Reality Checks: IT'S A TRAP! Edition

Greetings puny Earthlings.

Time for some reality checks, and for that I brought my old college roomie Admiral Akbar to help me out. Ain't that right Akkie?
Oh, Akkie, you crack me up. But don't jump the gun just yet. Give me a chance to explain some of the traps folks are walking into.

First up:

DON'T ASK DON'T TELL

Now my empire has had gays in the military for centuries, but I can understand that the transition can be tricky. So I actually applaud the repeal of the inane Don't Ask Don't Tell Law, because.... Hit it Akky!

That's right.

All you hippies running around smoking pot and voting Democrat have just stuck your foot into a big fat bear trap. Why? Because you just lost your most popular excuse to get out of the draft.

"You can't draft me, because I like dudes!"

Well, that little excuse, or ploy, isn't going to get you out of uniform in any way that you're going to like. And remember how Democrats love their quotas and mandatory hiring, so expect an "Equality Draft" Bill sometime before 2012.

JULIAN ASSANGE

Julian Assange got bail, and is spending his free time over the Christmas holidays at the mansion of the parents of one of his journalist supporters.

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel that....
Come on, think about it people!

Haven't any of you people watched British television, or read any mystery novels?

Think about it, a man with a lot of enemies, political and personal, and a history of lechery, gets bail for a scandalous criminal charge and goes to spend the holidays at a wealthy family's country estate. This is the sort of thing that you just know is going to end up with a body in the conservatory next to a bloody candlestick.

There will be a lot of accusations, conspiracy theories, and then some short fat Belgian reveals that the real killer was just someone who was upset over Assange giving them chlamydia in 2003.

If Assange was a dorky upper class playboy with a horde of tyrannical aunts and no real enemies, it would be more of a PG Wodehouse, romantic farce, instead of the Agatha Christie plot-line he's put himself in.

And let's have a look at what will probably be the next trap to look for...

GAY MARRIAGE

Oh sure, Republicans and churches oppose it, so Democrats and Hollywood people are demanding it. However....
Thanks Akkie.

That's right. You see, about 20 years ago a Republican activist who was gay, thought gay marriage was the perfect way to win over the gay vote in the long term. You see people get married, they start families, buy homes, and then start voting Republican.

Gay activists were repelled by this idea, seeing it as the imposition of Republican ethics and values on their community. So the Republicans backed off, and started to oppose it, like gays in the military. Reverse psychology kicked in, and now gays are clamoring to join those Republican bastions of military personnel, and the married middle class, and Democrats are fighting like cats in a sack to shove them in. None of them realizing...
Keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.