Predictions 2006!

MOXARGON: Greetings puny Earthlings. I understand that it’s the time when you change your calendars and usher in the year 2006. So, since you people love to know what the future holds for you, we’ve called in Koos-Koos, the Supreme Cranium of the Ferret Stranglers of Vocaflax VIII. He actually has the power to cut through the mists of time and see future events. Welcome Koos-Koos.

KOOS-KOOS: It’s good to be here Remulak. By the way, you better have a doctor look at that lump on your neck.

REMULAK: There’s no lump on my neck?

KOOS-KOOS: Not today.

REMULAK: Why don’t we talk about the Earthlings, because talking about me is kind of creepy?

KOOS-KOOS: Sure.

REMULAK: What does the future hold in 2006 for President George W. Bush?

KOOS-KOOS: This will be a year of great triumphs for Imperial OverLord Bush. His crushing of the Islam-fascist-terrorist insurgency will continue with increased energy and success. The American Imperial economy will enjoy great growth, low unemployment, and an improved environment. None of this will get any media attention though. The mainstream press will be giving twenty-four/seven coverage of a possible rumor leaked by a CIA Agent that Karl Rove once gave the finger to someone who cut him off in traffic.

REMULAK: Interesting. What about OverLord Bush’s opposition in his empire, the Democrats?

KOOS-KOOS: Aside from demanding a special prosecutor to investigate what the media will dub ‘Finger-Gate,’ the Democrats will continue their strategy of supporting everyone opposed to real democracy while opposing and subverting all attempts to protect and promote democracy. This will lead to an increase in the Republican majority in the 2006 elections.

REMULAK: How will Howard Dean take it?

KOOS-KOOS: Not well. During a press conference he will call every single person in America who voted for the Republicans: “a pack of Bible thumping rat-suckling retards.” This will cause Democratic support to plunge everywhere except among Hollywood Celebrities and eccentric billionaire financiers. Howard Dean will then be named as co-anchor with Katie Couric of the CBS Evening News. The network’s news ratings will plunge lower than a digital channel that only show subtitled Albanian movies about suicidal depression among goats.

REMULAK: What about Hollywood? What’s in store from tinsel-town in 2006?

KOOS-KOOS: The box-office slide will continue. Hollywood will attempt to reconnect with the American people by releasing the religious epic Sermon on the Brokeback Mount. A $200 million musical starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall who play two gay apostles who fall in love and go on a mad-cap song-filled car chase across 1st Century Judea, only to die in a hail of bullets fired by a vengeful Jesus played by Ben Affleck. It will lose immense amounts of money, but will sweep the Oscars. Director Michael Bay will bring up this dichotomy during his acceptance speech when he holds up his trophy and says: "This proves that Hollywood knows more about religion than a hundred of those Popes in Jerusalem!" He will then announce that his next film will be about the life of Prophet Mohammed. His murder in December 2006 by car-bomb will never solved though the studio will make a film about it putting the blame on German Neo-Nazis.

REMULAK: Interesting. How about Hollywood’s first film about the 9/11 attack that’s to be directed by Oliver Stone?

KOOS-KOOS: First the characters of Mohammed Atta’s terrorist team will be changed from a group of mostly Saudi Islamic Fundamentalists to a group of German Neo-Nazis secretly run by Dick Cheney, the Mormon Church and the CIA. These changes will be made to avoid offending Muslims to whom denial is much more than a simple river in Egypt. Terrorism will also be a key theme of Stephen Spielberg's next film Beslan. It's a subtle and nuanced view of the massacre of schoolchildren by Chechen Islamists, where Spielbirg explains how the whole ordeal was really the children's fault. Of course to avoid offending anyone the Chechen terrorists will be changed to German Neo-Nazis secretly working for Halliburton.

REMULAK: Very interesting. Any final words for the people of Earth?

KOOS-KOOS: Just one: DUCK! You’ll know when it happens.

REMULAK: Thank you for coming.