New Excerpt: The 1st Casualty by Scott Thomas Beauchamp

This is our second excerpt from Scott Thomas Beauchamp's memoir of the Iraq War. Read the first excerpt here.


"Dagnabbit!" barked Private Cletus Huckleberry. "Could you gimme a hand Bow-champ what with you being so strong and manly?"

"What's the problem?" I asked Cletus.

Cletus raised his rifle, and I saw what was stuck to it.

"Could you help pull this dang blasted dead baby off my dang bayonet," said Cletus.

"I will not participate in a cover up of your war crime," I declared, my deep, rich baritone echoing above the screams of the people my unit were torturing for the crime of looking at us funny.

"That's your answer to everything," said Cletus. "You said the same thing when I asked you to pass me the salt in the mess hall. You ain't right in the head."

Maybe I'm just a little too 'right in the head' for this madhouse born from the blood-drenched wet-dreams of the neocon-zionist conspiracy.

"I'd ask Killum to help pull it off," muttered Cletus, "but he's from Texas, and they eat babies in Texas. I need the skull to make a set of home-made tea-cups for Lurlene."

For once Cletus was right about something. They do eat babies in Texas. At least that's what Jayson Blair said in his New York Times article "Texans Eat Babies."

I turned away from Cletus in deep moral and intellectual disgust. Seymour Hersh was write, the US military is comprised of cowardly, baby-killing, homicidal maniacs.

Except for me.

I'm the only true hero in Iraq.

I write for The New Republic.


"What in the Sam-Hill are you doing Private Scott Thomas Beauchamp?" bellowed Sergeant Rock from the comfort of his tent of Iraqi skins built on a pile of human skulls.

"I'm reading a book," I answered, it was an old worn copy of Che Guevera's The Motorcycle Diaries, with all the racist and sexist entries edited out.

"A book!" screamed the Sergeant as he stormed out of his tent. "There ain't no place for books in this man's army! Burn it now!"

Sergeant Rock tore the book from my hands and tossed it onto a burning pile of Iraqi civilians.

"Some day Sergeant," I declared, "there will come a time when the world will know the truth about this war!"

"With Fox News brainwashing the American people?" said Sgt. Rock with scorn. "Not bloody likely!"

Sgt. Rock climbed back into his tent, closed the flap and immediately began masturbating to mass-grave photos. He was right in his own sick and twisted way. The only way the American people would ever get the truth about this war was if the Democrats put forward some sort of doctrine, one based on fairness. Where places like Fox News, Talk Radio, and milbloggers could have their filthy lies permanently silenced and true heroes like Seymour Hersh, Ambassador Joe Wilson, and me, could profess the truth without facing any challenging questions about whether they're actually factual or not.

Sure, the fascists on the right will call it censorship, but it's a good type of censorship, on based on the beliefs and saintly motivations of people like me, who not only know better than them, but actually are better than them.

When will America learn?

The End...?

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