5.14.2008

Xran Presents: Candidates Roundtable.

XRAN-- Hello Earthlings. Yes, I'm back with the MoxArgon Group. And I have to say that old Remulak is a tough negotiator. His Death-Droids couldn't scare my agent, but then Remulak brought over my ex-wives... Let's just say everyone's back where they should be, and I'm currently repressing my rage and bitterness through alcoholism. But enough about me, it's time for a special Candidates Roundtable. With me is Republican nominee John Mccain, Democratic challengers Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, and representing COBRA, Cobra Commander. Welcome everyone.

JOHN MCCAIN-- Good to be here.

HILLARY CLINTON-- Thanks for inviting me. White people vote for me!

BARACK OBAMA-- It's good for me to be here to bring hope and change to this roundtable.

COBRA COMMANDER-- I will bring this wretched world to its knees with my army of genetically mutated cyborg spiders!

XRAN-- Really, cool. Okay, first question for all the candidates. Where do you stand on Israel?

JOHN MCCAIN-- On the ground you mangy flea bitten varmint! And if anyone looks at Israel cock-eyed I'll reach down their throat and jerk out a lung.

HILLARY CLINTON-- I pledge to stand by Israel and talk tough to all its enemies, unless it becomes more politically expedient for me to throw it to the wolves.

BARACK OBAMA-- I will bring hope and change to the Middle East through a program of change and hope.

COBRA COMMANDER-- The dark legions of COBRA will protect Israel. Because picking on the Jews has become so cliché for terrorists. AND COBRA WILL SMASH ALL CLICHÉS!

XRAN-- Good for you. Our next question is about the war in Iraq. Where do you stand?

JOHN MCCAIN-- I stand on the collective throat of dead terrorists. We're in it, let's win it. And if anyone gripes about it, I'll rip their head off and shit down their neck!

HILLARY CLINTON-- I supported the war, but when it became unpopular, I dedicated myself to losing the war. But I will obliterate Iran, with a strongly worded letter, if they take over Iraq after our withdrawal.

BARACK OBAMA-- I will bring the nations of the Middle East hope through changing our policy of winning the war in Iraq, to one of losing the war in Iraq. I will then go, as representative of all 57 states to talk peace with the leaders of Al Qaida and Iran, just like Teddy Roosevelt did when negotiated the end of World War Two.

COBRA COMMANDER-- Are you high or something?

JOHN MCCAIN-- Yeah, I had you pegged as a punk kid, but now I realize that you're nuttier than a squirrel turd.

HILLARY CLINTON-- Which is why Democrats should vote for me, not only am I experienced, capable, and organized, I am also whiter than Barack Obama.

JOHN MCCAIN-- I can't believe you just played the race card.

BARACK OBAMA-- Anyone who questions the hope and change I bring is a racist against black people.

COBRA COMMANDER-- Barack Obama is black? I thought he was Don Knotts' son.

XRAN-- Okay, can we have a little order here... come on people.

JOHN MCCAIN-- And what the hell experience do you actually have Hillary?

HILLARY CLINTON-- I was never in prison!

JOHN MCCAIN-- I was a POW! And how the hell can you manage the country when your own campaign can't even pay the bills?

BARACK OBAMA-- And that is where my program of changeism and hopeitude will bring change and hope...

COBRA COMMANDER-- If you say and variation of "change and hope" again, I will sic my mutant attack dog on you! He's got lasers in his nose!

JOHN MCCAIN-- How does he smell?

COBRA COMMANDER-- Awful.

HILLARY CLINTON-- While it is true I couldn't manage my way out of a paper bag, and it's true my business past is slightly shadier than Barack Obama's, but I want to be president. I deserve to be president, because I put up with Bill Clinton! I deserve it! GIMME GIMME GIMME!

JOHN MCCAIN-- I should smack all of you cranks up side your heads.

COBRA COMMANDER-- Why don't you shut up geezer!

JOHN MCCAIN-- I maybe a geezer, but I still shit bigger than all of you pipsqueak punks combined.

BARACK OBAMA-- I will bring hope and change...

COBRA COMMANDER-- Get him Snuggles!

XRAN-- And that's where things ended. Thanks to our advanced alien medical technology we were able to reattach everyone's limbs. And now that I've gotten to know your candidates, I can only say, God help you all. And Remulak, I won't forget this, no matter how many times you erase my brain!

3 comments:

Marvin said...

Clearly Cobra Commander one that debate hands down.

By the way, have you seen his plan to create his own super-delegates. It actually seems more thought out, and fairer then the democrats own such use of super delegates.

zoey said...

the cobra superdelegates really are super...human mutants.

Dorkelina said...

ROFL

No, really.

^_^