I'm British, What Are You?

A
MOMENT
OF TRUTH
COMMENTARY
BY
RUSSELL BRAND
(British Comedian & MTV Awards Host)

Cheerio duckies. And I know you have a couple of questions and thanks to being locked in this Stainless Steel Tube of Truth, I will have to answer them honestly.

First question: Who the hell is Russell Brand?

I'm a British comedian known more for my carefully unwashed and deliberately un-styled hair and my drug-addled past than for any of my actual jokes. But I got in a Judd Apatow movie, that got me branded as hip in America, and landed me the gig hosting the MTV Music Video Awards.

Which brings us to the second question: Why does MTV have video awards when they don't show any actual music videos?

How the hell do I know.

Now I guess I should get to the main subject of this post, and hopefully get out of this bloody tube. I'm talking about my political rants I did when I was hosting the MTV awards. I basically picked on Palin's kids, called your President retarded and openly begged for you to vote for Barack Obama.

There's a good reason for that.

It's not because as a European I am so racially sensitive that I think it's time for America to have a black president. Because let's look at the truth, the odds of anyone who isn't at least as white as Gordon Brown getting into any position of major power in Europe is about as likely as Al Franken and Jeanine Garafolo starring in a hit romantic comedy together.

But we need to look down on you Yanks about race, so we demand that you vote for Obama, even though we wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole if he lived in Europe.

And there's another reason.

Sumner Redstone owns my ass.

The man owns MTV and about a dozen other media companies, and if you when your comedy is based on hipster posturing and annoying people (shocking people is out for me, since it requires originality) you have to kiss his practically fossilized ass.

And Redstone likes Obama.

Who pays the piper calls the tune, and if I don't play along, I won't be able to afford the hairspray that is the foundation of my comedy career!

Without my image I'm nothing! And my image requires massive media conglomerates to keep it going!

Look at it from my side!

Can I get out of this tube now? My hair is losing its flair.