MOXARGON- Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time for another edition of Ask The MoxArgon Group, where the greatest minds in the universe answer questions posed by... well, you people. Joining me are Xran the Fleshrender, Varos Quasar, the head of Android Cai/7, and our Point/Counterpoint colleagues Tektak F. Mechanoids and Snotglob T. Mutant. Our first question comes from Damian G. and he asks:
What is the alien term for RINOS like Chuck Hagel and John McCain?
MOXARGON- I think we can go to our most cunning linguist for that answer. Varos?
VAROS- There are many alien languages and many terms to discuss shameless political opportunists like Hagel and McCain. There is no direct translation for these terms into Earthling English, but it is a hybrid between the words "jellyfish" and "whore."
MOXARGON- Thank you Varos. Damian G. has another question and he asks:
If Rosie O'Donnell were to be sentenced to death by hanging, would there be a rope thick enough to support her as the trap door is released?
MOXARGON- Xran, you used to work as an executioner for Smedrick the Odorous, what do you think?
XRAN- The answer is very simple. Rope is strong, and no matter how immense the traitor's ego, or backside, it would still hold the weight. But she probably wouldn't be executed because in my culture it's considered bad luck to execute the mentally ill, even when they're annoying.
MOXARGON- Thank you. Next question is from Wyatt Earp, and he asks:
How difficult is it to find a PU-36 Space Modulator? I want to blow up the Earth?
MOXARGON- I'll answer this one, I have all of them, and you can't have them. At least not until I've talked Michelle Malkin and Mary Katherine Ham into joining my harem. So there. Our next question comes from Anonymous, and he/she/it writes:
How would you convince the media to stop being so biased towards the left and go back to simply reporting the facts, without resorting to something so rash as laying some legal smackdown on the press altogether
SNOTGLOB- I can answer that one.
SNOTGLOB- Sure. I'll just explain to this obviously confused Earthling that there is no such thing as left wing media bias.
MOXARGON- HA-HA-HAH! Oh, Snotglob, just when I think it's going to be another boring day, you just crack me up. Why don't you take this one Tektak, your brain is functioning.
TEKTAK- Sure, Remulak. The only way to get the media to drop the left wing bias is to implant Trillidium neural-override chips in their brains. After implantation any desire to put a leftist spin on a story will result in painful electric shocks going through their entire nervous system. After a few on-air freak-outs and some minor bladder control problems, liberal bias should be a thing of the past.
MOXARGON- Next two questions come from Rogue. Rogue's first question is:
How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
MOXARGON- I think this one's fit for our resident Math whiz Android Cai/7.
ANDROID CAI/7- It takes precisely 534.3432 licks to reach the center of the Tootsie Pop.
MOXARGON- Thanks and Rogue's next question:
Did you shave your head because K-Fed threatened to have you drug-tested?
MOXARGON- All right. I think Rogue has us mistaken for Perez Hilton. So let's move on. RT from Joisey asks:
What are celebrities and media-types like on your planet?
MOXARGON- You've studied their entertainers Xran, what do you think?
XRAN- All I can say is that our celebrities would never use "blood soaked underwear" as a metaphor, or spout crackpot conspiracy theories on television, or do any of the infinite number of stupid things Earthling celebrities do. But, then again, we are more evolved than you puny creatures. Isn't that what you think now that you're the entertainment reporter Android Cai/7?
ANDROID CAI/7- Yes. The actions of Earth celebrities show that fame, money and stupidity do not mix.
MOXARGON- RT's next question is:
How do you "take care" of "issues" that might rear themselves?
MOXARGON- Two words: Swiftly and brutally. And RT's final question:
What's it like being blue?
MOXARGON- I'll field this one. Since I'm naturally blue, it doesn't really have any effect on my feelings whatsoever. Now if I was pink, then I'd be in trouble and so would everyone within about a hundred feet of me. Next up are a bunch of questions from JPM100. Must be a curious fellow, and JPM100 asks:
Do you think the American voting public will get buyer's remorse from the '06 election in time to have a different outcome in the '08 election? Or will the '08 election hold even more gains for Democrats?
MOXARGON- Why don't you take that one Tektak?
TEKTAK- I think the American public is already getting buyer's remorse, especially with Democrats in congress working to paralyze the government through constant politicized hearings, pork laden budget battles, and their Speaker of the House violating the US constitution, the Logan Act, and basic common sense to start her own foreign policy with Middle Eastern dictators.
MOXARGON- I think turning Spring into treason season does turn off the average American voter. JPM100 also asks:
Does alien tampering of Human DNA explains the behavior of Britney Spears, Rosie O'Donnell, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore?
MOXARGON- I can answer by stating that it's completely untrue to blame those people on us. Earthling DNA is still capable of producing complete screw ups without our help. JPM100's next question is:
Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
VAROS- Yes I do, and I'm not letting him out until he apologizes.
MOXARGON- I hope that answers your question. And our final question of the day is about astronomy, that's for you TekTak, and JPM100 asks:
How big is Uranus?
TEKTAK- Look it up in a book, or ask a Uranusian, or as they're called on your planet: Unitarians.
MOXARGON- That wraps up this edition of Ask The MoxArgon Group. And if there's one thing we learned today is that Earthlings don't even know the right question, so how are they going to find the right answer. So until next time: Have a Happy Easter and Keep Watching The Skies, Because We're Watching You.