7.24.2007

A Case of Arrested Development

An
Open Letter From

TekTak F. Mechanoid
(former child star/ political pundit)
to
Lindsay Lohan
(party girl/part-time actress)


Dear Lindsay.

You really tossed a Targellian boner this time. Mere hours after turning yourself in to face drunk driving charges and being fitted with a booze detecting ankle bracelet you get arrested again, for drunk driving and cocaine possession.

What is your major malfunction?

I'm serious.

It's as if all that earlier humiliation was not enough, you had to make everything worse by making the booze detector sing "How dry I am."

I used to be a child actor, and I know that the transition to mature work is tough, I lost my cute, which was my big selling point on Family Units which is why I reinvented myself as a journalist and political analyst.

You were lucky, puberty had been inordinately kind to you, and you had some box office clout, there are legions of former child-stars who would love to have been in your position.

And you pissed it away.

I know you're still basically just a kid, despite the bod and the driver's license, and having your childhood stolen by rampaging stage-parents kind of leaves you in stuck in a state of stunted emotional growth.

But you shouldn't let that run your life.

You have to grow up, and grow up now, or you won't grow up at all.

I know you think you're being hip and stylish, but being a drunk, drugged out, tattooed skankenstein's monster isn't being hip.

To be hip is to be original.

That path is not original.

In fact, it's getting to be sad and pathetic for its total lack of originality.

You even got rid of your red-hair, the only feature that separates you from the others, and made yourself into yet another doped out dumb Hollywood blond.

I'm no Dr. Sanity, but all this strikes me as the behaviour of someone who hates herself.

My advice.

Ditch the tattoos, the starvation dieting, the skankified style, and especially the booze and the drugs.

You need help.

Serious help.

Not the sort of help they dispense at those country club rehab centers.

I'm talking the sort of full psychiatric makeover that would make Tom Cruise pop his Xenu.

Get it now.

Before you end up dead from a combination of anorexia, alcoholism, and drug abuse, or worse, driving over some kid because you were too drunk to drive and too stupid to know any better.

Sincerely-

TekTak F. Mechanoid

3 comments:

jpm100 said...

Unfortunately she hasn't hit bottom because she can still make money. And as long as she can, she will have to commit a major felony in order for her to be put in jail long enough for it resonates with her.

Only then will the crowd of people around her not be able to make sure she has a soft landing. Otherwise, as long as the money can come in, she will have her crowd to protect her and reassure her that she's OK.

And that is really the fault of the public. In the past the public seemed to have at least some standards. Today enough have zero standards themselves to make Lohan still a money making product and a celebrity.

rob said...

TekTak, with all due respect, why are you wasting precious writing resources on this skank in the first place? This is kind of thing that perpetuates the very behavior that you are trying (good-heartedly) to affect!
The best way to help that drug-addled, narcisstic abomination is to ignore her...Maybe she'll get the hint and grow up, but I'm not counting on it...

Anonymous said...

In the "wasting precious writing resources" department: You;re talking to a woman (and maybe even that implies a level of maturity beyond her abilities) who decided to tease the men in the rehab center by walking around naked.

Jail will be less forgiving.