A Tribute to the Literary Excesses of Frank J.
by Remulak MoxArgon
"Dagnabbit!" barked Overlord Bush as he crumpled up the morning's copy of the Washington Post. He paused for a second looking for a corner to throw it into, finding none in the Oval Office; he just whiffed it at Attorney General Gonzalez. "I'm killing more terrorists than there are STDs in France, the economy's booming, and my poll numbers still stink. What's going wrong?"
"I blame the liberal media," declared Vice Overlord Dick Cheney, "they lean farther to the left than a Zywellian bumblehog who has eaten too many farka beans."
"Damn this constitution," growled Bush. "If I was like one of those folks on UN Human Rights Council I'd be able to torture and shoot any damn reporter I didn't like. Instead I play all nice and non-oppressive and they turd all over me like a Trilluvian Wibblemonger."
"I could take select members of the press hunting," suggested Vice Overlord Cheney.
"That would never work," said Bush as he rose from his seat to look out the window. He then paused.
"Fellers," asked the Overlord of the American Empire, "is that big flying saucer thingy supposed to be hovering over Washington?"
All eyes turned to John Negroponte.
"Why are you looking at me?" asked the Director of Homeland Security.
"Aren't you supposed to know about these things?" asked Bush, pointing to the UFO hovering outside.
"Screw you!" barked Negroponte as he stormed out of the Oval Office, bawling like a little girl.
"Dagnabbit!" growled Bush. "Now he's going to go leak to the press that it's all my fault. What do you think Karl?"
Karl Rove sat silently in his chair, staring blankly at the ceiling.
"Karl?" asked Bush.
Bush poked Karl Rove with his official Oval Office poking stick. The trusted adviser tipped over and fell to the floor, the top of his head popping off like a bottle-cap, revealing the empty bowl of his skull.
"Dang it!" barked Bush. "Some li'l bastard done stole Karl's brain. I need that to think for me! Now how am I going to find out what the hell's going on!"
"This is a Fox New Special Report," said anchor Greta Van Swooster, "as you've heard massive UFOs have begun hovering over every city on Earth, android and cyborg hordes have taken beachhead positions controlling key military facilities and someone has stolen the brain of Karl Rove. Earth is being invaded by aliens and we have no way of stopping them. Joining me now is the being who is responsible for all these events. He is called Remulak MoxArgon and he's the ruler of the multi-galaxy Flokian Empire. Welcome to the studio Emperor MoxArgon."
"It's good to be here," said the devilishly handsome blue alien. "We've been observing your planet for some time and it's a real pleasure to be finally bringing it under our heel."
"A lot of people are wondering what you did with Karl Rove's brain?"
"It's right here," said Remulak, pointing to a stocky little robot beeping by his side. "Inside my new pet Rove-bot. Isn't it cute?"
"Yes it is," said Greta. "What are your intentions for planet Earth?"
"Well," said Remulak with a smile. "my plans are very simple really. First...."
"Sorry to interrupt you Mr. MoxArgon," said Greta. "But we have to interrupt with breaking news. There have been no new developments today in the case of the teenager who disappeared in Aruba..."
"What in the name of the Seven Nostrils of Flovax?"
"Don't interrupt," said Greta before returning to her teleprompter. "Absolutely no new information has come up in this case we'll keep you... AAAAAAAAAKKKKKKHHHHHH!!!!"
MoxArgon put his disintegrator pistol back in his holster, waved away some of the smoke that was Greta Van Swooster, and said: "I thought this network would be better. All Larry King wanted to talk about was Tom Cruise and Katie Frikkin' Holmes. What the hell is wrong with you media people?"
"Okay Bucky," said Donald Rumsfeld, "the world is in danger of being overrun by aliens."
"Damn Mexicans!" growled Bucky.
"It's not the Mexicans!" yelled Rumsfeld. "It's real aliens, as in people from other planets! Dammit! Haven't you heard?"
"No," answered Bucky the Marine. "All CNN is talking about is The DaVinci Code, and Fox News is in Aruba interviewing American Idol finalists about the Natalee Holloway case."
"What about MSNBC?"
"Get out there and destroy those aliens!" ordered Rumsfeld.
Then came a knock on the door.
Then the door fell off its hinges and a black furry alien, accompanied by a tall silvery android entered.
"Hi," said the black furry alien. "You must be Rumsfeld, I'm Xran the Fleshrender and this is Android CAI/7. You are now our prisoner."
"There are the aliens!" barked Rumsfeld. "Destroy them!"
Bucky howled and charged at the silvery Android CAI/7.
Bucky's howl was soon drowned out by the horrible squishy sound of his skull being squeezed empty like a packet of ketchup by the Android's metallic hand.
"Damn it!" growled Rumsfeld. "I just had that carpet cleaned."
"Next question please," said newly minted Press Secretary Tony Snow. "How about NBC news?"
"How will this alien invasion affect the reconstruction of New Orleans?" asked Brian Williams of NBC.
"The aliens atomized New Orleans an hour ago," said Tony calmly, "so property values have skyrocketed there. Let's take a question from the blogosphere. Mr. Interpundit?"
The blogger put down his puppy smoothie and stood up.
"How could the CIA not known that an alien invasion was imminent when there was a blog written by these aliens declaring their intention to conquer our world."
"The CIA only reads the Daily Kos and some site run by someone called Bitch is Always Right, or something like that. Kos completely ignored the invasion threat because it couldn't be blamed on Bush, and this Bitch fellow kept saying it was an empty threat. Ironically both are currently being gang-probed by something called the Rectalyzer. Next question, how about the New York Times."
Jayson Bleer rose from his seat. "What is the White House's position on the alien mutant named Snotglob planting eggs in Helen Thomas's brain right there in the front row?"
"Personally," answered Tony Snow, "I can see an up-side. The quality of her questions went way up since Snotglob lobotomized her, though I do fear that the eggs won't have enough to eat in there."
"One quick follow up," asked Bleer. "How is this Bush's fault?"
"Dagnabbit!" snapped Bush from the bunker beneath his ranch in Crawfor Texas. "Aliens have pretty much taken over the entire planet. What can we do?"
"I say look at the positive side," said Alberto Gonzalez, "the aliens did vaporize Cindy Sheehan."
"And I sent Condi to give them a thank you note for that," answered Bush, "but so far there's been no answer from her."
"I wonder how she's doing?" asked Gonzalez.
"Dammit!" barked Bush putting a .45 automatic to the Attorney General's head. "Quit doing segues and get me a beer! I'm going back on the sauce!"
"Ooh Remulak," said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. "That was incredible."
"Well you know what they say," said the hunky conqueror as he poured her a fresh glass of Denobulian wine. "Once you go blue, nothing else will do."
Suddenly the sexy alien overlord's communicator buzzed.
"Hello," said Remulak.
"This is TekTak," said his cyborg colleague. "I'm over at the Earthling Capitol, we've rounded the entire congress and almost all the senior cabinet ministers."
"Did you find Cheney?"
"Yeah," answered TekTak, "turns out his 'undisclosed location' was a Hooters in Fairfax Virginia."
"Good work," said Remulak. "Once my honeymoon with my new bride is over we'll unleash our endgame."
"Yes," said TekTak, "our endgame!"
"Get back here Remulak and gimme some sugar."
"Damn Condi," said Remulak, "you're insatiable, we gotta save something for Michelle Malkin! Just let me wrap this little story up with one more evil laugh."
"Sure," said Remulak's new bride.