesn't deserve it!

SNOTGLOB: What about his celebrity friends. Surely someone who hangs out with famous people can't be evil?

TEKTAK: You've been huffing hairspray again, haven't you?

SNOTGLOB: My personal life is none of your concern. Don't worry Tookie. I'm coming to save you!

TEKTAK: Yes, at maximum hyperdrive you should arrive at Earth on Thursday the 15th. That should be just about right.

SNOTGLOB: Oh, yeah. Sorry Tookie. Maybe you can get Mike Farrell and Snoop Dogg to blast you out of the can. I'm afraid there are just too many light years between us.

TEKTAK: And to all Earthlings reading this. If you want to avoid Tookie's fate, remember these simple words: DON'T COMMIT MURDER! Earthling governments frown on it. Next letter.

Dear TekTak and Snotglob:

I'm the leader of what used to be the number one country to live in on Earth. Sadly my government has fallen due to widespread corruption, incompetence, arrogance, stupidity, more corruption, and a touch more idiocy.

My opponent announced a plan to give money to families to put towards child care. One of my aides stated that parents will only blow the money on 'beer and popcorn.' Although I won't publicly admit it, I know deep in my heart that he's right.

I lead the Liberal Party of Canada, and our core belief is that we know how to handle other people's money better than they do. Money doesn't belong in the hands of Canadian taxpayers, it's supposed to be doled out by us to our friends and cronies.

I'm also worried about Paul Desmarais's daughter dating a Tory deputy leader Peter MacKay. He's practically crowned every PM for the past 30 years. Seeing him with a potential Tory son-in-law is a baaaaad omen.What should I do?

-Sincerely Rt. Hon. Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada.

SNOTGLOB: Have you considered inviting your opponents over for dinner, and then have your imperial guards jump them and implant Thygorian Brain Worms in their head.

TEKTAK: You really don't do your reasearch. That plan won't work on Stephen Harper because he's a robot, and it won't work on Jack Layton, because the worms need a brain to work with. Let's call it a night. I need a recharge and a stiff drink.