TEKTAK- Welcome puny Earthlings to another edition of the Moxargon Group. I'm Tektak F. Mechanoid, regular readers probably know me better from Point/Counterpoint and I'm going to be filling in for our regular host Remulak Moxargon.
XRAN- Where is Remulak?
TEKTAK- He discovered Michelle Malkin's Hot Air video blog, and we can't get him to leave his office.
VAROS- I'd say that was sad, but I'm having too much of a laugh at his expense.
ANDROID CAI/7- Juvenile infatuations are illogical.
TEKTAK- So they asked me to fill in for him till he's finished watching every episode of Vent for the umpteenth time. First issue: Iranian Nukes. What should be done?
XRAN- Although I am a big fan of diplomacy, I can still see the positive side of bombarding them from the air with ionic plasma cannons until their cities are rubble, then swooping down and feasting on the skins of the populace while looting and pillaging their national treasures.
TEKTAK- Yeah, but I think you'll find that Earthlings, especially Americans, aren't all that big on the skin eating.
XRAN- And they consider themselves civilized.
VAROS- I'd hate to sound like the mushy bleeding heart here, but you don't have to resort to bombing and skin eating. The deliberate infection of the country's ruling elite with some sort of painful neurogenic virus would probably do the trick. It's hard to nuke anyone with blood shooting from your eye-sockets.
ANDROID CAI/7- Varos makes a logical point. Through his method the general populace remains unscathed. Thus leaving them fit and able for enslavement in the regions petroleum mines.
TEKTAK- All good points. Though there is still the option of mass enslavement of the Iranians through the use of Zardozian brain slugs. That would wrap things up nicely without firing a shot.
VAROS- I've never been a fan of the brain-slug option. Sure it makes people your slave with no free will of their own, but the incontinence leaves a lot to be desired.
TEKTAK- Good point. Next issue. Al Qaida in Iraq kahuna Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi is reportedly reorganizing his group from a suicide bombing terrorist gang, to a makeshift guerilla army that he thinks will be able to drive the Americans out of Iraq. What do you think?
XRAN- It's official, Zarqawi's truly gone off his nut.
ANDROID CAI/7- It is highly illogical to challenge the world's most powerful military head to head in open battle, even guerilla warfare.
VAROS- I heard that Zarqawi may not have a choice in the matter. Word has it he's having a tough time recruiting men to participate in his so-called 'Martyrdom Operations.'
XRAN- That's inevitable. Promise men 72 heavenly virgins and he'll blow himself up. However, so many have been blowing themselves up that they're probably running low on the old virgin supply.
VAROS- They're probably scraping the bottom of the barrel if you know what I mean. The girls waiting for them are probably not 'virgins by choice' if you know what I mean.
XRAN- And as someone with a history of polygamous, polymorphous, and polyspecies relationships, having so many brides ain't all that great. Put that many females together and they'll start talking. Then they'll figure out that they outnumber your sorry ass and you're screwed, and not in a good way.
VAROS- That must be why you're always traveling.
XRAN- Let's move onto the next topic.
TEKTAK- Before we move on I just have a question. Does anyone know what a female suicide bomber gets in Heaven?
VAROS- I have it on good authority that they get a day off.
TEKTAK- Next topic: Illegal immigration. To wall, or not to wall the border with Mexico.
ANDROID CAI/7- Wall's are ineffectual. Thermal plasma shielding is much more effective in keeping out unwanted guests.
XRAN- It's a big border and both walls and plasma shielding is pretty pricey. I think they could buy a few thousand hunter-killer droids from my cousin Nrax for half the price of a wall.
VAROS- I think you're missing the big picture. America needs a certain number of immigrants to contribute to economic growth. So I say they should build the wall, but leave openings in the wall that connect to a complex and constantly shifting maze. To survive the maze the wannabe immigrant has to pass a series of life or death challenges testing physical fitness, mental acuity, and any other skills Americans find necessary. It'll weed out the losers and the cranks and the ones that do survive will be more grateful to be Americans.
TEKTAK- That's a pretty good idea. Next issue: Hollywood. Critics are attacking actor Andy Garcia's film The Lost City, mostly because of its historically accurate portrayal of the Cuban Revolution. What do you think?
XRAN- Sounds like he screwed the pooch on this one. No one in Hollywood wants to hear anything bad about paragons of liberty like Fidel Castro and Che Guevera.
ANDROID CAI/7- Denial of historical accuracy to fit some irrational, and ultimately self destructive agenda is illogical.
VAROS- Yeah, pretty dumb too. Shame this will ruin Garcia's career.
TEKTAK- Yeah, it's a shame, the poor bastard's going to be stuck playing drug dealers in straight to DVD films for the rest of his life. Now let's move onto to something different. I'd like to hear your predictions for the week coming up.
ANDROID CAI/7- This week's massive May Day protests will convince the majority of Americans that they don't really need illegal immigrants.
XRAN- The coordinated CIA/Retired Military/Democratic Party/Media attacks against the Bush administration will continue to dominate Earthling news, no matter how divorced from reality or threatening to democracy they become.
VAROS- John McCain will continue to alienate Republican voters with his "Free Speech = Corruption" arguments while still becoming even more enamored with bankers and their campaign contributions.