An Alien Xmas Carol -2

A Spirited History

"Reeeeemmmmuuuuulllaaaakkk," said a ghostly voice from the shadows.

"Who is it?" asked Remulak MoxArgon poking his head out from his bed curtains.

"I am the Spirit of Christmas Past," said the spirit.

"Wait a minute," said Remulak. "You're Ronald Reagan!"

"Well," said the Ghost of Reagan, "ya got me. Hey, what's with the shot glasses?"

"When Marlay said I was getting a visit from three spirits I was expecting my old buddies Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam."

"Well I am not that kind of spirit," said the Ghostly Reagan. "You must come with me Remulak MoxArgon. Come with me to get to the root of your plot to ruin Christmas."

"I wouldn't call it a plot," said MoxArgon, "more like a scheme."

"Either way," said Reagan, "you're ass is mine for a good chunk of this night, so come with me."

"You've become a lot blunter since your death," mused Remulak.

With a gesture from the ghostly former president the window slid open, letting in a blast of cold air.

"Touch my robe and leap out the window," said Reagan's Ghost.

"I'll fall," said MoxArgon.

"Come on," said Reagan's Ghost, "I'm a spirit of Christmas, trust me."

"All right," said MoxArgon touching the spirit's robe and stepping into the open window.



"Now you've learned what I learned dealing with the damn Russians," said Reagan. "Trust but verify."


"So any lessons that don't involve me falling on my head?" asked MoxArgon as he and Spirit of Christmas past slipped through the mists of time.

"I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise," answered Reagan, "here's your old school."

Suddenly the mists parted and MoxArgon found himself standing in front of the old gray edifice of his old school, The Buggerall Academy.

"Ye gods," said MoxArgon in amazement, "it is my old school, and look there's a young me with my old school chums John Kerry, Dan Rather and Jimmy Carter."

"I must say that lunch lady terrorized the sloppy joes today like a horde of Jenjis Khans," said the young John Kerry.

"Don't diss the sloppy joes!" barked the young MoxArgon. "And it's pronounced Genghis you dingus!"

"I have fake, but accurate documents that tell me that George W. Bush and Glenn Reynolds from Gryffindork House made those sloppy joes out of blended puppies," said Dan Rather.

"How many times do I have to tell you," said Remulak, "you can't go around taking everything Frank J. says seriously Dan, it's making you look like an idiot."

"I blame the all powerful Jewish lobby," said the young Jimmy Carter.

"What Jewish lobby?" asked Remulak. "Eddie Goldberg in the Fifth Grade, or maybe the Cohen twins from down the hall?"

"They're all in on it," whispered Carter.

"You really gotta stop hanging around Mel Gibson," said the young Remulak.

"You had an odd taste in school chums," said Reagan.

"Surrounding myself with idiots made me look smarter," said Remulak.

"They're all leaving for home for the Christmas Holidays," said Reagan, "but you're staying, why is that?"

"You should know," answered Remulak, "my Dad was acting like a dick and wouldn't let me come home."

"You did try to overthrow him," said Reagan.

"It's family tradition," said Remulak, "he was just being snotty about it."

"But look who comes," said Reagan, "isn't that your sister?"

"The script says it's my sister," said MoxArgon, "but why is she being played by Lindsay Lohan?"

"She was available," answered Reagan.

"Hey there you little bashturd," slurred Remulak's sister. "Fasher'sh furgiven yous, and yer comin' home-- hic!"

"Really sister?" asked the young Remulak, hope gleaming in his eyes.

"Yesh," belched Lindsay, "grab yer crap togesher, we're makin' like a tree and gettin outta here! Hic!"

"Oh sister," said the young Remulak, "you've brought happiness and the smell of tequila and cigarettes into my otherwise joyless holiday."

"Whatcha talkin 'bout?" said his sister before passing out in the snow.

"Say," said Remulak to the other students, "could someone help me get her in the car? No peeking up her dress Clinton!"

"That Christmas changed my life," said Remulak, "father showed me the power of forgiveness."

"Yet you still blew him up with an plasma bomb," said Reagan.

"That was business," said Remulak, "nothing personal."


"Where are we now?" asked Remulak as the mists of time surrounded him yet again. Then came the sound of happy music.

"I know that song," said Remulak, "and I know this place, it's old Fuzzywig's headquarters."

The mists parted and Remulak and Reagan's Ghost were in the middle of a joyous celebration. People from all over the galaxy were dancing and singing and having fun, while a stout little mole-creature named Fuzzywig.

"Look at all the joy your old employer is bringing," said Reagan's Ghost. "And all it cost him was a few credits."

"He could afford it," said Remulak, "The profits in the Flokian Opium trade were huge that year. Plus he had that whole 'Oil for Food' racket going with the United Nations."

"Let's cast our eyes on something less morally suspect," said Reagan, "let's see a young Remulak in love."

"Oh Angelina," said the young Remulak, "I know it's not a fancy engagement ring, but some day when I've conquered a few planets of my own I'll get you one of the finest gold and platinum."

"Oh Remulak," said Angelina Jolie, "I'd still love you even if you didn't conquer any planets. And this simple ring, made from the skull of a fallen enemy is enough of a token of love for me."

"That's what I love about ya girl," said the young Remulak, "you're hot with a side order of freak."

"I seem to remember this was a pretty hot night," said MoxArgon, "mind if I stick around and watch the good part after we duck behind the particle cannons?"

"There is much more to see," said Reagan as the mists came in again, blocking the view of anything fun.

"You're no fun," snarled MoxArgon.

"You're time with her would soon come to an end," said Reagan, "as you went into business with Marlay and became obsessed with conquering planets and aquiring wealth."

"So that's why I can't see no boobies tonight," said MoxArgon. "I hate stories when they get all moral."

The mists parted and MoxArgon and Reagan found themselves in the sitting room of MoxArgon's home. Angelina stood by the door, unable to bring herself to look at the young Remulak counting his money.

"You've changed Remmy," said Angelina, "when we first hooked up it was about adventure, spaceships, and a little cosplay, but now you're all about money and power."

"You're no prize yourself baby," said young Remulak from behind his stacks of gold and platinum. "We can't even go to the mall without you dragging home some orphan, I mean I can't even keep track of their names anymore."

"I can't go on," screamed Angelina melodramatically as she tossed Remulak's ring back at him and fled out the door.

"What's with all the yelling?" asked Marlay as he came in.

"Angelina left me," said young Remulak, "but she'll be back. Once you go blue, nothing else will do."

"Sure pal," said Marlay.

"Say," said young Remulak, "let's go fishing to get our minds of our troubles, just let me get this box into the car."

"What's in the box?" asked Marlay, "sounds like it's full of heavy chains."

"How silly," said young Remulak shiftily, "why would I be bringing chains on a fishing trip?"

"And with that simple little homicide," said Reagan, "you seized Marlay's share of the empire, and became the greedy, grasping old sinner we all know and loathe."

"I gotta be me." said Remulak.

Suddenly he was falling.


No comments: