InterGalactic Roundtable

With Special Guest Panelist

Varos Quasar

MOXARGON Good evening puny Earthlings and welcome to a long awaited gathering of the Moxargon Group. DRONE-9099 will not be joining us this week. He's in rehab and we all wish him well. Joining us is a distinguished author, critic, and the conqueror of over ten thousand star systems. Varos Quasar Lord of the Pustulent Hordes of Drul. Thanks for coming Varos.

VAROS It's a pleasure to be here. And I'd like to send a get well soon to Drone-9099.

XRAN I heard he got the Robert Downey jr. suite.

MOXARGON Ooh, nice. But let's get to work. First issue. The media of the American Empire is all up in arms over what they are calling 'domestic wiretapping.'

XRAN Although I'm sure it's necessary, I can understand how some Earthlings will object to wires being tapped into their heads in order for the government to read their thoughts. It's a painful procedure, and the side affects do include headache, nausea, and explosive diarrhea.

VAROS I can see their point. The last thing you want your domestic slaves to have is explosive diarrhea. It kind of defeats the point of having someone to clean up the torture chambers.

ANDROID CAI/7 Actually I think you are misinterpreting the issue at hand. I have been carefully studying their communications and it does not involve brain surgery at all.

MOXARGON Then what are they talking about?

ANDROID CAI/7 Bush, the OverLord of the American Empire, is apparently accessing the communications of terrorists who are plotting the overthrow of his kingdom. On Earth it is called 'wiretapping.'

VAROS Wait a minute. Why in the name of the seven nipple of Grox are they upset about this?

MOXARGON Yes, you'd think the Earthling media would praise accessing or 'tapping' an enemy's communications. However, that would be logical, and logic often has very little to do with the behaviour of the Earthling media.

ANDROID CAI/7 Apparently they are upset because these enemy terrorists are in communication with American citizens.

XRAN What's the big deal?

ANDROID CAI/7 The big deal is that the American Imperial Government does not normally monitor the communications of its citizens.

MOXARGON Now you're talking crazy. What kind of imperialist conqueror doesn't listen in on the communications of their citizens?

VAROS Yeah. I can't sleep until I check out the communications of my more colorful subjects. It can be quite entertaining, like a soap opera.

XRAN The crews on my pirate ships can't fart without me knowing about it.

MOXARGON Xran, you can't fart without the whole galaxy knowing about it. What are you going to tell us next Android Cai/7, that they don't have spy cameras monitoring every home?

ANDROID CAI/7 They don't.

MOXARGON Let's move onto the next topic. The Canadian Dominion had an election and voted in a new Conservative government. Does this signal a shift to the right for Canada.

VAROS I checked and there appears to be no noticable continental drift affecting Canada.

MOXARGON Next topic. The Republic of France has announced that they will use nuclear weapons against states that sponsor terrorism against them. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7 Nuclear weapons are an efficient form of genocide. I think it is a logical choice.

XRAN Nukes are so impersonal. Where's the deep spiritual connection you get when slide your daktarian skin-reaver into an enemy's stomach? Who's going to learn the lesson that only a head mounted on a pike covered with entrails when everyone's dead? I think it stinks.

VAROS Personally, I don't think the Frenchies have the stones to use a nuclear weapon. At least not on white people.

MOXARGON And then there's the question of what if the terrorists are homegrown? What are they going to do, nuke their own suburbs? Next topic. The radical Islamist terrorist group Hamas has won control of the Palestinian government in a democratic election. What do you think?

ANDROID CAI/7 It is most logical to allow a new party a chance to steal all the aid money they have been getting from the west.

XRAN I'm not sure how this is going to affect the peace process. Wait a minute, what peace process?

VAROS I think it's nice to see a people not only accept their inevitable annihilation but to embrace it. If they react like this over a conflict with a little country like Israel, how will they react when someone like us arrives?

MOXARGON Probably not very well at all. How will this affect the uncertainty over leadership of Israel?

XRAN Boy, I really shouldn't have planted that brain worm in Ariel Sharon's head. That's my bad.

ANDROID CAI/7 Something doesn't compute. A third of Israel's population have the same ethnicity and religion as the Palestinians, yet they live in peace and relative prosperity among the Israelis. Why do the majority of Palestinians choose to live in oppression and squalor when they could have made peace decades ago?

VAROS I guess some folks would rather be miserable than admit they screwed the skeddledrakk.

MOXARGON Good point Varos. Well, that's all for tonight. We hope to see you soon, you Earthlings better hope we never come. Goodnight and keep watching the skies.