Live Earthling Report

Token Earthling Correspondent for

Howdy fellow Earthlings.

As the MoxArgon Group's token Earthling it was up to me to cover the over-sized Al Gore campaign ad called Live Earth. Thanks to some transporter technology borrowed from my alien employers I was able to attend all the concerts. So don't go nitpicking as to how I could be in different places at the same time, I just explained it.

Here is my report:


The weather was fine over Giants stadium and not in the least feverish for the time of year as the transporter rematerialized me at the concert site. To avoid freaking out the sort of folks who sort of freak out at the sight of anyone spontaneously materializing I appeared in what the transporter's computer said was a secluded spot.

The spot just happened to be behind a massive heap of non-recyclable, non-bio-degradable plastic cups, styrofoam food containers, plastic utensils and discarded half-full cans of hairspray, apparently left behind by Sheryl Crow's entourage. The area reeked of discarded tofu, spilled champagne, and I could feel the ozone layer above it starting to thin.

I poked my head up from behind the heap and looked around. The coast was clear, everyone was helping AFI decide which brand of eye-liner was the most enviro-friendly and gave them the most street-cred. I put my 'Universal Press Pass' around my neck and stepped out into the backstage hullaballoo.

"Goddamn it Ernie," screamed a tall skinny roadie to his short, stocky colleague. "Alicia Keys needs more air conditioning!"

"But the grid is already maxed out Bert," replied the roadie Ernie.

"Then tell the power plant to start shoveling more coal anything below freezing will make her hair limp!"

Ernie relayed the commands into his walkie-talkie. In the distance a tall smokestack started spewing thick black clouds.

I sauntered down the hall only to be confronted by an enraged Kanye West.

"George W. Bush does not care about black people!" declared Kanye with a level certainty found only in celebrities and children discussing Santa Claus.

"That's why he keeps hiring them for his cabinet?"

"Exactly!" said Kanye. "He's the reason the levees in New Orleans broke, even though it was a design flaw from the 1960s. He's the reason Nagin left the buses to drown, and it's his refusal to sign Kyoto is what caused Hurricane Katrina."

"Even though Bush's America is the only country to actually reduce carbon emissions," I asked, "while the emissions of most Kyoto signatories went up?"

"What are you doing here with all those facts?" asked Kanye. "My rider specifically demanded a fact free zone!"

"I think it's over by the porta-potty," I said.

"Thanks," said Kanye as he went into the porta-potty. "Goddamn it!" he yelled, "Sheryl Crow used up all the toilet paper! Again!"

I strolled down towards the food service area, might as well see what the rich and famous are eating. The soon to be ex-wife of Larry David: Laurie was lecturing a group of reporters about the importance of maintaining a natural balance.

"So that's why you tore out all that natural desert around your house in Southern California," I asked, "and replaced it with water dependent Kentucky bluegrass? Or is it why you destroyed some rare desert plant life to build a barbecue? Or is that why you drive SUVs to your private jets?"

Trapped in a sudden wave of questions about her actual behaviour the soon to be ex-Mrs. David began to shrink and shrivel.

"I'm melting!" she wailed. "Get me to the nearest botox clinic!"

At that command a bevy of black clad minions swept in, swept her up, and carried her into a Cadillac Escalade. The Escalade's engine roared to life and rocketed out of the area leaving a trail of harsh smelling grey exhaust.

"May I have your attention please," said a droning, almost robotic voice. I turned to see a small dais by the stage entrance, and standing on the dais was Al and Tipper Gore. Their son Al 3 was absent for some reason.

Everyone started gathering before their prophet.

"Only the performers please," said Al Gore. "All you common folks can get back to work."

Al Gore cleared his throat and looked out from his elevated spot onto the cluster of the hopeful innocent eyes of millionaires.

"I would like to thank you young rock and rollers for performing at this event," said Al Gore, "to get out the message of how important I --- I mean Mother Earth truly is. Sure you know nothing of the science of climate change other than what my lap-dogs tell you, but you have the power to compel the common people of the USA to vote for me--- I mean follow the tenets of my plan, which none of us actually follow, and you show great forgiveness in rallying to the cause of a man who has been trying to censor and control you for years. Thank you, now get out there and perform. I gotta lotta carbon credits to unload from this!"

The crowd of rock and rollers cheered.

"Kool-Aid for everyone!" declared Al Gore, earning another cheer.

I decided to not drink the Kool-Aid see what else was happening.

"Controller," I said into my cell-phone/communicator as I ducked behind a parked big rig hauling Bon Jovi's hair gel supply, "beam me to London, Wembley Stadium!"

To be continued...


RT said...

Was the PMRC anywhere to found, too?

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you didn't find Michael Mooron hogging around the food service area. Hum... methane is a greenhouse gas far more active than CO2; someone's should invent the 'methane offsets' so M. Moore can be, for a price, an ecological bag of air.

Anonymous said...

You people are such geeks!