A MoxArgon MailSac Special

Greetings puny Earthlings.

While filling for the vacationing TekTak F. Mechanoid at Point/Counterpoint, I received a very interesting message from someone, I assume some sort of primitive Earthling android, named Qwerty182764. In this message he asked some rather challenging questions of yours truly, and I've decided to share those questions and my answers with you, my humble Earthling fans.

Now let us suppose you attempt to invade us. You may have seen resistance on the order of what our militaries can furnish before (though I dare your landing craft to face the USAF unscathed).

Now Qwerty raises some interesting points, that I'd like to answer.

First: There ain't no suppose about the coming invasion and conquest of your world. It is coming, it is inevitable, and there won't be a damn good thing you and your puny USAF can do to stop it. I mean my hordes use nuclear weapons to clean their dishes, so it's not like you've got the firepower to take us on. Your subjugation may come today, it may come tomorrow, it might happen a hundred of your Earth years from now, I ain't gonna tell ya the date and ruin the surprise.

Where's the fun in that anyway?

However, qwerty has more to say:

Let me be a bit bold and use France as an example. France is an archetype of the political left. But if you'll go back a bit further, you'll find that throughout their checkered history, most of the fatal philosophies to afflict the west have come bubbling up out of the cauldron of their narcissism and discontent. Rational, sane, upwardly striving societies have come under the influence of their philosophes and promptly wasted themselves in war and violence. Some of the most intelligent people in the world in mindless subjugation. It has infected the most enlightened civilizations on earth in the form of socialist movements.

..surely you would be broadcasting back homeward tales of your exploits, along with history and artifacts of our culture. The messages that we send, the novelties that are here. We could send a little bit of France along with all of that.

Now how long do you suppose it will be before your empire is rendered stark raving mad? How long before the pleas from home to recall your warmongering fleet, to face trials for war crimes? How long before your weapons systems are recalled because they violate environmental safety procedures? How long before your closest advisors begin to turn on you, not because of perceptible lust for power, but "for your own good" because they feel guilty at your galaxy's success, aiding the envious masses in revolt?

Nominal or seeming intelligence has not spared people from them thus far. Only the most hard headed and practical people have been able to resist. (How large is Flokkia's middle class anyways?) So far, no culture has yet withstood their madness. Would we be cruel enough to unleash their mental virus on even you? ... ... yep.

Okee-dokey, let me get a few things clear.

France is a country full of whiny, narcissistic, cheese-eating, surrender-mad, pseudo-utopian, fascist fondling, vacation hogging imperial wannabes, who haven't had a leader with cojones since Napoleon, and he was a Corsican. They are not a mental virus. The Neurophages of Tyvorian 6 are a mental virus, the French are amateurs compared to them.

As for the people of my vast empire going all hog-nuts for peace under the influence of some sorry sack of wine-addled self-proclaimed intellectuals. The middle class of the Flokian Empire is vaster than your wildest imaginings, since a broad middle-class is the engine of any functioning economy, and they know all too well the dangers of such French style philosophies.

We are an ancient empire, and we went through all the crap Earth is going through millenia ago, we called it, The Age of Idiocy, and every little spawn in the empire is taught from birth to never let such ideological stupidity happen again.

In fact, Snotglob the mutant seems to be quite ... receptive (in addition to having a novel way of spreading his viewpoint). A risk you’re willing to take? Rousseau anyone?

Snotglob is an idiot, Snotglob was born an idiot, Snotglob will always be an idiot, and Snotglob will no doubt die an idiot and remain an idiot well into the afterlife. It's right up there with Earth's subjugation, and France's snooty backstabbing as one of the inveitabilities of the universe.

I hope I answered your questions, and remember to keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.