7.03.2007

NEWS OF THE EARTH #6

Greetings Earthlings.

TekTak here with another edition of NEWS OF THE EARTH!

LONDON- Investigators said that all 8 suspects in the recently pooch-screwed London/Glasgow car bomb plot are involved in Britain's National Health Service. That explains why they wanted their victims to fill out acres of forms and then wait 6 months to get on the waiting list to be blown up.

WASHINGTON- President Bush commuted the sentence of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby over the weekend. This naturally drew the ire of Democrats who conveniently forgot the cadre of drug dealers, insider traders, bribers and terrorists pardoned by their boy Bill Clinton. I personally agree with the commutation.

  1. It keeps Scooter out of prison, where he was sentenced to do less time than Jihadi homicide helper Lynne Stewart (who has yet to do any actual prison time).
  2. It denies Fitzgerald the orange-jumpsuit money shot he needs for the Democratic nomination for governor of Illinois.
  3. It gives Scooter and his lawyers a chance to get the conviction itself quashed on appeal. Why will it be quashed? Because Scooter was convicted of not remembering idle gossip about something that Prosecutor Fitzgerald deemed wasn't a crime months, if not years before he was called to the grand jury.
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA- Someone claims that humans use too much of the sun's energy. I guess the author thinks humans should start conserving the sun's energy by becoming completely subterranean, like Morlocks or Chud. Of course, then the author would find something else to complain about, like how they're eating too many Eloi or digging too many tunnels.

ASSALOUYEH, IRAN
- Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Venezuela's Hugo Chavez signed a new pact uniting their countries against the USA. The name for this new partnership will be the Axis of Idiots. They will also be co-authoring a new book entitled "Running Oil Rich Countries into Poverty & Despair for Dummies."

BOSTON- Researchers claim to have developed a pill that eliminates bad memories. Just one dose and the people taking the drug completely forget that Rosie O'Donnell even exists.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

When It Says Libby, Libby, Libby on the Sentence, Sentence, Sentence:
There's a million ways we can sniff at the foul stench of the hypocritical fart that blasted out of the White House yesterday.

There's the What-if-Clinton...? gambit: While she was pardoned at the end of his presidency, you can bet that the same Republicans praising the Scooter Libby free pass would have been burning down the Capital if Bill Clinton had commuted Susan McDougal's prison sentence, which she served.

There's the Are-you-fuckin'-kiddin'-me? sentence injustice stratagem: While Scooter Libby gets to stay free no matter what happens in his appeal for lying to a grand jury, Genarlow Wilson can't get bail while appealing his conviction for having consensual oral sex with a girl two years younger than him. Or you could talk about most of the people in prison on drug possession charges.

There's the George-Bush-is-just-an-asshole obvious statement: Where you wanna go with this? Karla Faye Tucker? Any of the capital punishment cases that Bush took less than five minutes to decide were just? The prisoners who'll never stand trial at Gitmo? Lift any goddamn rock in the Rose Garden and you'll find examples where mercy is ignored and/or injustice stands in the considered legal opinion of George W. Bush.

But what's so goddamned annoying about the Scooter Libby commutation is that its so fucking, tiresomely predictable. Fun as it was to imagine Libby being sold for a pack of cigarettes and a couple of old, crusty Hustlers to a large-cocked guy who's serving time for murder after coming back from his third tour of duty in Iraq, there was never a chance that Cheney was going to allow Libby to be in a position to testify to the truth of the leak of Valerie Plame's identity. A pardon would have allowed him to speak, free and clear. Commutation is just about the sentence, not the crime or any connected crimes. The real dick move with the commutation is that it's a threat as well as a reward.

And the statement on the commutation was such a pussy move - not quite a pardon, not quite a punishment. Sure, Bush tried to make it sound like there was still some tough shit going on: "The reputation he gained through his years of public service and professional work in the legal community is forever damaged. His wife and young children have also suffered immensely. He will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long-lasting." Yeah, and there won't be a cushy consulting job, the refuge of rogues and criminals, awaiting him. Man, the Rude Pundit wants to be punished with his work "forever damaged" by walking into a seven-figure job. It's like telling your kid that you're not gonna ground him, but, boy, you'll think twice next time he tells you he's just gonna take the car for a spin. Now, let's get ice cream while you think about what you did.

Also, a commutation allows Libby to keep appealing, which keeps the case alive, something a pardon wouldn't have done, which allows Bush and the rest of his merry band of fuckers to keep saying that they won't comment on an ongoing legal kerfuffle.

There's what we've learned: that George Bush doesn't believe in federal sentencing guidelines, that it's good to have friends with absolute power, that, as we have learned so many times from this administration, the rule of law does not matter. More chaos for our chaotic times.

-The Rude Pundit

RT said...

Now that I know the news I can go on with my day. Thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

Now that I have my spin from The Moron Group I can laugh my ass off!

TekTak F. Mechanoid said...

NAME CALLING!

Oh my gawd!

That is like soooo original.

You should be like on the stage or something. You're like a reincarnation of Lenny Bruce with more facial hair.

Wow, I'm just gob-smacked by your brilliant political insight and your biting satirical wit. I'm literally in awe of you.

Oooh, I think my sides have split.

Medic!

RT said...

See, they think that immature jibes and name-calling work.

Anonymous said...

Never has The Moron Group or little miss kiss-ass rt stooped to such immaturity.

Xran The FleshRender said...

When we do it's cute.

That's what makes us special.

Now if you don't mind, I have to get back to stitching TekTak's sides back together.

What a mess.

Anonymous said...

Yes it is cuter when you do it. It's your blog afterall.

Thanks for letting me comment at all.

Surely you are ready to ring my little neck by now.

Sekhmet said...

Man, I haven't seen this much poo flung since I last saw the monkey cage at the zoo! The libs' heads have been popping all over the internet, and our little Anony-troll is no different.

RT said...

Actually, my initial response was purposely overdone for some humor; however, Anon doesn't have that gene.

Remulak MoxArgon said...

You mean you don't view us as your chief source of news and information?

I'm very upset with the poor quality sycophancy you Earthlings have been delivering lately.

From now on I want more toadying, and more mindless praise.

RT said...

:P'''''''''''''''

Anonymous said...

I love you all!