8.30.2005

Episode #4: Time to open MoxArgon's Mail-Sac!

MOXARGON: Greetings puny Earthlings. In the two Earth weeks since we’ve started this site we have received many of your primitive e-mails from our readers. And since there's so little political news to mock, we at the MoxArgon Group are taking some time to answer your communications, and we are joined by our Point/Counterpoint colleagues, Snotglob and TekTak. Our first letter is from Dr. Otto Theremin of something called the U-Ro-Pee-On Space Agency. He asks:

Mr. Moxargon, are the members of your panel carbon based, or silicone based? And what are your intentions for our planet? Do you come in peace?

These Earthlings sure are a curious bunch. So full of questions, it's almost cute. Since we're a fairly diverse group let's all take a crack at answering his question. Panel: Carbon, or Silicone?

ANDROID CAI/7: Silicone.

XRAN: Carbon.

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

SNOTGLOB: Like Drone 9099 just said, I'm a little of column A, and a little of column B.

TEKTAK: Some silicone, but mostly a composite of tryboltic alloys.

MOXARGON: And I'm composed almost entirely of chlorine and some pudding. Now panel, what would you say are our intentions toward Earth?

ANDROID CAI/7: We most definitely come in peace. You have nothing to be concerned about.

XRAN: Stop it you're killin' me. And who says androids don't have a sense of humour.

MOXARGON: That is a good one. I hope we answered your questions and calmed your fears Dr. Theremin. Our next letter comes from someone named Radioactive-Fitch. It reads:

I know who you really are! I used your links to prove that you’re really -----------, so never underestimate the human race.
~Fitch

Panel, what are your responses to Radioactive Fitch?

ANDROID CAI/7: Sounds like he’s tracked down one of your Earthling slaves.

XRAN: Yeah, the one with the parasite you planted in his brain after you stole his blogroll.

MOXARGON: Yes, it’s a bit of a pickle. Plus we’ve been getting reports that the brain parasite’s suffering from alcohol poisoning. What should we do with this overly curious Earthling?

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

TEKTAK: I have to agree with the Dalek. Perhaps we should atomize his home city with a barrage of Tri-Nucleonic warheads?

SNOTGLOB: That’s barbaric. We have the technology for a precision strike that will keep the collateral damage down to a few thousand people.

MOXARGON: All interesting points. However, I’ve decided to be magnanimous in this issue. I think a simple alien abduction and memory wipe will suffice.

XRAN: Can I just add some advice to Radioactive Fitch. Try not to squirm when you get the anal probe, there’ll be fewer side effects.

MOXARGON: Plus, he should know that someone is never wrong when it comes to underestimating the human race. Next letter. This one comes from a Professor Nome Chump-skee and it reads:

Most felicitous salutations to our Extra Terrestrial Observers. What is your determination on the fylfot worshipping suzerainty of Israeli marionette George W. Bush? Does his parvanimity and carnality to macerate this planetoid make you furibund or does it macarize your emotional matrix? I solicit to asseverate that I idiosyncratically am very aristarchian in my disposition to Bush and his lenocinant and nidorant asportation of our nation and our niddering media, and I’m speaking for the whole terrestrial sphere, not just linquacious lexiphanic paltripolitans like myself.

All right… Android CAI/7, how many languages do you have in your database?

ANDROID CAI/7: Twenty seven billion.

MOXARGON: Do you know what he was talking about?

ANDROID CAI/7: Sorry. His language does not compute.

MOXARGON: Somebody read the next letter. That last one made me dizzy.

XRAN: Our next letter comes from a human called Coffee An-Ham. It reads:

What do you suggest we do with Ambassador Bowl-Ton?

Well, have you considered jumping him in the Security Council and eating his skin? That normally works for me.

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

SNOTGLOB: That’s your solution to everything. Can’t Coffee An-Ham find a diplomatic solution and just implant a mind-control device in his mustache? There’s plenty of room in there.

TEKTAK: Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut. I have read extensively on this Bowl-Ton, and he’s a grave threat to the United Nations and its plans for global domination. He wants to restrict or completely ban the United Nation’s sex-slavery, bribery, and embezzlement programs, and he’s insisting that people who sit in judgement of so-called "Human Rights" actually believe in the existence of human rights. How can the United Nations become the Empire it desires to be, when it can’t enjoy the perks of imperial rule?

SNOTGLOB: You mean he’s actually representing the interests of his sub-planetary empire? Then he must be stopped.

MOXARGON: Our next letter comes from a reader called Damian Conservathink, and it reads:

Just what is your real name anyway? PS: Do you know the URL of the site that has video of monkeys doing it?

I can’t tell you much about the monkeys, but I can assure you that my name really is Remulak MoxArgon. Remulak is a word in my language that means "fearless warrior."

XRAN: I thought your name meant 'dainty flower?'

MOXARGON: Maybe the memory wipers should make two stops this week?

XRAN: No, wait, I was thinking of Snotglob.

SNOTGLOB: You bastard!

TEKTAK: I think the web-site you’re looking for is this one.

MOXARGON: Our next e-mail is from a human-female named Michelle Malkin. It has two question and it reads:

Dear Remulak:
How come Snotglob is so reasonable for a liberal?

Snotglob, why are you so reasonable for a liberal?

SNOTGLOB: I guess a creature born from irradiated fecal matter is somehow more intellectually evolved than the average Earth moonbat.

MOXARGON: Her second question is:

Remulak, why are you so damn sexy, and do you like human female columnists?

Oh, this is actually a three question letter. Well, I think my sex-appeal is basically the result of good genetic engineering, and as for liking human female columnists, let’s just say that I like to keep an open mind, if you know what I mean. Nudge-nudge-wink-wink.

ANDROID CAI/7: Something does not compute. The second part of that e-mail is written in your own handwriting.

MOXARGON: Ooh, look at the time. We have to sign off for now. Keep the e-mails coming. It’ll help us sort out who will be made into slaves, and who will be processed into food. Until next time, keep watching the skies, because we’ll be watching you.

2 comments:

Damian G. said...

Thanks for giving my e-mail publicity; by the way, what are your thoughts on the human bomb-throwing clergyman Fred Phelps?

Fitch said...

We earthlings have no clue what Professor Nome Chump-skee is ever talking about either. It's good to know that this is a universal inability to understand him.