INTERGALACTIC ROUNDTABLE #2.4: Report from a Tasty Planet

TEKTAK- Greetings puny Earthlings. It's me Tektak F. Mechanoid, filling in for Remulak MoxArgon for this edition of The MoxArgon Group. Joining me are Varos Quasar, Xran the Fleshrender, Android Cai/7, and my Point-Counterpoint colleague Snotglob T. Mutant. Let's begin with our report on our recent expedition to Earth. Now I was visiting my cousin Herbot who's a probe-technician at Area 51 and missed all the fun you guys had, so why don't you tell our readers what happened.

XRAN- I must admit, I'm starting to like these trips to Earth. They are a peculiar people.

ANDROID CAI/7- Yes most illogical. We arrive at their door, tell them that their doom is imminent, and they give use various forms of sugary confections as a form of appeasement.

VAROS- Don't forget the stuff they call 'potato chips' you really can't eat just one.

SNOTGLOB- I found that those things the Earthlings call pop-rocks give me very painful gas.

TEKTAK- Painful for everyone, remember, it wasn't a big spaceship on the way back. But the big question is what happened to Remulak?

XRAN- Yeah, that's a bit of a puzzle. We had finally convinced him to leave Michelle Malkin alone, and what does he do, he tries picking up Mary Katherine Ham up at some of fundraising party for Republican candidates.

VAROS- That was embarrassing for everyone. Remulak thinks he's The Great Zoldar's Gift to the Ladies when he's drunk.

SNOTGLOB- What was that pickup line he used?

XRAN- It was "Hey baby, you're Ham, I'm Rye, let's make a Ham on Rye."

ANDROID CAI/7- That line almost made me regurgitate my circuit board.

XRAN- She maced him for that.

TEKTAK- She used pepper spray on him?

XRAN- No, it was a real mace. Big spiked ball at the end of a chain.

ANDROID CAI/7- I was surprised to see people who still carried them.

SNOTGLOB- She got him good. Right in the zelnorbs.

TEKTAK- Then what happened?

ANDROID CAI/7- He ran into some members of the Young Republicans who offered to initiate him into some sort of secret society.

TEKTAK- What, like Opus Dei? The Freemasons? The Jaycees?

ANDROID CAI/7- I believe they called it Delta House Fraternity.

XRAN- He agreed to go with them if they promised to give him Bethany from RealVerse's phone number.

VAROS- And that was the last we saw of him.

TEKTAK- Oh dear, I don't like the idea of him alone on Earth. Remember what happened of Twellos 9?

SNOTGLOB- The people on that planet just gave up trying to clean up that mess and moved to other planets.

TEKTAK- Well, I'm sure Remulak would want us talking about Earthling politics. Now the New York Times unleashed another October surprise by claiming that putting documents about Saddam's nuclear weapons program somehow helped Iran in it's nuclear ambitions. I posted the cover to the manual in question just the other day.

SNOTGLOB- That's awful! Bush should be impeached for that breach of national security! Bush lied people died!

ANDROID CAI/7- Logically, the New York Times is saying that Bush didn't lie. They are acknowledging that Saddam Hussein did have a weapons program, that was merely waiting for an opportune moment to revive.

XRAN- Yeah, but they're like those 500 shells full of chemical weapons that were found in Iraq, they're evidence of WMDs but the MSM doesn't consider it worth reporting. They were only enough to kill 8 million people.

VAROS- Wait a minute, the New York Times has been saying for years that there were no WMDs, now they're saying they are?

XRAN- It's called hypocrisy in action.

ANDROID CAI/7- They are only acknowledging the existence of the Iraqi WMD program in a vain attempt at embarrassing the Republicans on the eve of the mid-term elections.

SNOTGLOB- Yeah. Sure Saddam's generals probably sold the same stuff to Iran a long time ago, but those evil Republicans shouldn't have put those documents on the web. It shows their callous disregard for national security that fine publications like the New York Times is trying to preserve.

ANDROID CAI/7- Are we talking about the same New York Times that hasn't encountered an important covert operation it didn't want to expose?


TEKTAK- Snotglob you ignorant hermaphrodite slut. If you get any dumber we're going to make you go around wearing a helmet. Next issue: Scandals. The president of the National Association of Evangelicals has resigned amid accusations of involvement with a male prostitute and buying methamphetamine. The press are saying that this is yet another blow for the Republicans. Can anyone spot what's wrong with that sentiment?

XRAN- To make it a Republican scandal shouldn't this fellow be running for public office as a Republican.

ANDROID CAI/7- Yes, the media's claim is most illogical.

TEKTAK- Perhaps a more fitting word is 'biased.'

VAROS- Come on, media bias is a myth made up by people who expect the truth from their news reporters.

SNOTGLOB- Yeah, what he said.

TEKTAK- I rest my case. Next issue, John Kerry put his foot in it again this past week. I made a film about it, roll the video...

ANDROID CAI/7- That sums it up rather nicely.

XRAN- Needs more chicks, but otherwise pretty good.

SNOTGLOB- That was biased!

TEKTAK- Of course it's biased. It's an opinion piece, not a news report. Well, we've got things to do, and a host to find, so until next time, keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.

XRAN- You should also watch the bars and the bushes outside Michelle Malkin's house.


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Damian G. said...


I am SO not reading that.

RT said...

That was great! But I think you insulted poor Gomer Pyle...at least he had folksy smarts and people skills. Kerry can't claim either.

I'll keep an eye out for Remulak. Since I seem to attract jerk-wads of late, I'm sure to unearth him. (Uh, pun intended.)

RT said...

Uh, and what Damian said...but more like WTF?!?!?!?