MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings and welcome to another edition of the MoxArgon Group. I'm Remulak MoxArgon, ruler of the Trans-Galactic Empire, Usurper of Thrones, and Dark Lord of a Trillion Suns. Joining me are my regular co-hosts Xran the Fleshrender, Varos Quasar, and the head of Android Cai/7. First topic. Last night US Overlord Bush made a speech outlining future plans for Iraq. What do you think?
XRAN- It was missing those three little words.
XRAN- Giant killer robots.
VAROS- Don't you think that's a little extreme?
MOXARGON- The problem with the entire war effort is that they haven't been extreme enough. They're fighting a war and the Americans, despite what the media says, have been fighting with kid gloves on. They're taking prisoners alive, they're not massacring whole cities as punishment for sheltering insurgents, and they're not nuking the capitol cities of the neighboring countries that insist on interfering with Iraq. They're being too damn nice, and that's got to stop.
VAROS- What's wrong with trying to be nice?
MOXARGON- Wars are not nice. Especially when you're dealing with an enemy that loves death to the point of dementia and believes that compassion, charity, and diplomacy are weaknesses and invitations to aggression.
ANDROID CAI/7- I agree with our wonderful, and dashingly handsome leader on this point. The USA should have just exterminated the entire region and taken the oil.
MOXARGON- Thanks for the kind words, you're still not getting your body back.
ANDROID CAI/7- Shazbot.
XRAN- Of course the Democrats are opposing Bush's plan. They oppose anything that might result in victory. It's only a matter of time before they defund the war and Iraq is torn apart.
MOXARGON- I hope they're ready to take responsibility for the genocide that would come as Iran and Syria try to carve up the country.
VAROS- As a supporter of the Democrats I feel that any genocide committed in Iraq wouldn't count.
MOXARGON- How could genocide not count?
VAROS- Genocide only counts if it involves white people, like in Yugoslavia. If anyone involved has a bit of tan, like the Iraqis, then they're to be left alone, like in Sudan, and Rwanda.
MOXARGON- That's a real eye-opener. Next issue- The Taliban recently released new guidelines for its terrorists. And rule number 19 is very interesting. It's now forbidden for Taliban terrorists to have underage boys in their tents. Apparently all the forced buggery is having a bad effect on their image.
XRAN- How can it get any worse? They're idea of doing the will of Allah is to behead teachers for the sin of teaching girls to read.
VAROS- Wait a minute. Is this rule an attempt to suppress homosexuality among the Taliban.
MOXARGON- Taliban fundamentalists are not homosexuals. The term 'homosexual' implies some sort of romantic-sexual attraction. Taliban fundamentalists are misogynists who spend their lives demonizing women and rejecting any and all forms of feminine affection. Their sexuality is based on pain and dominance, hence the rampant sexual abuse of boys in their madrassas and training camps. Isn't that right Android Cai/7?
ANDROID CAI/7- Yes. The ever-present suicidal/homicidal rage of the Taliban fundamentalist is a mix of misogyny, sexual frustration, and no doubt emotional trauma caused by past abuse.
XRAN- Of course if you were really a homosexual in a Taliban society, you'd have to be killed because you might fall in love and that doesn't fit their societal/sexual structure based on pain and suffering.
VAROS- This is all too complicated for me.
MOXARGON- That's what the media says too, so they ignore it. Next issue. There's a move to impeach Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from the Iranian Presidency. What do you think?
XRAN- Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.
VAROS- Why do they want to get rid of him?
ANDROID CAI/7- It might be his policy of getting pre-emptively nuked by Israel.
MOXARGON- Not exactly something you put on your campaign posters. "Vote for Me & I'll Get You Incinerated." The irony is that there are some on the left who think it would be okay for Iran to attack Israel to prevent them from preventing Iran from getting the A-Bomb and killing everyone to feed the Mahdi's thirst for blood.
XRAN- I think the motto of the left is to go against whatever logic, human decency and democracy stands for.
VAROS- I resent that.
MOXARGON- Still on the topic of Iran, a local girl has been convicted and sentenced to death by a religious court. Her crime, defending herself and another girl from being raped.
XRAN- Don't get me started on their treatment of women.
VAROS- She must have done something wrong. The Iranian government doesn't toss around the death penalty lightly, like Texas.
ANDROID CAI/7- It's highly illogical.
MOXARGON- The thing that really sticks in my zolbag is that the women were accompanied by two young men, who RAN AWAY and left the girls to be raped. The girl should be given a medal, the surviving rapists hung, and those boys horsewhipped for the crime of not having balls and running away.
XRAN- I'm detecting a bit of a theme here in the Islamic world.
MOXARGON- It's time the Islamic world took a long hard look at itself. Hell, Pakistan recently banned Robert Spenser's THE TRUTH ABOUT MOHAMMED for being 'damaging to Islam' even though he only used recognised Islamic sources for his book.
ANDROID CAI/7- The entire culture is hell bent on destroying itself and taking the rest of the planet Earth down with it.
MOXARGON- Let's leave the Middle East and take a look at America. A Yale University Men's choir was assaulted by a gang of private school students after singing the Star Spangled Banner in San Fransisco.
XRAN- The rumor is that they attacked the choir because they thought they were gay, not because they were patriotic.
ANDROID CAI/7- That's a pretty weak defense. Both actions are wrong.
MOXARGON- Exactly, they should have just left the choir alone. I say that those private school snots should be sentenced to an immediate and thorough ass whupping delivered by people who know how to do it right. It's the only way they'll learn.
VAROS- That would be cruel and unusual.
XRAN- I think they should bring back corporal punishment. Nothing like a bare-bottomed flogging in the town square to teach you not to do something.
MOXARGON- It worked for you.
XRAN- Damn right. I haven't smoked since.
MOXARGON- However, it looks like no one is going to be charged, thanks to police inaction and no-doubt the actions of the attacker's parents. In other news, the FBI says that their leak investigations are being stymied by everything from uncooperative bureaucrats to the disappearance of key files.
ANDROID CAI/7- Was Sandy Berger in the office?
MOXARGON- Good one. What do you think?
XRAN- I think there's a blatant conspiracy by bureaucrats to undermine the elected government of the USA. Now the media won't report it, because they're in on it too.
VAROS- You're being paranoid.
MOXARGON- But is he paranoid enough? And we have to leave on that cheerful not, so on behalf of my associates, it's goodbye, and keep watching the skies, because we're watching you.