TEKTAK: Greetings Earthlings. It's been a while, but Snotglob and I are back and today we're dipping into our mailbag to answer questions from Earthlings.
SNOTGLOB: That's right. We're answering your letters in order to help you primitive creatures.
TEKTAK: Yeah... right... help... Let's get to the first letter.
Dear TekTak and Snotglob.
I'm a children's book author and Nobel Peace Prize nominee who made two bad decisions, minor things really, and now The Man is trying to snuff me out.
The state's planning to kill me on Tuesday the 13th. Which I think is bad luck, and my celebrity friends are no help at all. How can I get out of this short of actually taking responsibility for my actions?
If you can bust me out, I'll give you cash.
Sincerely -Tookie Williams. Sad in San Quentin.
SNOTGLOB: That's horrible. It's wrong for those barbaric Americans to sentence a man to death for a couple of mistakes.
TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut! He killed four people with a shotgun, and while in prison he tried to have more people killed. Sure he wrote a few kid's books, but he still killed people.
SNOTGLOB: He's been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
TEKTAK: I could get Remulak MoxArgon nominated for a Nobel Prize. It doesn't mean he deserves it, and trust me, MoxArgon doesn't deserve it!
SNOTGLOB: What about his celebrity friends. Surely someone who hangs out with famous people can't be evil?
TEKTAK: You've been huffing hairspray again, haven't you?
SNOTGLOB: My personal life is none of your concern. Don't worry Tookie. I'm coming to save you!
TEKTAK: Yes, at maximum hyperdrive you should arrive at Earth on Thursday the 15th. That should be just about right.
SNOTGLOB: Oh, yeah. Sorry Tookie. Maybe you can get Mike Farrell and Snoop Dogg to blast you out of the can. I'm afraid there are just too many light years between us.
TEKTAK: And to all Earthlings reading this. If you want to avoid Tookie's fate, remember these simple words: DON'T COMMIT MURDER! Earthling governments frown on it. Next letter.
Dear TekTak and Snotglob:
I'm the leader of what used to be the number one country to live in on Earth. Sadly my government has fallen due to widespread corruption, incompetence, arrogance, stupidity, more corruption, and a touch more idiocy.
My opponent announced a plan to give money to families to put towards child care. One of my aides stated that parents will only blow the money on 'beer and popcorn.' Although I won't publicly admit it, I know deep in my heart that he's right.
I lead the Liberal Party of Canada, and our core belief is that we know how to handle other people's money better than they do. Money doesn't belong in the hands of Canadian taxpayers, it's supposed to be doled out by us to our friends and cronies.
I'm also worried about Paul Desmarais's daughter dating a Tory deputy leader Peter MacKay. He's practically crowned every PM for the past 30 years. Seeing him with a potential Tory son-in-law is a baaaaad omen.What should I do?
-Sincerely Rt. Hon. Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada.
SNOTGLOB: Have you considered inviting your opponents over for dinner, and then have your imperial guards jump them and implant Thygorian Brain Worms in their head.
TEKTAK: You really don't do your reasearch. That plan won't work on Stephen Harper because he's a robot, and it won't work on Jack Layton, because the worms need a brain to work with. Let's call it a night. I need a recharge and a stiff drink.