8.23.2005

EPISODE #3: PREACHERS, ASSASSINS & DICTATORS, OH MY!

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THE MOXARGON GROUP
MOXARGON: Greetings and welcome to a special edition of The MoxArgon Group. Today the communications systems of the Earthlings are all talking about a religious elder named Pat SonofRobert who has publicly called for the assassination of the Warlord UgoChav-Hez, who rules the petroleum mines of Venus-Wayla. What do you think panel?

ANDROID CAI/7: It strikes me as an illogical gesture on the part of SonofRobert. As far as I know, those humans are so technologically backward they can barely reach their own moon, let alone engage in a military strike against a planet as distant as Venus. Unless this SonofRobert has a faster than light hyper-drive hidden under his pulpit, his whole speech does not compute as anything more than a desperate cry for attention.

MOXARGON: What do you think Xran?

XRAN: It's also incredibly stupid for a prominent citizen of a major planetary empire to go out in public and call for the assassination of a rival warlord. If he really wanted UgoChav-Hez dead he wouldn't have said anything. He'd have just slain his enemy, feasted upon his skin and entrails, and left all the talk for after he was done. What's the point of putting UgoChav-Hez on his guard, unless you're just an old crank who thinks his collection plate's been too light lately.

MOXARGON: Good point. Dalek Drone 9099, your thoughts?

DRONE 9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!

MOXARGON: Excellent point. Of course there's something you're all missing. SonofRobert has put Overlord DubyaBush in an uncomfortable position. If he was planning a strike against Venus-Wayla and its Warlord, then the plan's blown, and any action would make UgoChav-Hez either into a martyr or a hero. SonofRobert's probably saved UgoChav-Hez's life with his comments.

ANDROID CAI/7: Maybe they're in some secret alliance together? One for protection from his rivals, the other for attention and donations for his temple.

MOXARGON: An intriguing theory.

XRAN: I say that Overlord DubyaBush should have both men seized and taken to his White Castle. Then he should rip out both their hearts with his bare hands and feast upon them while they watch with dying eyes. That way he's done with both of them, and has a good meal at the same time.

MOXARGON: Oh, Xran, you're turning into a real old softie. I'll have to leave you with the last word because that's all the time we have for now. Until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

5 comments:

Damian G. said...

I agree, but I wonder how the petroleum mines play a role in the whole nasty affair?

Fitch said...

Clearly Overlord DubyaBush needs to aquire the petroleum mines of Venus-Wayla. SonofRobert, indeed, may have waged a pre-emptive strike to foil such a plan.

Fitch said...

I'd like to hear what the MoxArgon Group thinks about the one who calls himself Chuk-hagEl, or whatever his name is.

Mark said...

Allow this puny Earthling to offer this overly simplistic comment:

If you are truly advanced you would certainly be able to duplicate the spelling of our Earth language.

Thus SonofRobert would become Robertson.

In any case, When you return to your home planet, Please take Robertson with you.

And Take Cindy Sheehan with you.

Snotglob the Mutant said...

A word of advice to the puny Earthling named Mark Maness. If I were you, I wouldn't be rushing to correct MoxArgon's spelling and pronunciation. He has a form of dyslexia and he's more than a tad sensitive about it. Often he blames it on transcription problems with his slave, but more often he responds with genocidal psychosis.

One time a Golonian named Farflab O'Plox corrected his spelling. MoxArgon blew up his planet with a barrage of sub-protonic torpedos.

So let's not wave our badge for the grammar police in the face of a man with 50,000 class-9 star-destroyers and an itchy trigger finger. Okay?