When it literally has to get there yesterday
THE MOXARGON GROUP
MOXARGON: Welcome. Today the panel will be talking about the conflict between the forces of the American Empire and various terrorist factions over who gets to control the petroleum mines of Eye-Rack. However, we're not going to be talking about strategy and military issues. Instead we're going to be discussing how the media of the American Empire is covering the war. Is the media of America biased against its own country? Panel?
ANDROID CAI/7: Most definitely. American Forces are winning major victories all over Eye-Rack and all the American Media will do is present every dead soldier as if it's the end of the world and blame their Overlord for everything from the weather to the failings of minor bureaucrats and municipal prefects.
XRAN: If someone on one of my ships was going around trash talking me the way the American press badmouths Overlord DubyaBush I'd be upholstering my captain's chair with their skin. I mean come on, he's one measly Earthling, he can't be the cause of everyone's problems.
MOXARGON: How do you think he should handle them?
DRONE-9099: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
ANDROID CAI/7: I have studied the Earthling's transmissions for some time and I have compiled a very detailed database of how their media covers conflicts and often what they say has no connection with the actual events. On stardate 5676.99 an army called VeetKong engaged in a major offensive against the American Imperial Guard in something called the Ted Offensive. During the course of this particularly violent battle the VeetKong was effectively wiped out. However, according to the American media the VeetKong had won some sort of massive victory, as if they were poised to march down the main street of America's imperial capitol.
XRAN: They're doing the same thing with Eye-Rack. First thing is that they completely ignore the crushing defeats the American forces are dishing out all over Eye-Rack, and what I think are the real tactical blunders, like letting the people of Eye-Rack elect their own governments and write their own constitutions, and then they have the unmitigated florbaz to call the people behind the violence in Eye-Rack "insurgents," or "rebels," when they are very clearly terrorists.
MOXARGON: Words are very important. The words insurgent or rebel implies some sort of base with the general population. Something these terrorists, the majority of whom are from other countries, do not have. I mean it's hard to win over the hearts and minds of the common people when you've pledged to kill over 80% of the population. Trust me, I know.
XRAN: I'm a pirate. I attack ships and planets, and then I loot the resources and enslave or consume the population. I'm not going to start calling myself a florist, or a dentist, and I don't expect anyone to do that either. I'm a pirate, and damn proud of it, and if I was setting off bombs in front of schools or beheading medical workers for no reason other than a difference in religion or ethnicity, I'd be a terrorist.
ANDROID CAI/7: The irrational nomenclature of these Earthlings does not compute.
DRONE-9099: Exterminate! Exterminate!
MOXARGON: Good point Drone-9099, but I'd like to get back to what Android Cai/7 said. The nomenclature doesn't make sense, but don't forget that many in the American media are not native Earthlings. They are in fact Moonbats who we think came to Earth to escape their lifeless home on Earth's moon. Perhaps they don't have a full grasp of the intricacies of the American language? I mean we're far more evolved than Earthlings, so we shouldn't be so quick to assume that these Moonbats are perhaps an intellectually stunted sub-species that has yet to catch up to the common Earthlings.
ANDROID CAI/7: Then why does the American Empire allow intellectually stunted creatures dominate their media? It is a highly illogical course of action.
XRAN: That's true. If they are too dumb to grasp the Earthling language then send them down to the petroleum mines where they might do something constructive.
MOXARGON: Maybe the Earthlings allow them to dominate their media because they don't view it as information but entertainment. Perhaps watching hapless Moonbats flail around pontificating about things they know nothing about, furrowing their brows in a futile attempt to understand the world around them, strikes the more evolved Earthlings as a source of amusement? There are plenty of alternative sources of data, and the sensible Earthlings probably turn to them for real news.
ANDROID CAI/7: Amusement is illogical.
XRAN: If you're right Remulak, then these Earthlings have a cruel sense of humor.
MOXARGON: It's just something to think about. Something these Moonbats seem incapable of doing. That's all the time we have for now, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.