The following is a transcript of a speech given by intergalactic Warlord Remulak MoxArgon to the graduating class of Sacred Heart High School in Columbus, Ohio.
Hello graduates.
I'd like to thank your principal: Sister Mary Margaret Halloran for asking me to give you this little talk.
I know it's unusual for an alien to give a speech at a High School graduation outside of Los Angeles.
Sister Mary Margaret remembered me as one of her more successful pupils from when she taught at St. Olgar's back on my home planet and since I remembered her deadly skills with a yard-stick, I could hardly say no.
Just funning you there Sister. Put the ruler away...
Anyway, I thought about giving you the usual hokum about pursuing your dreams and stuff like that, but I was never one for all that Chicken Soup for the Soul crap.
So I'm going to give you some practical advice.
Wear sunscreen.
I can't really stress how important that is. Especially since my starship kind of burnt up a lot of your ozone during my landing. Sorry about that, it'll be back to normal in a couple of weeks.
You should still wear the sunscreen anyway.
If Jimmy Carter makes a political statement, know that the opposite is right.
That's pretty self explanatory if you know anything about Jimmy Carter and his record.
You can never have too many pairs of clean socks and underwear.
Live peacefully.
But if someone refuses to let you live peacefully, destroy them and put their head on a pike as a warning to others.
Always have a change of clothes within easy reach. Because you never know.
When so-called experts say that the "argument is over" and that the "facts are irrefutable" about Global Warming, expect another Ice Age.
That's because God has a twisted sense of humour.
Find out why someone feels it necessary to leak classified information to the press.
Find out why the press feels they need to print it.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, but you should also make it sweet too. Be creative.
Do not annoy a llama.
They do not bite, but they do spit something wicked.
I learned that the hard way.
Don't be paranoid, but never forget that there are people out to get you.
Real Parmesan cheese is way better than the stuff you shake out of a can. It's worth the price.
Always know that it always gets worse before it gets better.
And that it will get better.
A Swiss Army knife can come in really handy in some emergencies.
Do not forget that you are the best master of your own fate. Not the government.
When someone talks about the Bush administration's "oppression" ask them how many TV networks has Bush shut down, or even threatened to shut down.
Moral equivalence is a free pass for evil, avoid it at all costs.
Always remember that anyone whose first tactic in an argument is to compare someone to Hitler, they are wrong.
Unless that person was Hitler. Then they're probably right.
Never join a religion that has its spiritual center in Los Angeles.
Remember that Saddam didn't order 9/11, he just gave money, shelter and medical care to those who did.
Know that if a person needs to kill the innocent to "restore their honour," they had no honour to begin with.
Indian food is really good. Try it.
Being famous will not fix you.
Try to have fun wherever you are.
Money isn't the root of all evil. The lust for the power that it can get is.
Wherever you are, there you are.
Do everything in moderation, especially moderation.
Don't be afraid to be silly.
If it feels like a bad idea. It is a bad idea.
Question people who write over 6000 stories about the anomaly of Abu Ghraib, and none about Al Qaida's excruciatingly detailed torture manual.
Remember that caffeine is brain fuel.
Question people who claim homicidal dictators are better than democratically elected governments.
Get lots of sleep.
Work hard.
Keep your eyes open.
And your ass down.
And you'll be all right.
Thank you.
I'd like to thank your principal: Sister Mary Margaret Halloran for asking me to give you this little talk.
I know it's unusual for an alien to give a speech at a High School graduation outside of Los Angeles.
(audience laughs)
Sister Mary Margaret remembered me as one of her more successful pupils from when she taught at St. Olgar's back on my home planet and since I remembered her deadly skills with a yard-stick, I could hardly say no.
(audience laughs)
Just funning you there Sister. Put the ruler away...
Anyway, I thought about giving you the usual hokum about pursuing your dreams and stuff like that, but I was never one for all that Chicken Soup for the Soul crap.
So I'm going to give you some practical advice.
Wear sunscreen.
I can't really stress how important that is. Especially since my starship kind of burnt up a lot of your ozone during my landing. Sorry about that, it'll be back to normal in a couple of weeks.
You should still wear the sunscreen anyway.
If Jimmy Carter makes a political statement, know that the opposite is right.
That's pretty self explanatory if you know anything about Jimmy Carter and his record.
You can never have too many pairs of clean socks and underwear.
Live peacefully.
But if someone refuses to let you live peacefully, destroy them and put their head on a pike as a warning to others.
Always have a change of clothes within easy reach. Because you never know.
When so-called experts say that the "argument is over" and that the "facts are irrefutable" about Global Warming, expect another Ice Age.
That's because God has a twisted sense of humour.
Find out why someone feels it necessary to leak classified information to the press.
Find out why the press feels they need to print it.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, but you should also make it sweet too. Be creative.
Do not annoy a llama.
They do not bite, but they do spit something wicked.
I learned that the hard way.
Don't be paranoid, but never forget that there are people out to get you.
Real Parmesan cheese is way better than the stuff you shake out of a can. It's worth the price.
Always know that it always gets worse before it gets better.
And that it will get better.
A Swiss Army knife can come in really handy in some emergencies.
Do not forget that you are the best master of your own fate. Not the government.
When someone talks about the Bush administration's "oppression" ask them how many TV networks has Bush shut down, or even threatened to shut down.
Moral equivalence is a free pass for evil, avoid it at all costs.
Always remember that anyone whose first tactic in an argument is to compare someone to Hitler, they are wrong.
Unless that person was Hitler. Then they're probably right.
Never join a religion that has its spiritual center in Los Angeles.
Remember that Saddam didn't order 9/11, he just gave money, shelter and medical care to those who did.
Know that if a person needs to kill the innocent to "restore their honour," they had no honour to begin with.
Indian food is really good. Try it.
Being famous will not fix you.
Try to have fun wherever you are.
Money isn't the root of all evil. The lust for the power that it can get is.
Wherever you are, there you are.
Do everything in moderation, especially moderation.
Don't be afraid to be silly.
If it feels like a bad idea. It is a bad idea.
Question people who write over 6000 stories about the anomaly of Abu Ghraib, and none about Al Qaida's excruciatingly detailed torture manual.
Remember that caffeine is brain fuel.
Question people who claim homicidal dictators are better than democratically elected governments.
Get lots of sleep.
Work hard.
Keep your eyes open.
And your ass down.
And you'll be all right.
Thank you.
(applause)
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