Hey Joe!

Greetings puny Earthlings.

We've got a big scoop that's exclusive to this blog. You've probably heard that author Joe McGinnis has literally moved into a house that's 15 feet from Sara Palin's in Wasilla, Alaska while he writes a book about her. Well, we here at the MoxArgon Group have obtained a page from his personal diary for Monday, May 31, 2010, so we can look into what he's really up to there:

JOE MCGINNISS' DIARY
MAY 31, 2010

12:00-1:00 AM- The lights are off at the Palin house. They want me to think they're asleep, but I know they're not. They're in there and they're wide awake and plotting the takeover of America through those useless evil voters.

-Willow's curtains are still drawn.

What is she hiding?

1:00-2:00 AM- Something's rooting through my garbage. It's cleverly disguised as a raccoon, but I know what it's real game is. THAT'S RIGHT YOU NAZI PIG! I'M ON TO YOU!!

2:00-3:00 AM- Feeling sleepy. But I can't drop my guard. They derive their power from darkness and it's up to guardians of the truth like me to expose thefgdsgjsshdhsgjvbm

3:00-4:00 AM-

4:00-5:00 AM-

5:00-6:00 AM- Damn. They must have drugged me somehow. My head hurts and someone emptied my bottle of gin.

-Willow's bedroom curtain still closed. She must be up to something. Possibly organizing Hitler Youth meetings in secret.

6:00-7:00 AM- Masturbated to photo of Tina Fey. It's just not the same.

7:00-8:00 AM- Breakfast: Bowl of Cap'n Crunch, 2% milk, strong black coffee. Milk was past due. Karl Rove must have made that happen so I'd end up puking in bathroom and miss their latest Nazi conspiracies in action.

-Willow's curtain still closed. She's a sneaky one.

8:00-9:00 AM- Family is leaving house. My parabolic mic is only picking up snippets of conversation. They are talking about something called "mu-mor eeyalday." Must be some sort of code to signify a Nazi related event. Must include that in book.

9:00-10:00 AM- Masturbated to photo of Helen Thomas. Memories of that hot night in DC bounce around in my brain. Focus Joe! FOCUS!

10:00-11:00 AM- About to engage in recon mission in enemy territory. If I don't come back, tell my story!

I can hear some sort of marching music coming from town. Must be some sort of Nuremberg style Nazi rally that they were speaking in code about earlier.

11:00 AM- 12:00 PM- Back from recon, injured. A vicious dog attacked me while I was lowering myself into the Palin family laundry room. My Gap khakis were ripped on one leg, and I only narrowly escaped. Unable to obtain panties research material on this mission.

12:00-1:00 PM- There's a moose in my backyard. At least it wants me to think it's a moose. I'M ON TO YOU TEABAGGING NAZI BASTARDS!

There's a strange smell wafting in from town. It smells like some sort of large communal barbecue, but I suspect it's some sort of nerve gas experiment designed to target ethnic minorities. These people are so evil.

Ate a frozen pizza pocket for lunch. Don't dare turn on microwave, that's when they get you.

1:00-2:00 PM- Family hasn't returned yet. Masturbated to TiVo'd episodes of Rachel Maddow's MSNBC show. I wonder if she'll go out with me?

2:00-3:00 PM- Still no sign of the Palins. I know that they're watching me. The woods around Wasilla are crawling with her Brownshirt wearing zombie followers. I know their out there.

Someone put a bottle of Cutty Sark in my hand and opened it.

3:00-4:00 PM-

4:00-5:00 PM-

5:00-6:00 PM-

6:00-7:00 PM- Lost some time, and someone emptied the Cutty Sark bottle. I think Dick Cheney did it.

Surveillance monitors shows that the Palins have returned home. They appear to be preparing some sort of meal. Must discuss possibility of cannibalistic tendencies in book.

7:00-8:00 PM- Ate supper. Consisted of another frozen pizza pocket and a plastic tumbler full of vodka. Must keep up my strength.

Palin family has drawn blinds to hide their Nazi activities. I can hear the movie Wizard of Oz playing on their TV. No doubt to prevent my surveillance from hearing their conspiring.

Just realized I haven't had a bowel movement in 76 hours. Is that a bad sign? Possibly a plot by the Palin/Nazi/British Petroleum Axis to distract me. Yes, I'm onto you.

8:00-9:00 PM- Light is on in Willow's room. Still can't see through the blind. She must be up to something pretty evil. I'm assuming some sort of human sacrifice.

Took some time to masturbate to video of Nancy Pelosi. Don't worry my fearless leader, I will save you from the Palin/Nazi conspiracy.

9:00-10:00 PM- Plot to distract me with my lack of recent bowel movements has changed tack. Now I can feel something moving.

10:00-11:00 PM-

11:00 PM- 12:00 AM- Spent over an hour on toilet. Obviously a distraction to make me break my surveillance, but I won't give up. Spent time carefully folding a new hat out of tinfoil to beat their vicious Nazi brainwave machines. They won't get me.

Light is off in Willow's bedroom, but the curtains are still drawn. What is she up to?

Make note to change batteries in cameras in the morning before going to liquor store. Someone keeps draining the contents of all my bottles and leaving them all over the floor between puddles of vomit and urine.

There are no bounds to their evil.

Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you, and Joe McGinniss is watching the Palin Family.