Greetings puny Earthlings, it's your inevitable Lord & Master Remulak MoxArgon, here to dish out the best, the pretty good, the mediocre, and the weakest in teh funny before my alien hordes sweep down and enslave your world like so many others before.
I must warn you, many on Flokia Prime consider me the Simon Cowell of comedy, so get ready for some merciless classic bitchiness on those who displease me!
Now let's get to business!
Because I rule most of the Universe and can do whatever the heck I want with no skin of my narmboks.
These Earthlings will be spared the hardships of the conquest of Earth and brought to my court to amuse me and my underlings with their wacky almost Carrot-Top-esque take on modern life.
Vox Poplar will also be spared, not only for material like Give Surrender A Chance, but because Xran thinks we owe him after the whole brain-worm-anal-probe fiasco.
Tommy at Striving for Average proves he's A Fighter. That should spare his puny Earthling hide.
Blogger and Stridex enthusiast Damian G. shows that he has a good understanding of the Culture of Corruption, and that might prove useful when I conquer your puny planet.
Fitch will also be brought to amuse me and my minions as long as he delivers material like this! But if he screws up once, he'll find out how empty my threats can be. Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
David @ The Trouser Quandry Resolution delivers his own take on the mystery surrounding Welsh artist Dai Vinci. I do so enjoy those silly absurdist Brits. Too bad I will have to condemn most of them to eternal slavery.
Peace Moonbeam stumbles onto an Inconvenient Truth & it's not the one about Earth's inevitable conquest by aliens.
ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE SLAVES!
These Earthlings are worthy of providing some figurative sunshine into the dreary lives of their fellow slaves, real sunshine being strictly rationed. Benefits of this position include an extra bowl of gruel provided monthly and only half the daily stun-rod beatings of regular slaves.
Either Orr will be spared the worst of it for delivering some chuckles with this piece. What can I say, I just can't resist references to 80s alternative music.
Don Surber's contribution was more tragic than funny, but heh, folks still watch Saturday Night Live, so the slaves might like it.
Morgnet will entertain his fellow petroleum miners with his wacky take on those pesky earthquakes.
I also decided that Blue Squares can spend their time teaching their fellow slaves about Unwarranted Generalizations.
Canajun Finances won't be getting as many stun-rod beatings for delivering what the peasants like BLOWING STUFF UP.
Jon Swift will also be touring his Conservative Rock & Roll show, cause those kids love that rock and roll music.
Wild Bill will entertain the serfs with the ongoing adventures of MOONBATS IN SPACE!
SLAVES FOR THE MUCUS MINES
These folks weren't all that funny in my opinion, and since I'm the one with the intergalactic battlefleet, I'm right. But their lives will be spared to provide slave labour in the mucus mines of Flovax IV.
Jack Be Nimble, too much information, too few laughs.
Jeremiah Beck, likely story Mr. PeePee Pants.
Miriam this post might be funny for librarians, but I'm an intergalactic conqueror, not a librarian, this one's true, but not that funny, and this one isn't a bad idea, it's just not all that funny, besides, when I'm through the entire planet's going to be a tad underpopulated.
Jerry Dante... hmmm.... so this Dead Air Dave's supposed to be funny? Okay, but you're post isn't. NSFW for brazen use of the word testicle.
FOOD FOR THE JAGOFARTAGAN OF BUTRYL XIII
These folks not only failed to deliver the funny. They just got on my nerves and for that offense they will be taken to the planet of Butryl XIII and fed to this critter.
They sure are cute when they're little.
Sinkmyship, isn't just not funny, it's not even comedy, it's some sort of commercial for some online game. I don't do commercials unless I get paid the big bucks. So until you pony up the platinum, you're off to become dinner.
Someone Else's post led to someone else's material, is that ironic, because it's not good comedy?
Renee's Small Dogs post about sticky paw prints was just so damn cutesy it made me produce something sticky. It's as cute as a sack full of puppies, just before they go into the deep fryer. This is the CARNIVAL OF COMEDY, not the CARNIVAL OF CUTE.
Well, thanks to The Conservative Cat, Spacemonkey, and the other lovely and fragrant folks at IMAO for letting me host this event, their consistent delivery of teh funny will earn them a place, and possibly a sitcom deal, when I finally get around to crushing your puny planet.
Jerry Dante's hosting next week, and then the duties will pass to FIAR.
So until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you, and you better be funny.