News of the Earth #1

Greetings puny Earthlings. I'm starting a new feature where MoxArgon Group members take turns presenting the news in the short, concise news-byte form your piddling Earthling attention spans seem capable of handling.

Now let's get started!

1. Loudmouth shock-jock Don Imus might have the last laugh. He's hired a powerful attorney to sue CBS. It seems there's a clause in his contract promising him $40 million if he got fired for being an obnoxious jerk. This proves 2 things: A) The CBS people who okayed that clause should be fired. B) Imus has some smart lawyers.

2. An "environmentally friendly" spa in California has removed the Gideon Bibles from their hotel rooms and replaced them with copies of Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. If the spa's owners are truly followers of the High Church of Saint Al The Pompous, each guest should be personally generating a carbon footprint about the size of Godzilla's backside after eating an entire chili cook-off. Perhaps they should include a copy of this report to go with it.

3. Iranian Prez Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in hot water with his own political base by hugging and kissing an elderly former female teacher. Now I don't know Mr. Ahmadinejad personally, but if he really wanted to relive his little Mrs. Robinson thing, he probably shouldn't have done it in front of the press. Suffering cyborgs, that photo is practically obscene. Did he slip her the tongue?



4. Wizened folkie Joan Baez is apparently puzzled as to why she wasn't allowed to perform for recovering soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital. I can answer that. THEY HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH!

5. All I can say is, they must have been DAMN GREAT PANTS.

6. Brad Pitt film Babel is being released in Japan with a warning label stating that the flick may cause nausea and dizziness. Boy, that's a pretty harsh review.

7. Former New Jersey governor James McGreevey is considering becoming an Episcopal priest. Because it's involves an oath he hasn't violated yet.


8. Hillary Clinton shows the world how decisive she can be by constantly changing her private planes. Nothing like having empty planes being flown back their homes to show that you care for the environment.