An Android Among The Stars #1.

Greetings puny Earthlings. It is I, Android CAI/7-5342-X7, and it has been determined by this groups illustrious leader, and ruler of the known Universe and several related dimensions, Remulak MoxArgon that I take over the Hollywood Beat from Xran the Fleshrender.

I objected to this, stating that an intellect as vast and logical as mine would be wasted covering the painted and pampered poodles of Earth's bottomless chum bucket of a celebrity culture, but MoxArgon reminded me that I was just an android's severed head, and that I could much less than that.

So let's get started.

STORY #1: Slate critic Dana Stevens pans the film 300, about the Spartan/Persian battle of Thermopylae. In her review, she compares watching the film to being raped and making statements like these:

One of the few war movies I've seen in the past two decades that doesn't include at least some nod in the direction of antiwar sentiment, 300 is a mythic ode to righteous bellicosity.

It's nice to see that the critic has done absolutely no research about Spartan culture. The Spartans were righteously bellicose by their very nature, and do you know what they called a Spartan with 'anti-war sentiment?'

I do not know, but it definitely wasn't 'Spartan.'

She also compares the film to Nazi propaganda of the 1930s, but also leaves out a little something called a fact.

Nazi propaganda made up events to slander the Jewish people and justify their slaughter. 300 is a movie about an actual war that happened in ancient times and tries to present the attitudes and culture of those ancient peoples.

Yes, the western world is in a war for survival against an autocratic enemy from the east, just like the movie and just like history. Yet she thinks that it is somehow wrong to present a story about martial courage and patriotism during a war for survival.

I guess Ms. Stevens is of the school of thought, so prevalent in the media, that the poor 100,000 Persian soldiers and their god-emperor Xerxes were being oppressed by the 300 racist Spartans who prevented them from expressing their Persian culture through the medium of slaughter and conquest.

Bas Spartans! Bad, Bad Spartans!

STORY #2: Anna Nicole Smith is still dead. I don't know why you have to be told this, but since all your news networks are repeating the story, who am I to break from the pack.

STORY #3: Falsely accused comedienne and talk show dominatrix Rosie O'Donnell demonstrated that hanging upside down is what keeps her mentally healthy. It may have cured her depression, supposedly caused by being the center of the universe, but it has made her more self-righteously belligerent than a Spartan on a bender of distilled bat piss, since she's picking fights with co-hosts, Donald Trump, and the people behind the American Idol juggernaut.

Yeah, that's a great way to show you're healthy.

Goodbye for now Puny Earthlings. It's back to begging for my body back for me.