An Alien Xmas Carol -3

Pap, Present & Future
"Damn it," growled MoxArgon as he hit his bedroom floor with a thud. "This is getting annoying."

"Get your sorry excuse for an ass out here!" boomed a loud voice from the next room.

MoxArgon got up, dusted himself off, and fished out the plasma pistol he kept behind his collection of shrunken Andorian heads.

"I'm coming out," snarled MoxArgon, "and I'm packing heat!"

MoxArgon kicked open the open and aimed his pistol.

But he didn't shoot.

"My god," said MoxArgon in awe, "it's R. Lee Ermey!"

"That's right chucklehead," said Ermey with a commanding bellow, "you may remember from my role as the Sergeant in Full Metal Jacket."


"But I'm not here to talk movies," said Borgnine, "I'm here to save that sorry excuse of an underwear skidmark you call a soul!"

"So you're gonna show me how people celebrate Christmas?"

"Boy, you sure are smart you blue-b*lled p*ss-swimmer!" snarled Ermey. "Now put that gun away before I send it up your rectum sideways, pull the trigger and give you a Saskatchewan Socket Slam!"

"Yes sir," said MoxArgon putting the pistol in the pocket of his housecoat.

"Now we're going to see what a miserable little excuse for a condom leak you really are and you are going to pay attention, or swear, I will stick my foot up your ass, my fist down
your throat and give a Panamanian Turkey Roll," barked Ermey.

"Yes sir!"

"I can't hear you! Sound off like you gotta pair!"


Suddenly the room melted away and was replaced by a simple grey room. The walls were metallic, but dotted with rust. A lone humanoid woman worked hard at a stove.

"Where are we," said MoxArgon, "a photoshoot for 'Ugly Homes & Garbage Dumps?'"

"We're at the home of your employee Android CAI-7 Ratchet you smelly little maggot turd," screamed Ermey. "Now pay attention or I will pluck out both your eyes and give your skull a Mexican Mudslide!"

A small kitty flap opened at the door and in rolled the head of Android CAI-7.

"Honey," said the head as it rolled in, "I'm home."

"How was work today?" asked Mrs. Ratchet.

"The usual," answered Android CAI-7.

"Did you ask Mr. MoxArgon for a new body?"

"You know it's a very touchy subject, especially at this time of year," said the head as he rolled across the floor. "Where's Tiny TekTak?"

"I'm here father," said Tiny TekTak as he carefully limped into the room. He was a wretched looking little cyborg, coughing and wheezing. "Will Mr. MoxArgon give you a new body so you can save me before I die horribly Father?"

"Not today son, not today."

"Wait a cotton picking minute," said MoxArgon. "This is all hooey!"

"What?" barked Ermey, "You better unscrew your head from your ass, or I will rip off your head, sh*t down your neck and give you a Philadelphia Finger Fandango!"

"This is all an illusion," said MoxArgon, "and a pretty badly thought out one at that. Somebody is trying to guilt me into giving Android CAI-7 his body back, and there's only one person who would want to do that."

"You better stop this crazy talk before I personally give you a Bolivian Ball-Busting and carve you a new poop-chute!"

"Pollcat the Mind-Bender!" said MoxArgon. Suddenly the Ratchet home vanished and he was back in his bedroom, with only two heads accompanying him.

One, belonged to Android CAI-7, the other was big, ancient and wizened, and lived in a big tank, it belongsed to the Pollcat the Mind-Bender.

"You really can't blame me for trying," said Android CAI-7.

"Pollcat," said MoxArgon.

"Yes," said Pollcat, curious as to his fate.


Pollcat was an ancient and wise creature, and he didn't need to be told twice to haul ass, even though he personally didn't own one.

"What are you going to do with me?" asked the head of Android CAI-7.

Remulak MoxArgon picked up the severed head of his analyst and walked to the window and opened it.

"Boy," he cried out to a passing child. "What day is this?"

"Why it's Christmas Day Guv'nor," answered the Boy.

"I think Santa's left you something with me," said Remulak, before tossing the boy Android CAI-7's head, "It's a brand new kickball. Have fun."

"Thanks Guv'nor," said the adorable cockney child before he started kicking the head of Android CAI-7 down the street. Creating quite a clatter when it his some trash cans.



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