6.18.2007

News of the Earth #5: The Well D'uh Edition.

Greetings puny Earthlings. It's time once again for NEWS OF THE EARTH. Tonight it's brought to you by Harvik's Cryogenic Chambers. When you need a good millennia's sleep, trust Harvik's Cryogenic Chambers.

Okay, it looks like there's a lot of stuff that's not really news to me, but since it keeps on happening I'll report it.

1. Violence is ongoing in Gaza as Hamas slaughters members of the rival Fatah faction. Meanwhile Mahmoud Abbas has decided that being an appointed terrorist is better than an elected terrorist, fired the Hamas government and replaced with one made of his cronies. Western nations pledged millions in aid the new government, which means one thing. NEW BMWs and Tuscan villas for all Fatah leaders. I wonder if any Palestinian is wondering if they're really the victim of a massive international scam run by their leaders and their "Muslim Brothers." Probably not when there's Israelis to blame.

2. The Muslim World proves that it's the religion of peace by calling more terrorist attack in retaliation for the recent knighting of "blasphemous" author Salman Rushdie.

Is this really news?

Come on, the sun rises and the Muslim world is inflamed and calling for mass slaughter because somewhere a Jew may have seen the sunrise first and spoiled it for them. The true key to peace is when the last remaining sane Muslims see how they appear both rabid and buffoonish to the rest of the world, and do something about it. Because if they don't the rest of the world will, and it won't go well for them. When 5 billion are continuously attacked by even a small minority of 1 billion. They will stop appeasing and start slaughtering, and they won't be as gentle or willing to endanger themselves to tell the civilians from the terrorists as the Americans.

3. Ex Duke University lacrosse player Reade Seligmann is planning to sue now former Durham DA Mike Nifong. I don't know why the young man is bitter, all Nifong did was ruin his life and make it a living hell so he could con black voters to re-elect him to an office he was in no way qualified to hold?

4. In entertainment actress Angelina Jolie is flustered that Fox News dare stand up to her after her 'people' had them banned from the premiere of her movie. Maybe she did it out of worry that they may prove the reports that she and lefty director Michael Frostybottom made a film about an Al Qaida murder and left out Al Qaida for fear of sparking another round of pre-canned Islamic outrage.

5. Nuclear bunkers are the must have accessory in Germany. This is another thing I don't understand. All they have is Putin threatening to aim missiles at them for wanting to protect themselves from Iranian missiles. What's there to worry about? Of course, my species thrives on fission radiation, so it's hard for me to understand.

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2 comments:

Scott said...

I tested as Reagan Con. Funny, considering I was 6 when he was elected.

Anonymous said...

Heh, I made the program blow.

Always knew I was tough to tie down.