Douchebags of Week!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Sorry for the light posting, it's been sort of busy in the empire lately, but I thought I'd take a moment to remind you about the sheer level of douchebaggery that keeps happening on your wretched little rock of a planet.

So let's go in no particular order...

THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA: There are literally too many examples of bias to mention, from their constant use of the word "brilliant" to describe every time Barack Obama farts, to deliberately leaving out important facts. Recent Senator Robert Byrd slipped the surly bonds of Earth, rung down the curtain, and joined the jug band invisible, and they are already forgetting that he once held a leadership position in the Ku Klux Klan.

Former Democrat turned Republican Strom Thurmond died, and they rushed to brand him the eternal segregationist despite his later change in position on that issue. Byrd on the other hand was a leader and recruiter for what can only be described as a racially motivated domestic terrorist group. Of course Byrd stayed a Democrat, so to the media, that makes it all a-okay.

I know you Earthlings have a thing about speaking ill of the dead, but one shouldn't lie about them either.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: He's become a regular on this feature, for continued douchebaggery ranging from delaying action on the BP oil spill to please his union masters, and playing around with people's lives and livelihoods with the offshore drilling ban in order to please his billionaire masters who are invested in Brasilian oil and want those Gulf oil rigs. And let us not forget the kissing up to enemies, the pissing on allies, and all the other stuff he does on a regular basis to completely cripple the nation.

BP: I guess when this company went "Beyond Petroleum" they also went beyond basic safety considerations. They honestly believed that being behind such boondoggles in the making like "cap and trade" would somehow protect them from fundamentally failing at the one thing they are supposed to be good at, which is extracting oil from the ground, and delivering it without creating some sort of massive environmental and economic disaster.

Remember, if you're on this list then you....

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Helen Thomas & Everything That's Wrong

Greetings puny Earthlings.

This past week saw the retirement of Helen Thomas from her place of dishonor in the front row of the Washington Press Corps after she suggested that Israelis give up their 3000+ years of history, hand over their nation to people who enjoy blowing up schools, and return to Europe where 6 million of their number were slaughtered during the 1940s.

Her forced retirement came just months shy of her 90th birthday, and about 25 years too late.

Her entire career was a classic illustration of everything that's wrong with the mainstream media. As I write this many of the media's chattering classes are talking about her great accomplishments as the doyenne of the chattering class.

And here is a list of greatest journalistic accomplishments:

1. She showed up.

2. She stayed.

Yes, she broke the mold by being the first woman to join the White House drinking club press corps. But if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else, it was an inevitability, and after breaking that mold, Helen Thomas got moldy very quickly.

For those of you who don't believe me just answer these two questions:

1. What big "scoops" did she dig up in her career?

2. When was the last time you read one of her "columns" and said: "Damn, she's brilliant?"

The answers are 1. None, and 2. Never.

Because you don't get scoops when you're the White House correspondent. All you do is regurgitate what the Press Secretary tells you, and write about what you heard, layering on as much spin as you can get away with.

Reporters like the position because it gives them instant daily national exposure, but realize that it's a very limited position, because you really can't break news the way you can in other positions. So most journalists, the real ones, move on when they've done their turn in order to grow their careers.

Helen Thomas at least had the foresight to know her limitations as just a biased hack, and once she had the "showing up" part done, she stayed, using her gender and age to get away with her hackery, her bias, and her blatant hatred of Jews, Republicans, Israel, democratic countries, and anything else that she disagrees with that manages to poke through the layers of cobwebs in her senility addled brain.

Since she was "The First," had seniority, and expressed openly the prejudices most media mavens had to hide under layers of baffle-gab, she was honored, feted, and glorified waaay beyond her ability, intelligence, or integrity. It helped her get a contract with Hearst newspapers that Hearst instantly regretted, running only a handful of her least incoherent columns, and binning the rest.

Helen Thomas sat in the front seat of that press room like a pimple on the ass of progress. Sore, unpleasant, and full of some really nasty stuff.

Then she finally went too far, ripped off the mask, and showed the world the pseudo intellectual pus that filled her head.

Now she's gone, and the White House is going to have to find another long-in-the-tooth, anti-Semitic, incoherent, yahoo to fill that precious front row seat.

It won't be hard, there are a lot of jokers in the media deck.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

Hey Joe!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

We've got a big scoop that's exclusive to this blog. You've probably heard that author Joe McGinnis has literally moved into a house that's 15 feet from Sara Palin's in Wasilla, Alaska while he writes a book about her. Well, we here at the MoxArgon Group have obtained a page from his personal diary for Monday, May 31, 2010, so we can look into what he's really up to there:

JOE MCGINNISS' DIARY
MAY 31, 2010

12:00-1:00 AM- The lights are off at the Palin house. They want me to think they're asleep, but I know they're not. They're in there and they're wide awake and plotting the takeover of America through those useless evil voters.

-Willow's curtains are still drawn.

What is she hiding?

1:00-2:00 AM- Something's rooting through my garbage. It's cleverly disguised as a raccoon, but I know what it's real game is. THAT'S RIGHT YOU NAZI PIG! I'M ON TO YOU!!

2:00-3:00 AM- Feeling sleepy. But I can't drop my guard. They derive their power from darkness and it's up to guardians of the truth like me to expose thefgdsgjsshdhsgjvbm

3:00-4:00 AM-

4:00-5:00 AM-

5:00-6:00 AM- Damn. They must have drugged me somehow. My head hurts and someone emptied my bottle of gin.

-Willow's bedroom curtain still closed. She must be up to something. Possibly organizing Hitler Youth meetings in secret.

6:00-7:00 AM- Masturbated to photo of Tina Fey. It's just not the same.

7:00-8:00 AM- Breakfast: Bowl of Cap'n Crunch, 2% milk, strong black coffee. Milk was past due. Karl Rove must have made that happen so I'd end up puking in bathroom and miss their latest Nazi conspiracies in action.

-Willow's curtain still closed. She's a sneaky one.

8:00-9:00 AM- Family is leaving house. My parabolic mic is only picking up snippets of conversation. They are talking about something called "mu-mor eeyalday." Must be some sort of code to signify a Nazi related event. Must include that in book.

9:00-10:00 AM- Masturbated to photo of Helen Thomas. Memories of that hot night in DC bounce around in my brain. Focus Joe! FOCUS!

10:00-11:00 AM- About to engage in recon mission in enemy territory. If I don't come back, tell my story!

I can hear some sort of marching music coming from town. Must be some sort of Nuremberg style Nazi rally that they were speaking in code about earlier.

11:00 AM- 12:00 PM- Back from recon, injured. A vicious dog attacked me while I was lowering myself into the Palin family laundry room. My Gap khakis were ripped on one leg, and I only narrowly escaped. Unable to obtain panties research material on this mission.

12:00-1:00 PM- There's a moose in my backyard. At least it wants me to think it's a moose. I'M ON TO YOU TEABAGGING NAZI BASTARDS!

There's a strange smell wafting in from town. It smells like some sort of large communal barbecue, but I suspect it's some sort of nerve gas experiment designed to target ethnic minorities. These people are so evil.

Ate a frozen pizza pocket for lunch. Don't dare turn on microwave, that's when they get you.

1:00-2:00 PM- Family hasn't returned yet. Masturbated to TiVo'd episodes of Rachel Maddow's MSNBC show. I wonder if she'll go out with me?

2:00-3:00 PM- Still no sign of the Palins. I know that they're watching me. The woods around Wasilla are crawling with her Brownshirt wearing zombie followers. I know their out there.

Someone put a bottle of Cutty Sark in my hand and opened it.

3:00-4:00 PM-

4:00-5:00 PM-

5:00-6:00 PM-

6:00-7:00 PM- Lost some time, and someone emptied the Cutty Sark bottle. I think Dick Cheney did it.

Surveillance monitors shows that the Palins have returned home. They appear to be preparing some sort of meal. Must discuss possibility of cannibalistic tendencies in book.

7:00-8:00 PM- Ate supper. Consisted of another frozen pizza pocket and a plastic tumbler full of vodka. Must keep up my strength.

Palin family has drawn blinds to hide their Nazi activities. I can hear the movie Wizard of Oz playing on their TV. No doubt to prevent my surveillance from hearing their conspiring.

Just realized I haven't had a bowel movement in 76 hours. Is that a bad sign? Possibly a plot by the Palin/Nazi/British Petroleum Axis to distract me. Yes, I'm onto you.

8:00-9:00 PM- Light is on in Willow's room. Still can't see through the blind. She must be up to something pretty evil. I'm assuming some sort of human sacrifice.

Took some time to masturbate to video of Nancy Pelosi. Don't worry my fearless leader, I will save you from the Palin/Nazi conspiracy.

9:00-10:00 PM- Plot to distract me with my lack of recent bowel movements has changed tack. Now I can feel something moving.

10:00-11:00 PM-

11:00 PM- 12:00 AM- Spent over an hour on toilet. Obviously a distraction to make me break my surveillance, but I won't give up. Spent time carefully folding a new hat out of tinfoil to beat their vicious Nazi brainwave machines. They won't get me.

Light is off in Willow's bedroom, but the curtains are still drawn. What is she up to?

Make note to change batteries in cameras in the morning before going to liquor store. Someone keeps draining the contents of all my bottles and leaving them all over the floor between puddles of vomit and urine.

There are no bounds to their evil.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you, and Joe McGinniss is watching the Palin Family.

Are You A Peace Activist?

Greetings puny Earthlings...

There's a lot of chatter going on about the flotilla of "peace activists" who were stopped from dropping off their boatload of supplies in Gaza so Hamas can keep spending the food money on rockets to launch at Israeli kindergartens. People in the media are calling the people on the boat "peace activists" and the Israeli military "terrorists" while the Israelis and those who support their survival are calling the boat people "terrorist supporters."

Now I like to clear up confusion, I've composed a little test to determine if you are a peace activist, a terrorist, or a person protecting innocent lives.

PEACE ACTIVIST/TERRORIST

1. You have a boat full of supplies for Gaza. You are requested by the Israeli government to dock so your cargo can be checked for weapons, and Israel offers to transport all non-military aid to be sent into Gaza. What do you do?

A) Dock and arrange for a trusted outside agency to supervise the inspection and shipment of aid supplies into Gaza.

B) Respond that you are damning all blockades and will charge into Gaza or die a martyr.

2. The Israeli military has boarded your boat to take it into port for inspection for weapons. What do you do?

A) Have a sit in and sing "We shall overcome" while the Israelis inspect your boats.

B) Assault the Israeli troops screaming "Allah akbar" with metal bars and knives, tossing them overboard, and grabbing their guns in the hope of creating a violent international incident.

3. Your peace group acted like a pack of homicidal maniacs against the Israelis, and got a lot of people killed, wounded, and arrested. What do you do?

A) Decry the violent actions of your own group and beg Israel for forgiveness in the hope that it might open doors for some sort of peaceful coexistence.

B) Call the Israelis "terrorists" and scream for bloody vengeance against the Jewish state and Jewish people in general.

If you answered "A" to these three questions you are a PEACE ACTIVIST.

If you answered "B" to these three questions you are a TERRORIST SUPPORTER.

TERRORIST/ DEFENDER

1. A flotilla of terrorist supporters and the Eurotrash activists that love them are sailing right into Gaza in violation of a security blockade. They are refusing to go into port where their supplies will be shipped after inspection, and are screaming for martyrdom. What do you do?

A) Board the vessels with lightly armed commandos in the hope that the ships can be redirected safely.

B) Blast the flotilla into splinters, and tell the world that the boats were full of explosives meant for Hamas that were accidentally set off.

2. The commandos you sent onto the ships were assaulted, their non-lethal weapons overcome, and their lethal sidearms taken. What do you do?

A) Return fire, but try to minimize casualties.

B) Leave the ships, then sink them, and machine gun anyone who tries to swim away.

3. You have captured a bunch of foreigners who participated in the assault on the Israeli commandos. What do you do?

A) Arrest them, but instead of jailing them, deport them to their home countries.

B) Toss them into a deep, dark dungeon where they are vigorously tortured for information, then executed when their usefulness is spent.

If you answered "A" to these three questions, then you are a DEFENDER trying to protect human life.

If you answered "B" to these three questions. you're probably one of the Middle Eastern dictatorships that surround Israel.