AMERICA'S MOST WANTED!!

Hi, I'm Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik, coming to you live from the source of all hatred and bigotry, the state of Arizona, and I'm the new host of....

AMERICA'S MOST WANTED

I know you were expecting that John Walsh fella, but he was arrested this morning in Pima County on charges of wearing a leather jacket without a license. And since no one else on the crew wanted to join him, I'm your new host. Let's get talking about crime....

This here critter is--

Jared Lee Loughner...

He is crazier than a bedbug on meth, and he killed a bunch of people and tried to kill many more, including a Democratic congresswoman.

That can only mean one thing.

That someone else is really behind this here crime.
Now I don't have any of that fancy pants "evidence" those fancy talking Republican fat cats like to toss around just to show off their book learning. I'm talking about the sort of gut instinct you find only in a progressive Democrat working in law enforcement, like Bull Connor.

I don't have any real witnesses or evidence, and I'm probably tainting the jury and making effective prosecution of Loughner impossible, but I sat down with my police sketch artist and had him whip me up a little drawing of the real guilty party. Prepare to look into the face of true evil--
This man is accused of using violent rhetoric that drove Mr. Loughner to kill a Republican judge, a nine year old child, and several others while trying to kill a Rep. Giffords.

Sure, any complete study of what he really says will show that despite paranoid tendencies, he does actually preach "non-violence," speak admiringly of foreigners and troublemakers like Gandhi and Martin Luther King jr, and that in the only recorded incidence of him mentioning Giffords that we could find he said nice things about her.... but that's not the case!

He dares to criticize the policies and leaders of the Democratic Party.

That means that he is wanted DEAD OR ALIVE!

Now this feller didn't act alone... No we have this photo taken from a VHS tape made by my deputy Buford of his partner in the sort of evil and hatred that only Republicans can engage in.
This varmint's wanted for putting target-gun-sight marks on electoral maps of Congressional districts where she wanted Republicans to win.
Now I don't have any proof that Loughner saw this map, or that it had any affect on his mind but I'm the Sheriff of Pima County...

I DON'T NEED ANY GODDAMN PROOF!!

The law is what I say it is. If I want to enforce it, I'll enforce it, if I don't want to enforce it, I won't enforce it, and if I want to make the law up straight from my ass--

I WILL MAKE UP THE DAMN LAW STRAIGHT FROM MY ASS!!

And I'll get convictions too, because I'm hiring--
Former Travis County Texas, Democratic District Attorney Ronnie Earle

This cat can indict a ham sandwich for starting the Chicago fire. In fact, I do believe that he did once indict a ham sandwich for feeding a Republican. And he can get convictions even when there wasn't a goddamn crime! Just ask Tom Delay!!
That's why we need you to find these people and bring me their carcasses, you can tar and feather them if you want, but they still have to be recognizable for my photo-ops, and for Bernie Sanders fund-raising brochures!

So I'll leave you with this one thought--
It don't matter what that mamby-bamby constitution thing says, it's like 100 years old and don't matter no more. Free speech isn't a right, it's a privilege, and if you want to speak free, you have to make sure you speak stuff that makes folks like me happy or...

YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL!